Title: At Peace - Post Scene to "The Price of Nobility" (1/1)
Author: Lynne Facella
Category: Drama/Angst
Email: lynne1919@aol.com
Spoilers: Through the end of Season Four
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of John Wells and Edward Allen Bernero. I wish they were mine but unfortunately they're not.
Summary: Ty tries to cope with the tragedy.
Notes: This episode just saddened me so much. I needed to get this out of me before I could even think of sleeping.
******
She's okay...she's okay...she's okay...
Ty kept thinking it to himself, over and over again as he walked the dark streets, his footsteps echoing loudly on the pavement. He wasn't sure why he was doing it. He knew it wasn't true. Alex was far from okay...she would never be okay again. But he still couldn't seem to get a grasp on what had happened. He knew it in his head, but...somehow it just wasn't connecting with his heart. He was afraid to let it...afraid his heart would break when the full impact of what had happened reached it.
It was obvious that Sully was worried about him. He'd seen the concerned glances his partner had been giving him in the RMP when they finally left the hospital to return to the station. He hadn't been able to talk about it though. It was much too soon...the pain much too raw... He'd left his car at the precinct. He'd needed to just walk, to try to sort out his thoughts at least a little bit before he went home.
Ty walked for a long time before he finally arrived at his building and slowly made his way up to the apartment he shared with Carlos. He hesitantly put his key into the lock and opened the door. "Carlos?" he called softly as he stepped inside the apartment, looking around for any evidence that his roommate was home. There was no answer...only silence. He wasn't sure if he was sad or relieved. He supposed a little of both. He didn't really want to talk about what happened, but he didn't want to be alone either. He hadn't felt this way in such a long time...not since the night his father had been killed. He had just turned twelve only days before and he had lain in his bed, thinking about death, trying to fathom that his father would never be there for him again, would never walk or talk, watch a movie, play a game... It was how he felt now. Alex would never smile her teasing little smile again. She would never help someone in need. She would never go out with the guys for a beer. She would never dance or joke or laugh. Her voice had been forever silenced. He absolutely could not bear the thought that this had happened to her, that she was lying cold and alone in the morgue at the hospital. He shuddered at the thought of it and he wasn't ashamed to admit that he felt afraid...afraid of the night...afraid of his thoughts...
He went into the living room and sat down on the couch, but was up again after only a few minutes. He started to pace around the apartment, unsure of what to do with himself. Sleep was out of the question. At that moment, he felt like he would never be able to sleep again. He wasn't sure exactly what real purpose the pacing was serving though. Maybe he was just trying to outrun the memories. He seemed to be doing pretty well with it too, until his eyes settled on the lamp. Alex had laughed at it the day she had helped him and Carlos move into the apartment. She had thought it was ugly. "You are definitely not gay," she'd said as she'd laughed at his bad taste. He remembered thinking how adorable she had looked, it was the first time he'd ever thought of her in that way.
"Oh God, Alex..." Finally he allowed the tears to come. He'd been trying to hold them back since it happened. He had needed to be strong. Had to be strong for Alex's mom...couldn't let himself break down in front of everyone...didn't want Sully to worry, but now...alone in the apartment, he finally let his emotions go. He sobbed for Alex, for her mom, for her family and colleagues and friends, for everyone who had loved her. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair at all.
Finally, his sobs lessened and eventually stopped altogether. He was left with just an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion and his memories. His relationship with Alex had always been a complicated one. He knew their initial bonding had been because they both lost their dads in the line of duty, but it had grown into so much more. Even now, he wasn't exactly sure what had gone wrong between them. Alex had wanted to keep their relationship a secret at first, but that hadn't lasted long. Kim had found out and Sully and Carlos. He knew that he hadn't been very sure of his feelings and he doubted she was either, but in any case, they'd never really given their relationship a chance. Everything changed after he was shot. Alex had been there, at his bedside, holding his hand. His mom had entered the room and without even thinking, he'd pulled away. He had never really understood why he did it, but afterwards, things had never been the same between them. They hadn't even had an official so-called breakup, hadn't even discussed it. They had just soft of drifted apart from each other. Now, more than ever, he regretted the way he had pulled away from her that day. He just regretted so many things.
"I'm so sorry, Alex," he whispered as he was assaulted by a fresh round of tears. "I'm so sorry..."
******
"Alex!" Ty awoke with a start, his eyes roaming around the room wildly. His chest was tight and he felt like he couldn't breathe. He knew it was just anxiety and he tried to slow his breathing, to calm himself down. Finally, he managed to get himself back under control. He glanced at his wristwatch and saw that he hadn't been asleep for very long at all before he was awakened by the nightmare of what had happened. He could still hear the explosion. He could still see her lying on the ground with that horrified, shocked look in her eyes. He knew he'd never be able to forget that look for as long as he lived. It had been positively haunting. She'd known she was going to die...they had all known... No one deserved a death like that...not Alex...especially not Alex...
