Title: You're Still the One (For Me)
Author: OpheliacAngel
Pairings: Sam/Dean, Sam/Jess (past)
Genres: Romance/Family
Rating: Teen
Summary: On the anniversary of Jess' death, Sam moves on with another long-neglected part of himself.
A/N: Written for Day 2 of #queersamweek on tumblr, which is Favorite Queer relationship.
It's been a year exactly since Sam found Jess burning on the ceiling.
Her death has become a lot easier to deal with after all these months; he's still angry and still feels a whole lot of guilt, but it no longer tears at him as much as it had in those first few months. He'll never forget her: her smile, her penchant for making mouth-watering cookies, the way her nose crinkled when she laughed and how that laugh lit him up from the inside. He'll never forget how much he loved her when they made love, when he woke up every morning to find her curled up beside him, soft, blonde hair spilling out around her face like a golden halo. He would wrap her in his arms and kiss every freckle on her face until she giggled and shoved him anyway.
She cared about what he cared about, understood when he needed space and somehow understood even more when he would sit and stare at his phone for long minutes, staring at the evidence of his brother's voice mails. Jess had known nothing about his family - Sam had never even mentioned his brother - but sometimes he had a feeling that she knew, knew that there was a place in his heart that he was saving for someone else. She never felt jealous over that, and all she did was love him more for it.
He'll never forget the way she made him feel.
Sam expresses his desire to visit her grave after he and Dean finish up a hunt, and to Sam's surprise Dean actually thinks it's a good idea. Dean speeds like a maniac across six states just so Sam can see Jess in time, on the exact day. His thanks don't go nearly far enough for that.
Dean offers to hang back at the car, even though Sam knows that he knows that he would rather have him come with him. Sam's lack of an answer reveals that and Dean follows him silently, hanging back when Sam kneels in front of Jessica's gravestone and puts down the flowers he's brought.
"Hey, Jess. Just wanted to come and say hi."
He talks for a little while after that, tells her that he's on the road with his brother and that he's actually happy, but that he still misses her all the time. He forgets that Dean is standing right behind him, a silent shadow. Rather than feeling embarrassed about what Dean's probably heard, he relaxes at having been able to say things that he's wanted to tell him but has never known how to.
Dean is important to him. Dean's wants and needs are important to him, and he knows he's gotten this across to Jess - which means Dean - in one way or another.
He stands up, satisfied that he's said what he's wanted to say, and turns around to face his ever-watchful big brother. "I'm done."
Dean quirks an eyebrow in concern, "You sure? Cause if you need another hour or so I can leave and come back. We don't have anything lined up, so you can take all the time you need."
"No, I'm sure." He couldn't be more sure of anything else. He will always love Jess, but it's time to move on and face another side of himself, one he's always pushed down like it was a poison when it was nothing less than a gift.
Dean seems to take him at his word with that and wraps an arm around Sam, who leans into the touch. Dean removes his arm the very second Sam leans into the touch though, no doubt feeling guilty for taking his time away from Jess. He hates that Dean thinks that, hates that Dean thinks he isn't important to Sam, or worse, that he's second to Jess when she's dead and gone.
Sam's been thinking a lot about his life and what he wants lately, especially while he was talking to Jess. He wraps his own arm around Dean this time, squeezing his shoulder and pulling him closer. Dean ducks his head but Sam presses a kiss to the side of his neck to draw him out of his shell.
"What the hell, Sam?" Dean tries to pull away but Sam holds him strong and fast.
He whispers in Dean's ear, "Do you know who's important to me right at this very moment, Dean?" He nips at his ear playfully, breathing in the scent of his big brother and smiling wide at the joy he feels. "Do you know who I love more than anyone else in the world?"
It's finally time for him and Dean.
Dean shoves at him but Sam's ready for it, he takes hold of Dean's hands and holds them to his chest tightly. He can hear the racing of Dean's heart, can taste the sweat soaking his neck as his lips press against the soft skin.
"Get the hell off me." His brother pushes against him weakly, as if no match for Sam's passion and desire. He wants to taste Dean, all of him, wants to bury himself inside his brother and not come out for a good, long while. He's wanted it since he was fourteen, but never asked for it and never took it. "Sam..."
"Don't, Dean. Let me." He strokes his forehead, wiping away the sweat pouring down his face, a witness to the war raging behind his brother's hazel eyes.
Dean is so beautiful and he doesn't even know it. He is everything to Sam and more, so much more.
Sam's been with other guys before Jess while at school, has found out what draws him in and what pushes him away. Dean is so different than all of them, and Sam knows that no one could ever compare. He smiles softly at him, kissing his sweat-soaked hair. "I love you so much, you must've figured it out at some point." His breath ghosts across Dean's cheek and he snuffles adorably against him. He tilts Dean's up to look into his own, "Let me love you."
Dean swallows thickly, hunching in on himself despite Sam's efforts to open him up. "This is wrong, Sam. We can't do this."
"This," Sam kisses him full on the lips, "this is not wrong, Dean. This is right." Sam kisses Dean again and he can feel his brother's eyelashes fluttering against his eyelids; it excites him more than anything else could. "We deserve this, we deserve to have this. I need this, Dean."
The want for Dean that has been always there has now turned into need. Jess is gone and it's just the two of them, and Sam wants to spend every moment with Dean, wants to wake up to him and kiss him until he's dizzy from it.
He will show Dean that this is good and right and so goddamn perfect.
Dean gives in when he hears that, his arms wrapping around Sam's neck, Sam's mouth overcome by and lost in the heat of Dean's own. They kiss for a long time, sticky with sweat and greed, lust and need, and Sam hooks his fingers in the belt loops on the back of Dean's jeans, wanting to pick him up and carry him to Dean's baby so that they can fuck each other senseless in the back seat, but not stupid enough to go through with it considering Dean's heavy enough that he would probably drop him.
Sam's head is on top of Dean's own, Dean's head tucked in underneath his chin and they just stand there and hold each other and breathe.
I need him, Jess. Don't hate me for it.
The second he thinks it he knows that she never would. She knew it all along, somehow, and it brings up a strength in Sam that he never knew he had. Remembering how much he loved Jess and loving Dean at this point in his life are easy.
They walk back to the car when the sun starts to sink lower in the sky. Sam finds some more hidden strength and picks Dean up a little bit at the end, when the Impala is in sight. Dean gives him hell for it, but it's so worth it.
Their love is worth everything.
FIN