Beth6787
January 2018
Reality Bites
A bit of a dark one. Post 'Endgame' and following on from the concept of 'Wisdom'. KJ and Mark Johnson try to rekindle their relationship. But the stresses of the DQ will not leave Kathryn in peace...
She was trapped. Drones coming at her from all four directions. Where were B'Elanna and Tuvok? Tuvok's suppressant had been wearing off and now so was hers. She could hear the incessant siren call within her mind. Getting louder. "Resistance is futile...resistance is futile...RESISTANCE IS FUTILE !"
This last was screamed out as she was shaken awake. Disorientated, it took her a moment to recognise her surroundings. Their bedroom at home in Indiana. Mark was sitting on the side of the bed holding her still.
"Kathryn? Were you back on that Borg cube...Unimatrix Zero?" She sighed and gave him an almost imperceptible nod. "Yes".
That was the fourth time this week and the second nightmare she had suffered tonight. Neither of them were getting any real rest and she had only been home for six weeks. This couldn't go on.
"I'm sorry Mark. I should never have imposed on you. You don't deserve this. I can go back to my house. Get some new furniture.."
He looked at her kindly. "Kathryn you can't expect to have experienced what you have over the last eight years without some residual stress. You are a human being, not an automaton. Even your EMH has been having adjustment issues. And he's a glorified computer program."
Kathryn looked at him "Not any more. The Doctor started out that way but, after being continually activated for seven plus years he is as complicated and yes, human, as the rest of us these days."
She could see that Mark was incredulous but he was trying to be tactful for her sake. Of course he did not fully understand. How could he? The only people who could had been out there with her : on Voyager. Actually there was only one person who had been privy to her innermost thoughts for most of that time...at night...when she had the terrors... she would give anything to know he was just the other side of the bulkhead. Only this house had no bulkheads or party walls of any sort. They were in an old detached period cottage in the middle of nowhere. It was private. Sometimes too much so. The silence...with only Mark to break it. Mark. She loved him deeply. Of that she was sure but...but she missed Chakotay. Really MISSED him in ways she could not put into words.
Of course she had heard nothing more from him after their altercation on the river bank just after they got home. She hadn't expected to. She had told him in no uncertain terms that it was over and she had chosen Mark. He would keep her safe. Except he couldn't. She couldn't conjure up his face into any of these scenarios because he had not been there. Chakotay had.
"Why don't I make us both a strong coffee and some breakfast? You've got to eat, even if you don't feel like it. You are getting dangerously thin Kathryn."
Now she felt annoyed. She was not a child and he was not her father. "Don't be melodramatic Mark. I've lost a couple of pounds at most and can soon put them back on. I'll be fine once I've had a little more time to adjust to being home. It's really nothing. Just a storm in a tea cup." With that last throwaway comment she had vivid recollections of trying to salvage her favourite teacup and saucer...in what was left of the Ready Room ...during that year they battled the Krenim and that lunatic with the ability to annihilate and re-create history on a whim. In fact, virtually any innocuous comment could set off some memory. Mostly dark ones it would seem. There had been so many nightmares : the Hirogen; the Borg; Species 8472; the Malon ; the Hierarchy; the Vidians; the Kazon she could go on and on. Seven years of fighting for their lives - day after relentless day.
If ever she had truly needed Chakotay it was now. When the demons were trapped in her head. There was nothing concrete to fight against. Just a desperate need to save her sanity. Chakotay had talked of his 'crazy gene'. She had known how afraid he had been of it but had not fully understood. Until now. He was spiritual and sought solace from his animal spirit guide. ...Perhaps she should give that a try.
When he came back into the bedroom with the coffee and toast he found Kathryn scrambling around on the floor. In front of her were some bizarre objects arranged in a pentagon shape. A stone with some tribal symbols on them, a feather from some exotic bird (he presumed), a little wood carving of some sort of...lizard? And a device that he had no knowledge what it was. "Kathryn, what are you doing?"
She mumbled something... "can't find it. Without all the objects my medicine bundle won't work..."
Medicine bundle? What on earth was going on! Kathryn Janeway was a rational scientist : there was no way she would give this nonsense a moment's consideration. At least not the Kathryn he used to know...Maybe those years out there had changed her more than he had cared to acknowledge. What he was sure of was that she needed to see a Starfleet counsellor. And urgently. He had tried broaching the idea with her after the first couple of weeks but she would not countenance it. He would try once more, but if she refused, he would approach Starfleet Medical on her behalf. He did not want to go behind her back but she needed help, before the situation deteriorated any further.
