Title: His Sanity's Heartbeat
Summary: In the midst of war, there's only one thing that can keep Harry Potter sane.
Pairings: Draco/Harry
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: You know the drill; I don't own Harry Potter or anything. Nor do I own Skillet or the song.
Author's note: Songfic (probably loosely) based on 'Better Than Drugs' – Skillet. I haven't posted anything in quite a while (though I am working on quite a few things, but they're going nowhere) so I'm going to write this in one night, and post it, because you guys deserve some of my shitty work. I hope you enjoy it.
Feel your every heartbeat
Feel you on these empty nights
Calm the ache, stop the shakes
You clear my mind
You're my escape
From this messed up place
'Cause you let me forget
You numb my pain
Harry Potter curled into the other boy's side like a cat. He tucked his knees under his chin and wrapped his arms around the other's waist just breathed. It was the only time he could breathe properly, freely, without a huge weight on his chest, when he was with Draco. Not many words were exchanged – "How are you feeling?"-s and "Are you still awake, Scarhead?" – but they didn't need words. With them, it had always been arguments and shouting, but now all they needed was each other, together. Harry just sat and breathed Draco in, and Draco sat and comforted.
Harry closed his eyes, a small smile on his face. He was so tired – the prospect of the upcoming battle was draining his both physically and mentally – and the slow, steady badum-dum, badum-dum of the blonde's heart was lulling him to sleep. He felt himself be shaken gently, felt Draco's quiet laugh in his hair.
"Come on, Harry, don't fall asleep on me here. Last time, my neck hurt for three days."
"You didn't have to fall asleep with me. You could have left." Harry was eternally grateful he had stayed, however. If he had woken up on his own, at the top of the Astronomy Tower, he might have pitched himself off of it. He wouldn't've been able to help it; he'd have panicked. When he's on his own, when he's not with Draco, he panics. He didn't know when it started, when he started relying on Draco Malfoy, of all people, to keep him sane. He couldn't remember much, besides being overwhelmed by the enormity of everything he has and is yet to face, and everything fading away, all the aches and pains, when he was wrapped in Malfoy. Even thinking about it, about the inevitable war he had no choice but to win, made his body tremor.
It was then, when he would start shaking delicately but incessantly, that Draco would hold him closer and whisper into his hair that he was fine, he wasn't alone, he was safe. Draco would whisper away his troubles until the swirling clouds of panic swirling inside him evaporated.
"I'm not going to leave you," he heard Draco say, his voice quiet but firm. Harry knew he was telling the truth.
Despite this, he still frowned. He and Draco didn't talk much. It was all just comforting touches and whispers, nothing substantial, nothing incredibly deep…
How can I tell you just all that you are, and what you do to me?
…
…
Feel you when I'm restless
Feel you when I cannot cope
You're my addiction, my prescription, my antidote
You kill the poison
Ease the suffering
Calm the rage when I'm afraid
To feel again
-
Harry lay in his bed, curtains drawn back so he could see out of the window. It was a clear night, thousands of pinpricks pierced the blackness. The moon must have been the other side of the castle; Harry couldn't see it. Once upon a time, the night sky would have comforted him, all that empty space that was yet to be explored. The thousands upon thousands of miles between him and the closest star he could see somehow made him calm. When he thought about the universe and how big he was in comparison, all of his troubles seemed tiny, and he felt as though he could relax. Now, however, the stars teased him, dancing in his vision, made him dizzy and made his skin itch. The darkness made him think of The End, the inevitable darkness at the end of any war. He didn't know if he'd still be alive by his next birthday. He wanted to scream.
He wanted Draco.
They'd spent so much time together recently, over the Christmas holidays; Harry missed him more than ever now they couldn't be together. He could feel him, though. It was like a phantom itch, or contagious yawns; he thought about the blond, and he could feel him, his arms around him, his breath in his hair, but as soon as he opened his eyes, his heart sank and he began to became overwhelmed again.
Breathing heavily, he sat up, cast a low Lumos, and pulled the Map out from under his pillow. Opening it and activating it, his eyes searched for his name. It was there, where they always met.
He felt himself calm considerable, after even just seeing his name on a piece of parchment. He knew it was ridiculous, and he had no idea why Draco agreed to comfort him to begin with; it just happened. He couldn't recall why or how or when, but he started crumbling on his own. Even Ron and Hermione couldn't keep him together.
He quickly dressed, grabbed his Invisibility cloak and ran as fast and as quietly as he could.
A few minutes later he was breathing heavily in Draco's arms. He had stopped on his way, mesmerised by the pinpricks again, and he had felt a panic attack clawing at his throat and felt his mind being pulled apart like a fraying sleeve.
"I don't know if I can do this. I can't do it! I… I don't… I can't… Draco, I just can't!"
"Shh, Harry, it's okay! Calm down, calm down. You don't have to do anything. You're safe here, with me. You're safe, Harry!"
With every caress and gentle whisper and comfort, Harry calmed and relaxed. It was as though he'd become addicted to his touch, to his voice, to his presence like it was a drug. When it was taken away, when his brain was starved, he fell apart. The absence, the panic, was like a poison that made him want to rip his skin off like peeling an orange. It turned his mind into a hurricane, swirling and raging and creating havoc. It made him wary and scared. But when he was with Draco, everything became smaller. He managed to relax and he managed to sleep without trouble. Draco calmed his nerves and his anxieties and sucked the venom from his soul with just a few words and a steady heart.
Harry buried his face in the warmth of Draco's neck. He could feel tears welling in his eyes, and he desperately tried to fight them back. Draco had seen him cry, before, of course – you couldn't be as fucked up as Harry was and not cry – but he didn't like crying.
"Harry, look at me," Draco whispered, stepping back a little and putting two fingers under Harry's chin. "Don't cry, Harry. I'll keep you safe. I'm here." He rested his forehead against the dark-haired boy's, holding back his own tears. He hated seeing Harry like this, this broken shell of a man, scared and vulnerable.
Draco stared into those emerald eyes, as familiar as his own now, and swallowed. He and Harry didn't talk about much, they certainly never talked about the war, but Draco needed Harry as much as Harry needed Draco…
How can I tell you just all that you are, and what you do to me?
…
…
Feel your every heartbeat,
Feel you on these empty nights
You're the strength of my life.
They lay together, wrapped in each other, Harry's head on Draco's chest, eyes closed, though he wasn't sleeping. "No one's told me what to do," he whispered into the darkness.
"Nobody knows."
"How am I meant to win if I don't know what I'm doing?"
"You'll win, Harry. I'll help you, everyone will help you."
"I feel like I'm falling apart."
"Harry," Draco whispered, voice cracking on that one word. All of his worry and sadness and fears were exposed in that one word.
Harry didn't say anything more, just lay and listened to the sound of his sanity's heartbeat. He didn't know if he could defeat Voldemort, but in that moment, he didn't care. Draco would keep him safe.
Draco always kept him safe.
A/N – I'm sorry if it's awful. It's possibly repetitive and makes no sense, but I felt as though I needed to write something and actually finish it. So I hoped you enjoyed. If you could spare a few seconds to review, I'd be grateful.
ChaseAwayMyFears.