I would like to thank Nefarious Seraph 13, who has provided me the idea for this story. Without her, this wouldn't be possible.
For J, who I have looked up to for the last five years—you have influenced me in ways I cannot even begin to explain. More Than Human continues to be the One That Started It All, and even though whatever I make now won't be able to hold a candle to it, you push me to at least try. So, thank you.
Here's to trying.
RECOVER
chapter 1
by Pseudonym P
The warning bell resounded along the hallways of the University of Burgess as a sharp but welcome trill, signaling the end of the last period for those lucky souls who had no class after six in the evening.
One of those lucky souls was Elsa.
"All right, class—that's it for today," announced the middle-aged man from the front of the room, and the once-quiet classroom erupted into a sea murmurs. "Remember to read up on cyclohexanes! There may or may not be a quiz for this next meeting. You may go."
The students rose from their seats, chairs screeching along the floorboards and conversations finally bursting to life. They filed out of the classroom with rehearsed precision, trickling out of the room one by one.
Neatly tucking away her laptop and papers from her last class, Elsa zipped up her bag and slung it over one shoulder. One of her classmates called to say goodbye and Elsa gave a polite wave of her hand in return, and followed the rest of her classmates who walked out of the room into the courtyard.
The walk to the in-campus dormitories bathed Elsa in warm afternoon sunlight. The rest of the occupants on the courtyard enjoyed the freedom that the four walls of a classroom tended to stifle, a plethora of noises and activities bringing a rainbow of students out to enjoy the remaining sun, which was slowly going down the horizon. Elsa stood off to the side on the paved walkway and tried not to bump into anyone as she walked.
Her phone vibrated in her jeans pocket, and Elsa pulled it out. Thee screen displayed a new message.
From: Anna
Hey Elsa! Are u done wt class?
Elsa swiftly typed back a reply, fingers grazing the buttons of her outdated phone. She really should get it replaced, but she honestly didn't care as long as it worked.
To: Anna
Yes, I'm done. On my way back to the dormitories.
The reply was almost instantaneous.
From: Anna
Ok. Don't forget to drink ur meds. :-) Imy, see u on Saturday! Ily!
Elsa sighed. She typed back a quick Miss and love you, too and slipped her phone back into her pocket. Anna had just reminded her that she was running out of her meds.
Turning on her heel, Elsa crossed the courtyard and headed in the direction of the campus bus stop.
Elsa stepped into the small drugstore in the small town of Burgess. The place was a bland white, but the shelves were filled with rows upon rows of colorful medicine bottles. She approached the counter and was greeted by a familiar friendly face.
"Hello, Tracy," Elsa greeted politely, and the brunette at the counter smiled warmly.
"Hey, Elsa! Here to pick up your meds?" Tracy asked conversationally, already walking to one of the shelves and plucking out a box. Elsa dropped by the place so many times in the past three years that every employee knew her by name, face and medication.
Elsa nodded and smile slightly. "Yes, please. Thank you."
Tracy expertly pressed buttons at the register as she rung up Elsa's purchase. The blonde kept quiet throughout the ordeal, thankful that Tracy was a kind soul that understood her predicament. She paid without a word.
"Here you go, Elsa," Tracy said amiably, handing over a brown paper sleeve with a thin box inside, which Elsa took gratefully. "Take care and come again!" Elsa nodded again and turned on her heel, walking out of the store.
She pushed open the door to the drugstore and walked out, the fresh air brought along by spring settling over her like a comfortable blanket. The sky was darkening to a rich, deep blue and the bright white lights of the shop behind her shone past the glass windows and onto the pavement of the sidewalk.
The walk to the bus station was a good ten minutes from the drugstore, so with her hands in her pockets and scarf snug around her neck, Elsa carefully pocketed her medication and hurried her way back before night could fully take over.
When Elsa walked into the room, her roommate stared at her pointedly, one hand holding a compact mirror and another one pointing a tube of lipstick in Elsa's direction. "Have you been eating my Pop Tarts?"
