Round 1 - Introductions
Other Note: This show (ours, not the original) first aired LIVE at the Kudou Yohji Slash Competition at Kuwabara no Miko's Weiss Kruez Page
Warning/Note: Insanity reigns as usual, but at least this one is humorous on its own. Mildly, anyway. I blame Crysi for that.
The sun shines cheerily over the Dueling arena of Ohtori Academy. "The Sunlit Garden" plays in the background as the camera pans over the audience.
Stoic bishounen and genki fangirls sit on the outer ring of the arena and on the various bell towers. The fangrils cheerily show off their complimentary sporks and plushies as the bishounen sweatdrop at the squeals of "Ken-samaaaaa!" and "3x4 is absolutely *sweet* but I really like 1x2 as a visual thing." There is also a marked sense of unease in the seated bishounen.
The two guests of honor sit at the front of the audience, surrounded by bishounen, much to their discomfort. The bishounen's discomfort, we mean. Kuwabara no Miko and Talya Firedancer cheerfully (or not so cheerfully, since we have no real way of gauging their moods) wave to the rest of the audience, who have been informed that these two are the guests of honor because the fic is for their slash contest, and what's a humorous fic to do but to unabashedly suck up to the originators of the Anime Newlyweds fics. (That would be Talya, for those who are wondering. Most aren't and have skipped this as they skip those warnings on yaoi pages. They are the ones who hit the enter button and end up on the Disney website.)
From the shadows offstage, two Voices From Above (TM) are heard.
Voice One: "I still can't believe I let you talk me into this."
Voice Two: "Oh come on, you went along with the idea happily enough." There's a slight pause. "The bishounen look scared for some reason. You know, I *told* you that they'd heard about the Harry Potter thing, but would you listen? Nooooo."
Voice One: "That was *your* fault. *You* came up with it."
Voice Two: "Well *I* didn't bring Voldemort into the picture!"
"HONK!"
Voice Two: "What do you mean, don't speak into the mick? Oh, you mean mi...Oh hell."
The Akio-car pulls out into the arena (from where, we do not know) and two girls jump out of the backseat. (No, you hentai people! Your minds will have plenty of time in the gutter later on! Geez.)
The taller girl has brown hair and green eyes, and can be identified as voice two. "Hi everyone! I'm Crysi and this," She gestures to the other girl, "is Kagedtiger."
Kagedtiger grins and waves her flyswatter at the audience. "Welcome to 'Crysi and Kagedtiger's Newlyweds Game (God Help Us All).' And yes, 'God Help Us All' *is* part of the title. Four lucky" she coughs, "couples will be here competing for a prize. A worthwhile prize. A fabulous prize. Crysi, what *is* the prize?"
Crysi sweatdrops. "Well, it's...ummm....We'll find *something* good, don't you worry."
A male voice calls out from backstage (somehow...) "You'd better come up with it before we start the show! *I'm* not competing for a Sailormoon CD!"
Another voice adds, "And I'm sure as hell not swimming in jello!"
Everyone turns and looks at Heero and Hiei, who sit in the audience and valiantly restain themselves from blowing things up....Well, change that to Kurama and Duo doing the restraining, and "violently" rather than "valiantly" and you've got the picture.
Crysi pipes up, "The winning couple's members are exempt from mixing and matching and torture fics for 24 hours. Unless they enjoy that. Then we'll work something out."
Soft murmuring from backstage (?!). Then, "Okay, that's good for two of the couples. Akio and Touga are on their own."
There is an admirable synchronized sweatdrop performance by the hosts and the audience.
Kagedtiger sighs. "Actually, the whole reason we're doing this is because Crysi thought that all the fanfics in the Yohji Slash Contest were too depressing, so we ought to liven things up a bit!"
*Thwack*
Kagedtiger rubs her head and glares at Crysi who is tucking her croquette mallet back into hammerspace. "OW! Well it's true!"
"Anyway, let's introduce our couples, shall we?" Crysi pulls out three cards. "The first has a personal favorite of mine, as I am (one of) his Miko(s). Let's welcome, Zoisite and Kunzite!"
The two walk out and sit one of four imported white leather couches that have appeared in the arena. Cheerful applause from the fangirls makes up for the mostly silent bishounen.
Kagedtiger peers at the next card in Crysi's hand and grins. "And now, one of my favorite yaoi non-canon couples-"
"Oh come on, it's almost completely canon," Crysi interjects.
Kagedtiger frowns thoughtfully, then nods and waves towards the backstage. "The almost-canon couple, Touga and Akio!"
Again the audience applauds as the two bishounen enter stage left and sit on the second couch. The camera focuses in on two girls (otherwise known as Karen and Becka) who are alternately drooling over Touga and cringing at the sight of Akio.
Crysi grins. "Now for my favorite Weiss Kreuz couple, and the one for whom the almost guests of honor are here." She nods to KnM and Talya Firedancer. "Yohji and Omi!"
The applause distinctly rises in volume as the two enter the spotlight and make their way to the third couch.
Crysi shuffles the cards and blinks. "There's no fourth couple. Who's our fourth couple?"
The two hosts glance at each other for a while, then Crysi says, "I'll let you take care of it while I...do some important stuff." She dashes to the Akio-car and yells "Go now! Hurry!" The car takes off like an Akio-car out of hell, leaving Kagedtiger in the dust.
There is a short silence, then Kagedtiger turns to the audience. "Permanent exemption from the 'Hunting Bishounen' series goes to whoever catches her." The audience *and* the contestants dash after the Akio-car. Kagedtiger switches the music to "Jesse Hold On" and waits for their return.
It's Kurama who carries Crysi back and sets her on the stage, much to the disappointment of those bishounen who really and truly feared what might be done to them on the next "Hunting Bishounen."
Kunzite glances up at the speakers. "What kind of music is that?"
Crysi sighs and turns to Kagedtiger. "We'll be thinking of a couple over the commercial break okay? And turn that music off. We have to get started."
Kagedtiger pouts. "But I love that song!"
"Just turn it off."
"Fine."
Crysi smiles wearily at the camera. "And now, to save our inexperienced-at-hosting butts, we have a short commercial break."
Oh God, that was hideous. Take me back.
or
Oh God, that was hideous. Let me complain to the author, or the other author, or both simultaneously.