Author's notes: Firstly, I would like to warn that this isn't exactly an IchiRuki fic, it's being written purely for lulz. :)

I've wanted to write something like this ever since I was re-reading the manga and I spotted Soi-Fon mentioning the Shiba family to Yoruichi during the SS arc and VERY strongly implying that they were one of the noble families and that something happened to strip them of that status. The cogs whirred and this plot bunny is what came of it. (Heh, plot bunny. Rukia would be proud.)

ONWARD! :D

Byakuya was troubled.

He had been doing a lot of thinking recently about the future of the Kuchiki clan. After all, he and his sister, Rukia, were the only remaining members of the main family and he hadn't had any contact with the branch family since his father's sister married into the Kasumioji family a couple of decades ago. Byakuya thought it was entirely possible she had cut off her ties with the family for forcing her into an arranged marriage, as the Kuchikis had traditionally looked down upon marrying below one's place. This was where Byakuya had gone wrong.

Of course, Byakuya himself did not feel this way - he himself had married a commoner, embarrassing his family by choosing a wife with no social standing for the sole reason that he had loved her, and indeed, Hisana had made Byakuya completely happy by being a wonderful person and a perfect wife in his eyes.

And therein was the problem: when Hisana had died only a few years after they had married, Byakuya was devastated. Not only had he lost his beloved companion, but his only chance at ever having children, as he knew that he would never have been able to find another Hisana.

Until he did.

However, the 'new Hisana' wasn't in the form of a potential wife for him, after all, he had no plans to get married ever again. It was her younger sister, Rukia.

And so, Byakuya had happily accepted his sister-in-law into the Kuchiki family, in the hopes that she would one day find a husband (preferably a noble - as much as Byakuya believed in marrying for love, he didn't want his new sister to make any mistakes which might cause her to be ostracised and unhappy) and carry on the Kuchiki line. But only if it would make her happy, of course.

So it was a bit of a shock when he heard that his sister had befriended the arrogant and loutish ryoka, Ichigo Kurosaki.

"Renji," Byakuya called out authoritatively, tearing his eyes away from the picture of Hisana on his desk. A few seconds later the door opened and Byakuya's vice-captain entered, his arms covered in ink splatter all the way up to his elbows.

"Yes, Captain? If you have more paperwork for me to do, it might take me a while to finish what I already have."

Byakuya narrowed his eyes slightly. "This isn't about paperwork, Renji, but if you'd like to talk about paperwork I have some advice for you. Either spend some of your pay on lessons to improve your extremely messy handwriting, or learn that intentionally splattering yourself with ink does not make you look as though you have been busier than you actually have."

Renji laughed nervously, stopping when he saw that his Captain was not laughing. "Okay then, Captain, what did you want to talk about? Also, will it take long? It's just that I've left the ink out and it's gonna start drying up soon..."

"Don't worry about it, I'll just take it out of your pay if you waste the ink," Byakuya said coolly, faintly amused by the shudder Renji gave. "The matter I wished to discuss with you is Rukia."

Byakuya failed to notice a slight stiffening of his Lieutenant's limbs at that. "What about Rukia?" Renji asked, his eyes widening ever so slightly.

"Specifically, her relationship with Ichigo Kurosaki," Byakuya said, as Renji shrunk almost imperceptibly.

"Oh, that," Renji said. "Yes, they're good friends. What about it?"

Byakuya glanced at Hisana's picture again. "He's obviously going to request her hand in marriage soon."

"What?" Renji spluttered. "Where did you get that from?"

Byakuya's eyes narrowed again. "If I didn't know any better I'd accuse you of impertinence for that tone," he said in a dangerous voice, pointedly ignoring Renji's hurried apologies. "And if you must know, which you must for reasons I shall tell you imminently, I know this is the case because they evidently love each other. After all, Ichigo is the image of the delinquent Kaien Shiba in every way." Oh yes, Byakuya knew all about Rukia's feelings for her former Lieutenant. Byakuya knew everything there was to know about everything.

"I don't mean to be impertinent, Captain, but what does Shiba have to do with anything?" Renji enquired, suspicion etched across his face.

