Gif #: 7
Word Count: 5721
Pairing: Edward/Bella
Summary: Edward Cullen had it all as the football team's captain- the admiration and respect from his peers, as well as the love of his longtime girlfriend- until one day his life changed completely. A story about a boy hiding his tears behind his smile, told through journal entries, flashbacks and locker notes. AH/AU; rated M for language and adult situations.
Warnings: This story is not Wussperv friendly. At all. If you are a Wussperv,don't walk, run.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer once wrote a saga, and then another lady ripped her off and became a millionaire. I promise not to do that, because these are her characters, but I can't promise that I won't bruise your heart with a little angst. After all, you know you want to get hurt.
-Boys Don't Cry-
So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to lie about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Because boys don't cry
I would tell you
That I love you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know it's no use
That you've already gone
Gone away
Boys Don't Cry, The Cure
=Edward=
I enter my room and look around, sighing as my gaze falls upon my desk.
My sanctuary.
Scattered books, a desk lamp and stacked notebooks take residence there, along with my confined secrets. Tossing my backpack on my bed, I walk over to my desk and pull out my chair to sit.
I take a minute to gain composure, closing my eyes to initiate my count to ten which helps calm my fast-beating heart.
One…
Two…
Three…
I stop and take a deep breath; in through my mouth, out through my nose.
Four…
Five…
Six…
As I open my eyes, my hands reach for a black notebook -my personal journal- along with my red pencil case. Opening it, I take out a black pen, a yellow highlighter and an additional red pen.
Seven…
Eight…
I flip the pages in my journal and find the latest entry I wrote. It was three days ago; September 10th, 2010.
Nine…
I remember Friday so clearly. It was also a difficult day, but not as much as today.
My anxiety builds up and I don't even finish my countdown, jotting down the date and my thoughts on the sky-blue lines of my notebook.
September 13th, 2010
Mondays are usually hard for anyone, especially for a student as myself. Sleeping in during the weekend causes one not to want to get up in the morning, yet I dreaded it much more because today brings back so many memories.
Bella's birthday… Our anniversary.
And as soon as I saw her this morning, after arriving at school, my heart broke even more while these two important dates swirled on repeat in my head.
Bella was with Jacob. She was with him and she was laughing. And she looked so happy- happier than she ever looked with me.
Fisting my hair in my hands, I stop. My tear-filled eyes blur everything in front of me, impeding me to continue. Writing these words tears me apart, but not writing them would hurt me more, so after a minute has passed, I resume my entry.
She was wearing a yellow sundress- which is sort of ironic considering that we live in the Pacific Northwest and it is always overcast- but she was wearing it nonetheless. She looked so beautiful… I think it was her smile.
Bella looks lovely when she smiles.
Her hair was up and she wore light make-up, which is something regular nowadays. I remember when she only wore lip-gloss and that didn't last long on her because I was always kissing it off her lips.
Bella's so different from when we were together, and even though it shouldn't surprise me given that she changed so much since then, it still makes me feels as if I really didn't know her at all.
And that's what haunts and taunts me, sometimes even in my sleep.
I close my eyes as I take another deep breath, trying to cease the vivid flashes of past nightmares from engraining themselves behind my eyes and mind once again. Instead, I inflict myself a different kind of pain, reminiscing about the last time I saw her wearing a dress.
.
.
.
"Alice is going to kill you," I told Bella. "She is going to be furious that you're wearing your black chucks with the dress she gave you."
"No, she won't," she chuckled, raising her brow in defiance. "I already agreed to wear this dreadful, green dress and I'm going to the dreadful birthday party that she's forcing me to attend, so she can't give me shit for wearing my favorite shoes."
It was my turn to chuckle. "She's a fashionista, Bella; of course she'll give you shit for wearing them."
"Fuck, you're right," Bella grumbled, walking toward me and wrapping her arms around my waist. She leaned her chin on my chest and looked up at me as I wrapped my arms around her. "But you're gonna protect me from her wrath, right, baby?"
Placing a small kiss on her forehead, I whispered against her skin, "I will try to do my best, but don't forget that she's my sister and we do live under the same roof, so…"
"Traitor!" she accused. "I'm your girlfriend, so don't you forget that."
"I'll never forget it, baby. My sister could never kiss me like this," I said, before parting her lips with my tongue and kissing her languidly. Bella threaded her fingers in the hair at the base of my neck, moaning gently into my mouth. My grip around her waist tightened, pressing her closer to me as we continued kissing. At that precise moment, Alice and her boyfriend, Jasper, approached us.
