Control

Summary: Bella muses about her realtionship with Edward. How he controls her. How she used to be and how she is now.

Warnings: OOC, controlling-Edward, I-actually-have-a-brain-and-think-for-myself-Bella

I always wondered what had happened to me. I always swore, if I ever had a boyfriend, who would treat me like a possession, rule over my life, try to control me or simply treat me like a porcelain doll, waiting for me to break at the simpilest of touches, that I would stand up and do something about it. Tell them, if they didn't pull their act together, I'd leave.

But what happened to that? What happened to the girl who stood up for herself and her beliefs? Did she like all the attention? Being doted upon like a princess? Did she like being treated like a prize possession? Was her life, her future part of a tornament now? Fight to the death for the lovely princess. May the best man win. Was my father going out into town, setting up duels, claiming the last man standing would win the fair maiden's heart and her hand in marriage? I dind't think so.

Where was her fighting spirit? Had it been crushed? Suffocated by the claustrophobic feeling of the trees weighing down on it? Had it fled the terrible nightmares it had once had?

Being treated like a possession was not what I wanted, not what I liked. I had wanted to tell him, but how? I wish he could read my mind. Experience all the things he makes me feel, the good and the bad, but no, I'm a freak who doesn't have thoughts for him to hear.

I love Edward, but he's too mothering, my own mother didn't worry about me that much.

It may have been the fear of losing me to another man, or he didn't want to leave me alone with a group of dangerous, teenage, newly turned werewolves, I thought werewolves only changed during the full moon. Or was it the fact he couldn't come with me, couldn't cross into their territory? But he had forbid, forbid really?, me from visiting La Push. I wasn't allowed to see my own bestfriend. The bestfriend I made when Edward left me, when he wasn't there. I wasn't allowed to talk to him on the phone because Edward hated him. He wasn't to come to my school, my house, we couldn't meet in the park, at the diner, in Port Angeles. Nothing, no contact with him because, ' We're two different supernatural beings, we don't get along, it's always been like that, you're with me so you're on our side, so you can't see him.' The end, full stop, final say. I'm not allowed to communicate with my best friend, because my boyfriend and him were different, or maybe because Jacob is kinda in love with me too.

But Edward does have the final say, doesn't he? Since when? Since when had my life been ruled over by a needy 110 year old vampire? when had I handed over, on a silver platter, my controls, my reigns? When I said I loved him? Love wasn't meant to be like that. I may not have been in love before, but from what I had seen, from other people around me and watching movies, I knew that mine was a bit off.

I had seen enough of those school seminars about relationships and the problems people had within them, abuse, emotional and physical, the pushing, I love you, you love me so you will do this for me, control, it's all about the control. I need to control this person, they are mine, they will do whatever I want. No, love is not like that. In love you do thing willingly and mutually, you want to do this, you tell your partner and if they agree you can do it.

I want to know when I'm going to stand up to him? When I'm going to tell him? And if he doesn't listen, I will walk away. I am strong enough. This time I will not become a zombie. Who was I then? Thinking I had to depend on a man to do anything? What happened to me? I used to depend on noone, fend for myself. I am a strong independant woman and if Edward can't see that, well he can go control someone else, Tanya would probably be into something kinky like that.

I am going to tell him that I do not like being babied, I don't like being escorted everywhere, I need personal space and time to myself. We are not attatched at the hip, he is my boyfriend not my mother, he doesn't need to know where I am 24 hours a day. He doesn't need to be there with me, everywhere I go.

I will show him, show him I am no porcelain doll, I may not be as indestructive as him but I am not going to crumble into a million pieces if I fall over. I'm not inflamable, but I'm not going to go up in flames if I accidently burn myself on the stove. It's all happened before and look at me, I've learned, do it once and you won't do it again. I don't go intentionally touching stoves, I watch where I'm walking, but if something like that does happen, I pick myself up, dust off the dirt and carry on with my life. Well I used to until I met Edward, he watches where I walk, catches me when I fall, dusts me off and doesn't let me carry on but carries me on. But I need to walk by myself, if I don't use my legs they will become useless.

Taking the courage from my musings, I ball it up and push it to every crevice of my being. I will do this, I will be strong and tell him exactly what I'm feeling.

Standing straight, my head held high, I walk out of our bedroom. Alice is standing infront of her bedroom, Jasper beside her, like he always is. Both give me encouraging smiles, Alice has see, Jasper has felt. Had Edward read what they were thinking? Alice shakes her head, she knows what I am about to ask.

Whispering a small good luck, they follow me, hand-in-hand, down the stairs. Their love is what love is supposed to be, what it truely is, what I want with Edward.

This time I'm in control.

So I don't know just something I had in my mind.
But I don't know if it's okay.
I really suck at things like this.