Hello awesome people of the internet! This is Emz and Vicky (aka SparkleNinja and YellowApple). To create this immense story we have spent hours watching Potter Puppet Pals, A Very Potter Musical etc etc, and have finally collected together enough randomness. We were hysterical during the planning of this, and so we hope you enjoy it! XD
Oh yeah, nearly forgot... We do not own Harry Potter, but we are working on taking over the world, so we'll let you know how that goes. ;D
The Potter Parody: Chapter One
On a calm quiet night, deep in the identical streets of Surrey everything was still. Our adventure begins on the boring, plain old street of Privet Drive. The street was bathed in the orange glow of the lamps that lined the pavements. The clock had long struck twelve and so the residents were asleep in their beds.
At the end of the road the air shimmered and swayed as an elderly man popped into existence surrounded by a cloud of thick fuchsia smoke. He shook the glitter out of his robes and hacked and coughed as he choked on the remaining smog.
He looked around at his surroundings with a grin on his face, surprised he had managed to arrive in the correct country.
"Well done ol' chap!" Dumbledore congratulated himself as he petted his long white beard.
He pulled a ball of brightly coloured string from his robe pocket and dangled it in front of him.
"Here kitty kitty kitty!" he called in a squeaky high-pitched voice, this was the voice he usually used to talk to the younger students. "Look at the pretty string I've brought for you!"
The lure worked as several cats crept out of their hiding places. A few even clambered out of the sewers and from inside wheelie bins. After only twenty seconds there were fourteen cats of various colours all sat around Albus, their eyes fixated on the string in his hands.
As he looked across at the house opposite he saw a woman in her mid-50's with her face pressed against the kitchen window watching his every move. The woman's nose was pressed flat against the window so Albus could see, even from his distance, that there were several 'bats in the cave'. He was fixated on her eyebrow, yes…. singular… as he had thought it was impossible to furrow your brow and keep your eyes wide at the same time. It turned out you could and the result was terrifying.
Albus could feel the panic swelling inside of him, pressing against his ever so sensitive bladder. He wasn't prepared for this sort of scenario. He started jumping around in a circle, his limbs flailing, shrieking. "Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! What do I do!"
Luckily his combat training kicked in before he exposed his cover.
He screamed "Emergency Manoeuvre!" and proceeded to drop onto all fours and started licking his "paws".
His idea was to blend in with the locals. The women fell for the disguise and walked away from the window, wiggling her eyebrow.
He grinned at his quick-thinking brilliance and his amazing espionage skills. He began to crawl through the array of cats that seemed to be multiplying by the minute.
"Minnie!" he whispered, "Here Minnie-Minnie!"
The other cats were beginning to look at him suspiciously, knowing that there was a traitor in their midst. He was starting to get desperate.
"MINNIE!" he sobbed, grabbing his hair and tugging as he sat still on the roadside, "Where are you? Why did you leave me?"
He curled up into the foetal position rocking back and forth until one of the cats prowled over and sat in front of him, giving him a stern look.
"Minnie! Yaaaay!" He grabbed the cat in a fierce embrace picking her up and spinning her around until his half-moon shaped glasses fell off and skidded to a stop next to a grate.
By an unfortunate chain of events that seemed to trickle into Albus's life his spectacles tumbled into the sewers. He was not worried by this as he remembered that he never really needed glasses but they completed his headmaster attire.
Anywho, the feline Minnie meowed in protest and wriggled from his grasp. Within seconds she had transformed gracefully back into her human form, the same stern Professor McGonagall as always.
Dumbledore had resumed his cat like position on the floor. After seeing Cat Woman's transformation, he began to wave his arms around, spinning at top speed in a full circle as he rose slowly from the ground. He knew it would be creepy if he went from cat to wizard without his transformation.
Minnie rolled her eyes at his antics. She then remembered the real reason they were there and wondered how she would bring it up in conversation. However it seemed she didn't have to as Albus started the conversation with "So how was your Halloween Minnie my darling babes?"
