~~~~~~
William shuffled down the corridor of some High School, his books clutched to
his chest and bad poetry churning in his head. He didn't know it but in a few
moments something was going to happen that would turn him into a bleached haired
bad-ass.
Buffy sashayed through the doors at the opposite end of the hallway, pretty blond hair done in a retro flip, stilletto heels yanked from the cover of this year's Vogue magazine, and a trademark lollipop in her mouth. She didn't know it, either, but something was about to occur that would make her fall head-over-heels (as well as heels-over-head) for the geek she'd always picked on.
"B-Buffy," William stammed as she sashayed past him without a second glance. "I-I don't suppose you would consider going on a date with me? I know I'm a loser with bad hair, bad clothes and bad poetry but I have a good heart and inside me is a bleached haired bad-ass who you will soon want to bone morning, noon and night."
Buffy laughed. "Please, you are like soooooo beneath me."
And with that William vowed to transform himself into someone else in order to get the woman he loved.
Meanwhile, Buffy collided with Angel the Quarterback(tm), who had just entered the building. He was hot and sweaty and broody from practice and Buffy was instantly a-swoon. "Oh, Angel, you are the most gorgeous hunk o'man I have ever laid eyes on!"
Angel leered at her, somehow being soulless in this enactment, even though he was human and therefore (by definition) HAD a soul. "Yeah... You're gorgeous, yourself. Whattaya say we go to the Bronze later, I'll slip something in your drink, fuck you sideways while you're stoned off your ass, then strut around highschool later while I proclaim myself as Da Man?"
Buffy smiled and nodded. "Sounds wonderful, Angel my love. I will then weep and wail for a while before realising my one true love was right under my nose the whole time."
William, in the meantime, employed the help of Buffy's slightly less shallow friends to help him change his image and win the girl.
Her less shallow friends included Willow, Xander, Oz, and Cordelia. Anya was more or less on the fringe. The reason they were helping William, none of them knew for certain, but they were sure it had something to do with helping Buffy get that cranial-rectal separation they had all been rooting for for the last few years. So, they helped William pick out a brand-new wardrobe, dye his hair for no apparant reason, and get started in a very bad smoking habit.
"But, why do my clothes have to be all black, guys?" William said in his soft accent that they were desperately trying to make sound less refined and therefore much sexier.
"Because, silly, black is the new mauve this year!" Cordy replied with her "duh" look firmly in place.
Xander produced a bunch of tapes of Eastenders that he'd recorded from BBC America. "Try and talk like these guys."
William, merely nodded, too busy hacking up a lung from his first cigarette.
"Now, all you need to do is show up at the Bronze tonight, save Buffy from Angel and show her just how cool you are," Willow suggested happily.
"Before or after 'e slips a pill inner drink?" William tried, quirking his lips to one side, making him look constipated.
"What are you doing? Do you need to go to the bathroom?" Willow asked in concern.
"I was trying for a sexy smirk thing," William mumbled.
"You need tons more practice," Cordy quipped. "I thought you needed to take a shit."
William grimaced some more, earning frowns of disapproval from the other.
"'ere, this aint gonna work."
Cordy moved over and began pulling his lips around until the desired effect was achieved. "Much better."
"Cor, blimey I feel like a roight pratt."
"Well, you look good." Cordy replied. "Now we just need to pull a cool nickname out of the air for no apparent reason and you'll be ready."
"Don't forget we have to mention that he's related to Giles, since they're both British they MUST be related." Willow added.
"Oh, yeah! The G-man!" Xander said, snapping his fingers. "Wait a minute... doesn't he hate Will...er...Spike? For that matter, don't I hate Spike?"
"Not in AU fic, you don't," Anya said, startling everyone by showing up out of nowhere. "You two are bosom buddies for the sole purpose of making the authors satisfied, because they dislike the idea that (on the show) everyone hates Spike."
Everyone stared at her.
"What show?" Oz asked stoically.
"Oh, right, there is no show." Anya laughed nervously. "But don't you think Spike is a cool nickname for him?"
William thought about it for a moment. "I like it. From now on I will be known as William 'Spike' Giles."
The matter decided it was time for them to go to the Bronze and save Buffy.