Alice gasped and then exclaimed, "Bella, how dare you wear those shoes with that dress? You have butchered all the hard work I put into that outfit."
Pulling away from her lips, I smiled. "Told you," I murmured, taunting her.
Bella turned in my arms, facing my sister. "It's my birthday, Alice, so I get to do what I want, okay?" she retorted, leaning back against me.
"But you're supposed to look nice for your birthday party, Bella!" Alice whined.
"A birthday party that you organized without my consent, and to which I already agreed to go, so why not let me be happy with my favorite shoes?"
Jasper smirked, holding my sister's hand and pulling her to him. "Bella's right, Ali. Just let her wear the shoes." He leaned down and whispered in her ear. "Besides, she's wearing the cardigan you suggested and she combed her hair."
"I heard that, Jasper," Bella countered. "And what do you mean 'I combed my hair'? I always comb my hair."
"I think what he means, baby," I said, holding her tighter, "is that you styled it."
"Oh," Bella muttered, blushing. I assumed it was from embarrassment, in view of the fact that she had actually put some effort into looking presentable for the evening.
"Yes," Jasper agreed. "That's what I meant, B." He looked at me. "Thanks for the translation, Paul Mitchell."
"Whatever, dude," I grumbled. "I live with Alice, so that shit rubs off on me, y'know?"
"Yeah, a lot, I'd say," he added. "If I didn't know you were so in love with Bella, I'd actually be convinced that you like men."
"Well, he definitely doesn't," Bella scoffed. "I know that for a fact."
"Ew," Alice said, grimacing. "No talking about my little brother's sex life, guys. That's just wrong." She turned and pulled Jasper along with her. "Let's get going; everyone's waiting for us at the restaurant."
Bella nodded, silently walking ahead of me as we headed to my car. I opened her door and then walked over to the driver's side, sliding into my seat afterward. Looking over at Bella, I noticed that she was fiddling with her hands in her lap.
I turned in my seat to face her, lifting her chin with my thumb and forefinger. "What's the matter, baby?" I asked, concerned.
She looked into my eyes as she bit down on her bottom lip before quickly diverting her gaze. "I'm just really nervous," she sighed. "I mean, Alice organized a dinner party for me, and although it's just family and friends, Emmett is bringing his girlfriend Rosalie, and she's like the most beautiful girl ever, so even if I wear these clothes and fix my hair - which makes me really uncomfortable- I will never compare to her."
"That's nonsense," I said, cupping her cheek and gazing into her eyes. "You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." Softly, I kissed her, and then whispered, "I love you, Isabella Swan."
Bella grinned shyly. "And I love you, Edward Cullen."
.
.
.
That was two years ago, when Bella turned sixteen, and things were obviously different. Back then, we were a happy couple and everything seemed perfect. I was the star quarterback in the varsity football team, and utterly in love with his high school sweetheart.
We'd been dating for three years but we'd known each other since we were kids. I finally declared my love for her through a note in the beginning of our school year in the seventh grade.
I remember spending all night thinking what to write in it, how to give it to her, and yet in the end, I slipped it in her locker. I knew it was a special place for her because she had been so excited about us finally having them in junior high seeing as it gave her a sense of adulthood she had never felt.
The message was short but straight to the point and full of truth: I sure think you're beautiful.
Bella had turned bright red when she read it, biting her lip as she always did when she was nervous. I looked from afar, arms crossed over my chest, as she searched the hallway, looking for whoever had slipped her the note.
.
.
.
Bella sought left and right, and when her gaze finally met mine, I smiled crookedly and walked over to her. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and turned, facing her locker as she switched books and placed the ones she needed for her homework in her backpack.
"Why do anonymous notes make you blush?" I asked, leaning against the row of lockers next to hers. "Is it because they say that you're beautiful?"
Bella gawked at me. "How do you know that?" she asked curiously. "Do you know who wrote it?"
"Oh, I know him," I replied. "He's actually crazy about you, and he'd actually love for you to be his girlfriend."
"Well, what a brave boy he is," she scoffed, "slipping notes instead of asking straightforwardly."
"Maybe he was afraid of your reaction," I countered. "You can't blame him for being frightened, y'know? Everyone's afraid of love."
"Damn, Edward, you're such a hopeless romantic," Bella snorted.
I shrugged. "I can't help it; it's just something that's in me, I guess."
"Yeah, I guess you're right," she sighed.
"So what are you gonna tell him?" I asked. "What are you gonna tell the boy that wrote you the note?"
