This was written for Cassidy – Cassidy,, I hope you enjoy my first try ever at Wolfstar!
Word count: 3211
my memories are immortal/as is my love for you
"Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can." - Nicholas Sparks
["Can you really love me even though I am a monster?"
"Trust me on this Remus: you're no monster. If anything, I'm the one who has the blackest soul."
"That was a horrible pun Sirius."
"But it made you smile, so I consider it worth it."]
When you lay on your bed at night, you remember the feeling of his hand on your skin, of his hot kisses trailing your body and mapping every inch of you like you were the key to a treasure only he could find.
You remember how he used to whisper 'I love you' in your ear, how his eyes used to sparkle with mischief and how he always threw back his head when he laughed.
You remember how happy he was with you and how happy you were with him, and how genuine he always seemed.
You remember four friends roaming through the woods as animals and then walking into the world as if it owed them something. You remember friendship so strong it could have done anything and a sense of belonging that warmed your bones.
And yet here you are, alone in a bed too big for you, your hands clutching empty sheets where he should be.
You remember dreaming of a future together, mapping up the years to come as surely as he mapped your body, until it all came crashing down and you woke up with ashes in your mouth.
Was it all a lie? Was everything you shared a mere illusion?
Sometimes it really seems so.
(but the memories are so real…)
["What are you doing Remus?"
"Can't you see? I'm leaving. This-this is what's best, best for the both of us. I-we can't Sirius. I'm sorry but I have to leave."
"Oh not this again! Moony, I already told you, I don't care that you're a werewolf! If anything I like it – it makes you just that more wild in bed."
"You tell me that now, but I know that one day…"
"One day what? One day I'll grow tired of you and won't want to be with you anymore? Well sorry to have to be the one to tell you that, but the world doesn't revolve around you Moony. I love you, and I chose to be with you. I choose to be with you every day. I told you I was never going to leave you and I meant it. Merlin Moony, what will it take to make you see you're not alone in this?"
"But what if one day you want a family? I'll never be able to give you that!"
"Is this what this is about, my potential future family?"
"Well yes. I saw how brilliant you were with Harry – don't pretend you don't like children!"
"Of course I like children Moony! I'm brilliant with children, but that's not the point. In case you haven't noticed, I'm gay. I've accepted I probably would never have children of my own. Hell, I left my family for that, even if I would have left those bigoted idiots behind for any other reason. And as much as I like being Harry's godfather, I have no need to have my own children."
"But your name…"
"Remus, tell me, in all the years you have known me, when have I ever cared for my name? It can die for all I care, maybe at least that way they would do something good for this world."
"Well no, but…"
"But no but. I love you, you love me and I want to spend my life with you. What's so complicated about that?"
"Nothing."
"Good, now come back to bed. It's too damn early to get up."]
Apart from your relationship with Sirius, after Hogwarts your life had seemed to just get worse and worse, like you had been released into the sea but no matter what couldn't seem to get closer to the beach.
Lily's parents had died, James' had been killed and Voldemort was gaining more and more power. You couldn't get a job but the lowliest in the magical world due to you being a werewolf, and the Order asked infiltration missions that were harder and harder.
Your own pack (Sirius, James, Lily and their son and Peter) was enough for you but your part in defeating Voldemort was to try to win over other werewolves.
It had taken you a long time to even notice that people gave you less and less attention as years passed by, until it was revealed there was a spy in the Order and you weren't even warned.
Did Sirius tell them to suspect you so that he wouldn't be? Did he sell you out to save his own skin?
(did you really mean so little to him that it was that easy to think you betrayed them?)
You're on a roller-coaster that just keeps going down and down, and just when you think it can't get any lower, it does.
[By the time you get home it's almost midnight, but you've learned long ago not to care about when you finished working. A job is a job after all, and you really do need the money.
It's the first time the house is empty though. It sends a cold shiver down to your spine, because getting home to an unusually house in those times isn't a nice omen. Not at all, and even if you and Sirius don't officially live together, you know that if you're there he won't be far.
You lift your wand to make light because you dare not turn on the lights, and there are several curses already on your lips. You may never be able to become an Auror, but that doesn't mean you haven't learned how to fight for yourself.
There's a note left on the table, an innocuous white piece of paper lying on plain sight in the kitchen. It's only half-relieving, because there's only one kind of emergency that would cause Sirius to leave at that time of the night, and that kind doesn't bear to think about.
Forgive me Remus, please.
I'll make everything right, I swear.
SB.
PS: I love you
There's something oh so wrong with that note, and it has nothing to do with the stains on it that can only come from tears.
Something in your heart breaks apart, maybe it's even your heart, but all you can do is stare at the last three words until the sun comes up and an owl fly in with the news.
He's there, on the front page, laughing madly as if someone just made a fun joke, except that the headlines tells you there is no joke.
James, Lily, Peter and twelve Muggles are dead, and the world is screaming against Sirius Black.
(and that note suddenly takes another, terrible, meaning)]
You get by, day after day, from one place to another. You refuse to link with other people for years, because you know it'll only hurt more when they leave you.
