Disclaimer: I do not, in all actuality, own either Lancelot (though I can dream) or any references to Dante's Inferno.
A/N This was originally a story for an English project to create your own Hell based on Dante's Inferno, but it became rather epic in length. The good news: it's finished, so it won't take me three thousand mellenia to update!!!!!
Previously, the thought of an adventure held a certain appeal. I mean honestly, who wouldn't like to quest for Candy Mountain atop purple flying unicorns? But that was before, you know, it actually happened, my adventure that is. I can't say I didn't see it coming, if that giant sign on the door at school reading "Welcome to Hell" was any indication, but seriously, it looked you're your usual graffiti! Being the new girl and all, how was I expected to know which doors contained the loos and which were just pretending and were really portals to the nether world?! Well, just in case you were curious as to just who, exactly makes the mistake of wondering into hell on the first day of a new term, please allow me to enlighten you. My name is Amanda Lavoisier, and I am a sophomore or "tenth year" at The Plutonian Institution for the Proper Education of Students in Order to Achieve the Full Potential of their Currently Intellectually Lacking Brains. Yeah, I don't really like to talk about it. Anywho, for my presence here I have only dear old mum to blame, who decided to take a hold of my education personally. Naturally, there are no schools good enough for her precious sunshine on our side of the Atlantic, a.ka. the American one, so I got shipped off to The Plutonian Institution for the…yeah, not saying that again…which, to get to the point, is in jolly old England. Oh, and the jolly old England bit? It's all a lie, because people here are not jolly, not even in the vaguest sense of the word. I have yet to see one smile, never mind laugh, a skill which appears to have been bred out of them. Actually, that's not true. I have seen one girl smile, and that was when I trod on my own foot and fell spectacularly down two flights of stairs…but nows not the time. The real story here is about how I left Spanish class for the loos and ended up in hell.
So there I was, sitting in a room full of silent, unsmiling teenagers, three images that should never be present in the same sentence, and really needing to pee. I sat there a few moments more, pondering the dichotomy of good and evil, (actually I was just thinking about lunch) before I decided to be brave and ask to leave the room. It may seem humorous to the third party observer that I was afraid of my Spanish professor, but believe me when I tell you that my fears were not without reason. Yeah, when Millie Wentworth was missing from class for a week last term, the school claimed the presence of a pathetic medical complex like Yersinia pestise. Honestly, when was the last time a kid contracted a septicemic plague in school? Like 1497? The students knew the truth, and it had naught to do with corporeal disfiguring and presently non-existent diseases. So you'll understand my condition when I tentatively raised my hand to ask the query that could so easily spell my doom….
"Yes Miss Lavoisier? Do you have something intelligent to contribute to the conversation?" Stifled sniggering could be heard throughout the classroom. I was hoping they had missed the delicate stress Mr Helesonopolis had laid on the word intelligent, but due to the laughter that his remark had produced, that wasn't the case. At least I had learned that my classmates did have the physical capability of laughter, I thought they were missing some anatomical parts or whatever.
"Er…No. Actually I was just wondering if I could run to the bathroom." I held my breath as I waited for his response. The events that followed and their effect on his swarthy pink face; framed with bushy blonde beard and complete with monocle as they were, would have been hilarious to watch had the situation not been so serious. The pink on his face was replaced first by a kind of purple, creeping slowly up his neck and then solidifying into a freakish skin tone. At this point he rather resembled some sort of mutated radish subspecies. He sputtered incoherently, his moustache wobbling slightly giving it the appearance of a woolly caterpillar about to be thrown of its perch.
"You wish to do…what?!" He forced out after what seemed an eternity.
"Go. To. The. Bathroom." I repeated slowly, deciding that honestly was the best policy. At this point his tiny eyes were beginning to pop, they had widened to the point where I could see the little red lines left by his monocle. "Please?" I added as a rather tentative afterthought. I let him sputter a bit more before bringing out the big guns. "I'm experiencing feminine issues." That did it. His eyes bulged, if possible, even further, and the radish hue his skin had adopted was replaced by a mildly amusing combination of green, white and blue. I tore my eyes away from his rapidly perspiring skin to take in the whole of his flabby face. His mouth had puckered up in a manner that could be said to resemble someone who has just swallowed a frog. Not that I know what someone looks like just after swallowing small green amphibians, but I can hazard a guess. He appeared beyond words, so I interpreted his unbelieving silence as a confirmative one, and sprinted from the room. So much for a dignified exit. On a brighter note I was now free to choose my own destiny, or rather which bathroom to use. I trotted down the hall in search of the farthest loo possible from the Spanish room. I doubt I will ever regret a decision more than the one to pass the first floor lavatory by. Humming happily to myself, I skipped on by, shooting the closed door with its little blue and white plastic woman a look of contempt; I proceeded to the bathroom I thought I knew was upstairs. Reaching the top of the lengthy stairs puffing slightly, I cast about for the bathroom. I quickly spotted the men's room, and next to it was an identical door, save of course the fact that the words "Welcome to Hell" were scrawled messily upon it's grubby surface. That made me chuckle, ever since I had arrived at the school, I had indeed felt like I was in my own personalized hell. How wrong I was. The writing on the door caused me to pause and survey it's canvas. You could see the mire left over from hundreds of dirty children's hands smearing the hideous old wood, and even see the patchy glue silhouette where the plastic girl had once been stuck. Stupid vandals, who would want one of those? Shaking my head and cringing inwardly at the amount of microbial organisms I was toughing as I did so, I grasped the handle and swung open the door. I was not, as I suspected, in a tiny and rather grungy bathroom on the second floor of school. Instead, I was standing on a landing at the top of a seemingly endless spiral staircase that plunged into the abyss below. I probably should have mentioned previously that it was the middle of September, and in England, that means warm. Not so much here. The air had become cool and thin, and my hair was being ruffled by the wind. I'll admit I was a little slow with this one. It took me a full minute to think it was even the teensiest bit odd that there was wind inside a staircase. That was rather strange, I had to admit, but I was prevented from further scrutinizing the situation by the unmistakable and endlessly annoying sound of a throat being cleared. I about faced, military style, to find the source of my irritation. You see, I had fancied myself alone in this rather brave new world. It turned out not to be so. Standing by the wall opposite was an extremely attractive guy. About six feet tall, he looked about six or seventeen. His face was angelic, which as I would soon find out was rather ironic. Matters weren't helped by the fact that thick obsidian locks offset his mismatched eyes, one blue and one green. Needless to say, I'm a sucker for dark haired blokes. He was made all the more attractive by the cocky smirk playing at his lips, revealing a set of sparkling white, perfect teeth.
"Took you long enough." He said, his voice low and smooth, arrogance radiating through every syllable. This caught me rather off guard. I mean seriously, I was the one who was supposed to be asking questions, like why are you in a girls lav, to start. Not to mention afore stated hot guy seemed to have been waiting for me. This must be my day.
"Um…What?" I asked. How clever. I was just little miss brilliant this morning. To my surprise, the fit bloke didn't seem at all put off by my lack of witty response. Instead, that god-forsaken smirk became more pronounced, and those gorgeous eyes began to sparkle.
"You heard me." He stated, the smile growing wider.