"Kathryn. You need to report this to Starfleet Medical. You know they will keep your confidence and be discreet. For all you know there may be other Voyagers experiencing similar ...difficulties...as Captain you could assist them by leading the way. Showing you are not afraid to ask for help."
That was it. She had had more than enough. "Drop it Mark. How could it possibly help my career or any of my crew for it to become common knowledge that the now infamous Captain Janeway, who outwitted the Borg, is having a few silly nightmares and thought it necessary to consult a shrink ! No. I will be just fine. I just need to give myself a little more time. That's all. This time next year all this will have been long forgotten. You'll see."
Except that they both knew she would not make it through to next year. Not if things carried on as they were...or got progressively worse. He would give it another ten days. If nothing changed and she would not seek medical help...there was one person who he knew could make all the difference. He was loathe to go there. Re-open that wound. Expose himself...and her...to his only true rival for her affections. But she needed help and probably the only person in the entire Alpha Quadrant she would open up to was Chakotay. Mark just hoped that he would be easy to track down. If the time ever came that it was necessary...
—
Ten days later...
It had been a mixed bag. For the first few nights after that incident with the 'medicine bundle' (she had not fully calmed down until she had found the lock of hair - which he strongly suspected was Chakotay's - and completed her talisman). For the first few nights she had remained calm and apparently nightmare free. Then he had found the stimulants in her bedside cabinet. She must have taken them with supper and lain awake all night next to him. Pretending to sleep soundly, in order to falsely reassure him that everything was now fine. Of course, by night six her body was saturated and the stimulants couldn't overcome her chronic exhaustion. That had been the worst. She had had five nightmares ranging from the Hirogen Nazi scenario on the holodeck to some memories implanted by a memorial they had found on an abandoned planet deep in the DQ that apparently made innocent passers-by experience the final Armageddon on that world. Over and over again. To be honest, he had had no idea just how bad her experiences had been out there. Starfleet kept ninety percent of their mission classified and invariably, all the stories made public had either happy or victorious endings. Then there was the Equinox. This was perhaps Kathryn's worst nightmare. Because she had been battling her own species. And worse, fellow Starfleet officers.
And - admit it to yourself Mark - she had been fighting her closest ally and friend - Commander Chakotay.
When those nightmares surfaced it was hardest to wake her and also the most revealing. She still loved him. Possibly far more than she consciously realised. And she needed him. Almost as much as she needed the air she breathed. In some ways they were one and the same. She would argue with him, then apparently go back to her quarters and cry her eyes out. She was afraid. Doubting herself. She relied on Chakotay's support and approval and when he withdrew it...well she was lost. Alone and deeply afraid.
And now Chakotay was lost to her. In her mind at least : permanently. She had rejected him. Sent him away. Perhaps back to the Borg girl. She no longer had his support, his advice and ultimately his love.
Mark would try and leave her to regain consciousness naturally. If she did not after an hour or so he would gently rouse her. More than once she had mistaken him for Chakotay. There had been a flash or relief and...yes, joy...then she had realised her mistake and tried to rapidly mask her disappointment. But he had seen it. And it hurt him. Agonisingly, he did empathise. That was the cruellest part. He could not blame her for needing Chakotay. Chakotay had been there for her. For eight long years when he, Mark, could not. There was no escaping that fact.
There was also no escaping what he needed to do.
"Kathryn, I need to go into the university today. I have a lot of work to catch up on so may not be home until late. Will you be okay on your own?"
She barely looked at him. "Of course I will Mark. Take as much time as you like. In fact, if you are really busy why not stay on campus overnight and finish up tomorrow. I need to give this place a good spring cleaning and the dogs both want bathing and clipping. I'll be snowed under myself." With that she looked up and gave him a half hearted smile "Go. You'll be late for your first lecture."
"If you are sure...thanks.. see you tomorrow night." And with that he pecked her on the cheek and made his way out to the hover car.
—-
Mark Johnson had appeared out of nowhere just after lunch. How he had found the location of his cabin in the woods in South Carolina he would never know. But Mark had. They had talked until late into the night. He had only just left and it was 0120 hours. They had talked non stop for almost half an Earth day. Rather Mark had. He was obviously uncomfortable and so was Chakotay. For his part, he was desperate for news of Kathryn. Any news. Being cut off from her like this, after living cheek to jowl for almost a decade, was sheer torture. Apparently it was for Kathryn too.
He had mixed feelings, which he was not proud of. Sad to hear that Kathryn was suffering too but - yes - profoundly glad that Mark Johnson could not help her - had needed to come cap-in-hand so to speak, to him. And it had cost Mark to do so. He could see the strain in his eyes. He was betraying Kathryn's trust and confidence : that Chakotay could relate to! But it was obvious how necessary that was once Mark related what had been going on. He didn't mince his words and he didn't prevaricate or redact. Even admitting that it was Chakotay's name she called out in her sleep and Chakotay's face she sought in the first moments of waking.
