In loving memory of John Spencer. Thank you for Leo. You are greatly missed.
She knows that Josh learned to respect people from his parents. She knows they nurtured that caring heart hiding beneath the surface of "Bartlet's Bulldog", and now Matt Santos's Chief of Staff. But she also knows that he learned respect for power, absolute devotion to his cause, his candidate, his president from Leo McGarry. And it's the little things that tell her how much Josh misses him because he'll rarely say the words.
(1)
On Inauguration Day he moves the desk back to the way Leo had it situated for six years, and he quietly tells her that was the way it should be. She doesn't question it, only nods quickly, squeezes his hand, and goes back to the East Wing to unpack in her own new office. The sticky note with the scribbled "WWLD" is tucked safely inside of a drawer where he can glance at it often. His suit jacket rests on a nearby chair while he works so that he can grab it quickly when the President happens to enter. And when Matt Santos doubts his ability to lead Josh holds him up with enough faith for the both of them.
(2)
He sleeps restlessly the first few months they're in office. He rarely makes it through the night without waking up and settling down in the living room with a pile of memos in his lap. He feels a huge responsibility to the Bartlet-McGarry legacy and it's not as easy to start over with a new team as he thought it would be. He has Sam, and her, but it's not the same. "I was supposed to be doing this with Leo," he had said.
She always hears him get up. Some of these nights she'll follow him and coax him back to bed, lull him back to sleep. Some nights she lets him work through his doubts and fears alone, if she feels that's what he needs. She's surprised when she finds him crying openly one night, a heavy fountain pen resting in his hands.
"Leo gave this to me when I graduated from Harvard," he whispers. "Said it was a good pen." He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "That's all he said."
She settles in his lap and lets him cry before leading him back to the bedroom. When she wakes up next, he's still asleep beside her.
She's touched when he asks the President to use that pen when he signs his first bill into law. Santos smiles and gladly obliges when Josh tells him why. She's even more touched when, six months later, he uses it to sign the ketubah at their wedding.
(3)
"Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese."
Sam's eyes widen, and she giggles despite herself. A resounding "What the hell" from Lou sums up the general confusion of most in the room.
Josh continues undeterred. "The block of cheese was huge, over two tons, and it was there for any and all who might be hungry."
"Hmm, interesting," Sam chides.
She can tell Josh is enjoying himself as he explains his objective and, almost gleefully, begins handing out assignments.
"Lou, you get Physicists for the Treatment of Barophobia."
"Joshua, I swear to God, what the hell is barophobia?"
"It's a fear of, well, gravity."
"Gravity? Are they out of their minds?"
"Probably, but you're going to meet with them. Sam, my good democrat, you're on unusual solutions to global warming."
"Does one of them involve UFOs," Sam questions dryly, but takes the folder Josh slides to him.
She slips out as he continues his meeting. When she sees him later in the day his dimples and his swagger are out in full force.
She knows he misses Leo when he's willing to reinstate Total Crackpot Day.
(4)
It's close to reelection time when Sam is seriously injured in a boating accident. She's not sure if Josh can survive losing his best friend, too. He sleeps only a couple of hours at a time, joining Ainsley in her vigil by Sam's bed with what little time he can spare from the White House. She's barely holding their family together and she has a sinking feeling that things will get worse before they get better. She asks God how much this man, the one she loves with every fiber of her being, should have to endure. One night, when he finally stumbles into their townhouse, she places their sleeping daughter in his arms and he cradles the small child tightly while she tries to kiss away his tears.
Only when Sam recovers physically and Ainsley comes pleading for help does she realize how much Leo has been on Josh's mind over the past few months. The narcotics are easier for Sam than the pain, and he spends most nights and some days in a daze. As they sit in Sam's office, Ainsley crying, Sam furious, and Josh begging him to get help, Sam voices his worst fear—abandonment. She shudders as Josh begins to tell his story, her arms around his waist. She fights to keep from being carried back to that awful Christmas so many years ago, and she knows Josh wishes Leo were here now more than ever.
"I've been down here before and I know the way out."
(5)
By one o'clock on January 20, 2015 he's kneeling in front of Leo's headstone at Arlington. He's been through a lot over these past eight years without Leo. A year and a half ago he was forced on a six month leave after major surgery to repair the patchwork on his pulmonary artery. She did a lot of bargaining with God that year. Now she leans against the car, idly twisting her wedding ring on her finger, watching him. He places his gloved hand over the epitaph; she can see his mouth moving, but can't hear what he's saying. He's always insisted he visit Leo's grave alone over the years and now she understands why. She's always been privy to his more vulnerable side, but even she is shocked by the loss she sees on her husband's face. Today he's truly saying goodbye; they move to Boston in a couple of weeks where he's taken a position as an adjunct professor at Harvard. He rises, and she approaches slowly. He draws an old Santos-McGarry button out of his pocket (she can't imagine where he found it) and places it atop the headstone.
Then he turns to face her. She kisses him gently and sends him to the car; this bitter cold can't be good for him. Alone with her own memories, she kisses her fingertips and presses them to the cold granite.
"You helped make him into the man I fell in love with," she whispers. "I never thanked you for that."
She makes her way back to the waiting car, then glances back one last time. He isn't the only one who's missed Leo.
"Thanks, boss."
Fin.
Many thanks to Jen, who is always there for encouragement and support, and invaluable proofing.