Meet the Parents
Poor Yamato, Poor, Poor Yamato
"Lia!
I need you to do something!"
Lia poked her head out of her room. "Does this
involve a vacuum cleaner? Cuz if it does…"
"No, it doesn't," her mother replied testily.
"Do I have to do cleaning of any kind?"
"No."
"Do I have to set the table cuz I think it's
Nicole's turn."
"No, I need you to call your boyfriend and invite
him to dinner."
"What?"
"Call your boyfriend and invite him to dinner."
"Dinner? As in here? With the family? Like that
movie with the cat milking business?" Lia asked in shock.
"It was your father's idea. Now call the boy."
Lia
ducked into her room, moaning under her breath. Her dad, well, mine but I'm
writing in 3rd person, was incredibly strict when it came to boys,
he even had a list of dating rules. Poor Matt would barely get into the
apartment before her dad chewed him up. Hesitantly she picked up the phone,
shaking violently.
"Hi Matt, it's me."
"Lia! Did the wardens let you out on good
behavior?"
"Eh, sort of. What are you doing tomorrow night,
uh, sixish?"
"I have a clear social calendar, why?"
"How about dinner?"
"Sounds good. Your turn to pick, I think."
Lia swallowed hard
before speaking again. "Matt, I meant dinner here. With my family."
"As in meet the parents, touch the daughter and
die kind of dinner?"
"Uh-huh."
"Ouch. Well, I'm still coming. I'd probably die
anyway for not showing up."
"Matt, you can't do this. You don't know my dad.
He's like Wizardmon only taller!"
"An overprotective stalker who won't let you get
within a mile of anything?"
"Exactly."
"Then maybe I'll make out my will before I come."
At
this point in time Lia's two meddling sisters, Nicole and Christy, were
standing in the doorway listening to the last few snatches of conversation.
"Borrow something from Izzy, he has fifty dress
shirts. Yeah, uh-huh, kay, love ya too Matt, bye."
"That boyfriend of yours isn't coming over here
tomorrow, is he?" Christy asked. Nicole grinned wickedly and shouted at the top
of her lungs, "BUT HE'S CREEPY!"
Of course, Mr. Agianna came running. "LIA!"
"Yes, Daddy?"
"Did I just hear your sister say that boy you've
been seeing is…creepy?"
"She's lying! He's sweet!"
"Is
he led around on a dog leash?"
"No!"
"Does he wear a dog collar?"
"No!"
"Piercings?"
"No!"
"Tattoos?"
"No!"
"Makeup?"
"No!"
"Wears black?"
"On occasions but in good taste."
"How?"
"Black polo shirt and black dress pants."
"Does he drink?"
"No!"
"Smoke?"
"No!"
"Take drugs?"
"No!"
"Have long hair?"
"How long?"
"Past his ears."
"It's to his chin."
"How much older than you?"
"He's not, he's about five months younger."
"He's not named Butch is he?"
"No Daddy, his name is Matt."
"I don't like him already." And with that her
father grabbed his purple Polarfleece vest (a.k.a. the "gay purple vest") and
left to do…stuff.
Lia sank into a chair and started sobbing. "He's
gonna kill Matt!"
~*~
Matt came out of his room, depressed. His father had the old beer bottle out on the table, and now he looked up at his somewhat neglected son.
"What's that look for?"
"Date with Lia. Having dinner with her family."
"Did you make out a will?"
"Signed and stuck in my desk."
"Where are you going? Aren't you supposed to be
there at six?"
"I'm getting dessert. If I'm going to die, I'm
going to die after I impress the mom."
"Smart boy. I've taught you well. And Matt?"
"Yeah Dad?"
"Don't do anything stupid."
Matt paled and left the apartment mumbling about
what he left to whom in his will.
~*~
"Lia! You've been in the bathroom for four hours! What the hell are you doing?"
"If this is going to be the last time I see Matt
alive, I want to look nice!"
Just then the doorbell rang, but she didn't hear
it. Christy ran to the door and swung it open. Matt stood there with some fancy
pastry shop box thing under one arm. He went to enter when Christy slammed the
door shut in his face.
"Lia! Your boyfriend is here!"
She
sprinted out of the bathroom, tossing her jeans in the hamper and swinging the
door open. Matt was rubbing his now sore face, the box slightly squashed.
"Let's try this again," he groaned.
"Oh Matt! My dad is up to something, I know it. Be
careful, please," she whispered.
"What is this, dinner with Dark Masters? It'll be
fine. Now, where do you want this pie thing?"
Matt walked in, casually acknowledged the holy
terrors known as the Agianna sisters, put the pie tart thingy on the counter,
said a quick hi to Mrs. Agianna and hung his coat up. At this point in time Mr.
Agianna walked into the den.
"Daddy,
this is my boyfriend Matt."
Matt paled instantly, her father scowled, then
grabbed Matt by the arm and half-threw him into an armchair, fastening his arm
to a metal thingy.
"Daddy, what is that? That's not a lie detector,
is it?"