Chakotay was humbled and ashamed. He should have kept his promise to her. Even if she had chosen Mark as her romantic partner - without the debacle that was the Seven interlude - the two of them would now still be firm friends. It was her friend that she had had access to out there on Voyager and it was her friend she needed now. He told Mark as much. Assured him that he was more than happy to talk to Kathryn. See what he could do to persuade her she needed help. In whatever form she would accept it. And he would not try to come between Kathryn and Mark. She had made her choice. And he respected it. He told Mark about their conversation along the river bank and what Kathryn had said to him. He told Mark that Kathryn's assessment had been spot on. Chakotay had failed her, with all the blessings he had had. Her company daily for all those years. Mark had had literally nothing to hold onto bar some very out-of-date memories. But he had not faltered. Mark was the better man. Chakotay could admit it. He had failed. Let her down catastrophically. And apparently he was still doing so.
Then Mark and asked him about why he seemed to think he owed Kathryn so much on a personal level. Had he made some non-professional promise to her?
So Chakotay had taken a deep breath. Made them both some tea and relayed the "Angry Warrior" analogy to Mark. After putting it in context by relaying the events leading up to, Kathryn's 'parameters' speech. He had actually expected Mark to punch him. But the man had remained silent for a moment then offered his hand to shake. He actually THANKED Chakotay for caring so much for her and looking after Kathryn for all those years when he could not.
Chakotay had to admit to himself that he was beginning to understand what Kathryn had seen in him all along. This Mark Johnson was a remarkable man with depths of compassion and understanding that would leave most men standing. No wonder she had held on to the ghost of him for so long out there. And now she had him back. All Chakotay had to do was help her defeat her demons so she and `Mark could rebuild their lives together.
He would do his very best. He may not be such a paragon of virtue as Mr. Johnson but he loved Kathryn just as deeply and he owed her his help. Whatever that cost him.
—-
Kathryn was exhausted. She had spent the whole day on her feet. The dogs had had a six mile trek and she had resorted to carrying Molly the last mile back up the hill. She had then cleaned the house from top to bottom and it was still only 1740 hours. So she got to work on repairing the dry stone walling. The task was not so much intellectually challenging, although she had to be very careful how she angled the slates to keep them secure, as physically exhausting. They were incredibly heavy so the job was arduous and slow going. But she kept at it until it was so dusky that she could not safely see what she was doing. It was 2120 hours already.
She stood up and staggered back, almost tripping over both dogs who had been clambering up against the back door : watching her through the glass the entire time. Dogs had an excellent sense of smell and they used that to judge human moods. And they both knew something was seriously wrong with their mistress. She dragged herself over to the sink and peeled off the leather gloves she had been wearing. Not that they had helped much. Her hands were raw. She winced as she ran them under the cold water and stifled a sob when Molly padded up with a clean towel in her mouth and nudged Kathryn on the leg.
This was the scene that Chakotay was presented with when he at last made his presence known. After sleeping on all that Mark had told him and knowing that Mark would be on campus overnight, clearing the way for Chakotay to speak to Kathryn in private ...and Chakotay knew that Mark hoped he would stay in the guest room overnight, if Kathryn would let him. Perhaps he would witness what she was going through in the small hours of the morning and finally get her to break down her barriers and ask for help. It was very obvious she needed it. She was a wreck. Physically and emotionally. That was staring him in the face and it hurt him greatly to see.
He had arrived a couple of hours ago and had originally intended to just walk up to the door straight away and make his presence known. Especially after his, admittedly, creepy behaviour having been caught - literally - in the bushes by Kathryn's dog last time he had seen her. And look how that panned out!
No, this time he would just knock on the door on the pretext he wanted to repair his friendship with her. That was true enough. Only he had seen, rather heard, her down the bottom of the garden. As he had moved around the side of the house he had stopped in his tracks. On the surface, it appeared that Kathryn was attempting to rebuild a section of dry stone walling. Only very badly. That is what had made him stop in his tracks. She only had a small frame so, although normally strong for her size, this job she would not have tackled alone. Not in her right mind. She could barely move the slabs of rock, yet alone lift them. And the ones she had somehow dragged into place were a death trap waiting to land on whoever was foolish enough to go anywhere near that wall in wet or windy weather. Yet still she persisted. And she was talking to herself..?...no, at the rocks she was hauling about.
