I could hardly believe it when she let me near her.
I could hardly believe many things—not the least of all being that she was that: she.
At times I thought I might have known, but it was never enough to convince myself in any way. She was so good at being terribly mysterious, but it was not to peak any of our interests—it was to keep us all at arm's length.
Yet for whatever reason she had lowered her arm to me and allowed me past a barrier I thought would never come down, much less to me.
She no longer grew angry at me for looking at her—which I suppose was in a way that was different from what she was used to, if her bristling before was any clue. But at some point it seemed as if she had not only accepted my curiosity, but even relished it.
What had scarred her so deeply? I wondered. What had broken her soul to such a depth that my admiration had angered her because she was unable to understand?
And when she opened herself to me, it finally pained me to see such a beautiful thing so crippled, so wrapped in an agonizing struggle that she wanted no part of but had no chance to avoid. It was all she knew.
The closer we grew, the more of her softness she showed me—the tenderness I suspected had lay beneath her surface—and how she feared it, because it was all that the world had tried to destroy, to grind out of her completely.
She told me once that she wanted meaning. She wanted a purpose, other than existing only to harm. But this was not how she lived. She did not believe in deeper meanings.
But I could tell she wanted so desperately to be proven wrong.
That day I told her we all want meaning. We all want a reason for our lives to be meaningful, to know that we don't exist simply to die and never matter to anyone. We want to mean something to at least one person.
And after a moment of consideration, I told her that she was meaningful to me.
—.—
I understood her nature, but I did not understand it so well as when she touched me and let me in.
She was in such pain because of her duality. More clearly than ever I knew this as I lifted my helmet to bear her the same truth as she had offered me, and her lips grazed my cheek—her tendency to be so soft and warm, but just as cruel and cold. Both woman and man, delicate and rough, nurturing and unforgiving.
I felt both her scarred and supple skin against my hands and I knew that I loved her.
—.—
I knew that she was thinking about more than a kiss between us. I knew because she looked terrified.
She had never fully explained her past to me, but she had commented enough on it for me to understand the severity of what it had done to her—what her sex had done, how it had been turned against her. Her captivity and her helplessness.
I did not want to see her turn this fear toward me. I knew where fear led: to pain—to hatred. I could never live with myself if I tried to become closer to her while seeing such fear in her eyes, and so when I saw it, I pulled away from her.
It was something that she needed to fight with herself, and I could not do it for her. I would only work to estrange her if I tried.
I would wait as long as it took to see that fear dissipate, no matter how much I wanted her—how much I yearned for it.
And as her touches became gradually less inhibited, her confidence in herself did as well, as I assured her every unsure thought.
I could see her struggling to trust me—not just with her body, but with her hope. She wanted to believe that I could make things well—I, in turn, was afraid of letting her down. But I couldn't bear to let her go for that fear, to see that spark disappear from her because she had again been abandoned. Perhaps even if I let her down it would be better than never having touched her spirit at all—perhaps she would forgive me and she would live on, finding something that did fulfill her.
It hurt, but I could not stop myself.
And eventually, when she stopped struggling, when she let me see and touch and taste and have her, I understood why.
Author's Note: I thought, what would it be like if Mukuro and Kirin had a relationship? So I wrote about it. I suppose the ending of this is up to you to decide - whether it ends tragically for him or they stay together. Also, Kirin really needs to be added to the character list like I requested ages ago, lol.