Duo's POV
...and
then you left me
by solange channonix
I caught up with Trowa and Quatre on the wide stairs of the porch leading to the royal palace's entrance. Quatre leaned in to hug me immediately. I noticed we were still exactly the same height, so... I wasn't the only one not to grow up much. I held him at the arm's length, looking into his dark blue eyes, sparkling with unhidden happiness. Still as cute as ever...
I looked up at Trowa, small smile tugging at his lips. He seemed happy, too.
I sighed, quite stiffly left Quatre alone and mounted up the stairs, to the wide double door. They followed me in silence, immediately stopping to smile. If they were thinking they knew what I was through, they were wrong, but whatever it was, I needed to come here anyway. I wasn't a coward, I could face it.
It was a wedding day, everyone in the palace was in the official clothing. Even me... It'd taken me two days to decide on buying just that suit, it wasn't black, dark gray this time. I would've been looking fine if not for the tie, dark green, but I really couldn't find nothing better.
I was walking straight through the hall, ignoring people I was passing by, even those politely smiling at me, even pretty young girls sending me long, flirtatious looks, followed by my fellow ex-Gundam pilots, mindlessly. Quatre stopped me with a tug at my sleeve and pulled me into a small corridor aside.
" Come on, Duo, we'll talk in private. We have a present for you."
" Present ?" I asked curiously. I couldn't help but feel childish amazement.
We stepped inside a quite spacial room with just a couch, two armchairs and a table inside. I plumped down on the armchair, waiting for Quatre to pull it, whatever it was, out. Trowa sat down opposite me. They shared a long look before Quatre plunged his little hand into his large pocket and pulled it out.
My eyes widened. It was a tie. A perfect tie.
" How do you like it ?" Asked Quatre sitting down on the couch next to Trowa, but leaning in my direction.
" Well... I don't know what to say." I said.
They burst with laughter before I realized what so funny I'd said. From the doorway, always a bit mocking laughter of another Gundam pilot reached my ears. Wufei...
We greeted each other with a nod and I took the tie closer to the light, looking it over. I didn't know how they'd done it but it was just the color of my eyes - quite dark blue blurred into amethyst. Unique shade of violet, I'd never ever seen in nothing but my eyes before.
" I've seen it once while shopping. I decided I had to buy it and give it to you one day. It's just the color of your eyes and after all, how many men have amethyst eyes ? There's no one it'd suit better."
" Thanks, Quat. I'll put it on." I said, taking my old tie off. " Will someone help me ?" I asked, holding out my new tie.
Quatre smiled, but strangely, Wufei was the first to approach. He did it, quickly and efficiently, nearly strangling me at the end, on purpose, I bet. I went into a coughing fit and only then he let me go. I hate him... He's told me once I looked like a girl...
" So, how do you feel, Duo ?"
Another Quatre's attempt on starting a conversation. But the rest of us wasn't in the talking mood.
" Fine. Why do you ask ?" I asked bluntly.
Of course I knew why did he ask. I'd ask him too if everything was okay if we were to be together on Trowa's wedding. They all knew well enough what had there been between me and Heero. We'd been making enough of the noise at some nights...
We, me and him, it felt so strange to think like that now... He was getting married, with her, with the one I'd always known had been going to take him away from me, Relena Peacecraft, who else ?
They feared I'd do something crazy. Trowa and Wufei had guns, they were visible enough under their suits for my eyes. Had they so little trust in me ? I could control myself, couldn't I ? Heero meant nothing for me now, didn't he ? Why wouldn't it be so ? Why did I still love him ?
I flashed a wide grin, laughing softly, breaking the silence reigning in the room so far, to cover up my embarrassment. Why had I come here at all ?
Because I'm not a coward...
" It's time to go." Announced Wufei.
We all nodded. Trowa gave Quatre a hand to help him stand up. Cute... Things between these two had been melting my heart since ever... They were so happy together, why wouldn't I ?
Wufei looked at me cautiously. I shook my head, to show him it was nothing, that I was all right.
We got out. In the hall, there was even more people than before, a real crowd. We were passing through with difficulty, trying hard to keep together. I guessed we were trying to find Heero, to congratulate him before the ceremony would begin. That was what I'd figured out from Quatre's chatter at least.
For once, he was the one making the most of the noise. I really wasn't in the mood. My boyfriend was getting married, no one excepted me to be happy. They knew... Well, maybe we'd been showing off, countless times passing through the living room of the safehouse with me, arms and legs wrapped around Heero and his hands on my ass, making love in the Gundam's cabin, while they were in the hangar. Maybe we'd been showing off with the fact we'd had each other alone.
It'd been good, to find and to have someone just for me back then, not to be alone anymore, ever. Or so it'd seemed. I'd believed it'd last. It hadn't, well...