He felt guilty for his voyeurism but he had come here to help her. And to do that he needed to understand. She was arguing with the rocks who represented various adversaries from their journey. She was obviously exhausted and trying to drive her demons out. Presumably so she would not have the strength to dream or experience any more nightmares ...at least in bed. So she was trying to battle them during the day. When Mark was not about to see her.
He had told Chakotay all about Kathryn's denial that anything was wrong and her point blank refusal to see a counsellor. Chakotay had, untactfully he admitted, laughed at that. He told Mark that that was the one 'normal' behaviour of Kathryn's in this whole scenario. In the eight years he had known her, she never willingly admitted to needing help. And the worse her suffering : the more adamant she would be that 'everything is fine'.
Obviously she was terrified that this time she would not be able to get on top of the situation. To conceal it. So she had threatened Mark that if he didn't go along with her pretence that all was well she would retreat to her own house. Permanently. Chakotay was all too familiar with this too. Kathryn retreating into herself and licking her wounds. He remembered travelling through that Void and Kathryn's clinical depression manifesting itself for the first time on Voyager. She had lost control of herself and had hidden away in her quarters, shutting the rest of her world out and expecting that somehow the situation would magically fade away. Just like the stars had outside those bulkhead windows.
Only it hadn't and eventually he had had to force her to face herself. Now he had to do the same again. "Hello Kathryn."
She jumped and dropped the towel. Chakotay. How the hell had he got in here ! And now of all times ! She was well aware of the state she was in. She looked a wreck and she had been screaming and shouting at those rocks like a mad woman...oh God...just how long had he been here? One glance at his face told her. That damn, patronising pity she had seen in her quarters...when they were in that Void... Damn him. She had spent all day trying to get the nightmares of the Delta Quadrant out of her system, only to be presented with the strongest possible reminder of Voyager standing right in front of her.
She called the dogs off, who were both this time siding with Chakotay. There he was bold as brass, stroking them both, and they were lapping it up. Choosing the handsome visitor over their 'basket case' mistress. She could 't blame them seeing as she had entirely forgotten to give them their supper.
As if reading her thoughts Chakotay spoke first "Why don't you go and clean up Kathryn. I can feed the dogs and let them out for a few minutes before they settle for the night. I'm here now so I may as well make myself useful. Besides, we will both need to eat too and, as I remember, we both prefer my cooking to yours."
She was too tired to argue and besides, if she was going to deal with Chakotay tonight, she needed to look and feel in control. She needed that shower and some presentable armour. "Fine. I won't be long. The dogs' meat is in the fridge over there." She pointed to the far corner of the room next to the pantry. "Human food, what there is as I haven't had a chance to go shopping today, is over here." She waved in the other direction then did her best to walk briskly towards the stairs without wobbling. Again she failed miserably.
"Take your time. Have a bath ! It will take me at least an hour to sort out the dogs and our supper." He called after her.
Half way up the stairs she stopped and looked back. Chakotay was already busy feeding her pets and they were both making him feel very welcome. Which is more than she had done. He was - or at least he had used to be - her friend. And she felt ashamed. "Chakotay..." . He froze mid action and looked up at her " thank you..." . With that she carried on climbing and was soon out of sight.
They had exchanged a prolonged glance and he had understood. The first chink of light had seeped through that impenetrable armour of hers. It was a beginning and he was glad.
—
She came down just over an hour later. But it was not a promising start. She had made a very good job of tidying herself up. And gone way too far. Which told him much more than she would ever vocalise. She was wearing her Starfleet uniform, minus the jacket, but still... so I would have to battle my way past the great "infallible" Captain Janeway before Kathryn would deign to tell me what was truly wrong. Some habits certainly seemed to have more than their fair share of lives!
Well this was going to be a very long night and they were both as exhausted as they had been on Voyager during so many of their prolonged life-and-death struggles. At least they could get some sustenance inside them. The edible variety. He smiled at her, trying to encourage her to relax a little "Dinner is served, Kathryn" he was damned if he was going to play along with this charade as far as calling her Captain. "I suggest we stick to tea tonight. The last thing either of our bodies need is alcohol of copious amounts of caffeine. I'm feeling my advancing years even if you are not. So humour me !" He got this last in just before she had a chance to object.
Kathryn pulled out her chair and took the seat opposite him. She knew why he was here. Tonight of all nights. When Mark was - for the first time in weeks - 'unexpectedly' detained on campus until tomorrow. He had sought out Chakotay. Because she had refused to let him contact Starfleet Medical for help. She was both angry with Mark and mortified that Chakotay had seen her at her worst. Even on Voyager she had never let him see...this. But better Chakotay than the authorities. She could deal with Chakotay. She just had to convince him that this afternoon was a momentary aberration and that she was fine. Just a few minor nightmares that Mark had blown out of all proportion. ...
