Kotex or Sofy?, a naruto fanfic

Title: Kotex or Sofy?

Summary: Uchiha Sasuke had never bought female products and he never would. But when one had a PMSing Hyuuga for a girlfriend, one simply could not refuse. [Sasuhina

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If I do, I would have made Sasuke sing "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne and dedicate it to his dearest brother. He'll also be wearing micro-shorts and a hot pink tank top. Hinata would be OOC here so if you like your Hinata to be sugar, spice and everything nice, you might wanna run away.

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Uchiha Sasuke was pissed.

First of all, he woke up late. He had set his alarm clock; he swore upon his homicidal-brother-with-premature-aging-lines that he did.

But okay, he had also hit the snooze button. About 11 times.

So he ended up waking up 1 hour later.

In his moment of haste, he woke up on the left side of bed. Which meant the WRONG side. (Sasuke was rather superstitious about that, along with walking under ladders and black cats.) From then on, he knew that he would have a bad day.

He had then stepped into the shower and because he was in a hurried frenzy, he forgot to adjust the shower knob and ended up dousing himself with very hot heated water. In the midst of all the grumbling and cursing and shouts of pain (he was scalded, dammit), he mistook the shower gel for the toothpaste, the toothpaste for the shampoo and the shampoo for the shower gel.

And our ex-Rookie no. 1 only realised it when he later saw his hair streaked with his 12-hour-long-whitening-mint-flavoured-Colgate toothpaste in the shiny reflection of his toaster.

He didn't even get to eat the toast as his fat ass of a cat stole the two pieces of bread when he wasn't looking.

He looked on with satisfaction when his cat, Chubby-Wubby, choked on it. He then felt guilty as the bread was burnt and no matter how greedy Mr Fat was, the poor little tyke didn't deserve that. (Well, maybe not "little tyke".) So he proceeded to fill Chubby-Wubby's dish with cat food and that cost him few precious seconds.

He made himself coffee which he puked out 5 seconds later as it looked like shit, tasted like shit and smelled like shit. He made a mental reminder to drop by Ninjabucks later for some coffee.

With an empty stomach, he rushed out of his house so that he wouldn't be late for his training.

Sasuke was still pissed.

He had stopped at Ninjabucks to buy a double espresso and he was horrified when he saw a long line snaking out its shop. He had forgotten that it was Cheapo Friday whereby everything was at half price. Nevertheless, he stood in line, hoping that it would move quickly and that nobody would notice that an Uchiha was shopping on a Cheapo Friday (his dead clan would be rolling over in their graves if they knew about this, hell, even his brother would taunt him before trying to kill him). He was also hoping that his Icha-Icha-Paradise-loving trainer would be late as usual.

Forty-five minutes later, he was still queuing for that blasted drink. 'Two more persons to go,' he told himself, trying to restrain himself from just burning all of these goddamned people to ashes.

The queue moved again and he was just about to do a mental victory dance, 'Yes! One more person to go!', when the customer in front of him went "One Mocha Choca latte, hold the cream. One espresso. One Chicago cheesecake and can you please give me the slice with the strawberry on it. Um, let me see, give me 2 brownies but wait! Is that mint icing? Well then, scrape it off for me. What do you mean you can't? I'm a customer and I'm ordering you to do that!"

Sasuke was just about to set the guy on fire when he remembered that he wasn't supposed to attract attention. He swallowed a sigh and reluctantly placed his twitching fingers into his pockets. He settled by shooting death glares at the guy's back.

Fifteen minutes later (the fucking guy just couldn't decide between blueberry muffin and the strawberry muffin), the line finally moved again and he was met with the tired face of the Ninjabucks worker. Sasuke glanced at his badge, 'Hi! I'm Hiroshi Tanaka, your super-friendly Ninjabucks friend!'

"Orders?" Hiroshi the super-friendly, said monotonously.

"Give me one Double Es-," before Sasuke could finish placing his orders, Hiroshi interrupted him.

