AN: I do not own. Nor am I making money. Had this on my computer for a while. Thought I'd post it to see if there was any interest. It is slash, so your are here by warned. Nothing to graphic though. Was a one shot but I may keep it going if I get requests. Cheers
He woke with a jolt. The dream had been so real again. Almost as if his love had been there. He could still feel the hands on his body, the lips on his, the hardness of a cock rubbing against his own.
Stop it, he thought to himself. You can hardly deal with things as they are now. No need to make it worse by imaging him here.
But it took every ounce of his strength to banish the thoughts that threatened to destroy his mind. Just thinking of his ex lover could tear his heart from his chest. The anguish of that final good bye that, to everyone was amicable, still resonated deeply. Tears rose unbidden to his eyes and for the thousandth night in a row, he cried the loss of his love.
He woke the next morning, his face stiff with the evidence of yet another painful and anguished night. He rose languidly and made his way to the bathroom. Stripping quickly he stepped into the shower that he had started with a single wave of his hand. While he had done it without thinking, once he recognized what he had done, he was drawn into a memory of the first time he tried his wandless magic. Years before the end of them. Before the end of Riddle even.
After several hours of just enjoying his lover's body, he had joked about wishing for a shower with a wave of his hand. The next thing he knew, water could be heard from the bathroom and steam began to pour out. Both he and his lover had risen in disbelief before continuing their fun in the shower. That discovery had led to other such fun with wandless magic.
As he washed himself, he remembered when it was a rare occurrence for him not to harden at those memories. Now all he could feel was the overwhelming sadness of losing his love. It created such an aching in his chest that a harsh sob tore loose. He pounded the shower wall in anger. He had to learn how to deal with his loss and that did not include crying at every stray memory.
The anger gave way to unrestrained rage at his ex lover's new partner. The pounding continued until the water swirled pink with blood and tears of frustration this time ran down his face. He had not felt such rage at a human being since Riddle. The slut, as he had taken to calling her, had known that for him, the sun rose and set with his lover. Whether she actually had feelings or if it had been done in malice was yet to be seen.
He had watched them. He watched them all the time without being seen. She certainly acted as if she loved his ex, but he knew that looks could be deceiving. She had pretended to be his friend all the while planning on taking his reason for living away from him, after all.
He looked at his wall and his hands in dismay. Shaking his head again at his lack of control, he healed them, fixed the wall, rinsed off and stepped out into the cool air. As he toweled off, his thoughts returned to the last time he had seen them together.
She had been shopping with his ex lover in tow. He had been holding several bags and was cringing at the number of items that were being placed in several others. He had tried to be discreet and not be seen, but as if sensing his presence, his ex looked right at him. There was a moment of awkwardness, followed by a fleeting look of despair and something else that he couldn't recognize. As quickly as it was there, it was gone. Replaced with a look of indifference.
He had turned away and left the store with as much dignity as he could muster. It took all the control and self respect that he possessed to not turn around. It took all he had not to run back in there and beg to know why his love had left him.
Oh, he had been given several reasons. The slut had sat there the whole time holding his lover's hand. We never wanted to hurt you. We just couldn't hide our feelings anymore. He just sat and stared as disbelief and rage warred in his eyes. At first he wouldn't believe it. Couldn't believe it. Just that morning, his lover had given himself as he never had before. Surely that wasn't the action of a man about to leave?
But that was apparently easily explained as well. Leaving him something to remember him by. As if he needed another memory to torment him.
Dressing in his work clothes, he silently walked out the front door and Apperated straight to his office. There would be hell to pay for that later, as the MLE would have to fix the weakness he had just created in the wards. But they never made too much of a deal of it. He wondered if it was because of his name, his status or their irrational fear of him becoming the next Dark Lord. He snorted as another memory rose unbidden.
He and his lover had been reading the Daily Prophet and it had taken a poll as to who would follow him if he did indeed become the new Dark Lord. Unbelievably, 95 of those polled would follow him. After that he and his lover had started coming up with names. Lord Voorhees, for his rather distinct ability to keep returning from apparent death. Lord Clinton, for his adamant denial of his relationship with his lover before retracting his previous statement. Lord Trump, as he was recognized almost as much for his trademark hair as his scar. He had gone thru a period of obsession with all things American, that his lover had found amusing.