Elsa blinked, bemused. "Excuse me?"
The green-eyed girl sighed dramatically, waving her lipstick around. "I can't find my smores Pop Tarts."
Elsa gave a wry grin. "Maybe you finished them already."
Idina seemed to ponder upon this before shrugging. "Perhaps." Elsa shed her coat and a placed her bag and keys on her desk, and moved to her closet to change into comfortable clothes. "Where'd you come from?"
Elsa slipped off her shoes. "I had to by meds from the drugstore in town."
"You went to town? Darn, should've asked you to buy Pop Tarts."
Elsa giggled. "Next time."
"Anyway, I'm heading out tonight," Idina declared, smacking her bright red lips as she put away her make-up.
"I can see that," Elsa quipped.
Idina ignored the remark. "Will you be okay here by yourself?"
Idina was a kind and understanding person—they got along really well, which said something more about Idina than it did of Elsa. The latter nodded, a smile on her pressed lips, while Idina put on her coat.
Idina was a theater major, and was highly sociable and fun-loving. Unlike Elsa, who preferred to stay indoors and alone, Idina was almost always out and about and surrounded by people. Thankfully, Idina understood Elsa's need to be alone and away from people—especially after a really extensive talk when Idina found Elsa's packet of Xanax.
Two years of rooming together, Elsa really couldn't ask for anyone else—and to a point, it could be taken quite literally. If she lived with anyone else, she had to do the whole life-story thing again. She would have to explain her meds and what procedures to be taken if anything bad happened. And what if they weren't as nice as Idina? Elsa didn't even want to think about it.
"I will," said Elsa. "Are you buying Pop Tarts?"
Idina paused in the middle of fixing her purse. "That's brilliant. I'm gonna go get some."
"Have fun," Elsa said sincerely, and Idina just gave her a dazzling performer's smile and flipped her dark hair over her shoulder.
"I will. See you tomorrow!" And with that, she waltzed out of the room. When the door clicked, Elsa flung herself on her bed and took a deep breath. The wall clock above the door to their room read 9:18. She picked up her phone from its spot on her nightstand and checked her to-do list.
Late February meant the beginning of midterms preparation, and Elsa sighed. Sometimes, she got sick of studying, but it's not like she had anything else to do. Maybe if she had friends—or even acquaintances, really—she'd lead a more interesting life. But she didn't.
Her phone started buzzing and Elsa fished it out of her pocket. The screen was dark and the name Anna blinked repeatedly on the screen. Elsa pressed the green button and picked up the call.
"Hello?"
Anna's voice came through the line."Hey, Elsa! Sorry, were you sleeping? I didn't want to call, just in case you were, so I'm sorry if you were—"
"I wasn't sleeping, Anna, it's okay." Elsa rolled over to lie on her back. "And it's only nine. Who sleeps at nine?"
Elsa heard a sigh of relief. "Oh, that's good. Anyway, how are you?"
"I'm okay. Midterms season is coming up, so I have quite a bit on my hands. You?"
"It's project-dropping season, meaning they basically just tell us when Hell's gates open up."
Elsa snickered. "Ah, I remember that. Hated that, too."
"Right. Oh, Elsa, I have something to tell you—I met a boy!"
The blonde tensed. "Excuse me?"
"I met a boy, Elsa! He's very handsome and sweet—his name is Hans, and he's in my social studies class! We're partners for a project, due in a month."
Anna had mentioned other boys before, but never with interest. The thought of this one spending copious amounts of time with her sister made Elsa's heart race with worry. "Anna, that's—"
"He said he couldn't imagine being partnered with anyone else! He's so sweet, Elsa. He said I was smart and pretty and we're definitely going to get an A!"
Elsa nearly moaned with disgust. Really? You fell for that? "Well, as long as it's for a project—"
"I hope we become more than friends, Elsa," Anna said dreamily and Elsa swallowed.
