This night was supposed to be perfect. We were supposed to laugh at the things that aren't even funny, joke like idiots and make memories that only the two of us would ever remember. We were supposed to spend the last night of our so-called childhood together, and no one else was supposed to matter.
Remembering the time me and you got caught ditching and got a months worth of detention, or the time Glen actually pissed himself when the cops showed up at one of his countless parties. Remembering all those embarrassing, hilarious, irreplaceable memories and how they led us to where we are now. Some of us would cry tears of confusion and sadness when we realized these were some of our last moments of complete freedom together, just being the kids that we've always been.
All of those meaningless fights and unwanted arguments were thrown to the back of our minds and it was like we were all back in grade school again and here for the same reason…just to have fun, to not care, to be there for whoever needed it.
We were supposed to scream and yell and sing with all of our closest friends, share secret glances and moments that were only going to be ours, just Spencer and Ashley's. And that's exactly what we were doing…having the time of our lives, remembering every lingering detail on the last summer night of our teenage years.
Times none of us were ever going to forget.
In the days that followed this night, kids would leave to set out and find themselves in the world that we know so little about. We all promised to never lose touch, even though we all knew sooner or later, we would all grow up and become too busy and it would happen. And none of us wanted to picture each other as old businessmen or stepford wives, or worse, our parents. So we did what we do best, we forgot about the world outside of this crowded place and smiled at the time we still had left to laugh, and gossip, and get wasted, and lie, and let go of everything and remember who we've been to each other for the past four years. And every time I would feel her touch or see her smile at me in the way that is reserved only for me, I would realize, I was falling in love with her all over again, just thinking about how much we've really been through together. How much of my life I've shared with her.
And then as quickly as the night started to unfold, it all came crashing down around me.
He showed up in all of his perfect male model glory, with his cheesy smirk almost always in place. He made his grand entrance just so everyone would know he had finally arrived…including her. He was "the life of the party", running his giant bear paws through his perfectly cut golden hair, and talking about all of his recent accomplishments in the basketball world. Joshua Grant, big man on campus.
Psh, my ass.
It broke my heart to see her watching him intently, falling right into his perfectly skilled façade.
It all happened in slow motion. I always kept an eye out for where she was, and she did the same for me, it's just the way we've always worked. I saw her casually leaning against a wall across the room, looking like something straight out of a magazine, smiling big and joking with my sister, Kyla. I was with Aiden, laughing at some typical comment he made about Kimmy Stanley, the girl everyone invited, but didn't necessarily like, we were being the two doofs that we've always been. And just as I was wiping the tears of laughter out of my eyes and winding down from my fit, Aiden's eyes locked on something and he looked like a confused gorilla for a second before turning back to me, trying to act like nothing just happened.
I paused for a minute, watching him smile at me like a 5-year-old with a huge secret.
"Um, you want to tell me what that brain fart was all about or are you just going to leave me to wonder superstar?" I pause waiting for him to explain only receiving a nervous smirk in return.
"Aiden, what?" His eyes locked with mine and I knew immediately that this is where my night of glory would end. I turned my head only to see Josh, the all-star, start to make his way over to her. And I knew just as any other guy did in this party, he was going in for the kill and tonight was the night he'd finally bed Spencer Carlin, something he's been dying to do for years. It's like I was rooted to the spot I was standing in, not being able to do a damn thing about what was happening. He weaved and pushed his way through the mass of teenage bodies and finally made it to where she was standing. I saw Kyla excuse herself and then her eyes connected with mine. She knew just how much this was going to hurt and I saw the pity in that one look she gave me, and man it sucked.
After that, the night that was once perfect, was quickly turning into a night that I thought I was going to give anything to forget.
Because our secret moments stopped, her eyes were now glued to his, not mine. As their conversation grew further, he would subtly touch her in any way he could, just letting her know what he was really looking for.
But she knew all along what he was looking for.
Somehow this is where I ended up, across the room, watching them playfully laugh and flirt like they were meant for each other. And as I sit here, on this incredibly lumpy sofa in some unknown kid's living room, watching hundreds of horny teenagers, desperately try to forget about their futures, she finally locks eyes with me for the first time since he arrived. And as she sees me, the guilt and displeasure in her eyes is evident, which angers me even further. I don't look away, I mean…how can I? Her eyes are connected to mine in a way that makes me remember why I loved her so much. But now he's leaning in and whispering something undoubtedly corny, trying to get her to follow him upstairs to some random bedroom, god knows there's enough of them in this huge house. She nods here head yes, without taking her crystal eyes off of mine.
And I finally reach my breaking point.
Because he's taking her hand and leading her through the crowd. Because she's letting him. Because she manages to wipe a single tear from her flawless face before it can go any further, and nobody notices but me. Because this was supposed to be the night I came clean and spilled my heart out like the lovesick teenage girl I am. Because this is the night when she's was going to finally love me back. Because this was night I had prepared for since the first time I saw her walk into my life all those years ago.
Because she promised me this night was ours.