"Go help your mother, Lia."
Matt lost any color that was left in his face, the
needle on the detector already responding to his racing heartbeat.
"Now just relax, boy."
"MOM! Dad's hooked Matt up to a lie detector!"
"Chris!" came Mrs. Agianna's shout from the
kitchen.
"Jo, stay out of this."
"All
right, boy, let's see if you'll be seeing my daughter after tonight. Have you
ever drank, smoked, or taken any kind of drugs?"
"No, Sir." The needle didn't move very much, but
kinda wiggled cuz poor Matt's heart was in his throat at the time.
"The last girlfriend you had? How long were you
with her?"
"I haven't had any other girlfriends. I had this
stalker that forced me to take her out to dinner for blackmail, though." The
needle stayed slightly wiggly.
"You're not gay, are you?"
"NO!" Sorry, yaoi fans, the needle was going
nowhere.
The interrogations went on for another twenty
minutes, and fortunately for the happy little couple Matt tested negative for
any lying. Lia's father took it as "really good lying."
So
now it was time for dinner, oh God help us all. Of course, being the father he
was, Mr. Agianna separated Matt and Lia with a well-placed sibling. Neither one
of them said anything.
"You're not one of those tofu curds and whey
soybean meat is murder kids, are you?"
"No Sir," Matt mumbled. Tai would be very shocked
to know that Matt was pretty silent the entire time, speaking only when spoken
to.
"So Matt," Mrs. Agianna said casually, "how is
your band doing?"
"Band? You have a rock band? Like screaming
guttural unintelligible garbage?"
"Chris…"
"It's all right, I suppose. We have another
concert in about a month, and the guys are trying to rope me into booking a
small tour. I don't know if I want to though, too much work."
The
sibs were doing everything in their power to turn Matt into a spineless
quivering mass of Jell-o, mainly by giving him evil stares the entire time. Lia
leaned back in her seat to kick them in the shins, but that didn't do a whole
lot of good. After the hellish meal was over, Lia and Matt retreated to Lia's
room to talk.
"He's not going in there with her is
he?"
"Leave the poor boy alone, you've already
frightened him enough," Mrs. Agianna warned.
"At
least you passed the lie detector test," Lia said thoughtfully. Matt groaned.
"And…my mom likes you. That has to count for something."
"Your mom's always liked me. It's your dad I'm worried
about."
"HEY LIA!" came the annoying shrieks of the sibs.
"DAD WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOYFRIEND!"
Matt rolled his eyes. "Here we go again."
They both trudged out of the room and sank onto
the couch despondently. Mr. Agianna had in his hands a lengthy packet of
papers.
"These," he said with slow emphasis, "are my eight
rules of dating. If you even want to think about setting one foot near my girl,
you are going to have to memorize these."
"Dad!" Lia shrieked.
"One: If you pull up outside the building and honk
the horn, you better be delivering a package cuz you're not picking anything
up. Two: You may not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
but nothing below the neck. If you can't keep your hands or eyes to yourself,
I'd be happy to remove them. Three: If you come to the door with baggy pants,
expect me to get my staple gun and staple them to your waist." He paused and
grinned at Matt's ever-paling face. "Four: I know you've been taught in school
that sex without a barrier can kill you. Let's put it this way; when it comes
to sex, I'm the barrier and I WILL kill you. Five: Do not speak to me to get to
know me. The only words I need to hear from you is when you're bringing my
daughter home, and that should only be 'early.' Six: If you dump my little girl
and make her cry I will be the one making YOU cry. Seven: While you're standing
there waiting for my daughter, do not fidget. How about you do something
useful, like change the oil in my SUV?"
He
paused again, watching as Lia grew more and more embarrassed, and Matt grew
more and more frightened. "And number eight: The following places are not
acceptable for taking my daughter to: Places where there are beds, sofas, or
anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents,
policemen or nuns within eyesight. Places with darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, or anything other
than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped to her Adam's apple.
Movies with a strong romantic theme should be avoided, movies with chainsaws
are okay. Hockey games are best."
A/N: This is a real list my father really does
own. I am not making this up.
Lia's mother walked in just as her father was finishing his list.
"You didn't just read that, did you?"
"The boy should start memorizing them now if he
wants to see our daughter again."
"Um, I should probably get going," Matt mumbled,
starting to get up. Lia's mom handed him his jacket.
"I'm really sorry about him, Matt. You're
welcome here any time."
Lia walked him out.
"Matt, I…"
"I know, it's not your fault. I guess my dad would
be like that too."
"At least you don't have any weird hobbies like
milking cats or something."
"Yeah. I'm just glad that lie detector didn't do
anything, ya know? I mean, I could have sworn I fibbed about being a straight A
student."
~*~
Not long after Lia and Matt went out to the garage, Lia's dad took a look at the old lie detector. Turns out he didn't have the thing plugged in the entire time.
~*~
All right, this
probably sucked, but don't flame. It was a good idea when I started writing it,
but I think I lost interest somewhere along the way. Sayonara!