God, he wished he could have helped her somehow. He'd just stood there, shell-shocked, not reacting, not doing anything at all. Carlos had been the one... Contrary to what others might have thought, Ty had always known Carlos had a compassionate side. He had seen it in the way Carlos cared for his daughter, but it was never more evident than when Carlos managed to push away the horror of what had happened to go to Alex's side. He'd reassured her, had told her everything would be okay, had done what Ty wished he had been able to do, but couldn't. It was as if he was watching some horrific scene, too appalling for him to even believe it could be true. Before he knew it, she had been whispering her last words. "My mother... tell her it didn't hurt..." Her very last thoughts had been so unselfish...thinking of her mom...not of herself.
Alex's mom...as if the woman hadn't had enough grief... She had already lost her husband. Now she had lost her daughter as well. Ty felt an even deeper sadness as he thought back to when they had finally recovered the body of Alex's father, 233 days after 9-11. This should not have happened. Alex should have lived for many more years. She should have married and had children, a family of her own. She'd given of herself so selflessly and it was the least she deserved. She had always been so good with kids. He knew she would have been a wonderful mother, but now...now she would never get that chance.
He looked up as he heard the sound of a key turning in the lock. Carlos walked into the apartment, his eyes devastated as he met Ty's gaze.
"Hey..." Ty said, trying to sound casual and hopelessly failing. "How are you doing?"
Carlos shrugged as he took a seat on the couch beside Ty. "I'm okay. We were just hanging out in the firehouse...you know..."
"Yeah...yeah I know," Ty nodded. It was what they did, when they lost one of their own. He knew he could have gone over there as well, but he hadn't been up for it. Not yet anyway.
"How about you?" Carlos asked after a few moments of silence. He knew how close Alex and Ty had been at one time, how this had to be affecting him. "You doing okay?"
Ty nodded uncertainly, biting his lip as he looked at his roommate. "Yeah...I..." His face crumpled with emotion and his eyes began to well. "She...she's with her dad now, right, Carlos? She...she's with her father..." It was all he could get out before he started to sob.
Carlos immediately went to comfort Ty, embracing him as his own tears began to fall. "She is, Ty...she's with her dad..." he said, his voice breaking.
It was all they had, the only way to even begin to fill the staggering emptiness inside of them...
They needed to believe that somewhere Alex was with the father she had loved so much and that she was at peace...
Author: Lynne Facella
Category: Drama/Angst
Email: lynne1919@aol.com
Spoilers: Through the end of Season Four
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of John Wells and Edward Allen Bernero. I wish they were mine but unfortunately they're not.
Summary: Ty tries to cope with the tragedy.
Notes: This episode just saddened me so much. I needed to get this out of me before I could even think of sleeping.
******
She's okay...she's okay...she's okay...
Ty kept thinking it to himself, over and over again as he walked the dark streets, his footsteps echoing loudly on the pavement. He wasn't sure why he was doing it. He knew it wasn't true. Alex was far from okay...she would never be okay again. But he still couldn't seem to get a grasp on what had happened. He knew it in his head, but...somehow it just wasn't connecting with his heart. He was afraid to let it...afraid his heart would break when the full impact of what had happened reached it.
It was obvious that Sully was worried about him. He'd seen the concerned glances his partner had been giving him in the RMP when they finally left the hospital to return to the station. He hadn't been able to talk about it though. It was much too soon...the pain much too raw... He'd left his car at the precinct. He'd needed to just walk, to try to sort out his thoughts at least a little bit before he went home.
Ty walked for a long time before he finally arrived at his building and slowly made his way up to the apartment he shared with Carlos. He hesitantly put his key into the lock and opened the door. "Carlos?" he called softly as he stepped inside the apartment, looking around for any evidence that his roommate was home. There was no answer...only silence. He wasn't sure if he was sad or relieved. He supposed a little of both. He didn't really want to talk about what happened, but he didn't want to be alone either. He hadn't felt this way in such a long time...not since the night his father had been killed. He had just turned twelve only days before and he had lain in his bed, thinking about death, trying to fathom that his father would never be there for him again, would never walk or talk, watch a movie, play a game... It was how he felt now. Alex would never smile her teasing little smile again. She would never help someone in need. She would never go out with the guys for a beer. She would never dance or joke or laugh. Her voice had been forever silenced. He absolutely could not bear the thought that this had happened to her, that she was lying cold and alone in the morgue at the hospital. He shuddered at the thought of it and he wasn't ashamed to admit that he felt afraid...afraid of the night...afraid of his thoughts...