"If he wants to know, then he has to come and ask me," Bella haughtily responded.
"What if he already did?" I countered.
Bella glowered. "What do you mean 'what if he already did'? How would he…" she trailed off as realization dawned on her. Avoiding my gaze, she slipped her backpack on, and said, "It was you."
I nodded, tensely running a hand through my hair. "Yeah, it was me," I sighed. "So what do you say, Bella?"
She finally looked up at me and smiled sheepishly. "Do you really want me to be your girlfriend?"
"Yes."
"But we're best friends, Edward," she countered. "Wouldn't that change things between us?"
Shrugging again, I said, "I don't know, but I would rather date someone that I know than someone that I don't."
Bella sighed. "Will you let me think about it?"
"Sure." I grinned timidly. "Take all the time that you need." I really didn't want her to take too long but she was special to me, so I would wait for as long as necessary.
"Okay," she nodded. "I'll let you know."
.
.
.
On her birthday, she finally agreed to be my girlfriend, commencing a new chapter in our lives. We spent most of our time together whenever possible and we'd go to the movies on the weekends, or hang out at each other's house. Our parents didn't know at first that we were dating since we hid it very well by slipping notes in our lockers instead of making phone calls that would give us away. Hidden kisses and clasped hands had to do for almost two years while we maintained our charade of simply being friends.
Sometimes I doubt if they didn't already know and yet never told us anything until I finally found the courage to ask Charlie for his permission to date Bella. He'd been hesitant at first, alleging that Bella would probably lower her grades if she started thinking about boys at such a young age, making me confess the truth. Bella was grounded for it afterward, limiting her from going on dates with me, which made the summer before our freshman year of high school the longest summer yet in our lives.
It was a little easier to be apart from each other because I was so busy with football practice, getting ready for tryouts when school finally started. It paid off though, since I became the junior varsity's quarterback, and the following year, I made it in the varsity team. I had been so nervous when I tried out my second year, but Bella had calmed my nerves by leaving me a special note in my locker on the big day.
I actually kept it in my gym locker for good luck in future games.
The note said:
You're gonna rock the tryouts, baby!
I love you.
B.
For a long time, I believed that Bella's faith in me was what got me through the tough times because I was definitely not fit for that position. It was mainly obvious it had been handed down to me since my older brother, Emmett, had been the star quarterback in Forks High. I wouldn't resent that, though, because far away games meant more time alone for Bella and me.
Things got better when I finally got my license and my parents bought me a car, which became our conspirator for sneaky encounters. Bella and I would go the forest and spend hours in its backseat, talking or making out like the hormonal teenagers we are. I was almost sure that our first time would be in there, too, although it wasn't in the car itself but in a meadow that we'd found on a trip and marked as ours.
Our future encounters were limited since we didn't really have any privacy, yet we always took advantage of the random times we could be alone.
.
.
.
"Are you sure about this?" I anxiously asked, as Bella pulled over her shirt. We were in her room, on her bed, and she was straddling my lap. Her hands moved to my shoulders, pushing me down to lie on the mattress.
"Yes," she panted, leaning over and kissing me firmly.
I groaned, yet pulled away reluctantly. "What about your dad?" He was the Chief of Police after all, so there was a major possibility that he could shoot me. Or kill me. Or just shoot my genitals off.
"He's at work, working a double shift," she hesitantly replied. Just as I was about to speak, she quieted my words with another deep kiss.
Needing more information, though, I broke away, and questioned, "What about your mom?"
Bella sighed, sitting up as she glared at me. "I already told you that she went to the spa when I called you."
"I know that, but what if she comes back early?"
"She won't; she's all the way in Seattle, so it'll be awhile before she gets back."
"Really?" I asked excitedly.
"Yes," she chuckled. "That's why I called you."
"Oh," I mumbled. "I can't believe she left you unsupervised for such a long time."
"She didn't," Bella chuckled. "She actually thinks that I'm at Angela's house, studying for our English final, but Angela dropped me off after we told her mom that we were going to the library to do some research."
She began nipping a path from my neck to my ear, trying to distract me.
"And where's Angela now?" I asked, as she grinded herself against my lap.
"I don't know where she went with her boyfriend."
"So, Angela's with Ben right now?" I inquired.
"Yes," she grumbled. "So why are we still talking?"
"Because I'm a paranoid fucker?" I teased.
Bella laughed wholeheartedly, twisting her hands around my neck before her tongue parted my lips. My fingers deftly unclasped her bra at the center of her back before sliding its straps down her arms, revealing her breasts to me.
