Guess who's back… Back again? Kitty's back… Tell a friend! Hey, everybody! I'm back!
Kyle: Unfortunately…
You hush. Anyways, this is the fic Koosh and I are working on together, just like we promised. Yes, it's about the two of us going to the 4077th—the actual us, not our characters. However, before I start it, we would like to get a few things straight…
We will not be paired up with any of the MASH characters.
We will not somehow amazingly get wonderful surgeon skills and become better surgeons than even Hawkeye.
None of the MASH characters will like us right away.
And more over, we will be written exactly as we are—we will not change our appearances, names, personality, or anything else. Why?
BECAUSE WE ARE NOT GOING TO TURN OURSELVES INTO SOME DAMN MARY SUES!
Understand? Good.
Now that that's settled… ON WITH THE FIC!
Disclaimer: Neither Koosh or Kitty own MASH. If they did, they would be extremely rich, and would probably be plotting to help bunnies take over the world.
Quote of the Day:
Hawkeye (looking for maps of the minefield): Why aren't they under 'M' for 'mines'?
Radar: Because they're under 'B' for 'boom'.
Give a Reason (A better title would be greatly appreciated)
Chapter 1: The Authors
Author 1: Kitty Kat-chan
It all started one humid morning in May. Laura, a 15-year-old born in South Carolina with the attention span of a flea, was setting herself up for an all-day MASH marathon.
By 'setting herself up,' I mean she was trying to get the TV from her mother's room into her tiny closet on the other side of the house. Now, you are probably asking yourself, 'WHY is she putting the TV in her closet?'
To be blunt, Laura is not like other girls. If she does something, most of the time she has no reason for it. She just does it because it seems like the most logical thing to do. This was one of those times. To her, putting a TV in a closet seemed to make the most sense.
Her parents—bless their hearts—had decided to go to England for their second honeymoon. After much shouting, crying, whining, and badgering (not to mention 37 verses of 'The Song That Never Ends'), Laura had finally managed to convince them that she was old enough to be left alone for a week.
"All… Most… There…" the brunette wheezed, pushing with as much energy as she could muster. Kyle, her mused, watched from the bed.
"You know, I am extremely entertained right now," he remarked dryly, his tail swishing back and forth lazily.
"I'm so happy for you!" Laura muttered sarcastically. Kyle snorted.
Gritting her teeth, the teen gave one last heave, putting all her energy into it. With a groan, the TV slid in, chipping the paint of the closet as it did.
"Ha! Told ya I could do it!" Laura crowed in triumph.
"Wow, you should get a Nobel Peace prize for that," Kyle said in a false, cheerful voice.
"Bite me," Laura replied in a the same tone.
"Just out of curiosity, how the hell are you gonna fit into that closet with that huge TV in there?" the muse asked.
Laura pondered this.
"I'll manage," she finally answered before stepping into the closet to hook up with TV and cable-box wires up.
She crouched down in front of the TV and studied the many wires. There were blue wires, green wires, red wires, white wires, yellow wires… She picked up a red wire and studied it, then looked back at the box.
"Hm… Does this go here?" she poked at one circuit. "…Or does it go here?" She poked at another.
"Why don't you look at the manual, O Great Genius?" Kyle suggested.
Laura turned to him, looking slightly offended. "Manual? I don't need no stinkin' manual!" she retorted. She then stuck her nose in the air, 'humphed,' and returned her attention back to the wires.
People always say that patience is a virtue. Laura was not a patient person. And she didn't believe in virtues. Hell, she didn't believe in much of anything—except for sporks and bunnies. She had a very firm belief that sporks and bunnies would one day take over the universe. Why? Well the way she figured it, because of it's pointy ends, a spork was a wonderful weapon—she knew this because she stabbed her brother with a fork at his 5th birthday party when she was three.
She also believed that your average spork had a life of it's own. Why?
Allow me to explain; Laura went to a daycare that had a firm belief that Disney movies knew all and would lead children on the path of good. During the years of which Laura attended this daycare, the adults were particularly partial to the movie 'Pocahontas'—the movie about the Native American chick who fell in love with the blonde dude.
In fact, they were so partial to it, that they had the children watch it over and over and over again.
If you have ever seen Pocahontas, then you should remember the song that she sang to the blonde dude—that 'Colors of the Wind' song. Well, one of those lyrics was this—
"…And I know that every rock and tree and creature
has a life, has a spirit, has a name."
That 'has a life, has a spirit, has a name' part stuck with her all through the years.
In other words, if you haven't figured it out by now, she believed that every single inanimate object had a will of it's own. And to her, since sporks made such handy weapons and had their own lives, she was convinced that they had plans to take over the world.
But what about bunnies? There was only one reason for that; their excessive breeding habits. To her, anything that multiplied more of it's own kind that quickly could not be up to any good.
But look, I am rambling off topic. Let's get back to the story—where was I? Oh yes…
"Oh, screw it!" the teen shouted impatiently when she was at her wits end. She then proceeded to hook up the wires into random circuits, not even thinking about the consequences of her actions. She never did think things over…
"Uh, Kitty, I'm not so sure about this…" Kyle said nervously, watching his creator's actions warily.
