The world seems not the same.
I let my memories cascade down upon me like the waves of the falls. I couldn't handle it.
Though I know, nothing has changed.
Things had changed, but the rest of the world didn't seem to stop spinning long enough to care. It was ripping my heart in shreds. Clean break…heal faster, my ass!
It's all, my state of mind.
Sure, I can pretend there isn't a large, gaping, black hole inside me, consuming me bit by bit. Telling me I'm not good enough, informing me that I was not worthy.
I can't leave it all behind.
It was roughly six wonderful months. That was the happiest I had ever been. How could I try and banish that away.
Have to stand up to be stronger.
Easy, a snide voice in my head said, create your walls. That was my answer. I always had a method for blocking painful memories. This would just be like one of those times.
Have to try, to break free from the thoughts in my mind.
I didn't know what I was becoming as my exercised ensued. I continued to ignore my worthless feeling inside of me as my thoughts built barriers against…him.
Use the time that I have I can say good-bye…have to make it right.
What was right anymore? He had thought of right and wrong before leaving. But, I didn't like that definition. Not in the least.
Have to fight, 'cause I know in the end it's worthwhile.
I continued to battle with my inescapable thoughts. He haunted them profusely, and I was going to have to do something. I couldn't just let them take over me. I needed the façade that I knew someone close had.
As the pain that I feel slowly fades, oh I will be all right.
Would fronting be the best answer? It will be as if I'd never existed, that promise he was stubbornly holding true. I allowed the hole inside myself to grow, accumulate like a cancer spreading quickly through my veins and body. And though it remained a hole, it festered without vacillation.
February-hope…?
I know, should realize.
I must be crazy. Performing deathly stunts to gain that…that…angered, velvet voice, the voice I had loved and locked away. I cheated. I wanted to remember.
Time is precious, it is worthwhile.
I would remember everything about him. I had Jake to keep the nightmares away…at least for one night of the week, if not maybe two or three. But slowly I was losing Jake too; I just had the nagging feeling of it.
Despite how I feel inside, have to trust he'll be all right.
Jacob had been sick…and well, I was worried. Billy kept telling me that he was fine, but why wasn't Jake ever around. I needed my sunshine back.
Have to stand up to be stronger.
I would confront Jake. I would wait for him. He couldn't ignore me forever. Eventually he'd have to see me.
Have to try, to break free from the thoughts in my mind.
The voices were back, telling me to let him calm down. What happened if I did push Jacob over the edge? The sweetness of the voice convinced me to do as it instructed.
Use the time that I have I can say good-bye… have to make it right.
I didn't want to lose Jacob as well. Not after…no, no… I thought bitterly to myself, this time it wasn't as painful, but it would leave its own ugly mark.
Have to fight, 'cause I know in the end it's worthwhile.
I didn't fight. I didn't know what would come out of this. Only thing I knew was I was losing Jacob. My best friend, my portable sun, was no longer mine.
As the pain that I feel slowly fades, oh I will be all right.
I was accustomed to getting rid of painful memories. I had gotten over the one thing that had turned me into a zombie for months. No…I fell numb to the presence of the memory of that person. And his voice was still troubling me.
Spring Break-restoration
Oh this night is too long.
I climbed up the cliff-not literally, but still got there. My toes were feeling the sand. Adrenaline pumping through me, routing itself in my veins, I waited patiently to hear his voice. When I did, he begged me not to. He cried out my name: "No, Bella, no!"
Have no strength to go on.
I had hurled myself into the depths of the water, forgetting everything that happened to water during a storm. I couldn't get above the water. I didn't fight the current though.
No more pain, I'm floating away.
I found myself giving up. I was just watching him. I was happy to know I would drown.
Through the mist see the face of an angel who calls my name.
And he did. He told me to fight, to keeping going, to not give up. And as fate would have it, I managed to survive the cliff dive.
I remember, you're the reason I have to stay.
I looked wildly at Alice. We had to go… I had to save my angel. Jacob begged me not to, but as truly sorry as I was for Jake, nothing could've kept me from going to Italy. He needed me, even if it was to stop him from committing suicide. I was going to get to be Superman.
Have to try, to break free from the thoughts in my mind.
I continued to worry. If we didn't make it in time… I didn't want to think the outcome. Edward would not be Romeo if I had anything to say about it, though I had seemed to play Juliet.
Use the time that I have I can say good-bye…have to make it right.
I fell from the cliff. No, worse, I had jumped from the cliff. Alice saw that, reported it, Rosalie reported to Edward. Edward's confirmation had been him asking where Charlie was and Jacob replying: "He's at the funeral." This Juliet however, wasn't going to allow her Romeo to kill himself, only to figure out in the afterlife that she was fine and well and not dead.
Have to fight, 'cause I know in the end it's worthwhile.
I pushed through the crowds. I swam through the water to get to him. I slammed into his chest, but he didn't seem to really notice. He thought he was dead. I screamed at him to understand. I begged and pleaded with him not to go into the sun.
I got through.
As the pain that I feel slowly fades, oh I will be all right.
Edward always made things better. No matter what happened, everything turned right eventually with him. I knew I was safe with him. Not even Jacob could match him there.