I licked my lips, looking at her hungrily as she stood and ordered me to remove my clothes as she did her own. When we were both nude, she straddled my lap again and kissed me passionately.
Trying to push her over to settle between her legs, Bella protested. "Wait, I want to try something new," she said. "If it's okay, I want to be on top this time."
It was more than okay; it was every guy's dream come true, yet I asked, "Are you sure? You don't have to, baby."
She sighed nervously, "I know."
"Okay." I placed a soft kiss against her lips. "We can give it a try, but if you feel uncomfortable, we can stop."
Bella grinned, nodding her head before leaning in and parting my lips with her tongue. My hands cupped her face as hers entwined in my hair, grabbing fistfuls as she grinded herself on my lap. Capturing my groan in her mouth, she lowered us on the bed, gazing into my eyes without withdrawing from our kiss.
Pushing her hair away from her face, I seared the memory within me forever. Bella closed her eyes in concentration as she shifted and leaned forward, placing her hands on each side of my head. I snaked my hands between us, aligning her with my hardness, and in one soft thrust, I entered her slowly.
When I was fully inside, she exhaled shakily, "Oh, God."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah," she gulped. "It's just… you're… Fuck, you're so deep like this."
"I know," I exhaled. "I can feel it, too."
After a deep breath, she began rocking above me, swirling her hips in a circular motion. I gripped her hips and pushed up into her, meeting her downward movements. We moved slowly in synch for what seemed like an eternity until I couldn't take it anymore.
Sitting up, I rocked into her, anchoring her to me by her shoulders. Bella moaned, twisting her hands in my hair as her body shook. Knowing she was close to release, I thrust deeper, hitting her g-spot as I drove into her.
Bella tightened her grip on my hair as she clenched around my cock, coming hard as I followed right after her.
I smiled as I gazed into her eyes. "I love you," I told her.
"I love you, too," she sighed, smiling back at me.
.
.
.
That's when everything was great between us, but it all changed the summer prior to our junior year when Jacob Black entered our lives. He was a new student at Forks High that had moved from Seattle, and was the star athlete at his former school. The day he showed up at football practice, it was glaringly obvious that my time as the captain was over. Not only was Jacob better at football, but he also had the perfect body-build for it as well.
When we hit the field for tryouts, Jake put me to shame; I didn't even have to check the roster to know that he was the new quarterback. I had no idea then that losing my position in the team was just one of the many things that I would lose.
.
.
.
Letting out a frustrated sigh, I closed my book and tossed it to the side. There was no point in pretending to study; my concentration was somewhere else entirely. I was almost sure that I'd be failing my trigonometry exam and probably even the class as well.
Bella smiled deviously, walking over to my desk and sitting on it between my legs. "I know what you need." She leaned into me and tried to kiss me but I brushed her off.
"I'm not in the mood right now, Bella," I grumbled.
"Why am I not fucking amused?" she muttered sarcastically. "You're never in mood lately."
Fisting my hair in my hands, I exhaled shakily. "You have no idea what I'm going through right now, okay?"
"Well, maybe if you fucking talked to me I would know," Bella barked. "You're always closed off to everyone, especially me. I'm not a fucking mind reader, y'know. How the hell am I supposed to know what's going on, Edward?"
If I tell you, you'll leave me, I thought but said instead, "I already tried talking to you once about it and you cut me off."
"Is this about not making the team, Edward?" she incredulously asked. "It's been three fucking months! Get over it already."
How could I possibly get over it when James, a senior at school, teased me about it every chance he got? Or whenever I saw Jake in the halls, wearing the Letterman jacket that I was supposed to wear?
Every day was a sacrifice as I got out of bed and went to school and saw posters announcing future football games and the homecoming dance. It didn't surprise me in the least when Jake was crowned king, and I knew about it not because I had gone, but because James and his crew had made sure that I was aware of it.
"Aren't you gonna hail to the king, Cullen? James sneered. "Jacob Black deserves your curtsies after he overtook your throne, you little bitch."
Not only was school an ordeal, but I also had to put up with the indignity at home. My father was greatly disappointed and he even tried talking to Coach Clapp about giving me back the position but it was futile. Jacob Black was giving him the stats to get to the championship, so of course he'd refused.
To be honest, I didn't even like football; I just knew I had to follow in my brother's steps.
And that was the biggest burden: knowing I had been a failure.