"Albus, how could you ask such a thing? You fully well know what's happened."
"Don't be such a spoil-sport, just because you've had such an awful evening doesn't mean you can bring me down!"
"How could you? Knowing such a thing has happened?"
"I know it's sad that dear old Severus can't afford his next buttocks wax, but it's not the end of the world. Live a bit Minnie, let that young rocker chick out of you for at least one night."
Cat Woman stared at Dumbledore with a WTF look on her face.
"My night was utterly fabulous thank you for asking! I started the evening by choosing a suitable outfit for tonight's entertainment. At first I couldn't decide between an Extreme Sports Calendar Model or a Dinosaur…. But then I called Sevvy – where I heard the terrible news – and he suggested the Fairy Godmother from Cinderella. How could I say no? So after 20 minutes of preparing my look I was ready for the wild crazy night I had planned..."
Flashback
The two dedicated authors decided this would be an opportune moment to pop in and do some hard-core narrating.
Enter Emz and Vicky.
Emz: And here we are on the busy street of Roper Lane.
Vicky: It's alive with the activity of pushing and screaming children. On this street some foolish residents have turned off their lights and hidden under their beds, in hope of avoiding the 4ft high sugar craving monsters.
Emz: Sadly we have proof that this technique is unsuccessful. The poor people at number 26 have had their house egged and their pumpkins stolen.
Vicky: Speaking from personal experience, it's not worth it!
Emz: Tonight we are inconspicuously following the movements of an elderly man dressed in a short sparkly blue gown complete with wings and a glowing wand. So far he is standing alone on the street corner muttering to passing groups of trick-or-treaters.
Vicky: So far every group has tried to ignore this Halloween hitch-hiker and have scuttled off to various houses. Oh wait…. We have a live one! A passing group of seven-year olds have taken some kind of interest in this gender confused man.
Emz: Hang on… It appears he has been adopted into the sugar seeking cluster of children, and they have given him his very own sweetie carrier bag.
Vicky: Oooooh, where's it from? Tesco? Asda?
Emz: er, no it looks like it says… Woolworths!
Vicky: What? Woolworths? I thought that had died by now!
Emz: Nuh uh. You forget we're like at least ten years into the past. I don't even know if Woolworths exists yet.
Vicky: Aw I loved Woolworths. It had everything.
Emz: Yeah, it did. I miss it.
Vicky: Remember those sweets you got in that massive pot that you just stuffed and stuffed until it looked like it would explode?
Emz: And it was so cheap! That was before they started weighing it. And THEN it shut down! Damn you unpredictable universe!
Vicky: Anywho, back to the scene at hand.
Emz: Right. The kids, plus the hyper old man, are trekking up the drive of 31. The "Godmother" has been given the honour of knocking on the door.
Vicky: He seems confused by the brass knocker and is leaning towards it ever soooo slowly... and he... NO NO! DONT LICK IT!
Emz: *Dives into a bush dragging a protesting Vic with her* Hush up! We're supposed to be inconspicuous here! You know, 'Ninja's of the Night' and all that jazz.
Vicky: I know. I'm sorry; it's just hard to control myself. I feel like I've really bonded with this guy, you know?
Emz: Haven't we all *sigh* Oh no! We're going to miss all the action! C'mon!
*Jumps out of bush, ninja-style*
Emz: See we've missed the opening AND knocking of the door! Alright let's go see what the holdup is, that woman isn't holding any sweets!
Vicky: Does she have a death wish or something? That man is pretty persuasive.
Emz: How do you know? We've never met the man!
Vicky: How else would he be with *looks off into the distance* our kind *returns to earth* now?
*Sneak over to behind the group and stand like waiting trick 'or' treaters.*
Emz: I can't see a thing! This isn't working. Hold up!
