A/N: So this joke has gone around the internet a couple times, thought I'd make a quick fanfiction out of it seeing as I hadn't actually come across one. This is my first Avengers fic, hope you all like.
Indestructability
It was another of the team's usual little arguments. Tony liked to call them ''heated debates''. Natasha liked to call them ''waste of time''. Everyone else just called them for what they were, like previously mentioned: ''arguments''.
This particular bout began in the main living room of Stark Tower. The TV was on, and muted, for only the reason that colorful and loud commercials had taken over the screen. The team was lounging, having just finished a hard training session with SHIELD.
Bruce, straight-backed and proper as he sat on the couch, saw the commercial first. It wasn't surprising, really, with how the group of freaks was currently occupying themselves.
Clint was also on the couch, bumping Bruce every so often as he shot rubber bands at Natasha, the latter getting more and more annoyed with every little thwack of rubber on her bare arm.
Tony was on the other couch, stretched out comfortably and fiddling with his phone. Steve sat on the floor in front of that couch, his legs crossed. He looked like a little boy scout with his navy t-shirt and usual, innocent expression. He was twisted, watching Tony as the billionaire played what sounded like some kind of game on his uber-hightech phone.
Thor, of course, was sprawled on the armchair, munching on a bag of chips and getting crumbs all over everything.
So anyways, Bruce was the first to see the commercial. The first to see a very cartooned version of a very familiar face grace the screen. "Tony, turn off mute?" he called to his fellow genius.
Tony glanced up from the game and they all heard a chorus of "awww". Everyone glanced at the TV screen. There was practically a popping noise from everyone's eyes opening. The sound suddenly roared into being.
"... indestructible iron of Captain America's shield vs. the almighty strength of Thor's hammer!" the commercial cheered.
Steve's eyebrows curved downwards. "Not toys again..." he sighed, while everyone else snickered. Thor stared at the screen.
"Who will win?"
"Does that small being with such large eyes represent me?" Thor demanded.
Natasha, snatched away the last of her partner's projectiles. Clint grinned at Thor. "Sure, buddy. Aren't you just adorable as a cartoon?" he grinned.
"I do not understand." Thor began uncertainly, while Tony snorted out a laugh.
"See, Thor, they make heroes into little toys. This commercial was putting your hammer up against my shield in a test of strength."
"The work of fools! Mjolnir is made by the dwarven smiths, in the-"
"Heat of a dying star." everyone besides Natasha and Bruce sighed together.
"Correct!" Thor rumbled, "There is no possible way for it to be beaten!" he picked up the mentioned weapon from where it had sat by the extra-cushioned armchair.
"Hey, hey, my shield isn't exactly the work of novice-"
"I do not mean to offend you, good Captain, but it would stand no chance against my Mjolnir!" Thor hadn't even let the soldier finish.
Cap's eyes narrowed, hardly visible but Bruce seemed to notice. "I really don't think we need to discu-"
"My shield is made of the strongest metals known to man!" he said sharply. "Sorry, Bruce." he quickly backtracked and ducked his head towards the doctor.
Bruce sighed and leaned back. He should have just let the commercial go. Now he was in for listening to another clash of egos.
Tony, for once, wasn't leaping into the middle of it. He waited patiently for Thor to answer Steve's protest with a "Midgard has much to learn in the ways of the smith!" before propping himself up on his elbow.
"Alright now, you've just brought my father into this. That shield is just fine in 'the ways of the smith', thank you." He pat Steve on the head. "Perhaps not as awesome as something I might have made..."
"Are you on my side or not, Stark?" Steve rolled his eyes, hurrying to stop the man before he went on another of his technology rambles.
"Course I am, Cap!" Tony flashed a grin. "I'm just saying, I could have made it better. Not strength-wise or anything, it's pretty much perfect on the defense side... but I could have given you a better offense or-"
"It's a shield." Steve pointed out.
"Yeah, yeah. But imagine – a shield with lazers!"
"Lazers."
"Yeah, c'mon, everything's cooler with lazers!"
"Uh... no thanks."
"Not even with the lazers you speak of would a Midgardian creation come close to the power of my hammer! Mjolnir is the strongest weapon to be forged, besides that of the Allfather." Thor dragged the two back to the conversation's topic.
"Um, I think the show is back." Bruce piped up again. The three didn't even look at him, and Natasha and Clint seemed comfortable to watch the squabble.
Tony pointed out something about a time in the woods when he and Thor were fighting. Something about Thor hitting the Captain and Steve catching the attack on his shield, without a dent. Thor countered, Steve protested, Tony snickered out something rude.
Then suddenly Tony's eyes lit up with something Bruce recognized from helping him in the lab. Oh no. Banner sighed inwardly, knowing that the man had just come to a realization on something.
"Gentlemen!" he cut across something Steve was saying. The latter just looked skyward with his blue eyes before turning them to the other man. Thor glowered at him. "I am afraid that you are both wrong! See, boys, the most indestructible thing in our little team isn't your hammer." he grinned at Thor, who scowled further. "Or your shield." he added to Steve, who looked confused. "Or even my super-sexy armor!"
That gained a snort from both Steve and Clint.
"I tell you, my good friends..." Tony had pushed himself into a sitting position by now. "It is..." he paused, as if waiting for a drum roll, and then pointed with incredibly dramatic pose to Bruce, who looked startled. "That guy's pants!"
Bruce was slowly getting used to being with all the others, but he was still incredibly uncomfortable being the center of attention. Especially when everyone wasn't looking at his face, but rather the plain gray sweatpants he was wearing. He felt a bit of color flare in his cheeks, just barely, and self-consciously wiggled.
"My... what?" he blinked in confusion and stared at Tony. Clint burst into laughter, and his back – which was currently residing on Bruce's arm – shook.
Thor looked confused, as did Steve, but Natasha had a look of amused understanding in her dark green eyes. Thor opened his mouth to question how a fabric so soft was more indestructible than the stone of Mjolnir, but Clint cut him off, rushing it out between laughs.
"Because... they... never... tear... off..." he choked, leaning his head back so he could look at the doctor too. His expression grew curious. "Yeah, why is that?"
"I... uh... what?" Bruce didn't understand the sudden fascination with his pants.
"We are all led to wonder why it is everything but you're pants tears into shred when you turn into You-Know-Who." the Widow questioned easily. She poked his thigh with her toes, which were stretched out beside Clint's leg and already resting near him.
"The noseless fiend has returned again?" Thor blurted suddenly, looking around.
Tony slapped his hand to his forehead, while everyone either shot the Asgaurdian a weird look of bellowed with laughter. "Thor, I told you that was just a movie. And I think 'Tasha meant the Hulk, big buddy, not Voldemort."
"I told you not to let him watch those movies." Steve said. The Iron Man shrugged.
"He saw 'em on ABC and demanded to know why a little boy with a scar was calling himself a wizard. I told him to just watch the movies."
"Cause you're to lazy to tell him-"
"Shut up, Mr. Patriot, I wanna hear why his pants don't rip!" Tony cut off the blonde and turned his chocolaty eyes back to Bruce.
"How should I know?" Bruce shrugged, squirming again as all eyes turned to him.
"Aw, that was a boring explanation." Tony sighed.
"It all adds to the mystery of Bruce Banner, the Other Guy, and his ass." Clint said dramatically, then laughed again. Tony stepped over Steve to give that one a high five, and even Steve looked amused.
"Thank you all so much for caring about my pants." Bruce muttered as the TV was once more turned off mute, just in time to catch the credits of whatever show they had been watching.
A/N: Reviews are always read and replied to. So click the button, maybe?