Well, the first installment of this comedic and slightly crackish oneshot series, Bleach meets Red Bull. In this premiere installment, of course, we find out what happens when the Bleach verse is faced with the popular energy drink Red Bull. Enjoy the chaos.
Bleach Meets Red Bull
"Ichigo, wake up!" yelled Rukia. The carrot top did not respond, simply kept lying there on his bed, covers a muck, head swimming in a pool of his own drool.
Rukia grew irritated at his laziness, but then smiled as an evil idea came to mind. She turned away from him and began walking towards the door, pretending she didn't acknowledge his presence anymore. In her acting voice she casually said, "Hm. Well, this is quite a predicament. I guess I'll just have to get Mr. Kurosaki to help me."
Ichigo's eyes shot open and he flew out of bed. "Don't you dare get my dad Rukia!" he yelled at her as she turned to face him, snickering madly.
"DID SOMEONE SAY MY NAME!" shouted Isshin excitedly as he flung open the door of his son's bedroom. "ICHIGO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING! STOP LAZING AROUND AND GET UP, YOU LAZY SON OF MINE! OH MASAKI WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR CHILD!" He then charged towards the "son of his" and they began fighting, arms flailing wildly against each other. Rukia simply watched, giggling, amused at Ichigo's suffering.
During the fight Ichigo was able to turn his head and glare at the obviously entertained Rukia. "THANKS A LOT RUKIA, NOT ONLY IS IT YOUR FAULT HE'S HERE BUT YOUR LAUGHING IS EGGING HIM ON!" he yelled, furious that Rukia had just had to interrupt him from his wonderful 10+ hour sleep. And it wouldn't have been that bad, even including his dad(he had gotten used to being randomly attacked for the past fifteen years), but he had been having the best dream ever. It had involved a certain auburn-haired companion of his...and some kissing...and... Ichigo zoned out thinking about his awesome dream, leaving his dad an opening to punch him ,which the crazy-as-hell parent took. "WELL ICHIGO I HOPE YOU'VE LEARNED YOUR LESSON ABOUT LAZING AROUND! BREAKFAST IS IN FIFTEEN MINUTES!" he yelled at his son who was lying spread-eagle on the floor before exiting his room.
"Need some ice?" asked Rukia, holding up a cloth full of ice as the the groaning strawberry pulled himself into a sitting position.
"When the hell did you-"
"I went outside and made it with Sode No Shirayuki while you and you're dad were beating the shit out of each other. You were just too busy daydreaming about sucking face with Orihime to notice."
Ichigo's face immediately went beet red. "SHUT THE HELL UP RUKIA!" he yelled, snatching the cloth from her and pressing it to his throbbing cheek. He turned away from her angrily, mumbling something about "nosy bitch" and nursing his injury.
Then Rukia remembered the reason she had come to wake Ichigo up in the first place. "Ichigo, what's Red Bull?" she asked him.
"Nani?" questioned Ichigo, turning to face her with a curious look on his face.
"I saw it on one of your...oh, what are they called...commercials! Yes, I saw it on a commercial that said it would give you wings."
Ichigo sighed. "Rukia, Red Bull doesn't really give you wings, that slogan just means that it gives you energy."
"Oh," said Rukia, a bit dissapointedly. "Well, can I have some?"
"We don't have any at the house, but I guess you can buy some at the gas station."
"I don't have any human money."
"..."
"..."
Ichigo sighed again and held up some yen. "Fine, you can use some of my-"
"-THANKS ICHIGO!" yelled Rukia, grabbing the yen and hurrying out the door before he could finish his sentence.
"-money," finished Ichigo as he heard Rukia run down the steps and out the front door. Well whatever, he thought as he closed his eyes to return to his wonderful daydream. Then Ichigo's eyes snapped open. "SHIT!" he yelled. "I JUST GAVE RUKIA MONEY TO BUY RED BULL!" He then rushed out the door to stop what was inevitable to happen.
"Here it is!" cried Rukia happily as she reached the freezer in the gas station that had six-packs of red bull inside. A yellow tag on the front of the freezer caught her eye. "Special one-day sale," she read aloud. "Buy one six-pack of Red Bull and get 5 more free." The corners of Rukia's lips turned up into a grin. "Sweet."