"Hey! Aren't you Uchiha Sa-"

"Say my name out loud and die."

"Um… okay. Very sorry for that," Hiroshi replied, not looking sorry at all. Apparently, the sight of Sasuke broke him out of his monotony. He bent his head and whispered inconspicuously, "Wow, you're the first ever Uchiha to ever buy stuff on a Cheapo Friday! Ooh, can I tell my mommy about this? She works at Ninja-Mart and she told me that in all her years working there, there never was an Uchiha who would shop on a Cheapo Friday! So can I tell her you came here?" His eyes lit up in anticipation. "Well, can I tell my dad too cos he works at the Ninja DIY store and he told me that in all his years-"

"Tell anyone I came here and die."

"Right."

"Now shut the fuck up. I want a Double Espresso."

One minute forty seconds later, he finally got his drink. He was about to walk away when Hiroshi blurted out, "Are you sure I can't tell my parents? I'll make them promise not to tell anyone. But oh, can I also tell my aunt cos she works at-"

Sasuke shot him a look.

He shut up.

Sasuke finally managed to exit the damn shop.

Of all the goddamned days, Kakashi just had to choose today to be on time.

"Well hello, Mr Punctual. Good of you to finally join us today," Kakashi called out to him.

"Well hello Pot, meet Kettle," Sasuke muttered.

"Hey teme! Is that Ninjabucks? Can I have some?" chirped Naruto. Without waiting for an answer (for which Sasuke would surely say "No"), Naruto grabbed Sasuke's espresso and drank it all in one gulp.

Two seconds later, he spat it out.

Onto Sakura.

"Dammit, teme! What drink is that? It's disgusting!" Naruto continued ranting at Sasuke without noticing Sakura. And her stained shirt.

"Naruto…" Sasuke tried to tell Naruto. He didn't like the look on Sakura's face. There was gonna be blood which would be shed. And he didn't want it to be his blood.

"Shut up, teme! I'm not done yet! Like seriously, what did they put in that drink?"

"Naruto…" Sasuke tried again. He could see cumulonimbus clouds developing above Sakura's head, along with lightning.

"It tastes like shit!" Naruto finally turned and saw Sakura.

"Shit."

Sasuke was tired. Very tired.

Sakura, after beating the crap out of Naruto, decided to take out her remaining anger on him. While he was trying to block out her punches and kicks, he heard her muttering "Dumbass of a boyfriend", "That was a new shirt", "Fucking expensive too". He suffered bruises because of her.

Naruto, after recovering from the beatings that he got from Sakura, decided to blame it all on him. While Sasuke was trying to block out his punches and kicks, he heard him screaming "That was all your damn fault, teme!", "She's never gonna forgive me now and it's all your damn fault!", "She's gonna break up with me and it's all your damn fault!". He suffered more bruises because of him. And he was gonna be deaf too.

Kakashi, who derived great pleasure from watching his ass got beaten by his two team mates, decided to jump on the bandwagon and fought him while reading his Icha Icha Paradise. While Sasuke was trying to block out his punches and kicks, he heard him groaning and grunting "Ooh yeah, baby", "Sex-aaaaay", "Oh, so that's the correct way to do it" and other things Sasuke didn't want to hear. He suffered more and more bruises because of him. And he was tainted too.

He had never felt so glad when training finally ended. Without a word to the others, he crept off as fast as he could. He had just walked into his house when he remembered that he was supposed to meet Hinata. He sighed.

Damn.

The moment Sasuke set a foot onto the thresholds of the Hyuuga compound, he was greeted by the sight of Hyuuga Hiashi, the high and mighty Head of the Hyuuga clan, crawling on all fours and gasping heavily for breath.

"Run…….," Hiashi gasped before he fainted.

What the hell? Before Sasuke could do anything to help (not that he wanted to anyway), Hyuuga Hanabi dashed out of the house. It was the first time Sasuke had ever seen his pain-in-the-ass future sister-in-law looked so panicky. Her hair was in disarray, she was trembling all over and there was blood on her shirt.

