I shut off the lights and sink into the pillows, nestling myself as far as
I can get into the mattress. As exhausted as I am, I can't seem to fall
asleep. I hear Eric's soft breathing coming from the other bed, and envy
how he's always been able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat. I shift
positions, fluff the pillows, and try again to drift off. No such luck.
I sigh in defeat and sit up. Who the hell am I kidding? I know exactly why I can't sleep.
I should be in Chicago, helping my boyfriend through what is probably going to be one of the hardest nights of his life. But, instead, I'm here with my brother, for a reason I can't even really pinpoint.
I slip on my shoes and walk outside. Jesus, what a dump this place is. I walk to the picnic tables to the side of the motel and sit down, lighting a cigarette as I go. Yeah, I know, I quit. I bought some at the airport, sensing that this could be a stressful night. I was right in that assumption.
My thoughts drift to John once again. What a piece of work I am huh? What kind of girlfriend runs off the day her boyfriend's grandmother dies? He asked me flat out to stay, and I left anyway. I don't think that's going to win me girlfriend of the year. And by the way John reacted, I think he agrees. The look on his face could have melted Romano's heart. And I still left. Tears sting my eyes, and I throw my cigarette on the ground with disgust. If I could, I'd steal a plane myself if it would get me to John right now. .
Eric would have been fine. Deep down, I knew that, but there's this part of me that still needs to protect him, like I've tried to do his whole life. That's me, Abby Lockheart: Supersister, and worst girlfriend ever to have crawled the earth.
I know what has to be done. I may not be able to get to John tonight, but I sure as hell can talk to him at least. He needs to know I'm sorry. I run back to the room and grab my cell phone. Stepping outside again, I check the time. It's about three a.m. in Chicago. I'm sure he's still up, he probably won't be sleeping tonight. Guilt surges through me once again as I dial the familiar numbers. Please be there, I pray silently.
He picks up on the third ring. "Hello?" His voice sounds hoarse and throaty, like he'd been crying. There's that guilt again.
"John, it's me." I say, trying to keep my voice from shaking.
"Yeah, I know. Cell phones have caller ID remember? What do you want?"
. "I wanted to see how things were going." Good job Abby, way to make conversation. How the hell do you think things are going?
"It's three in the morning Abby," he says tiredly. "Like I said, she'll still be dead when you get back, so can't we talk tomorrow?"
The guilt is too much. I start crying, right there on the phone, like a little baby. I try to stay quiet, but he knows. "What's wrong?" he asks, concern in his voice. This just makes me cry harder. There he is alone, no thanks to me, mourning for his grandmother, and still wonders if I'm ok. God, I love this man. I realize then that I've never even told him.
"I should have stayed." I say through my tears.
"Abby." he starts, but I cut him off.
"No John, don't make excuses for me. I should have stayed, and we both know it. Eric's a big boy, he was ok. If I was going to go at all, I should have at least waited a day or two. You asked me to stay, and I looked you right in the face and said no. How can you ever even look at me again?"
There's a long silence on the other end, interrupted every once in awhile by me sniffling like a child. Then he speaks.
"I understand why you left. He's your brother, you've taken care of him all his life. Of course you'd want to help him. Yeah, I was hurt.I still am hurt. I'm going through a shit load right now, and I really needed you. But I do understand, and I forgive you."
"You do?" I ask.
"Of course I do," he says. "I love you, Abby. I've always loved you, and this certainly isn't going to make me stop. We'll get through it, like we've gotten through everything else."
I feel a surge of love rush over me. How did I ever get this lucky?
"Anyway," John says, yawning, "I'm going to try to get some sleep. I've got a lot to do tomorrow." A touch of sadness enters his voice again.
"I'll be home first thing tomorrow, and I'll help you with whatever you need."
"I know you will," he says. "I'll see you tomorrow then ok?"
"Ok." I say. "Oh, and John?"
"Yeah?"
I take a deep breath and say the words that I've been too stupid and scared to say until now.
"I love you too." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disclaimer-We all know the drill.
I sigh in defeat and sit up. Who the hell am I kidding? I know exactly why I can't sleep.
I should be in Chicago, helping my boyfriend through what is probably going to be one of the hardest nights of his life. But, instead, I'm here with my brother, for a reason I can't even really pinpoint.
I slip on my shoes and walk outside. Jesus, what a dump this place is. I walk to the picnic tables to the side of the motel and sit down, lighting a cigarette as I go. Yeah, I know, I quit. I bought some at the airport, sensing that this could be a stressful night. I was right in that assumption.
My thoughts drift to John once again. What a piece of work I am huh? What kind of girlfriend runs off the day her boyfriend's grandmother dies? He asked me flat out to stay, and I left anyway. I don't think that's going to win me girlfriend of the year. And by the way John reacted, I think he agrees. The look on his face could have melted Romano's heart. And I still left. Tears sting my eyes, and I throw my cigarette on the ground with disgust. If I could, I'd steal a plane myself if it would get me to John right now. .
Eric would have been fine. Deep down, I knew that, but there's this part of me that still needs to protect him, like I've tried to do his whole life. That's me, Abby Lockheart: Supersister, and worst girlfriend ever to have crawled the earth.
I know what has to be done. I may not be able to get to John tonight, but I sure as hell can talk to him at least. He needs to know I'm sorry. I run back to the room and grab my cell phone. Stepping outside again, I check the time. It's about three a.m. in Chicago. I'm sure he's still up, he probably won't be sleeping tonight. Guilt surges through me once again as I dial the familiar numbers. Please be there, I pray silently.
He picks up on the third ring. "Hello?" His voice sounds hoarse and throaty, like he'd been crying. There's that guilt again.
"John, it's me." I say, trying to keep my voice from shaking.
"Yeah, I know. Cell phones have caller ID remember? What do you want?"
. "I wanted to see how things were going." Good job Abby, way to make conversation. How the hell do you think things are going?
"It's three in the morning Abby," he says tiredly. "Like I said, she'll still be dead when you get back, so can't we talk tomorrow?"
The guilt is too much. I start crying, right there on the phone, like a little baby. I try to stay quiet, but he knows. "What's wrong?" he asks, concern in his voice. This just makes me cry harder. There he is alone, no thanks to me, mourning for his grandmother, and still wonders if I'm ok. God, I love this man. I realize then that I've never even told him.
"I should have stayed." I say through my tears.
"Abby." he starts, but I cut him off.
"No John, don't make excuses for me. I should have stayed, and we both know it. Eric's a big boy, he was ok. If I was going to go at all, I should have at least waited a day or two. You asked me to stay, and I looked you right in the face and said no. How can you ever even look at me again?"
There's a long silence on the other end, interrupted every once in awhile by me sniffling like a child. Then he speaks.
"I understand why you left. He's your brother, you've taken care of him all his life. Of course you'd want to help him. Yeah, I was hurt.I still am hurt. I'm going through a shit load right now, and I really needed you. But I do understand, and I forgive you."
"You do?" I ask.
"Of course I do," he says. "I love you, Abby. I've always loved you, and this certainly isn't going to make me stop. We'll get through it, like we've gotten through everything else."
I feel a surge of love rush over me. How did I ever get this lucky?
"Anyway," John says, yawning, "I'm going to try to get some sleep. I've got a lot to do tomorrow." A touch of sadness enters his voice again.
"I'll be home first thing tomorrow, and I'll help you with whatever you need."
"I know you will," he says. "I'll see you tomorrow then ok?"
"Ok." I say. "Oh, and John?"
"Yeah?"
I take a deep breath and say the words that I've been too stupid and scared to say until now.
"I love you too." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disclaimer-We all know the drill.