"A better question would be 'what doesn't Shiba have to do with this?'" Byakuya responded. "The Shibas are the key to my entire plan! After all, they're a particularly important family, formerly one of the five noble families of the Soul Society before they collectively descended into delinquency and hooliganism and allowed a scandal to topple their standing. Also," Byakuya added, almost as an afterthought, "they're Ichigo's family."

Byakuya just watched Renji calmly as the Vice-Captain's mouth fell open. He did enjoy it when the idiot wasn't speaking, either because he was incapacitated or simply speechless.

"Yes," Byakuya continued, "I have done my research and concluded that Ichigo Kurosaki is the son of one Isshin Shiba, the ex-Soul Reaper Captain responsible for his family's falling from grace. It's appropriate that he took his wife's surname upon their nuptials as both a disguise, and a reminder." Byakuya was secretly glad that Renji wasn't pressing him on that last phrase, he didn't want to have to admit that he sympathised entirely with Isshin for being universally detested for falling in love with an enemy of the Soul Society. He would probably have to set Senbonzakura on his Vice-Captain if he knew.

Renji seemed to find his voice at that moment. "I don't understand, Captain Kuchiki. Why are you telling me all of this? It's not my business and I don't really care, to be honest."

Byakuya frowned. "I'm telling you, Renji, because you are going to help me."

"Eh? What do you need help with?" Renji asked sceptically.

Byakuya sighed wearily. "I don't know why I keep you on, you certainly don't seem to have the brains of a Lieutenant," he said coldly. "I am enlisting your help in an attempt to restore the Shiba clan to their former glory, so that my sister can be happy marrying the man she loves without the fear of being ostracised for marrying an undesirable. Of course, he would take her name either way, but it's better for the both of them if Ichigo comes from legitimate nobility."

Renji , who had been silent throughout this mini-soliloquy, immediately burst into laughter.

"I am being entirely serious, Renji," Byakuya warned in icy tones. "You are going to help me or lose your seat."

Renji's laughter quickly subsided, but the grin didn't leave his face. "Whatever you say, Captain. What's this brilliant scheme of yours going to involve, again?"

Byakuya sat up straight. "I am primarily going to endeavour to restore the Shiba clan by ensuring their social standing. While they may not be particularly rich any more, Rukia's future family stands to inherit everything as I do not have an heir and I can provide for them in the meantime. They will not be short of monetary capital. The problem here is more to do with the fact that the family is full of delinquents, pyromaniacs and louts. Every last one of them is an uncouth yob, even the deceased one and especially the girl. I shall take it upon myself to personally teach Kuukaku and Ganju how to behave in a dignified manner, in addition to meeting up with Isshin to discuss matters and attempt to rectify some of his infamously alarming habits. Also, I intend to personally prepare Ichigo for life as a noble in the least invasive way possible."

Renji grinned. "Sounds like you don't need me, then. Have fun, Captain!" he said cheerfully, turning around and starting to head for the door before Byakuya flash-stepped ahead of him and slammed the door just before Renji reached it.

"Where do you think you're going, Lieutenant Abarai?" Byakuya hissed. "I need you to subtly spread stories of the Shibas doing socially-acceptable things, and to plant the news that I am meeting up with them to do business. I also need you to stay out of trouble," he said frostily, glaring at the ink-splattered Renji, who nodded in a placating manner.

"Yeah, okay, I'll help," he conceded, as Byakuya stepped aside and held the door open.

"Very well then, Lieutenant, you're free to go for now," Byakuya said, opening the door and pointedly holding it open. Renji strolled through, turning around when he was just out of the door.

"One last thing, Captain Kuchiki," Renji said. "You think that Rukia loves Ichigo because he reminds her of Kaien. Fair enough, that's probably a semi-reasonable assumption to make. What makes you so sure he has feelings for her, though?"

Byakuya simply stared at Renji. "Rukia is intelligent, strong and beautiful. After all, she is my sister."

This time, it was Renji's turn to stare. "Captain Kuchiki, she's your sister-in-law."

Byakuya responded by staring back with even more venom than before. "What have I told you about not speaking unless you actually have a point to make?" And with that, Byakuya Kuchiki shut the door in Renji's face and returned to his own paperwork.