Wait, or was that tomato sauce with green basil leaves and a sprinkle of parmesan? He frowned. He really should stop watching Jamie Oliver.

"Hey squirt," Sasuke called out to Hanabi.

Hanabi just rushed past him, stepping on her father in the process. Sasuke looked down at the comatose body of his future father-in-law and sighed. He was just about to haul Hiashi's body (he didn't want to but he didn't think that Hinata would appreciate him letting her father become a doormat) when he heard a scream emanating from the house. With another long-suffering sigh, he stepped on Hiashi, leaving another set of footprints on Hiashi's otherwise pristine-white clothings.

When he went into the house, he found it void of the numerous servants who would usually be scurrying around.

"Aaaaaa!"

He heard the scream was coming from the kitchen and he walked briskly towards it. What he saw made his jaw dropped.

And laughed his ass off.

Hyuuga Neji was decked out in a dress which Sasuke recognised as Hinata's. He was wearing high heels (Hinata's) and his beautiful silky hair (which Sasuke knew he washed with Clairol's Herbal Essence shampoo and conditioner thrice a day) was tied up in two pigtails, complete with pink ribbons. His face was full of make-up and if Sasuke was the type to go for transvestites, he would have so jumped him.

"Hey, great legs, Hyuuga," Sasuke snickered.

Neji didn't even notice him. His horrified gaze was transfixed on something behind Sasuke.

Sasuke turned and he was met with the sight of Hinata in an apron which was splattered with blood (No, no, it's tomato sauce, he told himself) with a butcher knife in her hand.

"Hinata!" he yelped. "What are you doing?"

Hinata turned her gaze onto him. Her eyes started to brim with tears. "Sasuke! Nii-san didn't want to carry this bag!"

Sasuke looked at her again. In her other hand was a pink bag with a big fake yellow sunflower which he supposed was to complete Neji's outfit. He turned to Neji.

"Aww, like how could you, Hyuuga? Like, see what you did to Hinata. Besides, the PINK bag totally goes with your PINK outfit. Like, don't you think so?" mocked Sasuke.

"Shut the bimbo talk, Uchiha. And did you just shriek?" Neji scowled.

"I didn't shriek," Sasuke scowled back. "I yelped."

"God, that's worse. Made you sound like a dog."

"Shut up, Barbie."

"You shut-"

Bam! Bam! Both of them stopped and looked at Hinata who was now banging the pots and pans violently on the kitchen stove. "Lunch is ready!" She trilled. Her persona was the exact opposite when Sasuke first came in.

"We're having lunch here? I thought you wanted to go out," said Sasuke.

Neji shot him a sharp look and mouthed 'No! No! Shut up!'

Hinata stopped whatever she was doing and became teary again. "You mean you don't want to eat what I've cooked? I spent all my time preparing lunch for you and now you're saying that WE SHOULD GO OUT TO EAT AT SOME FAST FOOD JOINT AND BECOME ALL FAT AND END UP DYING WITH HEART DISEASES?!"

Neji butted in smoothly, "Of course he didn't mean that, Hinata-sama. Why would he want to eat some greasy food outside rather than your fabulous cooking? Right, Uchiha?" He shot Sasuke a dark look.

"Wha-, er…yeah. Um, I would love to eat your lunch," Sasuke said warily. He sat beside Neji at the kitchen table. "What's going on? Why is she acting like such a lunatic?" he whispered to Neji.

"She's PMSing. She goes absolutely cuckoo at this time of the month. How come you don't know about this? You've been her boyfriend for 6 months already!" Neji whispered back savagely. "Oh wait, you always go on some mission whenever she had her period." He glared at him. "How convenient."

"Hey, it's not my fucking fault okay! That old bitch was the one who gave me all these missions!"

"So now it's my fault!"

