It was an exceptionally hot day as Link began to climb Death Mountain, the short jeans he wore to fend off the blistering swelter of the air barely coming to any positive effects. When he came to the top of the mountain he put his fingers through his sweat-dampened hair and pulled it back, then loosened his green bandana.
He said nothing, but handed the Biggoron his eyedrops.
Biggoron slowly and precisely let the fine liquids hit his eyes, refreshing his ability to see, and he felt a wonderful sensation as he did so. He groaned in pleasure as each drop lubricated his seeing mechanisms so that they would be of proper use again.
"Thank you, baby," he said, "Now I'm in working strut again."
"You ready?" said Link, his small lips quivering with saliva.
"Oh, I'll make you a sword, Link…" began Biggoron, "But it's gotta take some time."
"How long do you think?" asked Link, as he bent his back into an arch and further exposed a dainty line of ass coming from the top, like the growing sprout of a flower.
"Oh," said Biggoron, deep in thought, "I'm talking days and nights."
"If I help you, will it come faster?" asked Link.
"At that point, I'll be trying to stall it as much as possible."
With that Link produced the broken shards of the legendary sword, giving it all to the biggoron, but The Beast looked upon it, and said no. "It takes two to tango, Link, let's get to it."
He held the broken piece by the hilt, letting it hang down to Link's face.
"Really?" Link's eyes became as big as heart containers when he was met with this revelation, and without words, he was entranced. He moved closer and they began the ceremony.
"We gotta get it hot."
Link felt as if the two new health extensions were going to explode, almost like the times that he would hold onto a bomb too long and it would blow up prematurely, staining his hair with globs of hot fire. He held up each new heart container above him and let the music play, and he went back to the task at hand. Surely, nothing would happen prematurely today.
Link got his piece of the broken sword and set it where it once lay, aligning perfectly with the shell of the other shard of the sword. Then, he brought his tongue to the crack, and the healing process began.
Feverishly he lapped his saliva onto the crack of the sword, and daintily, he stuck his tasting mechanism into the crack, twisting it with fervor. Biggoron watched him, a hard string of sweat coming from his gravely brow. "Get to it," he said, "get to it."
Immediately blood began to come from Link's tongue, and he flinched away from the sword, still keeping it in place.
Embarrassed, he said, "Well, it is my first time."
"It's cooling off, baby, you need to get to it."
Fearlessly, like a dark soldier on the lines of battle, Link returned to his duty. His tattered shreds of tongue flesh lubricated the now shivering sword with blood and slobber, and the sword became all the more hot. With the metal slowly changing colors, it almost seemed as if the sword prefered it to be bloody.
It was soon that Link lost all reservations and began to fight his opponent for dominance, crushing members of Al Qaeda figuratively with his mouth. He felt as if he was writing a heavily opinionated tweet that was mostly hashtags, and that his profile pic was that of himself drinking a beer with his tits out kind of. Relentlessly he banged out five parag I mean just about the character limit in mostly caps and pressed enter, giving those terrorist Hindu-Muslims something to think about as they raped their women in Israel.
It was now that the tip of the sword shone, itself burning red, almost pulsing with thermal energy. The crack began getting tighter and tighter, almost as if Link's truth-spitting mouth was too much for it's conservative attitude, and it was going to cut it off like the religious zealots do in the I Ching. Link couldn't stand it any more, he wrought his tongue over the full extent of the crack and let his red mouth lubricant sizzle in the heat.
Biggoron had met his match, and in a flurry of excitement and ecstasy he threw down his blade, splitting Link in half. The blade was now whole, in exchange for a hole.