A/N: This songfic takes place during the Soul Society arc, while Rukia is awaiting execution. I used the song "These Things I'll Never Say" By Avril Lavigne. I've had it stuck in my head for DAYS and just had to do something with it. It's Renji's POV.
Disclaimer: Don't own Bleach or Avril.
I'm tugging at my hair,
I'm pulling at my clothes,
I'm trying to keep my cool, I know it shows.
I was standing in the middle of my room, not exactly sure what to do. I was pacing back and forth, and about every thirty seconds I would look out the window to see the large white tower of Senzaikyu. Rukia…
I'm staring at my feet,
My cheeks are turning red,
I'm searching for the words inside my headI made a decision; I had to go see her. I was still fully dressed even thought it was the middle of the night. I slipped on my sandals and walked out the door, not bothering to close it. I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breath of the cool night air. I knew exactly what I had to do; it was doing it that was the hard part.
I'm feeling nervous,
Trying to be so perfect,
Because I know you're worth it,
You're worth this.
Yeah…I began to walk, but it was so far away I couldn't help but start running. I don't know why, since I knew I didn't know what I was going to say. I just kept telling myself that I probably wasn't even going to get in, with their being two guards at all times. But I wasn't even really worried about that; I knew I would be able to get in, I was just more worried about what I was going to say.
I finally made it to the bridge before the entrance of Senzaikyu. Rukia was in there, wasting away, and there were only two weeks left… only fourteen days. I hesitated but decided that this might be my only chance. Only chance to tell her…
If I could say what I wanna say,
I'd say I wanna blow you… away,
Be with you every night,
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I wanna see,
I wanna see you go down… on one knee,
Marry me today,
Yes, I'm wishing my life away…
With these things I'll never say.
There weren't any guards posted outside, which was odd. After going through the various security devices that had been set up I was about to call quietly for her… but then something hit me. What if she didn't feel the same way towards me? This would all be for nothing… and then she'd be gone. There would be no time to settle the things between us. I slouched down against the wall near the door, letting my body slide all the way to the floor. I hung my head between my legs and covered it with my hands… I couldn't believe myself.
It don't do me any good,
It's just a waste of time,
What use is it to you what's on my mind?
If it ain't coming out,
We're not going anywhere,
So why can't I just tell you that I care?I pulled myself together. I wasn't crying, just more in shock than anything else. But I felt very close to crying. I stood up and smoothed my robes, then called out softly. "Rukia?"
I made it to the staircase and began to climb. One… Two… Three steps. The sound of my feet against the stone floor seemed to set the beat for my heart. As I began to climb faster, my heard began to beat faster, and it wasn't because I was getting warn out. It was because I was scared and nervous.
I'm feeling nervous,
Trying to be so perfect,
Because I know you're worth it,
You're worth it.
Yeah…About halfway up the tower I found her. She had fallen sleep while looking out the window towards Sokyoku Hill. She had dried tears on her face, which meant she was crying. I didn't want to wake her and thought I should come back in the morning, when she would be awake.
If I could say what I wanna say,
I'd say I wanna blow you… away,
Be with you every night,
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I wanna see,
I wanna see you go down… on one knee,
Marry me today,
Yes, I'm wishing my life away…
With these things I'll never say.
I wondered vaguely what she was dreaming about. I sat down beside her and watched her sleep. She looked so peaceful while she was sleeping, so beautiful… it almost made me cry, how they could take someone like this out of the world. I realized then that it was now or never; if I didn't tell her now, I would never get a chance to.
I was about to reach for her shoulder to wake her up when her lips began moving. She was sleep-talking, but what she said stopped me dead in my tracks. "Ichigo…" I stood up and looked at her. There was no way I could tell her now. I turned to go.
"R-Renji…?" The clanking of my sandals on the tile must have woken her.
"Rukia," I said, trying to keep all emotion out of my voice.
"What are you doing here?" She asked sleepily, rubbing her eyes.
"Just wanted to see how you were doing," I replied. "I'll miss you, Rukia."
Before she got a chance to reply I turned around and began to run down the stairs, as fast as I could. I was out the door and into the cold night air once again before I even knew it.
What's wrong… with my tongue?
These words keep slipping away,
I stutter, I stumble,
Like I've got nothing to say…
Cuz I'm feeling nervous,
Trying to be perfect,
Cuz I know you're worth it,
You're worth it,
Yeah…There was nothing I could tell her now, and I knew it. She had already chosen that orange-haired human boy over me. There was no other explanation for it. During her time on earth, she had fallen in love with him. There was no more room for me in her heart…
Yes, I'm wishing my life away…
With these things I'll never say…There was so much I had to tell her, but she had made her choice. I wanted to tell her, I wanted to her to know, but it was too late. I had loved her, and I knew I loved her, ever since I had met her. I had thought I had all the time in the world to tell her, and now… I had wasted the time I had. There was nothing left to do.
If I could say what I wanna say,
I'd say I wanna blow you… away,
Be with you every night,
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I wanna see,
I wanna see you go down… on one knee,
Marry me today,
Yes, I'm wishing my life away…
With these things I'll never say…
These things I'll never say…
So many things I'll never get to tell her. So many things I'll never get to say.