She thanked Chakotay for the food and took a sip of her tea. Once she felt calmer she started to talk "Chakotay. I appreciate your coming out to visit me...and ...all this" gesturing at the meal and the now washed and groomed dogs lying contentedly in their baskets by the stove. "Mark has obviously been to see you, but there was no need. I have had a few minor bad dreams. Nothing really, he just worries and he's had the house to himself for the last eight years...It's just taking a little while for us to re-adjust to how things were. I'll be fine. We'll be fine. I AM fine." There. That should do it. Then she looked up at him and fell silent.
Chakotay could imagine the look on his face. A mixture of incredulity and barely suppressed rage. "Have you said your piece? Are you quite finished?!"
She was looking a little wary but she nodded.
"Good. Then keep quiet and listen to me. Actually listen. For once in your goddamn life!"
He was shouting at her and he only realised when he saw the dogs start to cower into the corner. He took a deep breath and lowered his voice " Firstly, I would appreciate it if you could find the decency within yourself to actually be honest with me. You are not fine. Nowhere near. Perhaps you should give Mark more credit. He's a very decent man who is extremely worried about you. He came to me because he is under the mistaken impression that I can get through to you. You had begged him not to inform Starfleet, so being the honourable man that he is, he looked for another avenue. And found me."
"Chakotay..."
"Just keep quiet and hear me out. You are a mess. If you don't believe me. See for yourself." He handed her a pocket sized PADD containing a two minute video recording. As she played it back it showed her, this afternoon, ranting at the rocks. How dare he record that. She was just about to yell as much at him when he continued.
Grabbing the PADD back he pulled her chin up and made her look at him. Although it was the last thing she wanted to do. "You have two choices Kathryn. One - you talk to me. I mean REALLY talk to me or...Two - I send this footage over to Mark now and let him do with it what he sees fit. My guess is he will walk straight over to Starfleet Medical. It's only twenty minutes from his office on campus I believe?"
At that moment she couldn't remember hating Chakotay more. He was going to force her hand ! Well she would just have to be more convincing that she was really fine. "Alright. You win. But you are wasting your time. There really is nothing much to tell..."
"Really? Then the great, infallible Captain Janeway, conqueror of the Delta Quadrant is very much more lucky than the rest of us mere mortals that came back from that journey with her. Do you know how many of our former crew have needed counselling, Kathryn? Some are in such a state that they have had to spend residential periods in the psyche wards. I have personally arranged counselling for forty three of our former crew. As their First Officer the cases were initially referred to me, formally, by 'Fleet. But of course, I already knew. They were my friends and so nearly everyone had approached me personally of their own accord. Actually B'Elanna and Tom have had a very bad time of things and with the baby to adjust to as well."
He had hit home. He could see it. She had gone so pale that her face was almost blue.
"I'm so sorry... Chakotay, why didn't you come to me? I would have helped them."
"No Kathryn. You wouldn't. The last person any of them wanted to see was you. Do you know why." He hated himself when he saw the tears openly flowing down her cheeks. She just looked lost and...clueless. "Then I'll tell you. That is why." He pointed at her uniform and he could see she wasn't understanding : yet. Then he would spell it out for her.
"They were ashamed. They believed the fantasy you created for them. The great Captain Janeway copes with everything. Unscathed. She wouldn't be having nightmares. She is far too strong for that. She's always fine and takes everything in her stride. She would be ashamed of them for being so weak. She would never understand. In fact, she had already washed her hands of them. No one had seen her for weeks. No matter, at least Chakotay was there for them. Though he really could have done with some help himself. Yes, Kathryn. It's been getting to me too. I've had to cope with my demons along with most of the rest of the crew's. But there was no point in speaking to you. You had already told me to leave you well alone and besides, perhaps you really were fine."
He stopped speaking and reached across for her hand. "That was until Mark Johnson arrived at my door."
Kathryn had never felt more ashamed of herself in her life. If she thought this afternoon's little display had plumbed the depths well... Neither Chakotay or Mark had bought a word of her facade. Not for a second. And here she was. Sitting in Mark's kitchen at midnight, dressed in her Captain's uniform of all things. How could she have been so stupid. And her crew ! Suffering , unnoticed or unthought of , because she had been wrapped up in herself. What a terrible person she had become.
"Do..." she could hardly bring herself to voice it "Do the crew really think that of me? That I wouldn't understand or ...care?"
"They are afraid of disappointing you Kathryn. Hell we all are ! Even Mark and I. You never give yourself any slack and you don't allow much for those close to you either. Perhaps it's time to open up a bit. Show us Kathryn. You are no longer their commanding officer but you are their leader and their figurehead. They look to you for guidance and approval and ..." the last barely a whisper "...love."
