Punk and I were beginning to feel like how we used to be again. It was great having my friend back. Adam didn't seem to like me being friends with Punk again but he said he trusted me. It felt good hearing a boyfriend say those words to me.
Adam asked me about the truth between Punk and me. I told him that I will always love Phil and had felt like he was the one but that didn't effect how I felt about him. I told Adam that I wanted to be with him and only him. If he needed me to, I would tell him every day that it was him that I wanted to be with. He seemed to drop the conversation after that.
Still, I could feel that Adam was pulling away from me. The distance between us was beginning to grow. By the beginning of May, I was fielding rumors that he was cheating on me. Adam would assure me that I had nothing to worry about but something wasn't clicking with us the way it used to. I chalked it up to being paranoid due to the fact that we were both on the road again and didn't get to see much of each other. Adam said he was going to make it up to me by spending a week in Chicago. Chris had bought a house in the suburbs and invited all of us to his house warming party. It was the first time Adam had really been around my friends and he wasn't acting like himself. He seemed distracted and kept checking his phone.
I pulled him away to the gazebo and asked if everything was alright. He reassured me that everything was fine, that he was just checking in with the rest of the band who was putting finishing touches on a new song.
Punk sought me out in the gazebo once I was alone. "So, that's Adam, huh? Seems like a great guy."
"Yeah, he's pretty terrific."
"So how am I doing? Am I 100% back in your good graces?"
I shook my head. "If you've got to ask, Punk, then the answer is no." my focus was straight ahead, not looking at him.
"You're still calling me Punk? You use to call me Phil or P even before we dated."
"That was then. Punk is name you told me to call you. You won't hear anything else till I think you've earned the right to be called something else. Just be glad it's no longer asshole."
Punk let out a hard breath of air. "Look." He said, stepping in front of me, forcing me to look at him.
"I can't take back what I said and did. I must have replayed that night a million times over in my head. If I could go back in time and stop myself from making the biggest mistake of my life, I would. It's been amazing the last month being your friend again but I still miss you. I still love you, Krissy. I have never stopped loving you, wanting you, or needing you. Do you think you can ever find it in my heart to love me again?"
"No." I said quickly.
I looked deep in his brown eyes so he would know that I meant what I said.
"You told me that you could never want to be with me again, even if I was the last person on Earth. You put me through hell these last few years, because you didn't trust me. Adam does. I don't want to be in love with you. I'm with Adam. I choose him. You and I are friends. Nothing more. Now if you'll excuse me." I said, taking off my cover and jumping in the pool.
As soon as I hit the water, I wanted to take back my words. Punk was trying but I was blocking him at every effort. But too much time had passed for me to take him seriously at the moment. My words, however true it felt, were only meant to hurt him.