"Anna, you only just met." Elsa sat up abruptly, feeling herself break out into cold sweat and trembling hands. "Don't trust him so easily! Are you really—"
"Elsa, calm down," Anna said, half-playful and half-serious, completely unaware of her sister's rapidly rising anxiety. "I'm not saying I'm going to marry him. I just want to get to know him." A pause. "And then maybe marry him."
"Anna!" cried Elsa, and her brain went ahead and threw images at her. Images of her sister crying and sobbing and downright miserable. Thoughts raced through Elsa's mind—Anna was probably half in love with the boy, without thinking it through; what if Anna—what if he forces her sister into something she—
Warning bells were going off in Elsa's head, and her lungs felt like they were going to collapse. Anna was saying something else now, but Elsa's hands were trembling so hard that she dropped her phone. Her breaths started coming in short, hurried gasps, and she reached and pulled out the drawer to her nightstand with such a force that it was dislodged, strewing a mess on the dorm room floor. Her fingers struggled to pick up a familiarly wrinkled brown bag that flew from the drawer and landed a ways away from her bed, nails barely brushing the edges.
"Elsa? Elsa, are you listening to me?"
Elsa dove forward and grabbed the bag. She forced it to her face, breathing in and out as calmly as she could, curled up on the floor. Tears streamed down her face as she willed herself to relax, taking deep breaths and trying to calm her pounding chest.
"Elsa! Elsa, answer me!"
Elsa couldn't decipher the time—it may have been minutes, maybe hours that she was on that floor, wishing for normalcy. But after some time, she pushed herself up and sluggishly fixed her messed up drawer and put it back on her nightstand. On her bed, a messaged blinked from the screen.
From: Anna
I am so sorry, Elsa :-( Please be ok. Wishing for u to get better this 11:11. I love u.
Elsa dragged her eyes to look at the wall clock, tired beyond belief. It read 11:18.
She climbed into bed and forced herself to sleep with a tear-stained face and a heavy heart.
Idina woke her up the next morning.
"Hey, you okay?" she asked, voice laced with concern. "You missed your first class." Elsa pushed herself to sit and rubbed her eyes, which were puffy from crying.
"Yeah," Elsa croaked, the words sliding thick out of her throat. "I just… had an episode."
Idina's eyes widened and she sputtered. "Last night?! Oh my God, are you okay? I should have been here last night, at least to even get you water or—"
Elsa shook her head and raised a hand to stop her friend. "It's okay, I handled it." Idina's face was still contorted with worry, so Elsa changed the subject after she took a moment to fully wake herself up. "What time did you get back last night?"
"Past midnight." Idina sighed and pointed to Elsa's desk. "I got you a honey donut and some decaf on my coffee run this morning." Elsa frowned.
"Decaf?" Elsa said distastefully, trying to lighten the mood. Idina rolled her eyes. The dark-haired woman crossed the room in a few strides and put on a cardigan.
"You know, I vaguely recall a lecture that brought up something about people with anxiety disorders and how they should stay away form caffeine."
"College students need caffeine to function, you know."
"But then there's you," Idina continued, rolling right over Elsa's comments, "Having chocolates and coffee, like it's a lovely day."
"It is a lovely day," Elsa contested, and Idina rolled her eyes.
"You know what I mean." The dark-haired girl picked up her bag and keys. "I'm gonna go ahead. My next class is in fifteen."
"What's your class?"
"Introduction to Opera," Idina sang, making Elsa chuckle. "See you later, Elsa. Oh, yeah—help yourself some Pop Tarts, just don't finish it. And cut back on the coffee!"
Elsa rolled her eyes. "Bye," the blonde said with a yawn. Stepping out of the room, Idina closed the door and left Elsa alone in her wake.
The wall clock showed that it was a little after ten, which meant that Elsa missed her nine AM class. Her next class was at 12, so she should start getting ready.
A thud resounded on the floor when she got off her bed, and she picked up her phone. A string of text messages awaited her, all from the same person.
