So Who's Perfect, or, Fourth Wall Eyed

By Anna Nimmie Tee Another

(Re-submitted. My paragraphs got smashed together the first time, despite my double spacing between them.)

Zelgadiss/Gourry buddy one-shot fluff added to the pile of others people have written. I probably should have deleted this piece of silliness, but here goes anyway.

Gourry cheers up the chimera.

Zelgadiss sat dejectedly on the edge of his bed in the room he shared with Gourry. As Lina's golden-haired companion entered the chamber, he noticed the chimera was in a funk. Gourry squatted down in front of the chimera to look him in the eye questioningly. Zelgadiss gave a deep sigh and answered his friend's silent inquiry, "Just the usual frustration after the usual failure to fine a cure for myself."

As he scratched his head, the blond wondered loudly, "Zel, I still can't understand why getting your human body back is such a big deal. Without the Sword of Light around, for instance, no weapon can touch you."

"Yeah, and neither can I touch or be touched by women. They're repulsed by my monsterous looks."

Gourry shook his head and muttered, "And people think I'm dense!"

Zel replied "Only Amelia likes me and it's a crush because I look different. It's true Martina seemed a little interested in me. Then she got a good look at you. If I were as handsome and naturally strong as you, I'd either have to fight them off or enjoy them all. I'm surprised we haven't run into several little Gourrys in our travels."

"You do seem to have a thing about sex from some of the comments I've heard you make."

"This coming from someone who lifts up skirts and grabs boobs?"

"Hey, Xelloss made me grab Lina's breast that time, and you know I saw Filia's tail. I wanted to check out if she really was like my granny or something worse."

This shook the chimera out of his pity party enough to face fault and exclaim, "Your granny had a tail?"

"Yup, but with a purple ribbon on it. I glimpsed it during a particularly bad mazuko attack on our village. She was really a couple times a great granny on my dad's side. I think she had something to do with the Sword of Light and my ancestor, but I do remember she made great tea and cookies. They always made me feel better after my older brother beat up on me."

"Let me get this straight: Your granny was a dragon?"

Gourry gave a little chuckle, "Huh. Now that I think about it, I guess so. Must be why she was so old. I never saw her in full dragon form, though. When I asked Mom and Dad about the tail the one time I saw it, they said it was something embarassing that we should never talk about. I just figured it was something freaky that happens sometimes in families. Uh, what were we talking about originally, Zel? Oh, yeah." From his squatting position, Gourry reached out his right hand and thunked the top of Zelgadiss' left knee. "Zel, Amelia doesn't have a crush. She really does loves you."

He rose to sit on the bed next to his friend. "Listen, buddy, I'm just your typical long-haired, blond warrior, a copper a dozen. I may blessed with good looks and be a great swordsman, but you, Lina, and everyone else remind me how stupid and simple I am. I'm always ignored or dissed by Slayers fans because most of them think I'm not complicated and just too stupid. Your chimeric body intrigues many more fanartists. Very few want to write about or draw pictures of a run-of-the-mill, dumb blond hero." He thought a moment and admitted "Oh, well. I do serve a purpose, though, even if it's only comic relief. That's a heck of a lot better than no purpose at all." He shrugged diffidently and added, "Maybe Lina deserves someone better, like you, who can carry on a decent conversation about magic, history, gods, or stuff, instead of somebody everyone knows has the brains of a jellyfish."

"Hey, hey, hey! Pity parties are out of character for you. Not to worry, Gourry. You didn't see Lina's disappointment after she mistook some dancing corn cob for you or her anguish after Phibrizo took you. Don't forget she gave up the world for you. But I guess we all do belittle you too often."

"Yeah, maybe. It's true I lack book brains, and, although a top sorceress and cute as a button, Amelia lacks physical weapon skills. But you and Lina have it all, brains, magic, good swordsmanship, and good looks. Yes, Zel, you do. The fans go for your exotic looks and troubled, complex nature."

Zelgadiss only snorted derisively.

A knock on the door made both men jump up alertly.

"Mail delivery!" the desk clerk announced.

Zel opened the door, and a paper avalanche of fanmail was dumped on him. Only the top of his silvery, wire hair could be seen.