He squeezed his eyes shut trying to block the memory. When it, and the emotion that had accompanied it had been sufficiently buried, he summoned his timetable for the day. Nothing on it seemed as important as it had before. Even after the passage of 3 years, he was unable to concentrate or bring forth any enthusiasm for his work. Oh, he still did his job. Still went to meetings, still laughed and joked with his colleagues. But if any of them had cared to look closely, they would have seen that his laugh was forced and smiles never reached his eyes.
He had several meetings today that he had already postponed once. His eyes widen and he choked down a sudden gasp. There at 3 o'clock was his ex lover's name. He had not consented to this meeting, hadn't even been informed of it in fact. He did not have a private secretary. Rather, any who wished a meeting with him usually just informed the Director of the MLE. Most were turned away as fans seeking autographs or others seeking to use him as a spokesperson for some product.
Their break-up had been international news at the time. He doubted that there was a person in the magical community that didn't know about it within hours. His true friends came forward to comfort him. He put a brave face on and said that they had merely grown apart. Some were nay sayers claiming that his ex lover was no good for him anyway. And yet there were some other's who, behind their hands, whispered that it was about time. That his ex lover was too great an intellect to waste his future with one such as he, savior of the Wizarding World be damned. It hurt most when in the next breath they congratulated the slut for taking him away.
So, to now see his ex lover's name screaming at him from the page was too much. He rose and walked out of his office. He walked past many greetings without hearing them. His co-workers were used to this. Some even understood while others assumed that fame had gotten the better of him finally. He walked out the front door of the Ministry and towards the Leaky Cauldron. With a small smile to the bartender he walked out the door leading to Muggle London. He found the nearest pub and proceeded to drink himself sick. He had done this on many occasions. Merlin forbid the Savior get drunk in Wizarding public. It left him little choice but he didn't really care.
He spent the rest of the morning and afternoon, drowning his sorrows in a pint glass. When his watch chimed to remind him of his meeting in an hour, he rose unsteadily and walked back to the entrance to his world. For a brief second he wondered if he could just walk away from it all. The fame, the lack of privacy and more importantly, the heartache.
He walked over to the bartender and quietly and ashamedly asked him to cast a sobriety charm. The bartender just smiled a sad smile and nodded. It was not the first time he had requested such. And he never worries about discretion. Tom would never have said a word to anyone. Seconds later he was clear headed and with a smile and a nod of thanks he headed into Diagon Alley.
A plan began to form in his mind. After this meeting, he would disappear. It was pure selfishness on his part that had him waiting until after the meeting. Just one more time, he thought. I just need to see him one more time. He went to Gringott's. They had handled several private transactions for him before and owed him a favor or two. A new identity, new accounts and a new life. The more he thought about it the more he realized that it was exactly what he needed. Maybe he would have a chance to reclaim his life and move on. His ex lover would always hold his heart and soul, but perhaps he could find someone who did not require that. It only took half an hour before it was all done. He thanked the goblins profusely as they made an Oath to never reveal what they had done for him, nor reveal his whereabouts to anyone. He walked back to his office with a renewed sense of hope for the future.
Sitting down in his chair, he had only minutes to spare before his lover would arrive. He straightened his desk hoping to make it seem as if he had been working. Shaking his head he got up to look out the window. He was so lost in thought that he didn't even hear the door open and close. It was only the familiar feeling of his ex lover's heated stare that made him aware of that fact that he was no longer alone. Turning, he raised his eyes to meet the one who haunted his dreams, his thoughts, his every waking moment. Emerald eyes met onyx and his world fell apart again.
He stood there unable to move or speak. Emotions that he hadn't thought he could feel anymore rose within him. Looking as good as he ever had, his ex lover just stood there. Taking this last opportunity, he gazed at his ex and took in every inch of him. His hair was a shorter than he liked it. He had loved running his hands thru it when it was long and wet or taking handfuls to steady himself as his lover performed miracles to his body while on his knees. His cheeks seemed a little thinner as did the rest of his body. His hands were still pale and graceful. Long fingers that had given him such pleasure. Fingers that had breeched him and left him crying for release. Hands that had stroked his body til he came from whispered touch alone. His arms still strong despite his slender frame. Arms that had pinned him as he was fucked into the mattress. Arms that held him gently as he cried over losses during the war. His waist still trim. A waist that he had countless times gripped as he balanced himself on his knees in front of his lover. A waist that he had wrapped his legs around to draw his lover in as deep as he could. His legs, long and lithe. Legs that he had scrambled to keep up with when they were walking, looking for ingredients in some nameless forest during detention. Legs that had carried him from the battlefield to their bed. His ass, that had first attracted him to his lover. Firm and almost delectable. A ass that he was allowed to touch only while on his knees. An ass that he had finally been given leave to take. An ass that he had taken and sunk into and knew there was heaven on earth. His last lingering gaze was redirected to his ex lover's eyes. His eyes that at first glance looked so cold and unemotional. Eyes that he had seen burn with love and passion for him. Eyes that had turned as cold and unemotional as they had once used to be. Eyes that now looked at him with questions evident.
