(I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted a story on here! It's not that I haven't had ideas; I've just not had much time to write. I've had this in my mind since the "Exit Wounds" episode last season –one of my favorites ever actually – and I'm finally getting it written and posted. Now I already want to write new stories for the season premiere and the "JJ" episode last week, but this one's finished, so hopefully you'll enjoy it while you wait! Enjoy the Morgan and Garcia goodness, because I can't help but dream….)
North Star/True North
Penelope Garcia smiled with the peaceful feeling slipping back into her heart as Derek's warmth surrounded her. His arms wrapped her up comfortingly in a gentle embrace, but more than that, they clutched her to his chest as if reassuring him as well. It surprised her, and made her hold him in their hug just as tightly, instead of pulling away, embarrassed, after a few seconds, as she often did.
She knew she had probably worried Derek more in the last few days than she had for a long time. First, she'd run right towards an unsub instead of going to get help, putting herself in harm's way. Then, she'd obviously given him the impression she was either leaving the team or falling apart. That last part had been more than he could take silently without interrupting and doing something. Now Derek Morgan was holding her in his arms, promising her she couldn't lose herself because he wouldn't let her.
Moving back just a fraction, so she could look up into his stormy, determined face and troubled dark eyes, Penelope stared at him hopefully, wishing that she knew exactly how he meant his words, how deep the promise went. She knew he would not fail to keep his word – that he would personally make it his mission to see that she kept her optimism, her bubbly lightness and sense of humor, as a true best friend would. She had no doubt he meant his words, but sometimes…
Sometimes, like now, she felt he was more concerned, more devoted, more protective and tender, than even the truest of friends would be. Could he mean what he had very sparingly said? In the tensest of moments, at times when she knew he felt he might lose her, Derek Morgan would tell her he loved her.
It certainly didn't bother her; she loved him too. She had for so long in fact that she barely even considered or acknowledged it anymore. She had simply tucked it away until it threaded into the fabric of her personality, no longer even consciously thought of or recognized. She had accepted that anything more than friendship with him was impossible long ago; he wouldn't look at her that way and wasn't ready for serious commitment to anyone anyway. She'd so seriously ignored it that – except in the tiniest, furthest back corner of her hopeless heart – the fact that she was completely romantically in love with him almost didn't exist. She couldn't let it.
However, occasionally he almost made the dam break and made her admit the truth; she could almost feel that she had misjudged him (and maybe he could love her as well). 'Was that crazy?' she wondered. Maybe it was, but she realized she didn't even care.
"So, are we clear, Baby Girl?" Morgan asked now, his eyes cutting clear through any sort of bluster or flirtatious joking she might attempt in order to take the heat off, clearly intending to discern what was really going on in her head.
"Absolutely, Mister G-Man," she tried anyway, choosing to believe the best of both him and the situation. It would be fine – it always was. He'd do his best to make her smile for the next few days while she was feeling shaky and she'd calm down and feel normal again once she put this case behind her. Deep down, it came clearer to her than ever that this really was an odd way for a fun-loving free spirit like her to spend her life, but something always stopped her from giving it all up. She wanted to end this conversation now, before she dwelt too long on her reasons. It went much deeper than the cherished rare girls' night out with JJ and Emily, or the sense of pride she got when she found some rare, previously unfindable fact for Rossi, filled Reid in on some irrelevant bit of pop culture to save him from embarrassment, or managed to make Hotch crack a near-smile. No, what it really was, was that she couldn't tear herself away from Derek Morgan. The job that had brought her to him and kept her working close beside him each day, was something she couldn't give up now. Even if she feared it was stealing little bits of her soul as she stayed with it. What if this was all that kept them close to each other? She hoped she knew better than that, but there were always the niggling, haunting doubts.
Kevin had asked her more than once as she jumped up from breakfast with him, or got back out of her sweats and into street clothes late at night, at an inopportune phone call from JJ, why she loved being their team's only, always-on-call analyst. Even though he did the same job, he wasn't as available as she was; he didn't drop everything if it was after hours. Penelope could tell he didn't get the same rush from being a "techie" as she did, even if it had been what had originally sparked his interest in her. And he was definitely not as attached to the teams he worked with as she was to hers.
Maybe she was only fooling herself…but there was something more between she and Derek than Kevin - or most anyone else – could understand. In fact, sometimes she didn't fully understand it herself. But she cherished it whatever it was, and knew that she'd never give it up lightly or allow cynics to take away from what she had with her heart-stoppingly gorgeous best friend.
Their conversation ended for the moment with his admission that he "kinda loved her" and her heartfelt return of the same sentiment, but as they walked toward the BAU's waiting jet, Penelope felt in the back of her mind as well as the pit of her stomach, that the subject wasn't closed yet.
Late that night as the plane silently carried them home through the dark night sky sprinkled with stars, Penelope found herself restlessly unable to relax. Where normally she would surf the internet, sort and rearrange files on her desktop, or find something else to entertain her on her computer, nothing there held any interest for her tonight. She'd put her favorite "baby" away in its carrying case and was alternately watching the rest of her team and looking out at the bright constellations displayed just beyond her window. Penelope knew she should try to sleep as it seemed that Reid, JJ, and Emily had managed to do. She was physically and mentally exhausted, but despite that she could also feel that sleep wouldn't be coming anytime soon. She let her eyes take in Hotch and Rossi at the front of the plane quietly going over paperwork from the case they'd finished, and then linger as long as she dared on Derek fiddling with the ear buds of his I-Pod as he re-read Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions for what had to be the twenty-fifth time. Shaking her head and chuckling to herself at one of his very few geeky quirks, she turned to study the sky before her again.