You're not good enough, repeated itself in my mind like a broken record. No one had uttered those words to me, but I could almost imagine people thinking them as they looked at me and I couldn't bear it.
Bella threw my cell phone against the wall, bringing me back to the present. "Don't fucking ignore me, Edward! I'm talking to you!"
I briefly wondered if maybe my parents had heard her but then remembered that they weren't home; she also knew that, so she was taking advantage of it, and not in a good way.
Livid, I turned to her. "Maybe if you stopped yelling at me I would understand what you're saying!"
"Fuck you," she spat, glaring at me. "You know what? Maybe I will stop yelling at you. In fact, I won't even talk to you at all from now on."
I stood up from my chair and walked to her. "What the fuck are you talking about, Bella?"
"I'm done, Edward," she sobbed, shaking her head. "I can't do this anymore."
"You're breaking up with me?" I asked incredulously. "You can't be serious."
"Oh, I'm serious, alright," she gulped. "What am I supposed to do if you won't even talk to me?"
"I already told you it's not like that." I fisted my hair in my hands and exhaled shakily, trying to keep my emotions in check. "How am I supposed to talk to you if you're not interested in what I have to say?"
"Because it's fucking pointless discussing something that you can't do anything about!" she countered. "I can't sit around and wait for you to get your shit together; I've been doing that and it's wearing me down, Edward."
"Fine," I spat angrily. "If that's how you feel, leave then. Go and find yourself another boyfriend; someone who will fucking talk to you."
"Well, maybe I will," she threatened. "Maybe I'll go and ask Jacob Black if he wants to take your place since he's so good at doing that." She turned and exited the room, slamming the door behind her, leaving me speechless and broken.
.
.
.
Nothing was ever the same after Bella left. The days following our fight, she would avoid me at school; she wouldn't even meet my gaze when her eyes met mine in the halls. I actually expected her to call me, to apologize and say that she was sorry, but she never did.
My days were miserable without out her but my nights were even worse. I couldn't sleep, and when I did, nightmares where Bella kissed Jake would startle me awake. I began losing weight because my appetite was gone and when I locked myself in my room, the only thing I consumed was the cheap alcohol I bought at a shady liquor store.
I would break down and cry, mad at everyone and everything, but especially at Bella and Jake since they were to blame for my unhappiness. I damned them both and wished with all my might that God would spare of me of all the pain I felt. But soon I would learn that my agony would only multiply when I found out that Bella had made good on her word: she was dating Jake.
I couldn't really blame him, though; anyone would want to be her boyfriend. Bella was beautiful inside out, and I had seen him talking to her a few times while we were still dating, so I was fully aware that he was interested in her. The only thing that shocked me was that it hadn't even been two months after we'd broken up when Bella started dating him.
Anguish was such a small word for what I felt- it seemed so fucking unfitting. Whenever I saw them together, I smiled, pretending to be unaffected by their relationship, but inside, I was dying. The hardest part of all was keeping everything to myself and not being able to tell anyone what I felt for fear of being seen as weak.
"Boys don't cry," my father told me when I was a child. "Suck it up like a man."
So that's what I did in front of everyone, but when I was alone, it was a different story. Days came and went, and I couldn't find solace in anything and pretty soon, I started missing school. My parents finally found out when Mrs. Cope, the school's principal, arranged a meeting with them.
.
.
.
"I can't believe you're being so reckless, Edward!" my father yelled at me from across the room. "You're almost failing all your classes, and if you keep it up, you won't graduate on time."
"I don't care," I muttered, and it was the truth. I could care less if I graduated or not, it wouldn't make a difference in my already miserable life.
"What do you mean you don't care?" he spat angrily. "You've been working so hard to get into college, and you're throwing it all away because Bella left you? That's nonsense."
I glared at him. "You don't know anything."
"Then why don't you tell me, Son?" Dad asked desperately. "I'm at a loss as to what could be the reason for this change if it's not Bella."
"You don't know," I scoffed. "Maybe it has to do with the fact that everyone thinks I'm such a disappointment, so why not live up to that?"
My father looked at me, bewildered. "What are you talking about?"
"You want me to spell it out for you, Dad?" I spat. "You want me to tell you how it feels knowing that I let you down because I couldn't make the team this year?"
My father gasped. "Is that what this is about, Son? I have never been upset over that."
I chuckled darkly. "Really? That's not the impression I got when you called Coach Clapp."
"I called him because I thought that's what you wanted," he told me. "I only did it for you, Edward. I wanted you to be happy and I obviously failed."