You avoid England and try to bury yourself in the Muggle world where no one can find you and remind you of your terrible mistakes.
It doesn't work because you're no Muggle, and because there's always someone nice enough to pity you and try to help you.
(then they see you for the monster you are and you leave. Better be in exile than be forced to endure the disgusted looks of everyone around you)
Your life isn't exactly bad, but it's definitely not good either. If you had to use only one word to describe how you're living, it would be 'surviving'.
It seems ironic that the only one who had all the cards stacked against him from the beginning (werewolf, poor and rejected) is the only one who didn't get his life completely ruined like so many others of his generation.
Or maybe you did get your life ruined.
After all, all you've lost is everything good in your life and all you're left with are immortal memories of better days that torment you every time you dare close your eyes.
["Come on Remus, did you really think we'd believe your aunt just died and that was why you had to leave Hogwarts? We may not be as clever as you, but even Sirius – 'Oi!' – managed to notice that she had died twice in a year," says James uncharacteristically seriously one night after you came back from the Hospital wing.
"And you look much too sick for someone who missed two days of school. If it were me, I'd be ecstatic!"
James silences Peter with a glare, and turns back to you.
"We know what you are," he whispers once again seriously, even though there really was no need to, considering you have the dormitory all to yourselves.
Your heart stops in your chest and your throat constricts painfully as you realize that whatever you had here, it's now over. You don't even try to deny it – your mind has already added up all the small clues you carelessly left behind, and you know how easy it would be to discover your secret if one had a motive.
And those three boys definitely had one, seeing as you live with them.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have… I mean, I'll tell Dumbledore I need to leave, just could you please-er…"
For the first time, you can't find words, and you feel your cheeks heat up in shame. It's weird, because you could have sworn you didn't have blood there anymore with how much you had paled.
"What do you mean?" James asks, and his face looks almost bewildered. But that's impossible, because surely if they knew, then they wanted you to leave.
(you won't dare hope otherwise. You've learned long ago just how cruel hope is)
"Don't worry, I-I understand perfectly. I wouldn't want to be with me either, if I knew, so of course I'll leave you alone and…" And you're ranting, and your heart is beating very weirdly, a mixture of too fast, out of control and too slow, and suddenly a barking laugh cuts you out of your panicking thoughts.
Sirius' head is thrown back and he's fucking laughing, but you can't see at what or why, because there definitely isn't anything funny there.
"I think you misunderstood Remus. Do you think he misunderstood James? I think he really did."
You're completely thrown back. It feels like you're being mocked, but the tone is Sirius' usual one for light banter, the one you really don't think he'd ever use with you again now that he knows.
Peter is silent, and you almost zone out James' and Sirius' conversation, even though they're just in front of you.
('Come on, don't be mean to him Sirius, I'm sure the poor boy's just been terribly shocked.'
'I think you're channeling your mother my dear Jamesie. Tut, tut, you really should be more careful…'
'Hell no I'm not! No way!'
'Did you or did you not call him a 'poor boy'? Is your memory failing you already?'
'On which side are you already?')
"Erm… Sorry?" You don't know why you apologize exactly, but it feels like you should.
It must have been the right thing to say, because just like that James throws his arm on your shoulders -awkwardly considering his position, but kudos to him for trying – and gives you that pitying look he first gave you when you told him that 'the Library was cool'.
"Remus, my dear boy…"
('Now you sound like Dumbledore!'
'Shut up Sirius!')
You share an exasperated look with Peter, though it definitely is also fond. Despite however hard you may try, you feel hope rising from deep inside of you, because none of them reacted like you expected them to.
"What those two idiots are trying to say is that we've known for a while, and that we don't care."
"You-you don't care that-that I'm a-a…"
"A werewolf, yes, and no we don't care," finishes Sirius.
You're stunned speechless, which is definitely another first you're not sure you like either, and even though there's this small part of you that don't believe them (yet), you smile your first true smile of the day.
"Yeah, we even think it's cool. I mean, you could be our mascot, and you'd scare the Slytherins away and we'd finally be able to show everyone just how evil they –" James' rant is cut off by Sirius' hand slapping him on the back of his head.
"Remus is not to be our mascot James! What kind of stupid idea is that?"
James takes one look at your pale face and apologize.
"Oops, sorry Rem's. Too soon for the wolf's jokes?"
"Definitely," you answer drily, but the perspective of there being wolf's jokes in the future makes you feel lighter.
There's a small silence, but it's quickly broken by, no surprise there, Sirius.
"So Remus, any ideas on how we could help you get through this violent rabbit problem?"
You blink hard at him while James and Peter crack up before you.
"Sorry, what did you say exactly? I must have misheard you, because I could have sworn you just implied that you wanted to get near me when I transform."
"That's exactly what I meant Remus," replies Sirius, and you allow yourself just one second to savor the moment, to feel what it's like to have friends who'd do that for you, before you begin to yell at him for his more than stupid idea.