I'd been wondering countless times in which ways she is better than me. More beautiful ? It's the matter of taste. Stronger ? Certainly not. So what ? Nosy, quite egoistic girl, thanks to her position the great intercessor of peace, but it is who she is, when you get right down to it, isn't it ? So maybe I'm bitter and angry, but she's hurt me, she's damned hurt me !
I love him, no one will convince me I don't because I know well enough what I feel for him, I love his eyes, I crave for his touch, but that's just the surface, there's a lot more deep down.
I'd do everything for him if he asked, I would've given everything away to save him the pain. He's been my second half, filling in my missing parts, making me feel complete, safe and happy. Why had she had to take him away ?
I've needed him more than her. I have nothing beside him. For her, he was just an addition to a life that had turned out perfect. She'd lost her father, I know, but it seemed she was through that, she had her kingdom, her peace, she hadn't been the one fighting the hardest for, her newly found brother, and to all of this, she wanted her dreamt-of man and she was getting him.
I know she loves Heero as well. I can't deny it, just that for her it is the kind of love developed from a crush and I bet that at least partially she doesn't love who he is, but who is thought around he is, who she thinks he is. She loves a hero, a fighter for peace she believes him to be in everything he is. She doesn't even accept him, a killer without doubts nor regrets, getting pleasure from killing, a fighter who doesn't support peace, a man hurting others for pleasure. She has no clue how much of the blood he, everyone from us, has on his hands, even if she knows the number, she doesn't know what does it mean.
She'll never understand him, get to see the scars on his soul, get to see him whole, I know that. He won't open up to someone as blind as her.
You can tell me I don't know her, not really, so how can I know such things, but I do know, she hadn't been fighting in the war, she hadn't spent her childhood in the colonies in the time of occupation, she'd never understand us, understand him.
All she can give him is a quite normal life, not real love, acceptance and understanding. Maybe she wants to give him all of that, but she won't. She can't know how and she'll never know.
Yet, he chose her over me. During the war, he'd been clutching on me, confessing his darkest sins to me, making me responsible for what he'd been doing, giving me that burden to carry because he knew I'd take it with a patient smile, leaning onto me, clutching me on the worst nights, making love to me till he passed out and hadn't been caring nor remembering anymore and then, he'd left me, like a whore he had no use for anymore.
I'd given him everything, not thinking twice, I hadn't as much as hesitated before offering my virginity to him, before forgetting about myself all together and giving all away for him. He'd been taking that all, never really giving me much in return, rare smiles, some comfort, a bit of pleasure mixed with pain so much I couldn't distinguish one from the other, and the knowledge that I'd been keeping him sane, that without me, he'd...
I'd given the will to live again, I'd granted him absolution for every his sin, repeating countless times how much I'd loved him with no regard to the blood all over his hands. I'd let him rape me hundred times over because he'd been just feeling like that, needing something to take his stress out on. I'd hoped back then that then, in the time of peace, we'd be happy thanks to my sacrifice.
And then he'd left me.
She'd taken him away for nothing. I'd nearly lost myself just for the illusion that I'd had his heart, she'd done nothing to really have it. That isn't just.
What was so much better about her ? That she gave him a chance for a normal relationship ? With dating, first kisses and touches ? That she could bear his children ? Is it so, Heero ? You're leaving me because I'm a guy, because with me, it'll never be a family, but always just you and me, and our old nightmares, coming back to hunt us ? I'd been your shelter in the time of the war, do I, because of that, make you think about it now, in the time of peace ? Do I make you think about the war, about the nightmare ? Or hadn't you ever loved me ? Or had I been just your whore ?!
Even then, why her, is she better in bed ? You wouldn't convince me, kind of things we'd experienced... and beside that, you won't make me believe she's let you rape her, fuck her till she would bleed for days, I'll never believe that !
There had been only one person ready to sacrifice as much for you, that person had been me. No one loves you nor will love you the way I do, Heero, why can't you see that ?
Or maybe, you don't want that kind of love anymore ? Maybe now you want to change, to play someone else, to forget, so you have no need for someone who knows you as well as I do ? I'm a burden, is it ? Me and my love, useful in the time of the war, but not now, when all around is so peaceful. You don't need me anymore, do you ?
Fine then. We'll see how happy you can get with her. We'll see how long you'll be able to play a normal boy, when you're so far away from being one, a normal guy who just starts his life. We'd been through lifetimes in months, if you really think that haven't changed you, then go and try the normal life, but know that you will come back to me, your Shinigami, the only person that can really put up with your shit because it has as much of its own, you'll see, Heero. One day, you'll be back to me...
Once again, widened eyes will meet, trembling lips will find each other, hands drenched in blood will be squeezed tightly together, while you'll be rocking my world again, I swear you that, Heero.
We'd gotten addicted to each other, because we can't live alone, and
with her, you'll be alone, truly alone, because there will be no one around
you who can really understand you and you'll need to play whole the time,
trying to be what she sees you as. You'll realize your mistake then and
come back to me, the one meant to be with you. The one you belong to, forever.
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No sequels to that one.