The Multi-storey Fairytale

The young woman on the psychiatrist's couch was hardly recognisable as a Fairytale Heroine. Her blonde hair hung limply instead of in soft golden curls around her face and there were no roses in her cheeks or sparkle in her eyes. Not only that, she didn't even notice the pea under the cushions! But as she began to tell the shrink her tragic backstory, her rundown appearance became quite understandable…

When her father died, her evil stepmother and ugly sisters treated her like a wretched slave. She had to do all the washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning, not to mention foot massages and spinning straw into gold. Forced to sleep in the servants' quarters among the ashes, her only friend in the world was her godmother who lived in a cottage in the woods. She would travel to her godmother as often as she could with a basketful of goodies she had sneaked from her stepmother's kitchen, wearing a lovely red cape that her godmother had made for her.

Then the old lady was killed by a wolf. The poor heroine was devastated and wept most becomingly but no one noticed, so she ran away from her evil stepmother to live in her godmother's cottage. Soon after moving in, however, she discovered that her godmother used to run a Bed & Breakfast when seven dwarves arrived and said they had made a booking. Then she saved three pigs from the same wolf that killed her godmother (Don't ask how; it's that all-powerful fairytale magic called Artistic Licence) and they decided to move in too. They had recently lost their homes of straw, sticks and bricks to a passing giant who knocked them down while chasing after a boy with a golden harp.

The cottage was getting pretty crowded and she had so many guests she didn't know what to do, and when she went to the cupboard, the cupboard was bare. At that moment the doorbell rang and there was an old woman selling apples. Little did our heroine know that it was her evil stepmother in disguise and the apples were … poisoned (Cue dramatic music). All she knew was that she had 11 mouths to feed and she was desperate, so she bought the entire stock of apples, not even noticing that the old woman's nose grew longer every time she said how lovely the apples were.

But her guests were so greedy and ate all the apples so quickly that there wasn't even one left for her. Of course, the poison didn't work on the pigs or the dwarves; it was meant for humans only, particularly young beautiful maidens. (The stepmother was a bit of a cheapskate, and the all-purpose poison would have cost more…)

So the poor girl was left hungry, not even knowing what she had escaped. There was no alternative; she was going to have to sell her godmother's old cow which was no longer able to produce milk. Everyone in the cottage was vegetarian, so the only use for the cow would be to sell it. While the dwarves and pigs were happily asleep with full stomachs, our heroine set off riding the cow. She hoped to get to the market first thing in the morning, so they jumped a shortcut over the moon.

She spent the whole day trying to sell the cow without any luck. On the way home she ran into the wolf again, but he was dressed in sheep's clothing. He was very cunning, and he convinced her to trade the cow for a handful of beans.

Back home she ate her beans in bed and she was so tired she felt she could sleep for a hundred years. But the dwarves in the room next door were telling stories about the Arabian Knights vs. the Forty Thieves, and that kept her awake until the sun came up.

The next morning there was another visitor. It was a frog who offered to turn the cottage into a gingerbread house in return for a kiss. The girl was, understandably, not at all keen on the idea of kissing a frog – after all, she was a Heroine; she had her standards not to mention a rep. to protect – but, it was better than having the dwarves decide to stop being vegetarian and shove the pigs in the oven.

So she agreed to the deal. The frog turned the cottage into a gingerbread house, and the inhabitants immediately started eating. She kissed the frog who promptly turned into a prince (Cue romantic music)! He explained that he had been chasing after a girl with long long hair who lived in a tower with no doors, but he had stayed out after midnight and got turned into a pumpkin. His fairy godmother had tried to turn him back but the best she could manage so far was a frog.

Just as they rode off into the sunset and it looked like they would Live Happily Ever After (Cue really cheesy romantic music), they fell down a rabbit hole and had tea with a mad hatter and played croquet with a crazy woman who kept yelling 'Off with her head!' until they found a magic lamp and the flying monkeys took them away and…

But that's another story…