I Definitely Need One of Those
Author: Frost on Maples
Author's Notes: This is my first attempt at both a one-shot (for me, relatively quick!) and a crossover. Obviously, I own neither the Avengers nor Dr. Who (that would be Marvel/Disney and the BBC respectively).
The prompt for this was: I definitely need one of those. Obviously, it seemed ideal for the title as well!
Many thanks to the bunch at the Beta Branch for the much needed editing and encouragement - they are great, and I wouldn't be brave enough to do this without people like them.
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"Funny. I always thought that top secret things were quiet and discrete," Tony Stark said as he surveyed the chaos.
"There does seem to be a bit of excitement going on," Bruce Banner agreed. "I hope it isn't for us. I would prefer an old fashioned marching band."
SHIELD's newest base was in an unusual state of chaos and agitation as Tony Stark and Bruce Banner stepped off the quinjet ramp. Alarms were sounding and armoured agents bristling with weapons lined the perimeter as a grim-faced team frog-marched a red haired woman towards the top secret building.
"Ah, looks like I better keep Pepper away from here," Tony observed. "They don't seem to appreciate feisty redheads as much as I do."
"Oi! What the hell is wrong with you people?" The woman's voice was pure British accent and outrage. "I got lost and blundered onto this place. What's so bloody difficult to understand about that? Where am I? Who's in charge?" she demanded. "I didn't touch anything!" As the SHIELD team dragged her unceremoniously into the building, Director Fury stalked out to greet his guests.
"Mr. Stark. Dr. Banner. Thank-you for coming." Fury nodded courteously. "Welcome to Emerald base, such as it is. As you can see, we are still settling in, and need to consult with both of you about some issues." He beckoned for them to follow as he turned back to the centre of the chaos.
"This isn't typical for a SHIELD moving day? Someone lost the box with the cutlery and toilet paper?" Tony asked, eyebrow raised as they entered Fury's office.
"This base is to be a new holding and research facility," Fury said calmly, refusing to be baited. "Unfortunately, it seems like even an idiot british tourist can stumble onto it. Doesn't speak well for it being a secret."
"What is the purpose of this new facility?" Bruce asked, looking around. "Why call both of us in as consultants?"
The director of SHIELD hesitated, eyeing the two of them thoughtfully. "There are many reasons for this new base..."
"Any chance you decided out of the kindness of your heart that you have a spare guest room for our local gamma radiation expert who happens to turn into a giant green rage monster?" Tony interrupted suspiciously.
"That is one of the possible reasons behind the Council's orders to have this facility built," Fury said blandly, to their surprise. "Frankly, Dr. Banner, as long as you don't do something stupid like break Harlem again, I am quite content to have that item at the bottom of the list of things to do with our new digs here."
"So, what's at the top of the list?" Bruce asked warily.
"Let me give you a preview of my next briefing for the Avengers," Fury replied. "You're not the only game in town these days when it comes to the whole gamma radiation research thing, Dr. Banner. I've been receiving reports from all over the world of assorted individuals and organizations experimenting with gamma radiation, as well as other substances and formulas. Your old friend Dr. Sterns has dropped off the radar, but before he did, some of his new work made General Ross's projects look like flower child Peace Corp projects." He sighed. "Frankly, gentlemen, we're anticipating a wave of situations involving the use of gamma radiation. We'll need a place to contain the problems we can't prevent."
"So far, all I'm hearing about involves security, something Stark Industries is eminently qualified for," Bruce said. "If you're not building me a guest room, why do you need me?"
"There are also going to be research labs here, and I would like your input on them," Fury said. Tony raised his eyebrows as Bruce crossed his arms sceptically. "You can believe it or not as you wish, but the intention is to search for a cure for the inmates." He looked at their disbelieving faces and sighed. "No offence, Dr. Banner, but gamma mutations are a massive pain in the ass, and if it's possible to eliminate or neutralize some of these problems, my job becomes much easier. I like it when my job is easier." Tony and Bruce looked at each other, then at Fury with eyebrows raised. "I won't have all of our knowledge and ability to research gamma radiation and the mutations caused by it all resting in the ability of one person: you, Dr. Banner. I don't believe in having all my eggs in one basket. If you don't want to help or share, so be it, Dr. Banner, but I won't sit around idly while the gamma shit hits the fan."
"Let me think about it," Bruce said tensely.
"Like I said, I would prefer to have your help, but if you don't want to, we'll carry on without you." Fury shrugged. Bruce looked around suspiciously, but nothing happened. Fury raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? You think I'm going to try to kidnap you and force you to work for us? Sorry, but our insurance doesn't cover Hulk damage." He shrugged again. "Think it over. I didn't want you to find out via someone snooping around." He glared at Tony.