"Shit, shit, shit," Ichigo kept saying as he sprinted towards the gas station near the Kurosaki clinic, still in human form. He then spotted Uryuu walking down the street, carrying a bag of sewing supplies.
"URYUU!" he yelled, running over to and stopping in front of the quincy, resting his hands on his knees to catch his breath. "I need...your help."
"Psh, as if I would help a soul reaper," replied the teen smugly as he pushed up his glasses.
"You...you don't understand," said Ichigo, still panting. "I...I gave Rukia money...to...to buy Red Bull!"
"YOU WHAT!" exclaimed Uryuu, dropping his sewing supplies to put his hands on Ichigo's shoulders. "WHY ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT YOU MORON!" he exclaimed further as he shook the carrot top back and forth.
"I don't know!" yelled Ichigo. "I was tired and she kept asking if she could have some! I gave her the money before I realized what I was doing! But that doesn't matter now! What matters is catching up to her before she gets her hands on any!"
"Right," agreed Uryuu, releasing his shoulders. They continued together to the gas station, both totally forgetting about the sewing equipment.
Renji was relaxing on a park bench. No hollows, no training, no crazy chores from Urahara. The atmosphere was serene and peaceful until a pair of hands came in front of Renji's eyes.
"Guess who," came a voice from behind him. Renji sighed.
"What do you want, Rukia?" he asked. The redhead then felt a fist slam into the back of his head. "Ow, what the hell Rukia!" he yelled, jumping up and turning to face her.
"You should be more grateful, you oaf," she said, holding up six six-packs of some kind of beverage, three in each hand. "I brought you some Red Bull."
Renji calmed down a bit. "Red Bull?" he asked. "The hell is red bull?"
"I saw it on a commercial," replied Rukia, taking a seat next to the now sitting down Renji on the bench.
"A commercial?" asked Renji. He thought for a moment. "You mean those things that Ichigo always complains interrupt his TV shows when they're getting to the best part?"
"Yeah, those," said Rukia, taking a red bull out of the pack and handing him one. He took it, opening it with a bit of difficulty because he was still learning, sniffed it suspiciously, and then took a sip. Immediately his expression turned from slightly annoyed to pleased.
"Oi, Rukia, you've gotta try this stuff!" he said, shoving the can in her hands.
"I was planning to," she replied, taking the can, and, raising it to her lips. She took a drink. Her expression mimicked Renji's, and she handed the can back to him. "You're right, Renji, this stuff rocks!" she said.
"I know, right!" he agreed, taking another drink and giving her the can. They sat there and took turns drinking from the can until it ran out.
"Dammit!" said Renji, crossing his arms over his chest and sitting back on the bench like an upset child.
"Oh,calm down, baka, you're forgetting I still have thirty-five more cans," said Rukia, holding up the pack with one can missing and gesturing towards the other five packs. Renji smiled.
"Sweet."
"Okay," said Ichigo to the cashier, putting his hand up to the upper middle part of his chest. "Did a girl about ye high with short black hair, purple eyes, and a flat chest come in here and buy some Red Bull?"
"Why yes, there was a flat-chested girl like that in here awhile ago that purchased some Red Bull.," answered the cashier. "Six six-packs of it to be exact."
Uryuu and Ichigo's mouths dropped. Oh shit, they thought in unison.
"Where did she go!" asked Uryuu from behind Ichigo.
"Well it looked like she was headed to the park," answered the cashier. "If I may ask, why-"
The cashier's question was cut off as Ichigo and Uryuu zoomed out of the store.
When they arrived at the park, everything looked okay...except for a turned over bench. "Shit, we're too late!" yelled Ichigo. The two approached the bench cautiously. There were several cans of Red Bull piled up in the nearby trashcan, so much so it was overflowing.
"Well, at least they didn't litter," commented Uryuu. Then something out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. "Ichigo, look!" he yelled. Ichigo turned and looked to the other side of the park, where Rukia was draped over a fairly low tree limb, limbs dangling, another can of Red Bull clutched in her hand. They ran over to her and stopped when they were directly below her.
"Rukia, what the hell happened?" asked Ichigo. Rukia groaned and opened her eyes, looking down at them.
"Hey guys," she said.
"Rukia, get down here right now!" yelled Ichigo.