(his eyes sparkle like the sun, and there's such resolve in them that you know, somewhere deep in your mind, that you won't be able to convince him to let go of his idea)]
Then you receive a visit from Albus Dumbledore, the man who had once given you everything and is at the origin of quite literally all the happiness in your life, and who reminds you of everything you've been trying to forget.
He offers you a post at Hogwarts, and he tells you that Harry will be there, that he will need protection.
When you ask from what, he looks at you with one of those pitying glances that make you feel like life you're back in your parents' yard, thinking you won't be able to come to Hogwarts. It also says that you've managed to hide yourself and your problems so well in the Muggle world that you've completely lost touch with your world.
That look tells you that you've run as far as you could, and that you were now facing a dead end with all of your problems catching up to you.
And then he tells you that Sirius has escaped from Azkaban, and that everything seems to say he's after Harry.
You sink in a sharp breath and behind your eyes you see a flash of his laughing face as he gives Harry his first toy-broom, but you squash this image as soon as it appears. You can't help reflecting on the past when you sleep, but you know better than to do it awake.
One look at you and he knows, but the old man still smiles as benevolently. It's been so long since anyone trusted you that way… Perhaps too long.
"I trust this won't be a problem?" He asks, but you're Remus Lupin and Sirius Black betrayed you that night as much as he betrayed everyone else.
You may still love him (perhaps you always will), but your heart also knows its duties.
You will protect Harry, and if it means you have to hand Sirius over to a fate worse than death, then you will do it.
Even if it means that it would kill you as surely as it would him.
"No, no it won't be."
It's a lie and yet the truth, but it's the best you can do.
["What are you doing all by yourself Moony?"
"I'm just watching the stars- wait, what did you call me?"
"Moony. You know, werewolf, Moon, Moony – that's you. Like a secret name for us to call you."
"And a way to play a joke on everyone else too."
"Yeah, there is a bit of that too."
"Now why doesn't this surprise me?"
"Remus Lupin, did you just say you didn't find me surprising? This hurt right there, in my poor poor heart. I shall never recover, unless…"
"Unless what?"
"Unless you kiss me?"
"You-you want me to kiss you?"
"Well, except if you don't want to… I just thought you wanted to too, because you know…"
"Never thought I'd see the day where Sirius Black was lost for words."
"Oh shut up! This is embarrassing."
"I bet it is."
"So… About that kiss…"
"Oh come here you idiot!"
His lips on yours are warm and firm, and they taste like pepper and coconuts. It's a weird mix, but it might become your favorite thing in the world.]
And then you learn that Sirius is innocent, and all the walls you had so carefully crafted around your heart come tumbling down.
He has changed; Azkaban has scarred him in a way deeper than being a werewolf in hiding ever changed you, but you know that deep inside he's still the Sirius you fell in love with.
It will just take some time for the both of you to heal and move past this. It will take time for your battered souls to align themselves the way they used to, now that they've been so broken by mistrust and separation.
In the meantime, his lips against yours still taste like pepper and coconuts, and his hands seem even warmer against your skin, or perhaps that's just because all you had for years were cold memories.
Sirius still tastes like freedom, and that's all you've ever wanted.
["Tell me, if you had the chance to change one thing, one single thing in the past, what would you do?"
"I'd become James' and Lily's Secret Keeper, of course. It's my fault they're dead… If I could, I'd do anything to change that."
"I thought you'd say that."
"But what about you Moony, what would you change if you could?"
"If I had the chance, I wouldn't change a thing. It may be selfish, but look at where we are today. We may have lost much, but what's to say that we wouldn't lose more by changing something? I hated the last thirteen years Sirius, I hated them. We both went through some kind of hell, but we got away. Isn't that what matters?"
"You know this kind of thinking's never been my forte, don't you?"
"Of course I do. But what I'm trying to say here Sirius, is that today I have you, and you have me. So yes, if I had the chance to chance something, I wouldn't do anything, because I don't want to do anything that could jeopardize what we have now."
(truly, all you're saying is 'I love you, don't you ever dare leave me again')]
AN/
And this concludes this terribly long OS, and my first try at wolfstar. To tell the truth, I'm kind of proud of how this turned out. I really wasn't sure were this would go at first, but I really had fun writing this.
This was written for the:
-Apprentice Competition, Round 2 (Word prompt: immortal, Dialogue prompt: "If I had the chance...", Quote prompt: "Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can." - Nicholas Sparks, Pairing prompt: Remus/Sirius, Genre prompt: Drama)
-Pairing Set Bootcamp Challenge, Remus/Sirius
-Gift-Giving Extravanganza, dancing days (wolfstar)
-Popular Song Competition, Gotye-Somebody That I Used To Know
-HP Potions Competition, Wolfsbane
-Legendary Creatures Competition, Kobalos
-Weasley-Potter-Prewett Category Challenge, Percy Weasley
-Fantastic Beasts Challenge, Werewolf
-As Strong As We Are United Competition, Version 2 (sun)
This author is poor. This author is nice. You like this author. This is not an attempt at hypnotism (unless it's working, in which case it totally is).
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