"Why didn't you tell me that? Why would you let me beat myself up about it? Why?" I accused.
"I had no idea you felt that way. Why didn't you talk to me about it?" he retorted.
"I don't know… I just…" I trailed off, closing my eyes briefly. "You were so proud of Emmett, Dad. I wanted you to be proud me, too."
He crossed the room and stood before me. "I have always been proud of you, Son. And I'll always support whatever you decide to do with your life, but don't waste it away."
Looking up at him, I sighed. "I feel so lost, Dad," I confessed. "I don't know what do."
.
.
.
My parents didn't know, but they figured it out. The first thing they did after speaking with my guidance counselor was set up an appointment with a psychiatrist. They all insisted that I needed to talk to someone, and that maybe a professional might be able to help me since I didn't feel comfortable talking to them.
I didn't want to concede at first, but after Emmett and Alice talked to me, I finally gave in. I went to an appointment and met Jackson, who is now my personal therapist, but also my friend. He's the one that suggested that I write my feelings in a journal, which is what I was doing.
I looked back at the last line that I wrote before I got lost in my memories and read:
And that's what haunts and taunts me, sometimes even in my sleep.
I grabbed my red pen and scratched it out.
And that's what haunts and taunts me, sometimes even in my sleep.
A knock at the door startled me, bringing me out of my stupor. Emmett stood behind my door once I opened it.
"What's up?" I asked.
"A girl is downstairs asking for you; she says her name is Jessica."
"Jessica Stanley is here? How odd."
I made my way down the stairs and found her fidgeting as she held a notebook. "Hey, Jess, what's up?"
"I just came by to drop off you the notes I took in Banner's class. We're having a test tomorrow, and since you left early I thought you might need them."
I took them and smiled at her. "Thanks, Jess; that was really nice of you."
"Okay," she said as she picked up her backpack. "I'll see you around tomorrow."
"Sure," I said, walking her to the door.
When we were alone again, Emmett asked. "You doing okay?"
"Yeah, I was freaking out a little earlier, but I'm much better now."
"Lemme know if there's anything I can do, lil' bro."
"Will do," I say before heading back to my room.
When I enter, I go back to my desk and add a last line to my entry:
Maybe it's time for a change. It think it's enough that I let Bella haunt me this way.
.
.
.
I did change, and because of that, I am waiting for Jess outside the bathrooms at the end of the hall; we came together to the Winter Formal in a matching red dress and tie.
"Why did you bring her here, Edward?" a familiar voice asked, startling me.
"Excuse me?" I asked, turning around and facing Bella.
"Why are you doing this to me?" she seethed.
I shook my head. "What are you talking about?"
Bella fisted her hands at her sides. "Is this about getting back at me? You know that I don't like her."
It was true; Bella had never concealed her aversion for Jessica, claiming that Jess had always been pining over me since we were kids, and that was also true.
"Why does everything have to be about you?" I spat. "Besides, why should you care? You're here with Jacob."
"Is that all you have to say?" she asked.
Shaking my head, I sighed. "No, Bella, I have nothing to say to you. It's been a year since you walked out of my life, and now, out of the blue, you expect me to give you explanations of what I do with my life?"
Bella gulped, trying to reign in the tears that were gathering in her eyes. "Why didn't you fight back, Edward? Why didn't you go after me?"
"How could you expect me to do that after you left me so fucking broken? Of all the things you could have told me before you parted, you chose the one thing that devastated me- the one thing that nearly killed me; because that's what you did."
"I'm sorry," Bella muttered, closing her eyes. "I wish I could take it back, but I can't."
"No; you can't. And you have no right to interfere in my life, so why won't you leave me alone?"
Opening her eyes and gazing at me, she said, "I can't… I love you."
"You love me, but you're with Jacob?"
"I don't love him," Bella simply said, as if that explained everything, yet it didn't.
I sighed. "Well that's too bad because I don't love you anymore."
"Do you love her?" she sniffled. "Did she finally take my place?"
"Nobody will ever be able to take your place, Bella, but you hurt me, and I will never forget that." I pointed to my head. "I might forget it here, but," I pointed to my heart, "I will never forget it here."
"I'm sorry," she repeated.
"I am, too," I sighed, turning to walk away and go find Jessica, but she was already there, standing behind me.
"I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I wanted to make sure you were going to be okay," she explained.
"It's fine," I said. "Don't worry about it."
"What are you gonna do now?" she asked, walking over to me.
I smiled ruefully. "I don't know, Jess, but I know that I'm done crying over her."