He closed his own eyes and struggled to remain in control. When he did open them again, his ex lover was seated and looking on in concern. All the questions that he had wanted to ask over the years seemed to disappear. He was dry mouthed and nervous while his ex lover seemed at ease. He walked to the bar and poured himself a drink. He turned slightly and motioned, silently asking his guest if he wanted something. A shake of the head gave him his answer and he moved to sit again.
"To what do I owe the pleasure, Severus?" Harry asked in a tightly controlled voice. He hoped his anguish did not seep thru to his voice.
"I. . .I am not sure why I am here Harry. I saw you last week, while we were shopping and I just felt the need to talk to you." Severus began.
Harry kept the reins on his emotions tight. He forced a curious smile to his face. "Talk to me about what? And where is the sl. . Where is Hermione?" He could have cursed himself for that slip. Severus would not doubt take exception to his nickname for his one time best friend.
"Away for a few days. While I'm here, I wanted to invite you personally to our All Hallow's Eve Ball. It will be held at the Manor, of course." Severus replied. "It is also to be. . .to be a engagement party."
Harry felt all the blood drain from his face and he swallow the sob that threatened to erupt from his throat. His chest constricted and breathing was so difficult that he stood quickly to take in a gulp of air. He turned to the window as tears blinded him. He knew that it was over for good now. Even though it had been 3 years, somewhere deep down inside him, there had always been that one tiny thread of hope. But now that was gone. He had lost Severus for good.
Severus must have sensed his distress and rose to stand by him. He touched his shoulder gently in a sign of comfort. But Harry was beyond welcoming a comforting touch. Especially one from this man.
He visibly flinched and jerked away from the touch. He saw from the corner of his eye that Severus looked pained because of his action. This caused Harry more anger than he though imaginable. He knew then for sure that his decision to leave was the right one and he couldn't wait to leave.
"I do not believe that I will be able to attend, Professor Snape." He said coldly.
Severus looked visibly shaken at Harry's abrupt coldness and took a step back from the fury in his face. "Harry?"
Harry continued his indifferent stare all the while his heart was breaking all over again. He knew that it would take a miracle for him to get over this. Miracles only happened so many times and Merlin knew that he had received far more than the average wizard. "I regret to say that I will not be able to attend. I have other plans. Please extend my congratulations to your fiancé. I hope you have many long and happy years together."
Severus closed his eyes as if in pain. "I am sorry that you can't attend, Harry. We were hoping to be able to move past the animosity."
Harry grew more furious with each word and action. "I do not remember acting with any such emotion towards either of you. Though Merlin knows I was more than justified. She took everything that was important to me in one fell swoop. And she knew it. And you! You left me with nothing more than a by your leave. Do you know that I still have nightmares about your leaving? Do you know that I wake every night dreaming of you, only to realize you're still gone? Do you know that I cry myself to sleep most nights? I have a hole in my soul. You carved it out. You and that. . that. . .Please leave Professor. I have other things to attend to right now."
Severus looked devastated at Harry's confessions, but he stood his ground. "I am sorry, Harry. I did not mean to cause you such pain. If I could take it away, I would but I can not. I will bother you no more."
Harry nodded and watched as the love of his life, the keeper of his heart, his soul mate walked out the door and out of his life for the second time.
Knowing that if he stayed he would drown in the grief, he took several deep breaths before standing. He took one last look around his office and at the picture that he kept under a notice me not spell. It was of Severus in an unabashed moment. He was laughing at something Harry had said. Harry ran a finger down the side of the picture's face, kissed it gently and said "I love you, always," before placing it down again. Closing his eyes, he pictured his new home and disappeared from the world that he had once loved and saved without abandon.
Unbeknownst to Harry, the picture of Severus looked sadly at the spot where he had just stood. A single tear ran down his face and he mouthed, "I love you, too. Always."