"Nonsense!" the teen said nonchalantly, pulling her black beanbag into the closet before plopping down. She then picked up the TV and cable-box's cords and threw them to the muse.
"Hook those up for me," she ordered.
Kyle jumped down from the bed, shuffling slowly toward the wires. Once he reached them, he bent hesitantly. Then he asked, "Are you sure about this?"
"Kyle, when have I ever done anything incredibly stupid that would risk our lives?" Laura asked in a kindly tone, touched by her normally sadistic muses' concerns.
"Yesterday, when you decided we should try bungee-jumping from the house," Kyle reminded her. The author blinked.
"Oh yeah… Well this is different. What could go wrong? Don't worry so much, alright?"
Kyle sighed. "I don't know…"
Laura became impatient.
"Kylicus Demetrias Dominicas! HOOK UP THOSE CORDS!"
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" he screamed back. He picked up the cord with his teeth and raced to the circuit. He dropped both cords into his paw.
Shaking the cords at his creator, he growled, "I hope you get electrocuted from this!" before hooking them up.
For five seconds, nothing happened. Smirking, Laura reached towards the knob on the TV to turn it on.
Then—
FZZZZZZZZZT! CRACKLE!"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Laura screamed as she was electrocuted. The closet was filled with bright blue lightning. Kyle yelped and ran out.
The teens' eyes rolled back into her head as her body jolted. Vaguely, she figured it was her time to cross over into the land of sporks, bunnies, and pixie stix.
Then—
BAM! FLASH!She disappeared.
Koosh here, with the second part of this chapter. Don't ask what we have planned for this later on, cos I don't know yet. Kitty probably doesn't really know either. Kyle, Kitty's muse, might, so go talk to him.
Anything that sounds incredibly smart (i.e. psychology type stuff) is NOT me being a Mary-Sue, I'm not going to replace Sidney Freedman or anything as a fantastic psychologist/psychiatrist. I'm actually learning psych at school, and it is not, in fact, incredibly smart. And even though we spend most of the time in class telling bad jokes, I do actually learn something during these classes. Just to prove it, I'll include one of our really bad jokes.
Q. What's red and looks like a bucket?
A. A red bucket.
Q. What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A. A red bucket in disguise.
Told you the jokes were bad. Anyway, onwards!
Author 2: Kooshball
Holly (a.k.a. Koosh) was eighteen, just. She was an average sort of girl, with dark brown hair that swept past her shoulders ("swept", HA! More like clumped. It was fine, but didn't like staying all sleek and shiny like on TV) and blue eyes. Not clear blue, mind, more of a murky, muddy sort of blue, like a texta that had been contaminated by another colour. Holly was about medium height, average weight and hated how she looked, but doesn't every teen? She was also incredibly quiet. When she wasn't at home, that is. If you annoyed her, like REALLY annoyed her, Holly could yell with the best of them. Better than the best of them, even. She got her short temper from her mother, and it often resulted in a fight about once or twice a week between the two. Luckily, Holly, her parents and little brother lived in central Victoria, Australia, was one of the remotest parts of the southern half of Australia, so there were no neighbours to annoy.
It was one of these fights that started all this.
"Why can't I go into town?" That was Holly yelling.
"Because that means someone's got to take you in, then someone's got to go in to bring you back." That was her mum (or 'Mom' to American readers).
"It's not like I ask for much!" It's true, she didn't.
"Fuel costs a fortune though!" It's true. And half an hour into town, and half an hour back, twice, that was at least a quarter of a tank.
"Fine then, I won't have a social life!" With that last comment, Holly stalked off to her room to sulk. She could be very unreasonable when upset, but ask anyone who knew her at school, they'll tell you she's a thoughtful, kind girl, who never got angry or held a grudge (they obviously didn't know her as well as they thought). Holly's favourite reply to this was "Yeah, but I still look like a bitch on paper."
Holly was a writer. An amateur writer, but one day, she planned to write the Great Australian Novel. Anyway, she spent much of her time writing (mainly MASH fics, though there was a Pokemon fic in the works) when she should have really been doing homework or walking the dog or stacking the dishwasher or something else vitally important. This is what she went to do when she went to her room to sulk. She'd been typing away for a good half hour (on her new laptop, her eighteenth birthday present from her parents) when her mum came into her room.
"Are you coming to eat?" she asked.
"No," Holly replied, not looking up from the screen.
"It's on the bench if you change your mind," her mum tried again.
"Whatever," Holly said, still typing. (See, she could be very unreasonable.)
"Look, after you get your licence and your own car, you can go where ever you want," her mum snapped loudly.
"You always say that!" Holly yelled. "You can do what you want when you leave home, or, You can see whoever you want when you leave home. Are you trying to get rid of me? Why don't I leave home now?" Her mother left her bedroom, and the teen spent another hour sulking.