"Hell, yes!"

"Are you two arguing again?" Hinata asked. She was eating her lunch so primly that you wouldn't have believed that she was a hormones-bomb that could go off anytime.

"Er…no," the two replied, looking cautiously at her.

"Good," she replied, eating her soup so delicately.

They ate in silence.

Sasuke muttered, "She's freaking me out."

"Why do you think Hanabi ran away?" Neji muttered back. "The moment Hinata-sama started flinging tomato soup at her, she scrammed."

Sasuke snorted. "What about your uncle?"

"Hinata made him run on the treadmill over and over again because she said he had man-boobs and she didn't want him to have bigger boobs than her."

Another snort. "That's all?"

"Ever since after dinner last night. Non-stop. On the fastest speed and the highest inclination."

"Not even for potty-breaks?"

"Nope."

Silence.

"I'm going to the toilet," Hinata said.

Silent sighs of relief.

After she had gone upstairs to the toilet, both of them looked at each other.

"I'm going," Sasuke said quickly.

"Me too."

"Aaahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!" A scream came from upstairs.

They looked at each other again.

"You go," Sasuke said quickly.

"No, you go!"

"You're her cousin!"

"You're her boyfriend!"

"Aaaahhhh!!!!!!!!!!" Hinata screamed again.

They both sighed. Wordlessly, they went upstairs together.

They found Hinata huddled on the bathroom floor. She looked up when she heard them approaching.

"I ran out of pads!" she sobbed.

Sasuke looked at her curiously. "Since when did you rollerblade?"

The two Hyuugas stared blankly at him. "What?" asked both of them.

"I said, since when did you rollerblade?"

"I didn't say I rollerblade," replied Hinata, still confused.

"But you just said you ran out of pads! Kneepads and elbow pads!" said Sasuke impatiently.

The two Hyuugas looked at him as if he had sprouted another head.

"She meant sanitary pads, Uchiha," Neji said slowly, as if explaining rocket science to a child.

Sasuke's face coloured. "Oh."

Hinata grabbed the front of his shirt. "Sasuke, I need you to buy me some pads!"

"Sanitary pads, Uchiha. Not rollerblading equipment," Neji said snidely.

"I know that!" Sasuke snapped. He turned back to Hinata. "Er, were you talking to me?"

"Of course, I was talking to you! Do I look as if I was talking to the toilet paper?" Hinata said sarcastically.

"Why can't he go?" Sasuke jabbed a finger in Neji's chest.

"Er…because I…I…really need to go to the toilet!" Neji finished off hurriedly. He then pushed both of them out of the toilet and slammed the door in their faces.

"Oh well," Hinata shrugged. "Looks like you have to go alone, Sasuke. I want you to buy me ultrathin pads with wings."

Sasuke walked out of the house in a daze.

He couldn't believe he was going to do this.

Great. This was going to be his second time shopping on a Cheapo Friday. 'Forgive me, Mother. Forgive me, Father,' he begged silently.

He looked around trying to spot the pads. He finally saw 'Aisle 7: Toiletries'.

He walked towards it, dread settling itself in his stomach. Never in his 18 years of life had he ever felt so embarrassed. As he stepped into Aisle 7, he was bombarded with bright colours, "Super-absorbent!", "Super-comfy!", "No leakage!".

It was hell.

There were so many brands in so many colours that he didn't know which one to choose.

He tried searching for the one Hinata wanted and while he was busy combing the many shelves, he heard a loud, obnoxious voice. Which he knew very well.

"Oi, teme!"

Naruto.

Damn. Could this day get any worse?

"Lee, this is your chance to prove to Tenten-chan of your undying love for her!"

Gai-sensei and his freaky apprentice.

Yes, the day just got worse.

"Tch. How troublesome."

Shikamaru.

And Chouji who was stuffing his face as usual.

Like what the fuck? Was today a national PMS Day?

He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel a migraine building up. "What are all of you doing here?"