Bruce relaxed slightly. "Okay. Once again, thanks for asking nicely."
"So, if we're back to the matter of security, I need to ask a few questions," Tony said. "My people forwarded me the files concerning the equipment we have supplied for this base. Everything is the latest and greatest, and the team sent to install it all even put in a few extra goodies for you. If I'm to assess this, I will need to access your systems to see if it's all working properly."
"Follow me, gentlemen." Fury led them what could only be the command centre for the base. Wires were still dangling, and there were some gaps in the rows of consoles, but it buzzed with activity as teams of SHIELD agents both monitored consoles and worked at installations. Fury walked up to one of the few areas that seemed fully functional and gestured to the agent to vacate his seat. "Please, Mr. Stark, make yourself at home. Just don't leave one of your little hacking bugs behind this time."
Tony sighed. "One little hacking incident and it's remembered forever." His voice trailed off as he stared thoughtfully at the monitor in front of him. He tapped thoughtfully at the keyboard as he stared, scrolling through data rapidly. He started to mutter thoughtfully as schematics flew by. "All of these are the Sentinel system. Power levels are more than adequate. All fields overlap properly…" He tilted his head thoughtfully as he stared. "Everything here reads right." He spun his chair around to face Fury and Bruce. "Let's go for a walk."
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An hour later, Tony finally stopped. "All of the possible weak points in the system have been covered. The software checks out fine so far - I'll have Jarvis do a final sweep down to the basics, but I doubt there will be any problems found. The hardware installation, from what I have seen, is up to your usual super spy excellent standards. I see no reason why there would be a problem."
"Maybe it not hardware or software." They both turned to look at Bruce. "Maybe it's a people problem."
Fury groaned. "Doctor, all of the people here have been exhaustively screened. If I look at the file of a person who has been cleared to work here, I can find out the number of fillings that person has and the names of their goldfish. It's not freakin' likely that something has been missed-"
"Not your staff," Bruce said. "Why don't we just talk to the woman who's the cause of a lot this trouble?"
"That makes sense," Tony said. "If we ask nicely, maybe she'll share her super-spy secrets. Or maybe her crumpet recipe. Or maybe she'll explain that she got lost looking for crumpets-"
"That's a good idea, Dr. Banner." Fury interrupted Tony before more of the crumpet connection could be considered. "Gentlemen, please follow me."
The corridor Fury led them down was swarming with activity. Workmen with hardhats and tool belts had half the hallway blocked off as they strung cables and wires, while the other half teemed with technicians and agents. It was almost claustrophobic, and both Tony and Bruce sighed with relief when they finally reached an elevator.
"Our visitor is the first and only occupant of the cell block," Fury explained as the elevator decended an impressive number of floors. "We haven't finished with the light security cells in the upper levels, but some of the high security containment block has been finished, so our visitor ended up there. You can check out the installation while we're there. Dr. Banner, if you have any opinions on the set-up, I would like to hear them. Just remember, it's still very much bare bones."
As the elevator door opened, they saw a lanky stranger in a long brown coat with bright red sneakers peeking out from under blue pin-striped pant legs turn away from the guard to stroll down the hall ahead of them.
"SHIELD agents keep getting more colourful all the time," Tony quipped, looking at the sneakers, but Fury frowned at the retreating figure as he walked up to his guard.
"Agent Wilson, who is that?"
The guard looked confused at the question. "Sir, that's the Council liaison. You issued clearance for him to interrogate the prisoner." He shrank back slightly as Fury frowned at him. "He had the papers for it."
"I issued no clearance for interrogation," Fury growled, "and there sure as hell isn't a Council liaison on base." Drawing his pistol, he called out after the stranger, "Sir, please halt and identify yourself."
The man paused, and looked over his shoulder at them. They caught a quick glimpse of a shock of spiky brown hair and knowing brown eyes before he bolted down the hall and around the corner before Fury could fire. As they gave chase, Tony saw the stranger reach into a pocket and pull out a hand-length cylinder. It made an odd, whistling buzz as he waved it around, until it suddenly chirped when pointed a certain direction. The stranger abruptly bolted off in a new direction, down another hallway towards the functional part of the cell block.
"I can see why he wears running shoes," Bruce huffed as he kept up to them. "Guy can run like a rabbit."
Fury tapped his earpiece. "Security, meet us at the primary entrance to the cell block. He'll be trapped there - it's got one of those fancy new Stark locks."
