The Shinobi's Guide to Finding Love
(aka The First Step in Getting Laid)
An exhaustively researched guide by Jiraiya-sama
So you want to know how to snag someone for yourself.
Somewhere, some time in between training, missions, training, dealing with overzealous, self-proclaimed rivals, more training, and visiting graves, you have begun to notice someone who makes your heart skip a beat, your mouth dry, your palms clammy, your body break out in sweat, reminiscent of disgustingly lengthy subterfuge missions in the woods. At the peak of summer. Well sweat no longer. This book is for you.
The first piece of advice is: don't panic. If you have been remotely successful as a shinobi, this is considered decidedly normal, and nothing to worry about. If, however, you do not find yourself stumbling for something to say that would not immediately expose the enormity of your debilitating crush on him or her, and in fact, find yourself brimming with charm and social skills, then you obviously haven't been that great a shinobi. This is something to worry about.
The second piece of advice is: don't let anyone find out. Shinobi are notoriously excellent gossipers. Don't trust anyone. Or anything. You never know which object, animate or inanimate, may be hanging around you, just waiting for a hint of blackmail to get back at you for the time you (a) defeated him in a fight, (b) mocked his class position, (c) made him complete the mission report, (d) stole his ramen, or (e) took his title as 'Broodiest, most angst-filled genius in Konoha'.
Thirst for revenge, fuelled with speed, agility, and the nosiness that characterizes the average shinobi who pries into others' lives because their own is too terrible to contemplate makes for a combination as deadly as Tsunade's fist. Within minutes of you leaking out this delectable piece of information, people will be shooting you looks in the streets and in mission rooms. And before you know it, your crush will be blushing and stammering around you (score if this accentuates the very adorable scar across his nose), which may not be that bad a deal, but this would prelude some major avoidance tactics just to get away from those knowing glances that shinobi pull off so well, which would be a bad deal.
In summation, guard the knowledge of your crush like your favourite porn book.
Once assured of this, you may proceed down the road of betterment of oneself, in the hopes that this will make yourself endearing to your crush. Ease your presence slowly but surely into their life. Hang around places you know they frequent – ramen stands, libraries, the market, training ground number 29, the Academy. When you do bump into one another, greet politely and make small talk. Always pretend that you are pleasantly surprised and that the meeting was a coincidence. Explanations for being in places that you yourself are rarely seen in may include: (a) I have developed an insatiable, constant craving for ramen. Naruto's single-minded diet must be catching, (b) Maa, the nest of mice I uncovered under my bed told me to come here, or the ever popular (c) I'm trying to recover my lost childhood. I spent so little time here, what with being a genius and all. These constant appearances in small dosages are to get them used to your chakra and those annoying idiosyncrasies that all decent shinobi possess, be they permanent sticks up their ass, loudness expressed in ostentatious orange, incorrigible tardiness, or unforgivable green spandex.
Get people you both know to talk about you. Not the irresponsible stuff like how you were an entire five hours late for a meeting and still reading that horrible book, damn it! But the responsible stuff like how you once nobly proclaimed that you would "never let my team by killed". Taking into consideration that fact that you cannot let anyone know about your crush, you would have to manipulate these minions subtly in your quest for love. You are a shinobi. No further help will be given in this aspect.
Once assured that in the worse-case scenario you accidentally blurt out your not-so-hidden feelings amidst a sea of mutual friends, his or her reaction will not be "Kakashi who?" you are ready for the next step.
Letting them know you care. This is done by leaving thoughtful gifts on their doorstep, such as their favourite food after they have had a rough day, or those red pens he likes so much. If you haven't the guts to acknowledge that you sent those gifts, at least walk them to work, and give them some encouragement to face the gruelling day ahead, such as, "Nail those little hellions with a kunai if they annoy you. Only then will you have a class void of blubbering idiots who do not appreciate the great work you do for this village". This will have the dual effect of showing them your unwavering strength and support, as well as ingraining your presence more firmly as they take heart of your words through the day. Do not interpret the sceptical look on their face as them doubting your sanity but rather, them wondering how they have managed to get this far in life without your awe-inspiring, warm words of concern.
This is deeply intertwined with the next step: revealing your affection. Start by dropping comments that show you like them at a not quite purely platonic level. "Your hair looks wonderful, it is such a waste to pull all it back in a ponytail" or "that blush is very becoming" are good, accurate indicators of your feelings. Nicknames are also a wise choice. It shows them how special you consider them to be in your eyes. Dropping half of their name and attaching the remainder to –kins is adequately nauseatingly cheesy to carry across your message.
Now that your crush is as ready as they will ever be to accept you, and you are near combustion from the not-quite-there relationship that you have, this would be an opportune moment for the confession. A starry night in a romantic park alone, a loud proclamation in front of the village, or the conclusion of a wonderful almost-date at a festival, framed by iridescent fireworks are all solid venues and methods. Pick the one most suited to their taste.
But more likely, being a shinobi, your moment will be during a gory, blood-soaked mission, after you have stupidly jumped in front of an abnormally huge kunai for them. "I don't know why, my body just moved on its own" is a sad, sad waste of this god-given opportunity, not when they are feeling forever indebted to you. This method of confession – vagueness and what-not, borne from social retardation back when your brother slaughtered your entire clan is exactly what this book hopes to eliminate.
Aviod phrases such as "I am madly in love with you", or you will merely end up scaring them off. Let them realise the full extent of your psychotic obsession with them after they have said yes and can no longer escape.
While waiting for an answer, push them along by looking weak and needy, to show them the dept of how they affect you, taking their hand gently, or pulling your mask down, because no matter how great a personality you have, no one wants to agree to date someone whose face they have not even seen. Sentences such as "don't think, just say yes" have been known to sway your crush towards a positive reply.
Positive signs include tentative smiles, words such as 'yes' and 'love' (unless the latter is preceded by 'don't'), inching towards your mouth and gentler touches.
Once you have achieved your goal, i.e. getting your person, go out and purchase my other great literary works, going by notable titles such as 'Icha Icha Paradise' and 'Icha Icha Violence'. You will find this reading material immensely useful for the next leg of your relationship.
And don't forget to incinerate this book, lest your significant other finds it, and exposes you for the pathetic, emotionally incapacitated human being you truly are, genius shinobi status be damned.
Putting all that aside, you have suffered much to get where you currently are. Partake of your prize with perverted gleefulness. You have earned it.
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Owari
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