From: Anna
Good morning Elsa! Please answer me when u get this text :-)
From: Anna
Hi Elsa! Are u ok? Pls answer :-(
From: Anna
What happened last night? Did u get hurt? I'm really sorry, I hope ur ok :-(
From: Anna
If u dont want me to talk to Hans, its ok. Just say the word and I'll do it.
Elsa sighed and replied, fingers ghosting over the buttons.
To: Anna
I'm fine. And I honestly can't tell you what to do, Anna. That's entirely up to you.
The blonde girl picked up her shower necessities and marched to the bathroom, staring at the ground all the while. Unfortunately for her, her dormitory was co-ed, but she was grateful everyday that she lived on the all-girls floor—no awkward run-ins with the opposite sex.
Her shower gave her what not a wink of her sleep last night didn't—relief and relaxation. The lukewarm water was soothing against her skin, purging her of last night's distress. After a quick brush of her teeth, she marched back into her room like a walking cloud, wrapped in her fluffy white bathrobe and a towel on her head.
Still looking like a Japanese Spitz, Elsa gratefully munched on the breakfast her roommate so graciously provided for her, not for the first time. Idina really was a nice girl underneath all that sass and spunk.
Chewing thoughtfully on her doughnut, she fished her packet of Xanax out of her purse and sat down on her bed, legs crossed underneath her. She popped the foil top of one of the plastic pockets and rolled the peach-colored pill in her hands, staring at it blankly.
Elsa couldn't remember what life was like before anti-depressants. She had a vague recollection of it—everything was happier, more vibrant and colorful compared to the dull muted shades of what once was that seemed to decorate her vision.
Elsa supposed it started the moment she could divide her current life into two phases—pre-Accident and after-Accident.
Pre-Accident was a happy family of four with her, Anna, and their parents. Pre-Accident was living in Arendell in their house, with their dog Marshmallow. Pre-Accident was Elsa's friends and Anna's playmates. Pre-Accident was Mother's Day and Father's Day.
And then there was the Accident.
The Accident was a ride home from something Elsa couldn't even remember anymore. She doesn't remember much about the accident, come to think of it—just her and her parents in the car, screaming and fire and blood and helplessness and glass and pain and blood, so much blood, and then staring into the bright white lights of a hospital, pale-faced and stiff and horrified.
She slipped into shock, was what the doctors said. It took her two full days to recover, even just slightly.
Barely brushing the age of eighteen—was it a week or two before the accident that she celebrated her birthday?—she thought that her life would finally begin; college and boys and friends and all these new things that she was beyond thrilled to try. She was an adult now—she could do whatever she wanted!
But Elsa was catapulted into a nightmare. Old enough to serve as Anna's legal guardian, old enough to explain to her fourteen-year-old sister that their parents were dead, old enough to sign papers upon papers upon papers of things that her aunt Jennifer and uncle Chris had to explain to her.
Old enough to prepare a funeral service for her parents.
The first few months after the Accident had Elsa waking up and screaming from nightmares she couldn't remember come morning. Time and time again, she broke out into sobs without warning. It was several times worse than a nightmare; especially when she accidentally hit Anna across the face during one of her panic attacks. Elsa choked on her guilt and begged her aunt and uncle to let her see a professional.
Elsa was—and still continued to be—more than grateful for her aunt and uncle. They helped her through everything. They served as her and Anna's guardians, taking them under their wing and giving them a home and an education. They supported them—at least, Elsa promised to herself, until she could stand on her own to feet and provide for Anna.
Her aunt and uncle agreed to sign her up for sessions with a therapist but they didn't last long—at the time, she was starting college soon, and she couldn't push that back. But it was long enough for them to give her a prescription of anti-depressants and some procedures to implement if she has episodes.
Long enough to diagnose her with posttraumatic stress disorder.
When Elsa entered the University of Burgess as a freshman, the only thing she did was to lock herself up in her dorm room and study. She threw herself into her schoolwork, quickly shooting down any attempt of social interaction. The only person who ever got her to talk, really, was Idina. And that was when she found Elsa's packet of Xanax.