There were two envelopes for Gourry.

Zelgadiss struggled, and, gasping for breath, emerged from his pile. Holding each of his letters in each of his hands, Gourry said, "See Zel, you may be a moody, self-absorbed chimera, but you really attract the fangirls much more than I do. I'm stumped why Lina fell for me, and not you, especially since I gave away the SOL. Must be because she can beat up on me and not get hurt, or maybe because I let her think she has the upper hand with me."

The chimera wasn't listening because he was reading some of his haul. "Oh, man, this girl wants to do WHAT with me? And does this one's mother know her daughter uses THOSE kind of words? Wow, look at this fanart. Err, on second thought, don't. I want to keep you my friend. I'm surprised some of these envelopes didn't burst into flames, the contents are so hot!"

Gourry opened one of his envelopes and heaved a sigh. "This one is just a sleazy organization offering me a gold credit card. Yeah, right. With an exhorbitant interest rate mentioned in very fine print. And this one is the bill for the last inn Lina and I stayed at. Ouch! See, being just comic relief doesn't get the fans, despite looks."

Zel, still clutching a bunch of letters to his chest with a beatific look on his face, offered, "My friend, you're not just comic relief. You're there when we need you, whether to fight or support us emotionally. You sometimes have observations and insights we "smarter" people have completely missed. Your calm and cheerful outlook on life, maddening though it sometimes is, bolsters us. The utmost horrid perversion to us was when the Hellmaster took you over and made you the complete reverse of what you are."

"Who did? When was that?"

"Gourry!"

"Zel, don't. Like a sundial, I record only the sunny hours. Otherwise, given what I've seen and experienced both before Lina and with Lina, I couldn't remain sane or even alive. Bits do surface now and again, but I push 'em away and live for now."

"That could bite you in the ass someday, Gourry, when you can't hold the bad things back."

"Which is why I need Lina to be my memory. Anyway, to get back to your self-esteem problem, now do you understand that you are very attractive to the girls? They all want to soo-oothe your pain."

"Mmmm. Yeah. Maybe I should hang around Amel...er, Seyruun a little longer this time. I'll have to answer all this fan mail. Maybe Amelia can help me."

"Zel, what about Amelia's feelings when she reads those things?"

"Just kidding. See, Gourry, you're better at considering other people's feelings thing than I, although why you don't spare Lina's feelings about her breasts, I'll never know."

"Isn't it obvious? It's to get back at her for looking down on my intelligence. Her boobies aren't big, but I really do like 'em because they are hers. Damned if I'll admit it to her, though."

Gourry's friend laughed affectionately at that. "I'll not divulge your secret to her, either. So you think if all these girls, who hardly know me, love me, Amelia cares for me even more?"

"Try a little time and tenderness with her, Zel. 'Scuse me. I've got an inn bill to pay and another one to build up. The menu downstairs looks terrific!"

Author's notes: Zelgadiss sometimes seems to have sex on the mind, particluarly in Try and the novels, what with his comments on Gourry's looking under Filia's skirt, telling Lina to "be gentle" with him at the marriage temple. In Next, he played unconscious in hope Amelia would give him artificial respiration, and in one of the novels he teased Gourry about the possibility of his, Lina's, and Gourry's encountering lots of little Gourrys in Sairaag. He ceratainly was extremely embarassed to find out Miwan was a boy, because he was obviously very attracted to Miwan. If he hadn't had "thoughts", he wouldn't have been so upset.

In the third novel, it is mentioned that the Swordsman of Light that first saved Sairaag rode on the back of a dragon. Yes, I did a big personal, fantasy leap and imagined that the dragon could have been a renegade gold, who could have married the Swordsman of Light and have sex and a child the human way, rather than laying an egg, because she did so in full functioning, physical human form. There's so little background on Gourry given in the Kanzaka canon and anime, that I like to play around with the guy's heritage, which is fairly obvious to those who have read the other ficcies I've attenpted. (If you really want to read 'em, you can always click on my name link above.) Just another one of my stupid imaginings why Gourry is tall and blond, despite his ancestor, Rowdy, having been short and dark-haired.