Forlorn realization tinged the look in her eyes as she watched the twinkling array cast across midnight blue and focused in on the North Star. There was no denying what she couldn't push to the back of her mind any longer. She'd let Morgan become a sort of human North Star to her life, without intending to or fully realizing it. His brightness coloring her days had allowed the BAU to become the place where she let her skill and personality shine, instead of some happier, brighter place where she would undoubtably be a better fit. She had let him guide her course in the last few years, without even knowing she did it – always looking forward to the precious moments they spent together, basking in his praise and affection, wounded and looking to change things when they weren't together or in sync with each other about something. He was very much that ever-present star that shone brightest in the Heavens. Glorious in its majestic shining and constancy, but still forever out of reach. He was always with her and yet never close enough to touch. Rapidly, she blinked away a tear before it could fall and wondered, 'How did I let myself get to this point?'
Just then, Derek appeared in the aisle beside her, both book and I-Pod gone and looking at her hopefully. "Need a seatmate?" he asked, gesturing to the aisle seat next to her and raising a questioning eyebrow. "To be honest, I could use your company."
Penelope knew her eyes must have registered the surprise she felt at that last statement and rather than finding a playful tease of an answer as she normally would have, she simply spoke the truth. "I'll always take your company, Derek. Sit with me."
He grinned and did as she said. They sat in companionable, perfectly comfortable silence for a few minutes, then he followed her gaze to the stars outside. "They're beautiful out there tonight, arent' they, Pen?" His voice was low, but it sounded hoarse and oddly awkward. They didn't usually talk so seriously more than once in one day and they'd certainly never stargazed together before.
She nodded mutely, turning to give him a beatific smile before looking back out the window, unaccountably wishing to hold his hand and lean her head on his shoulder as she did.
"You know," Morgan continued, "I heard this saying somewhere, that 'the night has to be dark so we can see the stars'." His voice was calm, musing, almost as if he was mulling over his words while chuckling at himself for remembering such a hokey saying at the same time. He languidly reached out to touch her cheek and then turned her face toward his. "A sky like that one out there could almost make our lives seem worth it, huh?"
Garcia could see the hopeful, searching expression in his eyes and she couldn't bring herself to disagree with the two of them sitting here together this way, making the risks and pain seem worth it to her, despite her lingering fears and misgivings. Taking a cue from his fingers still warmly lingering on her cheek, she reached between them and twined her other hand together with his. Keeping her eyes locked on his and praying for strength she responded, struggling for breath, "If only you really could just follow the light of the stars for a guide…it would make figuring out what you're supposed to do a lot easier." She sighed, and after a moment's hesitation, rested her head on his solid shoulder. When he didn't react other than to seemingly relax happily into the new position, she allowed herself to relax and enjoy it. She had almost calmed herself to the point of drifting off for a nap feeling peaceful and cared for, when he spoke again.
"Who says you can't?" Morgan asked curiously.
"Can't what? Follow the stars?" Garcia snorted with laughter, "Well, just common sense, I guess."
"Well, I have a guide," Derek persisted, looking at her in all seriousness now, eyes showing nothing but honesty as they met hers. "Not stars, but a sort of inner compass, pointing me true north whenever I need it most, and brighter and clearer than any star."
Penelope felt her mouth go dry and her heart flutter. It was a good thing she was already sitting down, with the dizzy feeling that suddenly overtook her. She knew he wasn't just stargazing or playing around now. He might still be acting out of fear of her leaving the team, but it was causing him to voice some deep truths. She tried to give him an out by joking, but secretly prayed he'd go on and explain himself. "Derek Morgan, now you're just speaking in riddles!"
He shook his head, "No, Baby Girl, not riddles, just words I haven't used in a long time. Words I've had bottled inside, hidden from you, that you ought to know. You're that compass, Penelope…my True North. You are the one thing that guides me back home again when I'm lost; the one who shows me which way is right and good when everything gets turned upside down. And you're always there with me, clearer and brighter in my mind's eye than any star or constellation could be. Don't you know that yet?"
Shaking her head and feeling a couple tears slip from her eyes at his words, Penelope wanted to laugh, to tell him how she'd been thinking of him similarly not even an hour ago. How could they both have been so blind? But no words would come, she was so overwhelmed.
Derek smiled lovingly at her, and she thought his eyes and his smile and him altogether were what were truly, stunningly brilliant and bright, but knew she'd have to tell him later when her head and her heart weren't quite so full. "Well, now you do know. I love you, Penelope Garcia."
She nodded in agreement, still unable to speak and pulled him to her, needing him close.
He bent his head, capturing her lips with his, stunning her with an intensity that left her senses reeling. 'I love you, Derek Morgan,' her mind replied and she knew that now she'd be able to tell him for the rest of her life. Kissing him back, feeling like all the times she had been lost and directionless and alone in life had served the purpose of bringing her here with him, she felt his words warming her and lighting her up inside like the birth of a shooting star.