He was right and she knew it. As Chakotay nearly always was. She got up and went over to the sink to splash her face. "Alright. We'll talk. But first I really need my coffee."
He gave her shoulder a sympathetic squeeze. "Coming right up. Go and sit on the sofa. I got the log burner going while you were in the bath.." he walked over and patted the two dogs who were still looking apprehensive. "And take these two with you. I think we've frightened them enough for one day don't you?"
Kathryn gratefully complied. Well that was a turn up for the books. She had capitulated sooner than he had expected. Especially bearing in mind what lay ahead for the next few hours. She had reacted with concern and genuine compassion when he had mentioned the crew. Perhaps that was they way to keep her barriers down...He would share some of what he had been through and also a few of the worst crew cases. Mentioning no names, of course, but she would know...from some of the stories...then he would force her to open up about herself. They were all in this together. Mark had seen it. There were some things only a Voyager could truly understand and only a fellow Voyager could help you through. Now he had to make Kathryn realise that too.
They talked. Really talked throughout the night and they were still talking as the next day dawned.
—-
As Mark opened the door that evening two very desperate Red Setters threw themselves into the yard and relieved themselves before they made it to the usual patch he had dug for them.
Where was Kathryn and why hadn't she let the dogs out? He stepped into the kitchen and threw his jacket onto the table. Then, just as he was about to call out to her, he saw them.
On the sofa with the last embers dying away in the hearth. Kathryn and Chakotay, slumped out on the sofa, fast asleep. Dead to the world and breathing deeply. No signs that they had stirred for several hours. He had not seen her this well rested since she had arrived home. Poor Chakotay was half propped up against the back and arm of the sofa and Kathryn had made herself comfortable in his lap. Her head was rested on his chest, over his heart and they had their arms firmly wrapped around each other. He guessed they must have been talking until the early hours and fallen asleep where they sat.
His decision made he crept softly upstairs.
—
An hour later the dogs were running around happily in the garden and he had the meals ready. Mark went over and gently nudged Kathryn awake. It took a moment or two and she obviously did not know where she was "Chakotay? Did I fall asleep in my Ready Room again? Your turn to get the coffee." as she playfully nudged him.
Then she opened her eyes and started to sit up. There was Chakotay but this sofa is all wrong...oh no! She remembered when and where she was and suddenly registered Mark standing in front of them. What must he think ! Coming home to find her sleeping on top of another man. Chakotay at that...and what had she just said...he would think they...
"Mark. This is not what it looks like. I'm sorry we must.."
Chakotay was starting to stir now too. "It looks like the two of you spent a good long time talking last night. And it has apparently done you some good. You were both sleeping like babies when I got back an hour or so ago. I didn't want to disturb you both."
Chakotay was embarrassed. His intentions were honourable and nothing had happened but he knew how he would feel in Mark's shoes just now.
He stood and went to apologise "It's my fault. I was pretty tough on Kathryn and there was a lot to talk about. We were still talking at sunrise and then...I guess I didn't put the coffee on in time." He looked a little sheepishly at Kathryn who was desperately trying to un-crease her clothing.
Mark just grinned at him. "I'm sure Kathryn can take it. She's a big girl and can handle herself - as I'm often reminded."
Kathryn wanted to sink through the floor.
"You must both be hungry and thirsty. Breakfast will be served in ten minutes. Chakotay, there's a guest room with an en-suite. Kathryn can show you where it is and you can both freshen up. Then we'll eat."
With that Mark headed back into the kitchen and discreetly pulled the door shut behind him.
Kathryn looked at Chakotay. "I think we had better do as he says. Then I will be polite and have a few bites before making my excuses and heading home. I'm sorry Kathryn. I didn't come here to make matters awkward between you and Mark. Actually precisely the opposite. I came to help...and I hope I have...at least a little."
"Of course you have. And thank you for everything. I'll speak to Mark. Alone. Later...and try to explain..."
He nodded and they made their way upstairs. Just before heading off to freshen up in the guest bathroom Chakotay turned to her "I meant what I said last night. The crew would love to see you. Especially B'Elanna, Tom and Miral. They are regularly at mine. Please Kathryn, don't be a stranger...and feel free to bring Mark."
She smiled as best she could before disappearing into the master bathroom. She didn't deserve either of them yet they both still loved her in their own ways. She was determined to be a better fiancée and friend from now on.
—-
Their 1800 hours 'breakfast' was a relatively pleasant affair. Thanks to Mark. He had gone out of his way to make Chakotay feel welcome. Even offering him the guest room for a few days so he and Kathryn could catch up properly. Of course he had made his excuses. Perhaps another time. He still had a lot of tail ends to tie up. Etc. He could see how uncomfortable Kathryn was and she did need some time alone to talk to Mark. She may finally have opened up to him last night but her poor fiancé was still grappling in the dark.
