Austin Powers…or Not
I
finally got around to it!
Deep within the heart…or the intestines, or the spleen, of the Digiworld is a crime-fighting place thingy known as DOPE, Digimon Organized Protection Establishment. It's here that two of the grooviest crime-fighting digimon that ever got a half-hour sitcom and a fanfic worked: Austin Veemon and Gomamon Powers, the International Mon of Mystery. Their mission: to seek out new worlds, meet strange new people, to boldly go where no digimon in a crushed velvet suit has gone before. Anyway, the whole thing begins in the International Mon of Mystery Shag Pad.
"Jeez, how come I'm
alwaysh shtuck paying the rent on thish thing? It'sh jusht not groovy!" Veemon
asked, staring at the bill on the table.
"Because I'm flat out broke! Those penguins that I
rented the igloo to up north haven't come up with cash in three months! I've
been trying to evict their ungroovy, non-shagadelic feathered behinds for a
blooming millennium!" was Gomamon's answer as he attempted to shake a martini.
His philosophy in life: Girls dig digimon that can shake a good martini.
Just then the DOPE private intercom line turned
on, sounding like a modem start-up.
"Hallo, boys, I'm Izzy Exposition, head of DOPE.
We need to see you at the headquarters right away, we're in a bit of a
dilemma," came the voice as Izzy appeared on the screen.
"Groovy! To the Shagmobile!" Veemon cried,
grabbing the car keys.
They
ran (or waddled in Gomamon's case) out to the parking garage and hopped into
the Shagmobile, a Jaguar with the Japanese flag painted on the hood. Veemon
started up the car and Gomamon started up the CD player.
"This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius, Age
of Aquarius! Aquarius!"
After ten minutes of "Aquarius" and driving around
the Digiworld in the Shagmobile, Austin Veemon and Gomamon Powers parked in the
company parking lot and headed into the main headquarters of DOPE, which is
located in the restaurant called Restaurant (the one where Joe and Matt
worked).
~*~
Meanwhile, in the secret Starbucks lair that's located in Puppetmon's gingerbread house of Hell…
"Number Two, what is with these lame-o henchmen? I
asked for really evil lackeys, not 'Piximon the Disgruntled,' 'The Motimon
Marauder' and 'Buffy the Gabumon Slayer!' What the hell are you trying to do?"
Dr. Evil asked, spilling his Frappuchino.
"Trying to make an ass out of you, what does it
look like?" Number Two muttered under his breath.
"What did you say, Number Two?"
"Nothing, Doctor."
"Good. Now Frau Farbiyomon, what news have you?"
"Vell, Doctor, ve haf come up wit zis clone zat is
exactly like you in every vay but is von-eighth your size."
Frau leaned over to Number Two at this point and
whispered in his ear.
"Matt, why the hell do I have to talk like this?
It's driving me mental, and having my hair pulled back this tightly is giving
me a migraine!"
"Shhh, play along, Lia. You don't want to end up
like Mustafa…cleaning the tank for the ill-tempered mutated sea bass."
"I
want to see my clone, and so does Mr. Bigglesworth!" Dr. Evil shouted. Gatomon,
who got stuck playing Mr. Bigglesworth, meowed lamely.
"SEND IN ZE CLONE!" Frau hollered. The automatic
doors opened, and out walked Dr. Evil's clone.
"Nice work, Frau. I shall call him Mini-Me," Tai
(our resident Dr. Evil) said, doing the pinky thing. Davis (a.k.a. Mini-Me)
pinky thinged as well.
"Uh,
Dr. Evil, we still have no evil plan to take over the Digiworld," Number Two
pointed out.
"Can't you see I'm bonding with Mini-Me here? See
lookit, he even has his own pair of tiny clone goggles!"
"Right, and we're all very happy for you Doctor,
but we need a plan so we can take over the Digiworld and not screw up."
"We could hold the entire Digiworld ransom for…one
million dollars."
"Herr Doctor, zat makes absolutely no sense! You
can't just hold ze Digivurld ransom for von million dollars. It doesn't vurk
zat vay!"
"Well…what if we overran the world with fembots?"
"Dr.
Evil, I don't think overrunning the world with fembots will work."
"Number Two, zip it."
"But I was just…"
"Zip it."
"Why won't you…"
"Zip it."
"Will you at least…"
"I'm Matt, the loser Digidestined, and my crest is
ZIP IT!"
"Lia, can you…"
"Agumon, digivolve to…ZIP IT!"
"Can you just…"
"Davis lifted the digiegg of ZIP IT!"