As they gained on the stranger, they saw him wave the cylinder again, this time at the door to the cell block as he slid to a stop. They saw him look quickly at the cylinder, then point it directly at first the keypad and then the screen beside the door. Smoothly, without a blip from an alarm, the door slid open and he dashed in. The door promptly slid shut behind him.
"What the hell?" Fury muttered as they skidded to a stop at the door. He tapped the keypad, only to have 'Access Denied' show on the screen. He tried again, got the same results. "Stark, how the hell did he do that?"
"I have no idea," Tony replied, staring thoughtfully at the stranger. "I need more information: this is impossible." He pulled out a case with a special pair of glasses, inserted a earpiece that was connected to them and tapped them both to turn them on. "Time to show you my latest toy for JARVIS. JARVIS, record and analyze that thing the guy is waving around."
"Analyzing now, sir," JARVIS said dryly. Graphics flashed onto the lenses: not as detailed as the HUD of one of his suits, but then again, he wasn't flying or running weapons systems.
Tony frowned at the numbers: nothing was making sense. "JARVIS, give me a frequency analysis."
There was a hesitation before the AI replied. "Analysis incomplete. Vibrations outside of the sonic range present. Quantum energies, tachyon harmonics, unknown energy signature, analyzing, analyzing, ana-ana-an-"
Alarmed, Tony paused, hand to the earpiece. "JARVIS, stop analysis - NOW! Record only." He looked up to see Bruce and Fury staring at him. "Whatever that thing is, JARVIS can't analyze it without having a seizure - something else that should be impossible."
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"Donna! How did you end up in here?"
"You bloody idiot! You dropped me off just outside of a super top-secret base of some kind," Donna said, glowering. "The sort of place that is so top secret that there isn't another human for a hundred miles. They were very upset when I showed up on their doorstep and couldn't really answer most of their questions."
"I didn't realize they would be so hostile," the Doctor said, thoughtfully scratching his head. "Though come to think of it, I guess it was the twenty-second century when this was made into a museum…"
"I don't care if this becomes a cricket green in the twenty-second century. Get me out of here." Donna stamped her foot impatiently as she looked over at the entrance to the cell block. "The people on the other side of that door over there are definitely not happy with us and I think it would be a very good idea to be out of here before they figure out how to undo whatever you did to their fancy door system."
"Right, right." The Doctor pointed the sonic screwdriver at the door's keypad, and after the usual wavering buzz the door obligingly popped open.
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While Fury paced, infuriated, Tony and Bruce watched as the stranger pointed the device at the keypad beside the cell holding the loud British woman. It made another burst of the odd, whistling buzzing sound and the door popped open.
"What the hell is that?" Bruce asked, fascinated.
Tony stared, with an expression that Pepper (and some supermodels) would have recognized immediately. "I definitely need one of those."
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"So, Martian Boy, what's your plan to get us out of here?" she demanded.
"I think you're going to be quite impressed. It took a couple of months, but I fixed the automatic homing mechanism," he said smugly. She stared blankly at him. "It's never worked since I got the Tardis, but I fixed it. You'll love it." She raised her eyebrows and shrugged. He sighed. "Watch." He made an adjustment on the sonic screwdriver until it emitted a warbling whistle that made her wince. A familiar creaking groan filled the air, and the Tardis faded into sight. "See? We don't have to run to the Tardis any more if we're in trouble. She can come to us."
Donna eyed him pityingly. "Seriously? You think that the Tardis is going to tolerate you whistling for her to come and fetch us?"
"It works!" the Doctor protested.
"I bet it works this time, and this time only," she said.
"The repairs were perfect," he said. "The old girl hasn't been in such good shape in centuries." He walked over and patted the box. "Just think how this will simplify things." He pulled open the door and smoke billowed out. "My repairs!"
"I told you so," Donna said, trying in vain to wave the smoke out of her face as she started coughing. "Did you honestly think just because she'll open the door when you snap your fingers that she would answer a whistle like a dog every time you got your scrawny spaceman ass stuck in a well?" He glared back at her as he stepped into the box. She stopped outside the door, holding her sleeve over her nose. "My god! What's that smell? Did you stick some dead rats in old tires and set them on fire?"
"Just get in here!"
"All right, all right," she grumbled. She stomped aboard and slammed the door behind her.
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The creaking groan sound filled the air again the second the woman slammed the door shut behind her. Fury and Bruce stared wordlessly as the box faded out of sight. Tony ignored the information streaming across his lenses as he watched with longing.
"I definitely need one of those too."