Elsa stared at the tiny pill blankly before snapping out of her reverie to look at the wall clock. 11:32. She got up and snatched the cup of decaf from her desk and swallowed the pill before gulping large amounts of decaf (Elsa grimaced) coffee.
She'd better head to class before she was late.
Today was a particularly long school day, and Elsa was just glad it was over.
Slipping out of her philosophy class with practiced ease, the blonde walked the familiar route from the classrooms building to the West Library. The mid-afternoon sun was bright in the sky, and rays that escaped the covered rooftops and walls ran over her skin with comfortable warmth.
Elsa rounded the corner that would take her up the marble steps to the university library. She stopped, eyebrows raised at the yellow plastic chains wrapping around the entire front of the stairs. A giant sign hung from the closed doors of the library.
THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED FOR REPAIR, it read, SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.
Elsa looked around—the area was deserted, except for her and a janitor close by. She immediately kept walking.
Where to now? She asked, biting her lip and fidgeting. The study halls in the other UB libraries that were usually designated for group meetings were always full of students, and her dorm room had her bed. She weighed her options before pulling out her phone.
To: Idina
Where else can I study in school? West is closed. Sorry for bothering you.
Elsa pressed SEND and almost instantaneously, her screen darkened flashing an Idina. She picked up.
"Hello?"
"The library's closed!" Idina all but shouted into the phone, making Elsa wince and pull the phone away. "They busted a pipe and a third of the place is, like, drenched."
"Oh, really? I didn't get the memo," Elsa remarked dryly. Pun unintended. "Well, they still have the digital copies, so that'll work."
"Try the Warren." Idina's voice crackled through the earpiece, along with the noises of several others. Elsa guessed she was with friends.
"Excuse me?" Elsa adjusted the phone against her ear. "I can't hear you."
"Try—wait a sec." Several 'excuse me's, 'watch where you're going's and more than a few giggles later, Idina's voice came through much more smoothly. "Can you hear me now?"
Elsa nodded, and then realized that Idina couldn't see her. "Yeah, better."
"Okay. Anyway, Try the Warren. It's like a shake shack kind of place. They have good smoothies."
"Okay, but is there a place that offers coffee?"
Idina scoffed on the other end. "You're really bad at this dealing with PTSD thing."
Elsa rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Where's the Warren?"
"It's on the second floor of the Easter Complex."
Elsa grimaced. "But isn't that place noisy?"
"You can try the in-campus coffee place, then. It's called Old Willam." Elsa giggled.
"Old William?" Elsa asked incredulously. "Is there a New William?"
"Hey—that's where I get your decaf. It's in Joyce Hall. But it's usually full."
Elsa considered. "It's worth a shot. Thanks, Idina."
"No problem. See you later!" A beep signaled the end of the conversation, and Elsa walked off in the direction of Old William. The walk was short, thankfully, and when Elsa rounded the corner—
She stopped dead in her tracks.
Old William was so full. Actually, it was beyond full—it was practically bursting at the seams.
Elsa stared through the glass walls helplessly, almost cringing at the surplus of university students cramped in such a tiny space. Just looking at the amount of people made her want to curl into a ball and cry.
Deftly walking away, Elsa checked her watch. It was still early—just a little past four, so she still had time to look. She could go outside campus, but that was a twenty-minute bus ride away, and she wasn't sure if she could find anything there. Elsa paused, turning back to the more-than-crowded coffee shop.
Imagining herself trying to fit into a teensy space between any of those people made her skin scrawl and sent her heart racing. She turned away and squeezed her eyes shut, taking deep, calming breaths.
Elsa didn't spare a second thought and made her way outside the campus.
All of Elsa's aimless walking landed her into a small, cozy café with a neon sign reading Burgess Brew near the wooden door. It looked very old-fashioned—brick walls, wooden furniture and yellowed lanterns hanging from the ceiling. A big wall of glass sat at the front, perpendicular to a barely occupied wooden bar lined with cushioned stools. Relaxing acoustics played overhead and the place was warmly blanketed with the smell of freshly brewed coffee. And the place wasn't full!
