Girl

Summary: Even with supportive families, society does not view girls who were designated male at birth very kindly. Miyu Shinohara was one of those girls who learned this the hard way. (A series of drabbles written for a tumblr roleplaying blog. AU ignoring Musume's canon. The drabbles on this blog are not necessarily written in order. Multiple trigger warnings related to transphobia, bullying, and suicide will be present.)

Author's note: Wow, I can't believe I'm actually submitting this here! I don't really write for anymore, haven't in a few years. But, I really wanted to share this with anyone who would be interested.

First of all, I'd like to thank you for taking interest in my work. My name is Lulu, proud owner of a Miyu Shinohara roleplaying blog (kisaragisportsqueen) on tumblr! For the past several months, I have fleshed out my muse for this character who holds a very special place in my heart: her struggles, her personality, how she reacts...

I despise Musume. As a trans woman myself, I cannot stand the fetishization regarding Miyu in-text and how she's written as more of a ~*~qt trap~*~ than a transgender girl. So as time has gone on, I have fleshed out my interpretation of Miyu Shinohara greatly.

Please understand that this is heavily AU in it's own right. It completely ignores Musume's canon, and serves as a kind of backstory for my interpretation of Miyu. A Miyu Shinohara who struggles greatly with suicidal depression, but nontheless is every bit as devoted to her friends and brave as she was shown to be in Musume. These dabbles will be of varying length, and are not read by a beta: I write these usually in one long marathon. They might not necessarily be in order either, as this is not necessarily a proper story, but simply a collection of these drabbles, starting with Miyu's realization to her meeting the Kisaragi Nine. This first drabble however is almost entirely based on her flashback in Chapter 5.5 of Musume.

I do hope you enjoy! As a transgender woman myself, the writing of transgender characters is something of incredible importance to me, and I enjoy writing these immensely: even when they are very depression. Feel free to let me know what you think!

Drabble #1: Girl

Drabble summary: "It's like I've become a girl in body and soul..." and in that moment, Shinohara Shisui ceased to exist.

She honestly couldn't believe she had gone out of her way to buy these.

Shinohara Shisui grumbled to herself, sitting down on her bed, looking at the single pair of panties she had bought. She was usually so courageous (to anything that wasn't related to being public about gender), but just buying these made her feel like she'd have a heart attack. Hell, she even sought out a store she knew she'd never return to for it.

What am I even doing?

The idea of 'being a girl' was one Shisui had been experimenting with for a few months, now.

She had been too nervous to approach anyone face to face about it, but hey: thank God for the digital age.

'Transgender' was the world she found most often when looking these things up.

It… certainly made sense, the more she read about it. Honestly, it felt like things about gender was what she was reading the most nowadays. Her dad had even commented on her not playing football with her friends as much as she used to after school. Just studying for tests! had been her excuses for a while: thankfully neither of her parents looked too deep into it other than grumbling about how "kids need time to relax and play," while criticizing her teachers: she actually felt a little bad about it.

She bit on her lip as she put her hair into pigtails: something she only did in the comfort of her own room.

"Pigtails are always cute, Miyu!"

That was something said by a stranger in a chatroom she never spoke to again. She briefly recalled it, the first time she spoke about this kind of stuff with somebody else: actually "talk," not just read what was already online. It wasn't until she was actually logged into the chat she realized she didn't set an actual nickname for herself.

And just like that, scramblign to come up with a handle and remembering a name she had heard on TV, Miyu became her new online handle.

Shisui sighed, lying on her bed and looking at the pair of panties. These feelings of gender only became intense the past few months: sure, when she was little she sometimes got curious about "girly" things, but… that was just curiosity, right? If she was actually transgender, surely she would have known about this for ages now?

And here she was, buying… these, to prove something to herself.

"What am I doing, wasting my money like this…?" she asked out loud, looking at the pair of panties in her hand. She would put them on once, she decided. Just to prove things to herself. She was just a boy who probably enjoyed really feminine things. Maybe she'd crossdress a bit here and there in private: but this'd be the end of her curiosity, right? This one silly, dumb little thing. Then she'd go back to hanging out with her friends again, talking about girls, getting dates, the things boys were supposed to do…

It took a few minutes to realize she was stalling.

"… Well… a-alright…"

She spent another few minutes just staring at the pair of panties before dropping her pajama pants, sighing. "Just… get this over with.."

It was silky: she splurged on herself, honestly. So stupid, splurging on something you'd never actually use...

Well, it was now or nothing, right?

For how long she hesitated, she put them on quickly, and…

…

…

"… Ah… I… I feel…" she was talking out loud without even realizing it, looking down at herself.

What is this feeling? she thought to herself, gasping for a moment. Sure, it was comfortable, but… there was something more to this. Hell, how comfy was barely registering. Something felt right about this. Very… right.

She gasped, her eyes starting to water.

It felt natural. Second nature. Like it was what she was meant to wear. But not because it was comfy and she was just a boy who wanted to wear something comfortable, for another reason.

Looking at herself in the mirror, tears started falling down her face. She brought a hand to her mouth, a sob making it's way through. A billion thoughts started racing through her mind at that moment. It was more intense than just being restless with her ADHD as normal: curling her toes to stim did nothing either.

She spent a few minutes like that, crying a bit more, as her mind finally relaxed. And she stared into her eyes in the mirror, those eyes staring abck at her.

"… I… I'm a girl."

Time felt like it stood still as she repeated to herself a few more times. She talked to herself, watching her reflection talk back.

"I… I'm a girl? … You're a girl… i'm… absolutely, definitely not a boy. You sure? Yeah, no doubt… I… I…"

Oh my God, I'm a girl.