Picture perfect memories surrounded me. A blur of emotions ran through my body. A tear paved its path down my face. I picked up one of the many pictures that were scattered across my bed, holding it delicately as if the memory would disintegrate in my hands if not handled with care. I started at the picture intently, taking in every single detail. William's hand was secured around my waist holding me as close as physically possible, his soft lips were pressed against my cheek but the smile was still evident. As for myself,a wide grin dominated my face, yet my eyes were shut as if I were trying so savour the memory for years to come. For that is all it had become, a memory. A moment of the past. A moment of the past I would never get back. A moment of the past I'd never get back, with the man I would never get back. The man I so badly needed.
I couldn't hold back any longer, it had been 3 weeks since William and I had spoken. I didn't care how mad he was at me and vice versa, I needed to hear his voice. I needed him to tell me everything was going to be ok, I needed him to tell me that we would get through this. My fingers hovered above the numbers, knowing in which order they needed to go in. 0,7,9,6… I'd dialed it enough times,yet this time it seemed harder. Something was stopping me. Something was inside of me was telling me not to call. Yet still, whether it was the slight alcohol taking over any senses I once had, or my heart telling me not to take anymore some thing caused me to press the dial button, but as quick as I pressed dial I disconnected the call. Part of me wanted the call to go through, part of me wanted William to know I was thinking about him. But my head was telling me that if he was thinking about me in the way I was thinking about him he would've called. Or maybe he was waiting for me to call him? And this is where the vicious cycle started, where our differences collided, we were both to stubborn to call one another. Leaving us both torn apart, inconsolable and most of all needing each other.
Wishing on a star is something I only ever believed as a childhood myth, yet still I found myself stood by the window looking out to the night sky. My eyes were drawn to the second star to the right immediately bringing back childhood memories of endless meaningless dreams. I closed my eyes, wondering if I had ever crossed his mind, the way he has crossed mine.
The whiskey spilt over the side for my eyes were transfixed on the door, hoping that someone would slip through and keep me company. No, not just someone, a certain someone, Kate. Despite the spillage surrounding it I picked up my glass gulping down the small amount that actually made it to the glass. The burning sensation of the whiskey didn't seem to faze me as my whole body was completely numb, my heart the only thing left with any feeling. Seeking comfort in the fact I could drink myself into oblivion and forget the events of the past 3 weeks, I picked up the whiskey bottle once more, this time being more careful, despite the wooziness I was beginning to feel. The light on the phone stopped my in my tracks as I noticed the name that had popped up 'Kate' . I stumbled across to reach it, the whiskey now taking over. But as quickly as her name had appeared, it had gone. Mirror images of our relationship circled my head, one minute she was there, she was mine, The next she was gone, no longer in reach, no longer mine. No longer knowing what to do, I fell to the floor, trying to unscramble the muddled thoughts of my mind. Had I really crossed her mind when she called me? Did she need me like I needed her? Or had it all been a faux pas, just like our relationship?
My eye's flicked to the clock, '1.15' it read. With an abundance of work to the do next day I knew I should attempt to sober up and sleep, but still I sat waiting. Waiting for Kate to come creeping in the way she used to after a fight. Except this time, she didn't. This time it was I who was left waiting, this time it was I who had to make the first move. I had to apologize. Convincing myself I would do call first thing in the morning, yet knowing deep down I wouldn't, I stumbled across to my bedroom. A picture of Kate and I sat beside my bed, bringing back the memories of when she was mine. The laughter, the talking till the early hours of the morning, the continuous happiness I felt each day, and most of all the love we shared. Now all I was left with was an empty space beside me, and an empty space in my heart where she should be. I needed Kate.
The next few moments were a complete blur to me, and I still struggle to remember them now. All I know, is that as much they pained me, I did the wrong thing, but it led to the right.
My car keys lay staring at me as if they were taunting me to pick them up. Instinct kicked in, I knew I could not hold back any longer. I ran towards the door picking my keys up on the way, and ran towards the car ignoring the amount of alcohol consumed previously.
My keys started the ignition. My foot hit accelerate. I sped off, unaware of the danger I was putting myself in. A car pulled out in front of me. We collided. I blacked out.
—
As I sit by William's bedside now all my thoughts seem to be coming together as one. All the pain, anger and anguish of the past three weeks have become totally irrelevant. When some one you love becomes so close to being torn away from you you begin to realize what really matters in life. So now I lie beside William, my face buried deep within the crook of his neck and the tears freely flowing down my face. I need him to wake up, I need to apologize, I need to tell him we'll never fight again, to tell him we'll work through this. To tell him I love him, and that I never stopped loving him. I need him now.