"Herr Doctor…shaddup!"
"Zip it, Frau!"
Frau
glared at him. "Vat did you say? Zat does it. VIZARDMON!"
Wizardmon ran in. "Yes, Frau?"
"Deal vit ze doctor."
"Are you hassling Lia?"
"No sir."
"Are you making her upset?"
"No sir."
"Are you going to leave her alone?"
"Yessir."
Lia leaned over to Matt. "That should keep him out
of my hair for a while."
"Dr. Evil," Number Two said after Wizardmon left.
"Why don't you go make sure the fembots are ready to go…if that's what the plan
is."
"Riiiiiight. Come, Mini-Me."
Frau
dismissed the other henchmen, leaving her alone with Number Two.
"Matt, take that ridiculous eye patch off."
"I can't! Gomamon said that if I took the eye
patch off he'll break all my fingers so I'll never be able to play the guitar
again and then he'll do something to my voice so I end up sounding like
Hanson!"
"Okay, leave it on. I think you look cute with it
anyway."
Just then "Scott" ran by, being chased by Mini-Me
with a flamethrower.
"MATT!"
"Huh? T.K.?"
"Davis is trying to light me on fire! Ow! Watch
it! Kari picked me and that's that! You're a bigger sore loser than Al Gore!"
~*~
"Sho Izzy, what short of new gizmosh do you have for ush thish time?"
"Well, Mr. Veemon, not a whole lot. A couple new,
spiffy metallic D3's…"
"Ooooohhhhh."
"…And exploding digieggs. I'll give you a demonstration.
Yolei, please come in here."
Yolei walked in, and Izzy handed her the Digiegg
of Sincerity.
"Okay, Yolei, could you please activate your
digiegg?"
"Of course, Izzy. Digi-armor, ener…gize!"
The digiegg exploded, and so did Yolei.
"Cool!" Gomamon shouted.
"Yup, and you also get…a brand new partner. Nicki,
send Miss Shadwell in."
"Righty-o!"
A
short blue-and-black kitten digimon minced in, a gun holster strapped around
her waist and a necklace around her neck.
"If I were gijinka I'd be wearing go-go boots,"
she said. "I'm Felicity Shadwell, Former Team Rocket Digimon of Mystery."
A/N: Nicki quit Team Rocket, she hated it.
Gomamon's jaw dropped. "Shaddie? You're the new
agent?!"
"Yup! Now let's get cracking, Dr. Evil is up to no
good again!"
"Why don't I get a girlfriend that'sh a shecret
agent?" Veemon sighed, getting the Shagmobile keys.
"Cuz you're not groovy enough, that's why. You're
only the partner, baby, I'm the top swinger. I'm more shagadelic than you,
baby!" Gomamon replied.
"I call shotgun!" Shadowmon yelped.
"Aw! No fair!" Gomamon sulked. Veemon can't
complain since he's the only one other than Wizardmon with opposable thumbs and
can reach the pedals.
~*~
"So…these fembots, what exactly do they do?" Dr. Evil asked.
"You really vant to know?" Frau questioned.
"Frau Farbiyomon, you'll tell me what the freaking
fembots do!"
"Yes, Herr Doctor. SEND IN ZE FEMBOTS!"
A troupe of Mimis walked in wearing skimpy pink
outfits, and immediately walked over to Number Two.
"Get them away from me," he growled.
"FEMBOTS, GO!"
The fembots, led by the real Mimi, walked around
to one of the lackeys, started flirting with him, and then bitch-slapped him
until he passed out.
A/N: I don't think it's necessary to give Mimi and the fembots "machine gun jubblies."
"Very effective. Send them out, and then we'll hold the Digiworld ransom for…one million dollars!" Dr. Evil crowed. "Yes, that makes Mr. Bigglesworth very happy!"
"Tai, get it through your head. I'm a Miss, and I
don't like you," Gatomon pouted. Dr. Evil ignored her.
"Mini-Me, would you like a Hot Pocket, or an
Eggo?"
Mini-Me shook his head.
"Oh well."
~*~
"I know a shong that getsh on everybody'sh nervesh, everybody'sh nervesh, everybody'sh nervesh. I know a shong that getsh on everybody'sh nervesh and thish ish how it goesh!"
"What's with him?" Miss Shadwell asked as they
drove around, looking for Dr. Evil's hideout.
"Yolei gave him candy again. Maybe we should post
a sign: Do Not Feed the Chibimon."
"Well whatever it is we better calm him down or
else we'll never find Dr. Evil's secret Starbucks lair!"
