Anything to protect you

By Alasse Fefalas

Melinda May sat back in her chair and looked out the window. She normally had the best view on the Bus but their situation was anything but normal. She wasn't looking out at clouds or land mass in the distance. Instead, she was looking at a grey wall. The hangar that Koenig had her bring the Bus into was a rather tight fit, though she could understand, it being a secret base and all.

Sighing, she closed her eyes, wondering how it had all gone down to hell. In just one day, they had gone from agents of SHIELD to ghosts. Only a name and a face. No past, an uncertain present and a murky future.

May was angry. Angry at Fitz for having gone through the comms system, angry at herself for being found out, angry at Fury for compartmentalising everything, angry at Coulson for not believing her despite everything they had gone through together.

She understood he was self-destructing, pushing away the people closest to him but it didn't make it hurt any less. She remembered how she was after the mission at Bahrain. She was much worse, she reminded herself.

As part of the welcome wagon, she didn't think she would have had to put down - permanently - soldiers, especially kids barely out of twelve armed with automatic guns. It was one of the reasons she hated the nickname people had given her. The Cavalry. No. The only nickname she had given herself after killing all those children was "murderer". She had lost a large part of herself that day.

After Bahrain, it took her a long time to find her voice again, communicating only through nods and sharp looks. Although she still partook in missions, she chose only the ones that were deemed suicidal, or almost. It was Phil who had pulled her aside, forced her to have a drink with him, persuaded her to talk and see how much of a downward spiral she was in. She had broken down that day, one of those rare moments of weakness but it was Phil. It had always been Phil. He could tell her to jump up and down ten times for no reason and she would do it, even to just entertain him.

And that night, with alcohol raging through their systems, they had found themselves tangled in the sheets in a nearby hotel, arms around each other.

"I'm gonna ask for a transfer to admin tomorrow," she had said then.

"You're a specialist," Coulson replied, playing with her hair. "You'll go crazy sitting at a desk pushing papers."

"Better than I keep going on suicide missions," she chuckled.

"That's a sound I haven't heard for a while." Coulson smiled and kissed her.

"Fury might refuse though."

"Fury will have to find someone else to do it. He's not sending my best friend into another mission."

May smiled. It was nice knowing someone still cared about her. "Thanks. I love you, you know that right?"

"Really? And here I thought you just heard about how good I was at sex and wanted to try it out for yourself," laughed Coulson.

Fury had accepted her transfer request, probably with a little push from Coulson. It took her a few months to recalibrate herself from combat to pushing papers. Just as she was settling into a mundane routine, she heard about the Chitauri attack at New York... and Coulson's death.

For the second time in her life, she felt her world come apart again. She blamed herself for not being there by his side, choosing to do only paperwork than to protect the one person she cared about most. She had retreated back into her shell, refusing to talk to anyone. Then one day, she was called into a meeting with Nick Fury, who told her one of his biggest secrets: Phil Coulson was alive because of the T.A.H.I.T.I. program.

"What...?" May asked in disbelief, her first word in months.

"It took us a while but he's still alive," Fury replied.

"I thought he was dead."

"He was."

May stared the man sitting in the chair behind the desk. If this was such a huge secret, why tell her? She was only level six. "What do you want me to do, sir?"

"I need you to watch Coulson for me. I will be assigning him to be head of a team to search for potential supers. I want you to give me what is needed in the team to take care of him." Fury held out a folder. "This contains all you need to know about the program to assemble the team. Read it and destroy it."

May took the folder with a slight hesitation. "You want me to spy on him, sir?"

"Yes and I want you to report only to me about it. Not anyone else. If he's starting a team, I'm sure he would want you on board."

"Sir, given the history between Coulson and I, I don't think that's a good idea."

"You're Coulson's best friend. I'm sure you want to protect him, don't you?"

"That's not what I'm referring to, sir."

"Agent May, I'm not going to lie to you. We had to change some of Coulson's memory to make him think he was in Tahiti rather than a small lab in the underground. There were also other memories we had to "delete" to find him someone suitable to make sure he was okay."

The realisation hit her like a punch. "You deleted our relationship," she said in a deadpan voice.

"It's necessary for him to see you as a friend, not as a lover. Coulson is smart. If he gets too close to you, he might figure out what you're doing."

"This is... wrong."

"This is an order, not a request, Agent May," Fury said coldly.

May nodded stiffly. "Understood, sir."

When she walked out of the meeting, she knew everything was going to be different. To him, they were long time close friends but to her, he would always be the one she loved. The one she would lay down her life for. Every step of the way, she had ensured Coulson was okay. She kept him safe, alive, all the while she was reporting to Fury. Every time she made the call, her heart hurt. It was to protect him, she told herself, even if she felt like she was betraying him.

She had noticed something different about him ever since she joined the team. It was still Coulson but he was different. He was more haunted, more reckless. She kept telling herself it was because he died but something in her whispered to her that he was slowly deteriorating. When she touched the Berserker staff, the little whisper became constant shouts, flashes of memory telling her that he's changed, that Bahrain meant something different to him now.

She slept with Ward because it was the only way to shut them up. She couldn't touch Coulson and Ward was experiencing almost the same thing. It took her a long time to admit it to Coulson and although he brushed it off like he didn't care, she could hear it in his voice that he did. It almost gave her hope that he remembered that they were once something more than friends.

It was while listening to the bugs she had placed around the Bus that she found out Coulson knew about the drug that brought him back from the dead and about the program. It was about the same time it all started going downhill.

Although they managed to find the Clairvoyant - both fake and real - May had lost Coulson in the process. He felt that she had betrayed her and she knew he had a right to feel that way - she did too. Finding out one of his oldest friends was the Clairvoyant made him push her further away. She had to find a way to make him believe she was with him, on his side.

"Maybe I should have just said it," she whispered to herself.

He wouldn't have believed her anyway, a voice inside her replied. Just like how he didn't believe anything else she said. And he might never will. Nick Fury was dead. The only person who could admit that she was sent to protect him couldn't corroborate her story. For all he knew, she could be Hydra, deep in cover to find other bases.

May sighed again, knocking her head against the backrest in exasperation. She was glad he had let her back into the group. An ally, not a friend. She let out a short bitter laugh. From friends, to lovers, to friends and now to allies. At least she was still with him; At least she could still protect him, whether he wanted it or not.

Two loud, sharp knocks pulled her out of her thoughts. The door opened and Triplett stuck his head into the crack. "Hey, Agent Ward is back."

May nodded in acknowledgement. "How's the fuel line?"

"I managed to find the leak. Once we get fuel we'll be all set to go," Triplett answered, opening the door fully.

"If we can find the fuel."

"Koenig said Fury might have some here. Anyway, Coulson's called for a meeting." Triplett turned and walked out.

May pursed her lips into a tight line. If Coulson wanted to be everyone's shield, then she would be his. Standing, she followed Triplett out.

Fin.

A/N: May is my favourite character on the show. I love how she's always calm and collected but there's definitely something going on under all that exterior. It was fun trying to write her! Don't really think I did her justice but I gave it my best shot! Tell me what you think! Reviews are much appreciated! I hope you enjoyed the story. Thanks for reading!