*Pushes way to the front dragging Vicky with her. Have a look at the scene in front of them. The women looks rather miffed, and the old man looks really excited. The other kids aren't too interested, they're trying to sniff out the sweets.*
Vicky: *Is very scared, whispering* what's going on?
Emz: I believe we are waiting to see what her next move is.
*The woman continues to fix the man with an unimpressed look.*
Woman At Door... Let's call her Beatrice of the North: It's quite... touching that they've made you dress up as well. *laughs*
Godmother Man: What? I'm not being forced. I stand against that sort of tomfoolery.
Beatrice of the North: Who are you then? Their more than included grandfather?
Bearded Woman: *gives WTF face* WHAT? Don't you recognise your own *stares dramatically down camera lens* Mother?
*Beatrice faints*
Emz and Vic: Oh. Oh dear.
Bearded Man/Woman: *Turns toward our wonderful narrators* Oh well... I guess that means no sweeties from her.
Vicky: *Eyes widen. Jaw drops.* Dumbledore? OH MY GOD! *turns to Emz* IT'S DUMBLEDORE!
Emz: ah huh
Vicky: OH MY GIDDY GOSH! Aren't you a little old to be trick or treating?
Dumbles: *Punches Vicky in the face*
Emz: *Watches Vicky go down, looks back up at Dumbley*
Big Al: Shall we get some sugary substances?
Emz: *Dazzling smile* Yes. Yes we should.
Our two unlikely companions climbed over the two unconscious bodies and into the house of Beatrice of the North.
Twenty Minutes Later
Dumbles and Emz walk out of the house with their arms full of sweets, chocolate and two jars of sugar, laughing loudly at one of Dumbley's dodgy tales.
End of Flashback
Big Al smiled fondly at the memory, "ah that was a great night. Oh, which reminds me, would you like a sherbet lemon?"
He reaches into the pocket of his robes in slow motion.
Cue Western Music. The street is filled with dramatic, spontaneous western music. He draws a paper bag out and, his eyes never leaving Minnie's, singles out a lone sherbet lemon.
It reminded Minnie of 'I'm A Celebrity', it was like a bush tucker trial, this poor sweet had no idea of the soggy terror that was about to occur. He licked it once holding it in his fingers, shuddering at the sour sherbet that was leaking out. Minnie couldn't stop the look of disgust from passing across her face. It seemed so revolting. She winced in distaste.
"So Minerrrrrrrrvraaaaaah! Do you wanna sherbet lemon? They are deliciously irresistible."
"No."
He pretended he hadn't heard her, "They are beautiful and delicious and gorgeous and yummy yummy in my tummy."
Minnie stared at the ignorant old man in disbelief before repeating, "No."
"Go on. Take one. Just one. Go oooooon! Take one. Take one. TAKE ONE!"
Minnie could feel the anger building up as the vein in her forehead began to twitch violently. Just ignore him. He can't help it. He's just in one of them moods. Ignore him. Stay calm. He was getting louder, and louder. By this time he was shouting at the top of his lungs, forgetting about the stupid muggles surrounding them.
Just before her head exploded, she screamed "I DON'T LIKE SHERBET LEMONS!"
No amount of words could even begin to describe the repulsion and loathing that went through his mind and clearly on his face. He began to splutter and hack before getting out the words he could not find inside his head, "Wh... wha... what? I must be mistaken Minerva but I thought you just uttered the unforgivable."
When he saw that she had made no sort of sick joke and she was fully serious he began to tremble with fury before RAWR-ing like the dinosaur he could have been dressed as earlier that day. Without even taking two seconds to think about if he would regret his actions he threw the already sticky sherbet lemon at the monster before him. The poor unfortunate cavity-palace stuck to her frizzy hair that resembled the cat she could be.
He turned his back on her with a "Humph", pouting and crossing his arms tightly across his chest.
Suddenly there was the roar of an engine (not unlike the roar Dumbledore had emitted moments earlier) as a giant hairy man flew through the air on a gigantic motorbike. With a loud crash he landed face first in the flower beds of number 6. He hobbled towards the collection of cats and the two elderly people stood amongst them.