"Veemon! Hey! This is not groovy! Are you
listening to me, man? Or are you trying to ignore the hippest swinger in town?"
"Let me handle it, Gomie. Hey Vee, Fox is
switching over to a Pokémon network. You have to run around going 'vee, Veemon,
vee,' from now on!"
Veemon
put his foot on the brakes and screamed. "WHAT?!"
"Heheh, gotcha!"
"That'sh not groovy! You could've given me a
blooming heart attack! Wait'll Davish hearsh thish! He'sh gonna be sho mad at
you!"
"Well Davis isn't groovy and we don't care so take
that and keep driving!" Gomer retorted.
The ground suddenly started shaking violently.
"Earthquake!" Shadowmon shrieked.
"Tshunami!" Veemon hollered.
"Fat Bastard!" Gomamon yelped, pointing to a
certain gigantic bat-pig in a kilt.
"C'mere and lemme get ya in my belly! You look
kinda like Biyomon. Aye, Biyomon, the other, other, other, other, other, other,
other, other, other, other, other, other, other white meat. Biyomon, it's who's
fer dinner!"
"Patamon, cut the shit and tell us where Dr. Evil
is hiding!" Miss Shadwell snarled.
"Why should I?"
"Cuz we'll pump ya full of lead otherwise!"
Gomamon Powers added. Veemon held up a gun resembling a Noisy Cricket. (Men In
Black, for those of you who never saw it.)
"We're
shupposed to do thish schene with Mushtafa, but he'sh not here sho we'll do it
with you. Where'sh Dr. Evil'sh shecret Shtarbucksh lair?"
"I ain't telling, so kiss my fuzzy little ass!"
"We'll make you go on a date with Piedmon dressed
in drag," Gomamon teased.
"NO! Dr. Evil's secret Starbucks lair is in
Puppetmon's Gingerbread Mansion from Hell."
"What'sh Dr. Evil'sh shecret plan?"
"Go to Hell, Powers, Veemon, Shadwell!"
"Fine. We'll just tell Wizardmon he can shag Angewomon."
"NOOOOO! Dr. Evil is going to infect the world
with fembots!"
"Thanks, Pig. You can go back to Gotham City now,"
Shadwell said, pointing to the Batpig Signal going off in the sky.
~*~
"I
want chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix Meow Mix please deliver! Mr. Bigglesworth,
come an' get it!"
Gatomon grabbed a cell phone. "Yeah, Pizza Hut?
Can I get a pizza delivered? Extra cheese, pepperoni, anchovies? Uh-huh, yeah,
Dr. Evil's Secret Starbucks Lair. Kay, I'll be watching the clock."
"Tai! Davis put a dead Gekomon in my bed! Look at
it, it's all gross and squishy and disgusting and he hates me!" T.K.
complained.
"Not now, Scott. Daddy has to talk the leaders of
the Digiworld into giving him one million dollars. Now unless you want to be
strapped to a missile pointed at Russia, you'll go away now."
"You're not listening to me! Davis is trying to
kill me! I can't believe I wanted to be your brother once. You suck!"
"Oh, do I? Well see if I suck now,
son-of-a-bitch!" Dr. Evil started strangling Gilligan boy until Number Two came
in.
"Holy shit! Tai, what the hell are you doing to my
brother?" So now a huge fight breaks out. Such a happy little family, isn't it?
"VAT
THE HELL IS GOING ON IN HERE? DO I HAVE TO SEPARATE YOU LIKE CHEELDREN? OR
SHOULD I GET VIZARDMON BACK IN HERE BECAUSE I DON'T VANT TO PUT UP VIT ZIS
SHIT!" Frau shrieked, banging her riding crop on the tabletop.
Flustered, Number Two slunk off to…somewhere,
probably to sit in a barcalounger and have a shot of vodka with Archnemon and
Mummymon. Dr. Evil threw Scott aside, then went off to make sure the fembots
were…working.
"The things I have to go through to get paid," Lia
sighed.
~*~
"Ever notice how I got to be in one episode, then got a two second spot on another one and never showed up again?" Gomamon asked.
"Ever notiche that Wizhardmon ish shtill dead even
though technically he can come back to life like Wormmon did?" Veemon added.
"I've got one that beats the both of you. Where
the hell did Archnemon and Mummymon get that freaking Jeep and why the hell
would they want to drive it off a cliff?" Shadowmon inquired, holding up a pic
taken from the Japanese opening.