Buffy, however, didn't feel like she needed saving. She was having an author-regulated perfect time at the Bronze, accepting the pawing Angel was bestowing on her ass and tits with relish. She, of course, was too dumb for all of five minutes to notice the pill that Angel slipped into her drink, somehow making it easier for the author to manipulate her into being subdued by the New!Spike's adopted sexy charms.
"Come on, Buffy," Angel crooned as he continued pawing at her. "Let's go out into this alley so that I can take advantage of you in your drugged up state."
"Ok." Buffy giggled drunkenly, whilst telling everyone around them how much she loved them. Angel, however, was stopped by William 'Spike' Giles blocking his way.
"Now listen here, mate. You better leave her alone or I'm gonna have to hurt you." Nobody commented on the fact that he'd managed to perfect his accent and image whilst walking to the Bonze.
Angel laughed, little knowing that the change of image had turned William into a bad-ass with great fighting skills.
"Yeah?" Angel said with his massive brow lowered. "What are you going to do about it, New Guy? You see, I somehow don't recognize you as William, the nerd we all picked on.. I am that much in awe of your transformation that the lack of glasses and new accent, as well as different hair color, have completely baffled my broody self."
William laughed but made no move to hit Angel. After all, it would make him look bad if he hit the villain of the piece first. Instead he stood around trading jibes with Angel until the quaterback finally slugged him. Buffy's friends dragged her to safety while the two men beat the crap out of each other. Buffy stared with large eyes at the stranger, looking forward to the scene later on where she'd be able to tend his wounds and thank him for saving her.
Of course, she forgot to take into account the All-Powerful!Authors' wills, and promptly passed out in a drugged stupor on the floor. Meanwhile, although he was a good few inches shorter than his opponent, Spike inevitably won the fight and escaped without so much as a scratch. Angel, however, looked like he'd been hit by an AmTrak car.
Suddenly, the Bronze went still as an ungodly odor wafted through the room. Everyone held their noses as Eu de Shitty Diaper pervaded the air. The thudding of feet could be heard as an author promptly left the keyboard and headed for the nearest changing table, squalling infant in tow.
A few moments later, the characters sighed happily as the air cleared and they found they could move again.
Spike walked over to Buffy's unconscious body and although he had never been less than three feet away from her before he scooped her up and carried her home so he could take care of her. Seeing that Buffy was in good hand with a guy she barely knew her friends left her to it.
"Wait a minute!" Anya protested. "What about Dawn! No one's said anything about Dawn!"
They all stared at her blankly. From the floor, with a bleeding nose, Angel said, "Dawn who?"
"Shit, you mean this is the world without Dawn? I wanted the world without SHRIMP!" Anya promptly vanished in a puff of smoke, and there was much partying.
Spike in the meantime was pondering what to do with Buffy who had woken up and was now, still drugged up, declaring undying love to him.
"Oh, mysterious stranger. I see now that you are clearly my one true love and even though I don't know your name I think we should have sex."
She then threw herself at him and Spike had to do the gentlemanly thing and fend her off. Just to show he's still a good man despite his bad-ass image.
However, Buffy's drugged squirming did have an effect on our protagonist, as his erection became noticeable through his black jeans. Buffy looked at him and batted her eyes, "Spiiiike, please? I seriously want to fuck you silly... even though I think I should know you from somewhere and yet the eyeliner throws me off enough to find you hot."
Buffy batted her eyes again, so hard she thought her lids were going to cramp, and waited for Spike's reply.
William looked at her, inner turmoil raging within him. Finally he could bear it no longer. "Buffy, it is I, William 'Spike' Giles. You see, I have loved you all along and changed my image to get you to like me."
"Oh? How inexplicably shallow of you!" Buffy lauded. "That makes you just like me, and of course we can be together now!" She promptly tore his clothes off and screwed him into the floor.
And they lived happily ever after in satisfied bliss.
...And no one ever questioned that Buffy and Spike boinked without the aid of a condom, or that Buffy had been on birth control from the age of 12, and yet Spike had been her first. Everyone was happy that, somehow through one night's drug-induced fucking, Buffy had developed a personality. Complete with depth.
The End...?