Dumbles turned around and screamed at the sight of the hairy manservant. "AH! Don't eat me!" with a look of panic in his twinkly eyes he frantically scanned the horizon for some kind of escape.
He then noticed the fuming Minnie and grabbed her, pushing her towards the gorilla-man shrieking "Eat her instead! I've got so much more to live for, I have so many years ahead of me!" Minnie rolled her eyes at his antics, "Eat her! She doesn't like sherbet lemons!"
Hagrid threw a look of utter disbelief towards the pair, "She doesn't like sherbet lemons? No way!"
"Way!" Dumbles nodded.
Hagrid growled at the offending woman, getting on all fours, preparing to pounce. Just before he did he remembered the child hanging off the end of the bike. He put the Moses basket on the floor before preparing for his standoff with Cat woman.
Dumbley walked towards the basket cooing at the baby inside. He wanted to play with the baby (oh dear God). He dangled a sherbet lemon over baby Harry's face, grinning as the baby watched the sugary sweet, he'd converted another. Cat woman (who had sadly won the fight) smacked Al's hand away, causing the man to jump a mile and drop the sherbet-y goodness.
"It's time to say goodbye," Minerva stated solemnly.
Hagrid started bawling like the baby he was deep down in his soft caramel centre, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I CAN'T LEEEEEEAVE HIM! I LUUUUURVE HIM!"
Dumbledore was disgusted at the display of affection, "Well, I'm not saying goodbye. I'll be seeing the brat again in ten years. No biggie."
Sneakily Dumbles sidled over to Minnie, eyeing the sherbet lemon in her hair. Slowly he attempted to untangle it without the woman noticing. He was cooing, "It's okay, I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that. Awww you poor thing."
"I accept your apology Albus. We can put this whole mishap behind-"
"Excuse me sherbet hater? I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to this poor, unloved sherbet lemon. And don't call me Albus anymore. It's just Headmaster to you now. We're not there anymore."
A few feet away Hagrid was cradling the black-haired baby, cooing a ridiculous amount. Minnie turned back to the situation at hand, being the boring stuck up cow she is, asking "So what's the plan?"
Albus quickly retorted, "I know you are, but what am I?"
Hagrid spun around growling "Sherbet-hater."
"This is important Al –" Dumbley shot her a death glare, "- erm, Headmaster. Number 6 should be a perfect home for Mister Potter, right next door to his Aunt and Uncle. The couple living here have been hoping to adopt for some time now and –"
Albus was getting louder and louder, repeating "Blah blah blah blah blah blaaaaah!" with his hands pressed over his ears.
Hagrid looked down at the small child in his arms, with a loving smile on his face, until he saw the child was frothing at the mouth. With a girly shriek he caught the attention of the shouting Dumbledore, who stumbled over to have a look at what all the commotion was about.
He screamed, "RABIES! Oh my Hogwarts! He's been infected!" with that he threw the baby aside, where it rolled into the garden of number 4.
"Come on! We gotta get out of here before the Feds find us!" Dumbledore leapt over the wall and jumped onto the motorbike. Minnie was frozen in shock, so Hagrid threw her over his shoulder, and then sat astride the bike behind Big Al.
"Let's roll!" Dumbles yelled before gunning the engine, soaring off into the night.
And so our lickle baby Harry was laid on the garden of number 4 Privet Drive, trying to lick the sherbet off from around his lips. You see he loved the sherbet lemons, they were his favourite.
And this is where we leave him for a while. In ten years we'll come back to check on how he's doing. Until then, let's party!
That's it for the first chapter! We've got sooo many random ideas that we have to piece together to make sense out of, can't wait for Draco, Hermione and Shhhtanley! Our very own OC.
Anyone who reviews can get a free sherbet lemon courtesy of Big Al!
xxx =) Vicky and Emz =) xxx