A/N: I can happily say I've seen it, thanks to the wonders of the Internet, and I gotta admit, the American version sucks and I can't believe I have to suffer through it. I'm just about ready to move to Japan.
So Austin Veemon, Gomamon Powers and Felicity Shadwell
finally made it to the Puppetmon Gingerbread Mansion from Hell, after several
detours and a whole lot of Skittles.
"Now, let'sh shtop Dr.
Evil from taking over the Digiworld, and then shag Gatomon rotten!"
"Uh, riiiiiiight."
The super secret agents
"judo-chopped" a couple guards and popped into the elevator.
"God I hate elevator
music. Somebody gimme a remote and I'll put on some of the Japanese theme
songs," Shad complained, digging around in her bag.
"Did you guysh know
Davish'sh shong ish all about getting Tai'sh gogglesh?"
"Yeah, that's why they
call it Goggle Boy. Damn Matt gets all the good titles," Gomamon griped.
"Basement level:
Lingerie, Russian Black Market, Islamic Spanglish Raccoons, and Secret
Starbucks Lairs," the automated elevator announcer said once the thing stopped.
The spies spread out and did their best to sneak around
corners humming the Mission Impossible theme without getting caught.
Miraculously, they all entered Dr. Evil's Fembot Production Chamber at the
exact same time and from different entrances.
"Well well well, if it
isn't Mr. Powers, Mr. Veemon and Miss Shadwell. Congratulations on finding my
secret Starbucks lair and my Fembot Production Chamber," Dr. Evil said, hugging
Mini-Me.
"Blimey, look at all the
bloody Mimis!" Gomamon gasped.
"Yeah bartender, I'd
like a Bloody Mimi," Shadowmon quipped.
"Now that you are here I
shall explain my plan to take over the world, place you in an easily escapable
situation and not watch you die because I know that you just will even though
you will escape and foil my plans at the last possible second."
"He'sh shtarting to
shound like Mojo Jojo," Veemon groaned.
"Here's my evil plan: Once you are dead I will send this
army of fembots out into the Digital World. They will overrun it and murder all
the citizens with excessive whining and bitch-slapping…that is, unless I get a
ransom of…………one million dollars!"
The super duper secret
agents were put in a room and tied down to chairs.
"As for your easily
escapable situation, my ill-tempered mutated sea bass aren't available so you
get a squadron of Upamon high on Skittles and having to listen to me say 'Go
get 'em, Greymon' fifty thousand times."
~*~
To make a long fanfic short, they easily escaped the
easily escapable situation and stopped Dr. Evil at the last possible second.
How?
"Attention shoppersh,
shale at the fashion boutique." Upon hearing this, the fembots bolted for the
door, credit cards in hand.
Dr. Evil, Mini-Me and
Mr. Bigglesworth escaped in Dr. Evil's Big Boy ship. And now we are caught up
and you get to find out what everybody's doing now.
Austin Veemon: Taking
speech lessons to get rid of his lisp. Still trying to date Gatomon, much to
Wizardmon's chagrin.
Gomamon Powers: Started
his own line of merchandising and a bar. Dates Shadowmon and claims to be the
"Almighty Swinger."
Felicity Shadwell: Went
back to Odaiba and bugged Nicki about random stupidity. Challenges the readers
to come up with where Archnemon and Mummymon got the Jeep and why they choose
to drive it off a cliff.
Number Two: Got to take
his eye patch off and became regular old Matt Ishida. Was chased by ten
thousand screaming girls for three hours.
Frau Farbiyomon: Took
her hair down, resumed being cute little Lia Agianna. Wrote a whole bunch of
fanfics, screamed at Nicki to WRITE SOMETHING! Went out to dinner with
Yama-chan.
Dr. Evil and Mini-Me: Fighting
over who gets the goggles and the leadership. Sorry Davis, but it ain't looking
too good.
Scott Evil: Put his
Gilligan hat on and asked Kari out. His latest project: building a radio out of
coconuts and pestering the Howells.
Mr. Bigglesworth: Chased
Wizardmon for three weeks until she got him to go see a movie with her.
Unfortunately, it was 102 Dalmatians.
Izzy Exposition: Went
back to fiddling with his computer and being the mentor of the Digidestined.
Resents Ken cuz he's the new genius of the group.
Fat Bastard: He's
BATPIG!
~*~
Okay, the ending sucked but I ran out of creativity.
Please, please review but NO FLAMES! Matt (not only is he my boyfriend but my
bodyguard too!) will personally get Davis to ship Jun to your house. Yes, you
get JUN for a belated holiday present! Ja ne!