Elsa's insides stirred with delight.
Walking up to the counter, she settled for pointing at a chocolate cake in the glass case and an order of a warm macchiato. Picking up her purchase, she settled on the last stool nearest to the window, farthest from anyone in the establishment.
She booted up her laptop and waited for the University of Burgess Library to load, taking small comforting sips of her coffee. Her blue eyes drifted towards the late afternoon sky, taking in the light pinks and oranges and baby blues.
She observed the people that passed by, sometimes envying them for their normalcy. Elsa watched people hanging out with their friends or family, carrying boxes of treats, even the ones screaming at their phones as they walked. She envied the angry ones the most—they had an outlet to pour out all the frustration they felt.
Elsa wished she was that lucky.
She was abruptly pulled from her thoughts when a small blonde girl started knocking on the glass window in front of her. The little girl was saying something, but her voice was muffled through the glass. She looked down at the grinning child, and she gave a small smile in return.
The girl was suddenly pulled away, and she looked up to see a pale-haired boy about her age, raising a hand with his face twisted in apology. Elsa just nodded with her lips pressed together in a tight smile and watched as the smaller girl jumped up and down with her arms raised.
The boy laughed and picked up the little girl, bouncing her in his arms for a little, before flashing Elsa another apologetic grin and walking off to the pedestrian lane. Elsa watched his retreating back until he vanished into the sea of pedestrians.
Elsa turned back and found the UB Library page fully loaded.
It was nearing ten in the evening when Elsa got back to her dorm room.
"Hey," Elsa greeted when she entered their dorm room, closing the door behind her. She had one hand wrapped around a paper bag. Idina gave a wave, not taking her eyes off the screen of her laptop. "I got you a sandwich."
Idina tapped something on her keyboard. "What?"
"I got you a sandwich. Have you eaten?"
Idina shook her head and made grabby hands for the sandwich, and Elsa gingerly tossed the paper bag at her roommate. "Thanks." She took it gratefully and tapped something on her keyboard again, completely engrossed in her laptop screen once more.
After Elsa checked her phone, shed her coat and placed her things on her table, Idina yanked out her ear buds and gave a frustrated groan. "I hate this stupid show. They keep killing off people for no damn reason! I don't freaking get it."
"Why do you still watch it, then?" asked Elsa, pulling out her notebook from her bag.
"Because I don't want to study," Idina answered smoothly. Elsa merely smiled and climbed onto her bed, opening her notes. "Midterms?"
"Yes," Elsa answered.
"Thank God theater doesn't have written midterms." Elsa stuck her tongue out at her roommate while the latter pulled out and unwrapped her sandwich. "Where'd you go?"
"I went into town. I found a coffee shop that didn't look like it was going to blow up because of all the people, unlike Old William." Elsa's nose wrinkled at the name. "Anyway, I managed to get in some studying time a while ago—probably four hours."
"And you're still going to study?" Idina said disbelievingly.
"I've got a hot date with Adler," Elsa jested lightly, and the dark-haired girl groaned again.
"Did you know that I hated my psychology class? Way too many people to remember. Like, every theory is attached to someone. What's up with that?" Idina shook her head. "I don't know how you put up with it."
Elsa just smiled. "It's my major; I kind of have to." The dark-haired girl took a bite of her sandwich and spoke with a full mouth.
"Whatever. I'm gonna go watch more people die."
Elsa wanted to point out that watching people die isn't exactly the most entertaining of things—she should know, she lived through it—but instead she fished out her Xanax and a bottle of water from her purse and fingered the frayed foil caps. Her phone vibrated.
From: Anna
Ok. Thank u Elsa :-) Good night and ily
Without a second thought, Elsa popped the flat foil cap and swallowed one pill. She lied down and closed her eyes, trying to suppress her accelerating heartbeat.
to be continued