As he got up to take his leave Mark insisted on clearing the dishes and for Kathryn to see him out. Perhaps she could take the dogs and walk Chakotay back to the beam out site. It was about half an hour away so time to give them both and the dogs a much needed leg stretch. Before Kathryn could object Mark had left them too it. He would try and ease the tension in the little time he had left "Okay Kathryn, which one are you taking?" offering her both leads.
Kathryn decided on Molly. Let Chakotay take the strain of the younger and more boisterous dog. She was still pretty shattered. As they walked she felt the tension easing. She had often dreamed of walking through the Indiana fields in the late summer sunshine. With Chakotay. A dog each in hand. It was almost as she had always pictured it...except for the current circumstances. She could never have foreseen this...triangle...for want of a better word. They were finally home yet it still felt so...complicated...and she had a LOT of making amends with her crew ahead of her. She would start with the Paris's and Seven.
"Chakotay. I do want to see our friends, and soon. You were right. I have created some false paragon of virtue for them to look up to. And apparently I have done a lot of unintended harm in the process." He was about to placate her but she stopped him. Putting her palm on his chest as she had done so many times over they years. "Don't worry. I'll come as Kathryn, flaws and all." She put emphasis on those last few words. "And I won't be wearing my uniform. Not that it fits anymore..."
"I had noticed. You could do with some feeding up. Please just promise me one thing..."
She looked at him warily "I'm probably going to regret this but...Alright..."
"That you will let Mark do the cooking. Before the poor man ends up as thin as you."
With that her eyes flashed and she swiped him playfully before bursting into laughter.
It was lovely to see Kathryn emerging at long last. He had missed her so. Now here they were at the beam out booth. He looked at her. Dreading having to say goodbye. She had a very good man to go home to but it still hurt like hell that it was not him. "Look after yourself Kathryn. Promise me. And talk to us. Any of us. Anytime. We all miss you."
She couldn't look at him so she gazed off into the distance "l miss you too...all of you that is...I'll be in touch..."
He squeezed her hand then beamed out. Just as the transporter started to dematerialise him she turned to face him and she had started to cry.
—-
Kathryn took her time walking back to the house. She wanted to be sure that her features were composed when she encountered Mark. There was so much she had to say to him. So much to explain. How? She didn't have a clue where to start. And to think he had gone to Chakotay for help then come home two days later to find them...
She would just have to play it by ear. She put the dogs in the outside kennel and knocked gently on the kitchen door. Getting no answer she headed indoors. He was nowhere in sight downstairs. Perhaps he had gone to bed early. She made her way up but he was not there either. Feeling confused she decided to grab a jacket from the wardrobe and go look for him. Perhaps he had decided to take a short walk to clear his head before the sun completely set. But when she opened the wardrobe door all her clothes were missing. Completely gone.
He must have beamed them back to her empty house. Then...he had not forgiven her. His friendly act over dinner had been just that. She had to find him...
Kathryn shot out of the back door and went to get the dogs. If anyone could pick up a trail it would be them.
—
Chakotay had beamed into the nearest station to his log cabin but it was still a long walk home. That was deliberate. The Voyagers had become unwitting celebrities on their return and he preferred to be inaccessible to those he did not know and count amongst his genuine friends. As he was not from Earth that was very few people bar his former crew mates.
When he opened the door he saw it : rather them. Three very large suitcases stacked neatly in the middle of his sitting room : with a note on top.
"Hello?"... He checked around the property quickly but there was no one about. Not any more that is. Heading back to the pile of bags he put the note to one side and prised one open. It was full of women's clothing. More specifically, Kathryn's clothing. He recognised the dresses from New Earth that had been packed on top. He doubted that was an accident. Mark. But why?...
Time to read that letter.
"Dear Chakotay (& Kathryn),
I have thought about this hard and decided that putting pen to paper was the answer. I want you both to take the time to read this and consider, before I see you again. I very much hope that by our next encounter you will both be happily settled into your new lives back home - together. The only way that either of you WILL feel at home IS together.
Wait : I can hear both of your objections now. Kathryn - your misguided sense of obligation and debt towards me, and a love that transmuted into a fraternal affection long ago but being forced in another direction entirely. That was my weakness. I tried to delude myself that we are the same people we were before you left Deep Space 9 all those years ago. But we are not. You, least of all.