So I muster everything that's left in my exhausted body and raise my miserable ass of the increasingly uncomfortable couch, tearing my eyes off of her retreating form in the process. She knows what's about to happen to us. She knows what she's doing to me, to her. She knows that there is no way in hell I can take this. And she knows how much this hurts, both of us.
I numbly begin to make my way through all the drunk bodies grinding and yelling, ignoring my name being called by the perfect couple that is my sister and my best friend, because after taking one look at me, they know why I have to leave this place.
I open the door to the mansion the party is residing in and make my way outside, not caring that some freak thunderstorm has made it's way to the coast, instantly soaking me in the process. I walk past my double parked Porsche, opting to walk because at this point I'vepretty much broken down and all I can think about is my heart feeling like it's literally splitting in two, so I'm probably in no condition to drive.
I think about her smile and the way it lights up her entire face, along with mine. I can feel her soft hand in mine and I remember how when she was with me, my tough exterior faded with one simple head tilt. All the times I've snuck her out her two story bedroom window to watch the sunrise together on the hood of my car overlooking all of L.A. We would talk about everything and nothing just passing the time, and she would put her head on my chest and ask me why my heart was always beating so fast. I would tell her that something as beautiful as that always gets my heart going, little did she know she was all the beauty I ever saw. I remember when I first came out and she was there with me, pulling me through. We've been together for the better part of a decade and I can't image anything without her. And then I begin to wonder how we ended up in this situation. How I actually came about loving her as much as I do. I think about how this whole mess could've been prevented if my weakened heart could just speak for me and tell her how much all of this hurts, how my chest feels like it's ready to cave in.
And that's when I finally notice the hot liquid spilling from my eyes.
My insides twist at the thought of his unfit hands all over her body, kissing her the way only I should. I almost stop because of the pain that is overtaking that one vital organ in my chest. It feels like it may stop beating at any second. I feel like falling to my knees and screaming at everything, everyone, because I can't take it. My body feels like it's mentally and physically crumbling.
Until I hear a voice yelling my name.
I keep walking, because I know if I stop now, I may never start up again.
She screams after me, and at this point I have to use every fiber of my being to not turn around and give in to her pleading voice.
"Where do you plan on going!?"
And that's when I finally come to a halt.
I don't turn around because I know the power she has over me with those gorgeous baby blues.
My back is still facing her, but I know she's has finally reached me, because I can feel her there.
We stay like that for what seems like hours, just listening to the pounding rain, and then she breaks the silence.
"Ashley, please don't run from me." She says, voice muffled by the downpour of the rain.
I slowly turn my body so that we're now standing face to face. She's there, so broken and so beautiful and as I take in her words all of my past frustrations surface, no longer being able to hold them in.
"I'm not the one running Spencer!"
She almost looks startled, like I've finally gotten to her. I look down at my soaked clothes, feeling like everything has been drained from my body.
"Jesus, if anything I've been running to you." I say in a harsh tone, desperate to get through to her.
She takes another step towards me, "Ash I-"
"Don't." I cut her off, because right here, in this moment I can't let her do this to me, not again.
"Do not come running after me and expect me to crawl into your arms, like you didn't just stomp on my heart for the umpteenth time, because it won't work… It won't fucking work. Not this time."
She bites her lip, a nervous habit that I've come to love.
"Watching you in there, with him, you have no clue how much it fucking hurts Spence." I sigh, feeling like this is finally the point where we give up.
"You have no idea how many times I've wished I could just open my mouth and tell you how much you actually mean to me."
I take a breathe and turn around, contemplating walking away from her for the first time in my life.
But I know that I could never walk away from her, no matter how hard I try.
"Do you know what I was planning on doing tonight?" I ask, my voice breaking a little, still facing away from her.
I was met with her silence, because she knew exactly what I was planning on doing.
"Do you?" I say a little louder this time turning back around, my whole body burning with all kinds of emotions running through my veins.
She looks up from the rain pounding on the ground, her eyes glistening from tears.
"I-I just-"
I step forward, successfully cutting her off again, so we're only inches away from touching.
"You just what? You c-can't face it? You're to…scared?" I say in a mocking tone, grabbing her by the elbows as her eyes shoot back to mine.
"How is it that-"
And all the memories come flooding back to me.
The sunsets, the parties, the fights, the smiles, the moments that have all led to this.
My heart is slowly adjusting to the feeling that it's always yearned for.
I was wrong. The night wasn't ruined. This night was just beginning.
Because her soft lips are moving in time with mine. There's no longer any space between our bodies, and we're only trying to get closer.
My arms envelope her small frame, holding her in the way I've only ever dreamed about.
Her hands are in my dripping hair, pulling me close.
And I know that I will never let her go.
I will never stop loving her.
The need for air soon becomes apparent and she finally pulls back.
Looking directly into my eyes, she speaks.
"I love you. I am so in love with you. I always have been and I always will be, simple as that."
She smiles that smile that could make me do back flips, and that's all it takes for me to forgive her.
"Maybe if you didn't keep cutting me off you would've known that a little sooner."
I lean in and capture her lips again in a sweet kiss full of hopes for what is to come.
"I love you too."
"Took you long enough."