"Sakura-chan wanted me to buy her pads."

Oh. No wonder Sakura was super moody today.

"Ino forced us to buy her pads," Chouji said, his mouth spitting food everywhere.

"Troublesome woman."

How typical.

"Tenten-chan sent us on a valiant mission to buy her some pads! As her knights, we shall buy her the best pads ever made!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"And does anyone know where Neji-kun is? He didn't come for training."

Sasuke smirked. Payback. "He was playing dressing-up with Hinata."

Silence.

Laughter erupted.

After they had a good laugh at Neji's expense, they all searched for the stuff they were supposed to buy.

"Hey, teme, are you done?" Naruto asked. The rest had gone to pay for the pads at the counter. "You're taking forever just to buy some dumb sanitary pads!"

"Keep your voice down, will you?" hissed Sasuke. "I'm trying to decide between Kotex and Sofy."

"Buy Kotex, it's better," said Naruto, nodding his head solemnly.

"What are you, a Kotex spokesman?" muttered Sasuke. He hated being told what to do. Especially by the dobe.

"Hey!"

"Woof woof!"

Perfect, now the Dog Whisperer aka Kiba had joined them. Along with his smelly dog.

Sasuke turned to him. "So who PMSed?"

Kiba looked startled. "My sis. She's being such a pain in the ass. What are you doing here?"

"Sasuke's having a hard time thinking about whether he should buy Kotex or Sofy," chipped in Naruto. He didn't like being left out. "Of course I told him to buy Kotex."

"Are you crazy?" exclaimed Kiba. "Everyone knows that Sofy is better!"

Great. So Kiba's a Sofy spokesman.

"Hell no! Kotex is so much better!"

"No! Sofy is better!"

"Sakura uses Kotex!"

"My sis uses Sofy!"

"Kotex!"

"Sofy!"

"Kotex!"

"Sofy!"

"Kot-"

"SHUT UP!" Sasuke roared. "Look, I'm just gonna buy…," he looked around, "Laurier." He grabbed a Laurier package and then walked off to the counter to pay for it and he could still hear them arguing over which one has more benefits in terms of price, quality, leakage and god-knows-what-else.

"Oh wow, you're the first Uchiha to ever shop on a Cheapo Friday!"

Déjà vu.

He looked at the cashier's name-tag. 'Hi, I'm Hiromi Tanaka and I'm your super-friendly Ninja-Mart friend.'

Great. The mother of his 'super-friendly Ninjabucks friend', Hiroshi Tanaka.

"Can I tell my-"

Sharingan activated. He just wanted to Chidori the whole goddamned store and other fucking stores where the Tanakas work at.

"Right."

Well, at least the mother was slightly smarter than her child.

As he turned to walk off after paying, he heard her say "Are you sure I can't tell-"

He turned back. Flashed those scary Sharingan eyes. She shut up.

Okay, maybe she's not so smart.

"Hinata?" He called out to her when he stepped into the house.

"In here, Sasuke!"

He walked entered the living room and-

"Look, Sasu! Aren't these fabulous?" she wiggled her newly-painted toenails and giggled. "Neji-nii-san picked the colour! He has such good taste, don't you think so?"

Sasuke smirked at Neji who was positioned at Hinata's feet, giving her a pedicure. "Yeah, very good taste."

He handed her the package and he waited for his thank-yous, hugs, kisses when she suddenly screamed.

"You're such a dumbass of a boyfriend! You got me the overnight pads! I wanted the ultrathin ones! And for Kami's sake, why did you buy Laurier? Everyone knows Whisper is the best! You better go back to the store and change this!"

Plonk.

"Uh, Hinata-sama. Your boyfriend fainted," Neji said uncertainly.

"Ignore him. I'll make him go back to the store after he wakes up. Continue filing my nails."

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Wow, Hinata is so evil. So remember, don't ever piss off a PMSing girl.

And no offence to Kotex, Sofy and Laurier.