A/N: Just trying to get inside Ranger's head a little bit , nothing major. Too bad JE is the only one who can really tell us how they feel...
Takes place during TS, when Ranger is staying with Steph in her apartment. Spoilers for TS.
"Babe, my hand on your ass is the least of your worries..."
We had gone to bed pressed together, with my hand on her ass and my body thoroughly enjoying the forbidden closeness of this woman. She ignored it, and fell asleep almost as fast as she had seamlessly fallen into denial. Her slow and deep breathing was my lullaby as it so often is, and my obscene amount of control allowed me to fall asleep quickly as well. But now, two and a half hours later, here I was, wide awake.
Whenever we slept, we were always touching in some way; we just gravitated toward each other like lovers who have been together a long time, and tonight was no exception. Probably that should tell me something about us, but I don't allow my rational mind to entertain these thoughts.
I was spooning Stephanie from behind, my left arm around her waist and my right pillowing her head. I took a deep breath of her scent. It was a moment frozen in time. We were up to our elbows in this Scrog shit, but right here, right now, all that mattered was holding this woman. This innocent girl with the weight of my world on her shoulders. This fiercely independent woman whose fire had melted my heart somewhere along the way. Getting too philosophical for your own good, Manoso, I thought.
Okay, fine, another part of my brain...and body...answered. This sexy piece of ass you know you could never get enough of. I chided myself for this thought, but in reality it was the only way I could keep my thoughts about her where they needed to stay; I forced myself to relegate my heart's longings to a lower part of my anatomy. It had worked well thus far. Probably that's why Steph is so confused about you, about us, I mused. Yes, us.
It was unfortunate timing that Steph started to stir just as I was telling my mind to think with my cock. She ran her fingernails up my left arm and rubbed my shoulder.
"Mmm...you're so hot..." Now there's a way to make sure I don't get any more sleep tonight. If I wasn't thinking about losing myself in this woman before, I am now. I didn't respond, knowing she was still mostly asleep.
Less than a minute later, she turned in my arms to face me, pressing her face into my shoulder and her body into mine. I pressed a kiss on the top of her head, but my body was screaming at me to do much, much more. My erection was starting to become painful, and with her hips pressed against mine, it was all I could do to keep myself from crawling inside her.
She's asleep, you idiot. She probably thinks you're the cop, the rational voice in my head reminded me. Now there's an ice-cold water thought for my dick, I thought.
"Ranger..." she trailed off sleepily, as she nuzzled into my shoulder. Shit.
"Don't...want me," she murmured, and I was instantly confused. Where did that come from? I didn't want to wake her up - that would have been a bad idea for both of us - but I really wanted to know what she was trying to say.
"What do you mean, Babe?" I whispered in her ear.
"Just wants...sex," she responded a few seconds later. Looks like I've done a fantastic job getting her to believe that one. Score one for Manoso, I thought bitterly.
Without warning she stretched her body against mine, pressing her breasts into my chest and grinding her hips into my erection. I sucked in a breath, determined to gain control of the situation, and thought about what she had just said. True statement, that. In fact, it was all I could think about right now. I pushed her away from me slightly, hoping she'd take the hint and move over before all my blood relocated away from my...thinking...head.
She turned back over onto her back, and I breathed a sigh of relief that even in sleep, she had the will power to turn away from this dangerous situation. I hoped she'd just go back to sleep and never remember any of this in the morning, but it looked like her mind had other ideas.
"But... the way he makes love..." I had to chuckle at her inner battle, but inside my heart was racing. I watched as a smile played across her perfect lips. Guess I'm not the only one who relives that night. That stupid, perfect night. The night I will cherish and regret the most for the rest of my life.
I realized I was privy to her internal monologue revealing her deepest-held thoughts about me. Call it an invasion of privacy, but there was no way I wasn't going to listen to what her heart had to say. I may never have the chance to hear it.
"Think...I love him..." I heard, and my heart froze and melted simultaneously. No! My head screamed. Emotional entanglements are exactly what you don't need! This is why you need to set her straight once and for all, and leave her alone! But my heart had other ideas. Yes! She fucking loves you! Get your head out of your ass and figure something out! She's not asking you to give her a ring or a baby, just you!
My internal battle was exhausting. And she wonders why I say ridiculously controversial things to her all the time. My rationale and emotions don't agree on anything these days. Stephanie is safely put away in a box labelled "Danger! Don't touch!" but it sits precariously close to the deepest part of my heart. There I go waxing poetic again.
Focus on the issue at hand, Manoso, I told myself. Okay, soldier, she just told you...albeit inadvertently, indirectly, and unassuredly...that she loves you. What's the plan of action now?
I knew I still couldn't give her what she deserved, what she needed. I don't mean suburbia and 2.5 perfect children, God knows she couldn't deal with that gilded cage any more than I could, but the emotional intimacy she needs and deserves. But somehow knowing that she was denying her heart the same realization that I was, was strangely comforting. Told me that she thought about us, dreamed about us, even if us could never happen.
With that sobering thought, my body calmed down and I pulled her back into my arms. I kissed her softly and thought some more about the elusive us concept.
There's been an us from the first time we surprised each other and overcame our respective stereotypes. We may never be able to do anything permanent about it, but there's no reason to deny ourselves what our hearts already know: that on some level, we are and always will be together. And we can go the rest of our lives pretending that isn't the case, or we can take advantage of the fact in the here and now. While we still can, and all that shit.
I made a decision. Damn the consequences. Next time she wakes up, I'm gonna show her what she means to me the only way I can allow myself. I'll give my body the opportunity that my heart will forever be denied. Don't let her think, just convince her to give in to what we both want. She's given me much more than partial consent now.
It never even occurred to me that Morelli would be the one to come between us.