Holly didn't leave her room until about eleven o'clock that night, when her parents had both gone to bed. She went into the kitchen, cooked some two minute noddles (well, she didn't actually cook them, she boiled some water then poured it over the noodles and the flavouring in the little plastic satchel that it came with, but you know what I mean) and went to watch the last three quarters of a movie with her brother. He left about halfway through, but Holly stayed up to see the end.
It was about half part twelve when the credits of the movie started rolling. The teen stood up, stretched, let the dog out and went to her room. She had decided against a shower until morning, when the water would be at its hottest. Lately, it had started getting cold, as they were getting into the colder months. Don't forget, Holly lives in Australia, so June is the beginning of her winter, and December to February the hottest months of the year.
Holly stopped at her door, which is always closed, slightly confused. Light struggled to get underneath the gap in the door, and she'd sworn she's turned her lamp off (it was too faint to be her normal light). It couldn't have been her muse; she didn't own one. Though she wanted one, she also knew muses could be fussy, whiney, bitchy things that complained a lot. Plus, she didn't have a permit to keep one. Holly opened the door, and froze.
Holly has a large bedroom, about six metres by about three and a half, the long wall closest the door made up of built in closets. There's a bookshelf by the door covered in books and a few trinkets she can't bear to put in a closet, a chest of drawers beside the bed that doubles as a bedside table, and a desk on the other side of her bed for her laptop. Like most teens bedrooms, Holly's room was a mess; mostly clothes piled up on the dresser, and shoes with no partners scattered on the floor, half hidden under discarded pages and blankets. On the back of her door, there was a poster she'd painted last year for art, of a blond anime style girl with blue paint splattered across her pink skirt, and the words Just one of those days on it. Based on Izzy, Holly's favourite original character, of course.
There was a new feature to Holly's room when she opened her door. Namely a woman with short dark hair in a long pink dress and gold hoop earrings, staring in awe at her laptop. For a moment, Holly said nothing.
"Who the hell are you?" Holly hissed loudly once she'd got over the first shock, closing the door behind her. She didn't need to wake her parents up, not just yet, especially since the woman looked kind of familiar. "And what the hell are you doing in my bedroom?" The woman jumped, and turned to face Holly, who took a step back. Ok, maybe it wasn't a woman.
"Hi," Klinger said, giving the girl a wave. Holly was too stunned to scream, let alone bolt out of her room to her parent's room to wake them up. She staggered a little, resting against the wall in shock.
"Ok," Holly said, breathing very quickly. "I mustn't be getting enough sleep. This is just a hallucination." She glanced up at Klinger, and another wave of dizziness hit her. "Pretty real damn hallucination," she muttered. "Can't be sleep deprivation induced, 'cause that takes a couple of days straight without sleep. Maybe this is a dream. A lucid dream maybe. Damn Kitty Kat Chan and her story, she's got me believing TV characters can just appear out of thin air."
"You sound pretty smart for a kid," Klinger said. "Maybe you can tell me where we are, and why my closet leads to here. This ain't Korea." Holly felt a little less sick, and maybe a bit of pride. She was taking year twelve psychology, and although her marks weren't the best, she was pleased to have someone acknowledge what she'd learnt. The pride left quickly, however, and Holly staggered over to the bed.
"Of course this isn't Korea," Holly said, sitting on the bed. "And you're not real. You can't be. I mean, if this was one of those cheap rip off fanfics based on my time warp idea, maybe, but it's not." (Koosh: I'd like to point out at this moment that I love all the fics that are "ripped off" from my time warp idea, I just get very unreasonable under stress.)
"Well, if anyone's not real," Klinger said, slightly indignantly, "it's you and this room. I've never seen most of the stuff in here." He pointed to the laptop. "Like that, what is that?" he asked.
"Never mind about that," Holly said. "How'd you get here? Because you can go back there, now."
"Back of my closet fell out," Klinger replied, pointing towards one of the slightly open closet doors, the second furtherest one from the door. Holly stood up again, and had a look around the open door. Daylight leaked through the dresses in the closet, and when she pushed past them a little, she could see a green army tent, decorated in military green with nothing in it but a cot and a mannequin. Holly had to go sit back on the bed again.
"Wow," she said. She looked at Klinger. "What the hell made you come through the closet into my room?" she demanded suddenly.
"So you're saying you wouldn't have come through if you had found that the closets were connected?" Klinger asked.
"Of course not!" Holly snapped. "Go on, get! Go back to Korea!"
"Gees, you're pushy," Klinger complained. Holly pushed him through the closet, closed the door, and sat back on the bed, feeling kind of weak. She looked around her room, wondering how long he'd been in there and what he had touched. Even though Klinger was one of her favourite characters, she was weirded out that she'd found him in her room. She felt her heart jump a moment. What if she'd had a shower, and come back to her room with nothing but a towel on? That could have been very embarrassing.
Holly jumped up from the bed, and grabbed her backpack, loaded with the things she had wanted to take into town with her. She went and stood in front of the closet, taking a few deep breaths.
Then Holly did something incredibly stupid, something so brain numbingly dumb, so unthinkable, she didn't really realise what she was doing until it was too late.
She went though the closet into Klinger's tent.