Chakotay, as you will be the first to read this I want to say ...Thank you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. For looking after my Kathryn who has now become yours. Of that I'm sure. I now have a confession to make. Before I approached you I wanted to ensure that I was not doing more harm than good. I made a few discreet enquiries and then had a very helpful lunch meeting with a charming young lady you both know well. One Annika Hansen. She is a credit to all the hard work that Kathryn, the Doctor and latterly you, have put into helping her regain her humanity. For a girl who had spent two thirds of her young life as a Borg drone she is incredibly perceptive and compassionate. It was my meeting with her that convinced me to come and find you.
She told me of many of the instances you had supported each other, above and beyond the call of duty. After, your...'unfortunate' ...brief dalliance she was confused as to what had gone wrong. She thought it had something to do with her lack of understanding of human emotions and apparently various members of your senior crew filled her in on their observations over the years. She told me she had 'assimilated' (with a knowing wink - Yes - she's becoming very human) all the information and it was obvious. The Captain and First Officer had been in love with each other for years. And apparently still were. She was very enthusiastic about my idea of getting help from you rather than Starfleet Medical. She told me that even the entire `Borg Collective could not get through Captain Janeway's armour. So I didn't stand a chance. But Chakotay could. And the sooner the better. She misses you both and is keen to reconnect. Please. Go see her once you two are settled. And the rest of your dear friends too. They all miss you both. As the command team.
So, I have decided to make the decision a little easier for you. Take it out of your hands. At least in the first instance.
I have packed all Kathryn's belongings and brought them over to you. I did knock but you were not yet back, so please excuse the intrusion. In the top case you'll find the clothes she makes a point of not wearing when I am around. My guess is they are her civilian outfits from New Earth? If so, then the rest of the items in there are possibly the same. The wood carvings I suspect you created for her and the medicine bundle I found her desperately trying to put back together the last time she had nightmares about the Equinox encounter. Those are the worst because that is the only nightmare where she believes she has lost you. If I was unsure before then...let's just say I am one hundred percent confident now that I am doing the right thing. By both of you. I will drop Kathryn off soon. She doesn't know what I am planning so expect her to be a little disorientated. Be gentle with her, she's still far from healed. Whatever she says to the contrary.
I wish you both all the love and happiness in the world. Please invite me to the wedding.
Mark"
Chakotay was astounded. Seven had brought them back together? And Mark...that he could be so self sacrificing. Suddenly it dawned on him.
The "Captain Perfect" act that Kathryn had put on all those years out there... She was trying to live up to Mark's superhuman standards. But it was impossible for life on a stranded Starship. But perhaps Mark's super human qualities had saved them both in the end. He owed the man one. Hell he owed him everything. A debt so vast he could never repay it.
—
Molly had picked up his scent first and bounded ahead. Mark was sitting in the hover car driving seat in the woodland car park about a mile from the house. It was a small clearing that you could fit six hover cars in at best, and you could see the river through the trees from here. It was a popular spot with teenage lovers apparently. But tonight Mark's was the only vehicle there. She hurried over.
Mark just smiled and opened the door "Hurry up. I thought you'd never get here. Jump in. You too Molly." The dog obediently landed on the back seat and promptly curled up to sleep.
"Mark, where are we going?" She could guess. He was so hurt that he was going to drop her off on her front doorstep at one in the morning!
He didn't look at her as he drove. He just said "I'm taking you home."
She had been right. Better to keep quiet and let things settle down. She would spend a couple of days airing out her old house then come and speak to him. Once they were in a better frame of mind. With that she sat back and watched the stars pass the windows. Almost like she had in her quarters for so long...before she knew it she was fast asleep.
—
Molly pushed the door open and rushed at Chakotay, almost sending him flying. He had just settled the dog in the kitchen with a bag of treats when he saw a very tired looking Mark standing in the living room having deposited Kathryn on the sofa. Still fast sleep.
Mark put his hand to his lips and indicated that he wanted to talk to Chakotay outside. Once they were by the front door he turned. "She thinks I am angry with her about...earlier this evening. You should know by now I'm not. She fell asleep on the way here. I told her I was taking her home so I'm not sure where she expects to wake up. If she had any sense it's here. Look after her Chakotay. I still love her and always will. If you ever ..."
"I won't. You have my word on that. I've only ever broken my word once and that led to ...all this... I've more than learned my lesson. It will never happen again. I love her too. Perhaps it has taken all this...to make me realise just how much. You will always be welcome here Mark. I speak for both of us and all the rest of the Voyager family too."
"Until we meet again. Goodnight Chakotay."
The two men shook hands and Chakotay watched the hover car vanish into the distance. He turned to the sofa and gently placed a shawl over Kathryn's sleeping frame.
Home: they truly were. At long last.
THE END
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