Chapter 1: Introduction
Your name is Karkat Vantas. You are packing to go to your new college dorm with your best friend, Sollux Captor.
"Sollux, What the fuck is all this shit?" You stare at the pile of boxes sitting by the front door. Sollux has stacked at least twenty boxes on the sidewalk. Most are labeled as "Codiing 2hiit". He saunters out with two more.
"2hut up, kk. Ii need thii2 2tuff for my codiing". You glare at him and then grab your single box of necessary items and go to the car.
"You are not bringing all that worthless bullshit technology to the dorm!" You slam the door and toss your box in the backseat. Despite your argument, Sollux begins loading all his stuff into the trunk of your black Honda Civic. Finally, once all the boxes are loaded, he gets in the passenger seat and you can leave your old apartment behind. You rev the engine and speed away.
Good riddance. You hated that disgusting shit apartment. Not that some crammed college dorm was going to be much better.
You are Sollux Captor and this drive is taking way too long. It's been about an hour since you left the apartment, and the trip isn't even half way over. You press your cheek against the window and listen to Karkat scream at other drivers and honk every five seconds. You've gotten used to his constant road rage, being his roommate for a year.
"Move the fuck over fuckass! I'm trying to drive here! Jegus what the fuck is your problem you insignificant excuse for a driver!" The car ahead has some dumbass with a cape who obviously has no idea what he is doing. He swerves left and right on the road, punching at the guy in his passenger seat. They seem to be going the same way as you because they always stay directly in front of your car, which by the way is a low-grade piece of shit starter car. Not high-tech at all.
You'd rather be driving one of those sweet concept cars you always see in magazines.
"KK, how much further now? II'm gettiing hungry". He rants angrily about how cape-wearing idiots shouldn't be allowed to drive cars.
"Hell if I know, this fucktard is going five miles below the speed limit! Drive dumbass!" He compliments his anger with a few violent honks on the steering wheel.
You are Eridan Ampora and you are driving furiously down the road with this annoying clown who constantly honks his ass off. How irritating!
"Gam, wwill you just shut up for fivve seconds!" You shout while punching Gamzee in the shoulder, which you pathetically fail at. Then, there's this land-dweller behind you just shouting and babbling on about something that you could care less about. You take a closer look to examine who those pests are... Oh fuck no! Those two! Why them?
Out of all the days in a sweep, It had to be this one! Hm. Well whatever. You decide to mess with them. You swerve around, stop at random times, and slow down about five miles below the speed limit.
It seems that Karkat is getting upset and flipping his shit in their sexy ass car. Wait, scratch that. They're lower bloods. Anything they drive is just off-the-cliff lame. Then, you look over and see Sollux just sitting there, looking out the window while Karkat rages on.
Oh, what a wonderful kismesis he would be, and what a gorgeous caliginous quadrant you could have with him. You can just imagine it no-
"HoNk", Your clown pal blurts out.
"Gam! Shut up! You're ruining my fantasy moment here!"
You are now Gamzee Makara and you are in a car with your fishy bro. You needed a lift to your new cool place that humans call a dorm, which is located on this huge motherfuckin' hive that human beings come to live and learn in. It was a two-for-one deal that you couldn't refuse. Your pal seems to have a strange-looking face that makes you think he's imagining something wrong. You then honk, like you usually do, to get his attention.
He snaps out of his trance and begins to yell at you. You sort of tune him out and stare at his face blankly. Honk again for us.
"HoNk", You repeat.
"Gam! Shut! Your! Blowwhole!" Eridan shouts while stupidly flailing his arms like a fish out of water. Oh, hey! You notice your friends from the rear view mirror. There's your best motherfuckin' friend, Karkat.
He seems to be enraged, like always. How funny he looks. You decide to see what's up with your pal. You take out your phone and pester your chum for some amusement of your time.
You are Dave Strider. You have no idea what the fuck is happening. Amidst the confusion of a hardcore strife, a crowd has gathered all around. All you're trying to do is draw up some ironic comics, but these two ignoramuses are battling in your close vicinity. With a sigh, you shove your way through the crowd to leave the picnic area.
You head back into your totally awesome dorm that you have all to yourself. The floor is free of any plush, cuddly asses, unlike your old place back in Texas. Now it's just you, your sweet turntables, a piece of shit computer, and your bed. Your pesterchum is going off, so you plop down and take a look at the screen. Egbert is pestering up a storm.
-EctoBiologist [EB] began pestering TurntechGodhead [TG] at 5:27-
EB: Dave!
EB: Oh my gosh, Dave!
EB: I'm freaking out here!
TG: Sup Egbert.
TG: What's got you all flustered this time?
EB: Dave! I'm moving to the same college as you!
EB: It's gonna be awesome!
TG: ...
EB: What?
EB: Dave? Are you still there?
EB: Dave?
- TurtechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering EctoBiologist [EB] at 5:34 -
You curse inwardly. You 'accidentally' unplugged your computer in your surprise, which of course cut you off from your conversation. Egbert was coming there. As in, to you. Your best derpy little bro was coming to live in the same dorm as you. There was planning to be done.
You are John Egbert. You stare at your computer screen. Dave has mysteriously logged off without telling you how ironic it would be when you got to the dorm. Oh well, you could chat later. Right now, you have packing to do.
You go about your room, grabbing all your awesome pranking materials. A mastermind disguise, fake arms, and a joy-buzzer. You have more, but it is already carefully packed into a big sturdy box. There, last one. Now you can drag the clunky hunks of cardboard downstairs to the car where your dad is waiting.
After loading your stuff into the trunk, you hop into the car and your dad drives you to your new school, Farwood College. It's a boy-only campus, not far from where you live. After an hour and a half of driving, you arrive at your new home. Dad helps you bring your boxes up to your room. It's empty, except for a desk and a couple of beds accompanied by nightstands.
You put your clothes in the left closet and your bed stuff on the left bed. Left is lucky. You stash all your pranking stuff in the nightstand. Satisfied, you settle down to review your schedule. This was going to be an awesome year.
(To Be Continued) (We promise...) (maybe)