"Gosh, fine, mom," replied Rukia, lifting up the upper half of her body and letting herself drop from the tree limb, landing on her legs shakily. Now that she was out of the tree it was easy to see what she was wearing. She had on a plain white blouse with the top few buttons undone and was wearing her school uniform skirt. She also had on the school uniform shoes, but with no socks, and a red tie hung loosely from her neck, the neck hole tied in it much too big for her neck. Her hair was messy and out of place.
Ichigo and Uryuu gaped at her appearance. "Wh-What the hell happened!" asked Uryuu.
"Well," said Rukia, tossing the empty can of Red Bull into the nearby waste bin, "Me and Renji drank all the Red Bull."
"Obviously," said Uryuu.
"And then we got really hyper," continued Rukia. "And the next thing I remember is waking up in that tree."
Ichigo sweatdropped. "So you're saying that in one hour you and Renji drank thirty-six cans of Red Bull, went on sugar highs, and then totally crashed?"
"Yep."
"Well then where is Renji?" asked Uryuu.
"That I do not know, but I do know that this is his tie," she answered, holding up the tie around her neck.
"Can you sense his reiatsu?" asked Uryuu.
"Good idea," she said. After a few seconds she said, "He's at Urahara's shop."
"Oi, Urahara-san, where's Renji?" asked Ichigo as the trio entered the shop.
"Well earlier he was hitting a rock with Zabimaru downstairs and yelling something about Miss Kuchiki and about the rock being a freak with hair noodles, but now he's just passed out down there."
Rukia blushed a little. "Well, I need to return his tie to him," she said, walking over to where the ladder to the underground training room was. "You guys coming?" she asked Ichigo and Uryuu before jumping down the ladder. Both boys followed after her. What they saw when they got down there was a snoring Renji, in soul reaper form, lying spread-eagle on the ground with his shirt off and his hair down. Next to him was a released Zabimaru, and his gigai, dressed in the school uniform(except, of course, for a tie), was leaning on a nearby rock.
"Oi, Renji," said Rukia, lightly kicking his side. No response. "WAKE UP YOU LAZY TARD!" she yelled, kicking his side harder.
The impact of the kick caused Renji to immediately wake up and jump off the ground at the same time. "Dammit, woman!" he yelled. "Why the hell do you keep hitting me!"
"Well, earlier it was because you were being an ungrateful baboon, but just now it was because I had to wake you up so I could give this back to you," she said holding up the tie.
"The hell'd you get that?" he asked.
"You must've told me to hold it or something while we were sugar high, because I was wearing it when Ichigo and Ishida came to wake me up." Rukia was trying not to blush because of the way he was dressed, or, in this case, wasn't dressed.
"Well, whatever," replied Renji, taking the tie and using it as a makeshift hair tie to fix his hair into it's signature ponytail.
"If you two are done, you guys are never getting Red Bull again, do you hear me!" snapped Ichigo angrily.
"Yes, mom," Renji said sarcastically, slightly mimicking what Rukia had said to the orange-haired boy earlier. "Let's get outta here, Rukia."
"Right," agreed Rukia as Renji picked up Zabimaru and his gigai and they ascended the ladder.
Ichigo just stood there twitching in anger as Uryuu laughed his ass off.
END OF FIRST INSTALLMENT
Ah, the insanity...please note that this is a months-old document that's been gathering dust in my computer since it's been written, so it's probably not as good as my other stuff, in case anyone was wondering...but I guess that you guys are really the judge of that. NOTE: IF YOU DON'T LIKE EITHER OF THE PAIRINGS, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. I PUT THEM IN THE SUMMARY, AND THEREFORE WARNED YOU. THOUGH I AM OPEN TO AND APPRECIATE/RESPECT ALL COMMENTS/CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM AND OPINIONS, I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR STUPID FLAMES THAT TROLLS LEAVE JUST TO IRRITATE PEOPLE. SO HATERS, STAY OUT. The other installement is in progress, but I also have a crapload of others stories(probably shouldn't be taking on another but I couldn't resist)so it may or may not take long. And if you feel like it, you can leave a request, and I might just use it! Also, I'm making it clear that if I DO use someone's request, I WILL credit that person fully for the idea. Bleach is owned by Tite Kubo, not I, nor do I own Red Bull or it's title, and I love and appreciate all opinions, good, bad, or otherwise! (Excluding, of course, the hateful flames. Those I hate.)