A/N: Just a silly idea that popped into my head. I hope it amuses you as much as it did me. Don't want to be self-indulgent here.

Of Saved Citizens and Bumbling Idiots

"But- but Mali-ik, she touched me!"

"Altair, people touch you all the time- WHEN YOU WALK INTO THEM!" Malik raged from behind the Bureau counter. Grand Master and the man was still an idiot. It seemed the apple could only do so much for one's intelligence.

"I said I was sorry about that..." Idiot was now sulking.

"You destroyed my maps! You stupid novice, they should have killed you to put you out of your misery. Or save me the misery of having to deal with you."

"But- she - and they have teeth, Malik. TEETH. In places where they're shouldn't be."

Malik was non-plussed.

"Really, novice? You really believe that?" Read: Please tell me I'm dreaming.

"YES! Or gnomes. Maybe it's gnomes. I can't remember the story exactly." Read: Sorry, no. I'm actually this insane.

"And yet you believe it... A story with gnomes or teeth in some part of the female anatomy?"

"AND SHE KISSED ME! THE OUTRAGE!" Read: I am a misogynist of the highest order.

"Altair, I will throw you into the fountain if you do not shut up."

"BUT- but... she kissed me" Altair was squeaking now. Positively squeaking. Little eagle must have thought himself a mouse. Idiot novice.

"So? It's a gesture of gratitude. That's what you get for saving the poor, helpless women of Jerusalem."

"If I helped you, would you kiss me?" Idiot now thought himself both smart and devious. He was obviously proud of himself. Malik couldn't let him live with such delusions, it'd be bad for the brotherhood, after all. That, and Malik hated idiots.

"Why don't you save me, and we'll find out?" Read: Attempt this and die.

He had intended to shove his sword into the younger man if he even tried. Unfortunately, Grand Masters are immune to learning. It's the one factor they all have in common. Think they have nothing to learn because they've attained the highest rank. Fools. Malik could kill all of them for their stupidity. But then he'd have to be Grand Master. Eventually. And he could not handle that. He'd have to kill himself. And Malik was not one for such displays of idiocy.

Of course, given Malik's luck, two days later found him harassed by guards in the marketplace. They liked picking on the cripple. He would stab them all if he wasn't carrying so many pots of ink. Unfortunately, he was saved, by an idiot in splendid white robes and a scarlet sash, with pointed hood and far too much arrogance.

"So, gonna kiss me?"

And now Malik had only two options:

1. He could say no and let the idiot win.

-or-

2. He could say yes, kiss the idiot, and win.

The first option was clearly not acceptable, as it ended in Altair being right. The second option forced him to kiss Altair, but the outcome was most favorable. And he didn't really have the option of a third. Option three was often physical violence, and his single hand was occupied. Fuck.

He stalked up to the smirking idiot and pressed his lips to the Grand Master's. Said Grand Master positively shrieked, flew away from Malik with arms flapping like wings, eyes wide.

"Why must everyone do that?" Read: Why must everyone else do that? I could accept it if it were only you.

"Because you're so dreadfully attractive, Altair. Those you save cannot be expected to ignore your devilishly good looks. We are seduced in that moment. Obviously."

"I hate you." Read: I love you, you dismal ass.

"The feeling is mutual." Idiot novice.

A/N: After re-reading this for editing purposes, I have realized that Malik's internal monologues are rather egomaniacal. Like he's really saying '...Same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world.' Face, please meet palm. Kthanks.