He went into the living room and sat down on the couch, but was up again after only a few minutes. He started to pace around the apartment, unsure of what to do with himself. Sleep was out of the question. At that moment, he felt like he would never be able to sleep again. He wasn't sure exactly what real purpose the pacing was serving though. Maybe he was just trying to outrun the memories. He seemed to be doing pretty well with it too, until his eyes settled on the lamp. Alex had laughed at it the day she had helped him and Carlos move into the apartment. She had thought it was ugly. "You are definitely not gay," she'd said as she'd laughed at his bad taste. He remembered thinking how adorable she had looked, it was the first time he'd ever thought of her in that way.
"Oh God, Alex..." Finally he allowed the tears to come. He'd been trying to hold them back since it happened. He had needed to be strong. Had to be strong for Alex's mom...couldn't let himself break down in front of everyone...didn't want Sully to worry, but now...alone in the apartment, he finally let his emotions go. He sobbed for Alex, for her mom, for her family and colleagues and friends, for everyone who had loved her. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair at all.
Finally, his sobs lessened and eventually stopped altogether. He was left with just an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion and his memories. His relationship with Alex had always been a complicated one. He knew their initial bonding had been because they both lost their dads in the line of duty, but it had grown into so much more. Even now, he wasn't exactly sure what had gone wrong between them. Alex had wanted to keep their relationship a secret at first, but that hadn't lasted long. Kim had found out and Sully and Carlos. He knew that he hadn't been very sure of his feelings and he doubted she was either, but in any case, they'd never really given their relationship a chance. Everything changed after he was shot. Alex had been there, at his bedside, holding his hand. His mom had entered the room and without even thinking, he'd pulled away. He had never really understood why he did it, but afterwards, things had never been the same between them. They hadn't even had an official so-called breakup, hadn't even discussed it. They had just soft of drifted apart from each other. Now, more than ever, he regretted the way he had pulled away from her that day. He just regretted so many things.
"I'm so sorry, Alex," he whispered as he was assaulted by a fresh round of tears. "I'm so sorry..."
******
"Alex!" Ty awoke with a start, his eyes roaming around the room wildly. His chest was tight and he felt like he couldn't breathe. He knew it was just anxiety and he tried to slow his breathing, to calm himself down. Finally, he managed to get himself back under control. He glanced at his wristwatch and saw that he hadn't been asleep for very long at all before he was awakened by the nightmare of what had happened. He could still hear the explosion. He could still see her lying on the ground with that horrified, shocked look in her eyes. He knew he'd never be able to forget that look for as long as he lived. It had been positively haunting. She'd known she was going to die...they had all known... No one deserved a death like that...not Alex...especially not Alex...
God, he wished he could have helped her somehow. He'd just stood there, shell-shocked, not reacting, not doing anything at all. Carlos had been the one... Contrary to what others might have thought, Ty had always known Carlos had a compassionate side. He had seen it in the way Carlos cared for his daughter, but it was never more evident than when Carlos managed to push away the horror of what had happened to go to Alex's side. He'd reassured her, had told her everything would be okay, had done what Ty wished he had been able to do, but couldn't. It was as if he was watching some horrific scene, too appalling for him to even believe it could be true. Before he knew it, she had been whispering her last words. "My mother... tell her it didn't hurt..." Her very last thoughts had been so unselfish...thinking of her mom...not of herself.
Alex's mom...as if the woman hadn't had enough grief... She had already lost her husband. Now she had lost her daughter as well. Ty felt an even deeper sadness as he thought back to when they had finally recovered the body of Alex's father, 233 days after 9-11. This should not have happened. Alex should have lived for many more years. She should have married and had children, a family of her own. She'd given of herself so selflessly and it was the least she deserved. She had always been so good with kids. He knew she would have been a wonderful mother, but now...now she would never get that chance.
He looked up as he heard the sound of a key turning in the lock. Carlos walked into the apartment, his eyes devastated as he met Ty's gaze.
"Hey..." Ty said, trying to sound casual and hopelessly failing. "How are you doing?"
Carlos shrugged as he took a seat on the couch beside Ty. "I'm okay. We were just hanging out in the firehouse...you know..."
"Yeah...yeah I know," Ty nodded. It was what they did, when they lost one of their own. He knew he could have gone over there as well, but he hadn't been up for it. Not yet anyway.
"How about you?" Carlos asked after a few moments of silence. He knew how close Alex and Ty had been at one time, how this had to be affecting him. "You doing okay?"
Ty nodded uncertainly, biting his lip as he looked at his roommate. "Yeah...I..." His face crumpled with emotion and his eyes began to well. "She...she's with her dad now, right, Carlos? She...she's with her father..." It was all he could get out before he started to sob.
Carlos immediately went to comfort Ty, embracing him as his own tears began to fall. "She is, Ty...she's with her dad..." he said, his voice breaking.
It was all they had, the only way to even begin to fill the staggering emptiness inside of them...
They needed to believe that somewhere Alex was with the father she had loved so much and that she was at peace...