Thinking Of Him The Whole Time
Steven Hay entered his empty bedroom,drunk and distressed. Brendan's black colored blazer hung on the door handle. George Smith followed behind,when he told his best friend Phoebe McQueen he was going out on the pull. He meant it and he really did not care who it was with;at this point. Though in the morning the guilt will rise.
Brendan Brady entered his cell room, which for now he has to occupy on his own. He was okay with it,he did not feel like sharing his room just now. The guard followed behind him silently. Locking the door on Brendan,without saying a word. Brendan felt so alone already.
Steven did not want to sleep with George, in his heart and his head. Some people say to go with your heart or your head. Steven was going with neither,since neither were there now. Steven felt his lips go on George's, it physically repulsed him,yet he carried on. The fact he was drunk didn't help matters either. George kissed him back,it was clear he had no experience. He had no clue where to go from here.
Brendan sat up right on his bed. He kept picturing Steven alone in bed. He would never imagine Steven getting closer to a man,less than a day after he was put away. He thought Steven was better than that. Brendan let tears fall,as he just realized he was going to be alone. He told Steven not to visit him,and he was sure Steven would listen to him even if his heart was not in it.
Well George was on top of him,Steven closed his eyes. Trying to picture it was Brendan,though it was hard with George having a thinner and weaker body. Hardly any meat on his bones,the only thing he can rely on is the color of his hair. He was thankful that George did not talk, or make any noises. He did not want to listen to his whiny voice. He felt George kissing his neck, it made him feel sick, that he was letting this happen. He felt himself crying though George never noticed,if he did then he would stop right away. Ste wanted to say no so badly.
Brendan got into the single bed,wrapping the thin covers around his body after he heard the guard shouting Lights of! Lights of! He could still hear him now,as he was walking down the corridor. Telling the prisoners. Brendan put his hand down the side,to collect the picture of him and Steven in Dublin. He looked at it for about three minutes,till the lights went out. He signed,when it all went to darkness and silence. The only sound he could hear was the prisoners chanting. Losers! Losers! Until it stopped. It brought him right back to the reality that he was in prison and he was not getting out for at least ten years.
Steven held onto pillow next to him,moving up. He felt George wrap his arms around him,kissing his neck again. George moved his hand on Steven's leg,moving it up and down. Steven was whimpering, he may be drunk but he still knows what is happening, he knows he hates it. Yet he feels frozen to the spot, the word no can stop it all, yet he does not even have the strength to say it. Again he closes his eyes,he pictures its Brendan. He mumbles Brendan,George does not hear it, if he did he would stop. George never wants to take advantage of somebody but Ste made him think it was okay.
Brendan kept tossing and turning,he could not sleep It was very cold,the prison was like hell frozen over. He was feeling so alone and lost,like nobody cared about him. Though he do anything for Cheryl Brady and Steven Hay. Anything at all, he would die for them. He was not going to let Cheryl go to prison and ruin her life. She was his baby sister,that was never going to happen. He feels so bad to what he done to Steven. After everything he done for him;made him love again and made him a better father. He was letting Cheryl live her life,though he ruined Steven's. It was dammed if he does,damned if he doesn't. No matter what he done,he would have ruined somebody's life. It was so unfair and fate has truly turned on him. That last kiss he got with Steven,is something he will never forget. He will never forget Steven and he will never forget how he made him feel and he will never forget their bittersweet moments.
Steven wanted to feel so badly,which is why he is letting George do all this to him. He thought it make him feel better,it does not. It makes him feel worst,all he wants is to see Brendan's face again. He do anything to see his face again,he beg on his knees for them to let him see him if it came to it. He sleep outside the police station till Brendan accepted him. Him and Brendan were meant to get their happy ending. Yet here he is,having intercourse with some guy he barely knows. He is still in college as well. He can't sink any lower. Brendan is all alone in prison,with murderers,rapists,perverts and all those types of people. He was thinking about Brendan the whole time him and George were having intercourse.
Brendan closed his eyes,still failing to get any sleep at all. All he could see was darkness,foreshadowing what he will see every night for ten to thirty years. Brendan needed to get back his style,though it felt impossible at this moment. No man was going to fear him again,they all know what he done and who he is. Not every one is going to accept the new gay inmate. Nobody will really be accepting. He is ready for the name-calling. The you're a 'Queer'. You're a 'Poof'. He is ready for all that, his own father called him those things. So a bunch of strangers wont make any difference. Though if they mention his boyfriend,he won't let them get away with it. Steven was still his boyfriend, Brendan never told him it was over for good and neither did Steven. Something Steven forgot about until it was too late.
Steven finally said no. The sudden remembrance of him and Brendan not being completely over,made him feel sick. He basically cheated on him, with a stupid kid. He talked like a child,and sometimes acted like one. His age may say he is 17, though he is just a child really. Not even 18 yet. Steven just laid there,not knowing where his arms were. He just wanted to go to sleep,and then he kick him out. He still has morals, he was not going to just kick him out at this time of night. Steven never really done this before,never slept with somebody moments after meeting them. Darren Osborne was right,he was not Brendan. Steven acted like the 'old' Brendan for about two hours,getting drunk,snapping at his friend and now sleeping with some bloke he met five minutes ago.
The sunlight hit his eyes,Brendan forgot how he got to sleep. It does not matter now anyway. Brendan opened them,already he could hear was prisoners outside in the corridor. He signed,before rising from his bed. He picked up his towel and clothes for a quick shower. He has not showered with ten other men for a while. He opened the door,already he felt people talking about him. He heard some men calling him queer and poof. Yet he never reacted,as long as they don't mention Steven. It's fine really. He walked past them. He knew they mock him about the shower, he stepped in the showers. They were not private,they were out in the open. Great he thought with sarcasm.
Steven woke up,to find George still in his arms. He let go straight away. He got up, putting on the first clothes he could get his hands on and put them on. He picked up George's clothes,chucking them at him. He was very naive. George smiled,saying morning. He thought it meant they were a couple. Steven told him to get out, George looked confused and hurt. George put on his clothes,getting of the bed. Steven walking over to the door,opening it up and almost pushing him out as he slammed the door, bursting out in fresh tears. Going on the floor,with his back against the door.
Fin