The Official Fanficiton University of the 39 Clues
~chapter one: iniziare
by Miss Fia and Miss Lacey
The 39 Clues are property of the various authors that have written the series, as well as Scholastic- The credit for the Official Universities of FanFiction are to be given to Camilla Sandman. Thanks to Kit and Minty, the authors of another OFU story that inspired us to write this, a parody that the 39 Clues archive desperately needs.
In a small suburb town, on an insignificant street, there is an equally small and insignificant house. The family that lives in this house is fairly ordinary, leading typical lives. A father that works to pay bills, a mother that cooks, cleans, and raises their only child; a girl named Stacey Carter.
Stacey wasn't quite as ordinary as her folks, though. In fact, a very extraordinary thing was about to happen to her, the reason being having happened a few months prior. This was the discovery of a website meant for writers. Stacey, being a naïve twelve year old at the time, had no idea that it was a twisted and deformed place, and quickly became one of the many fangirls that plagued the site. She immediately started writing stories of her own, absolutely certain that everyone would just love whatever she posted. Her talent was nonexistent, however, and it was rather pathetic that she couldn't realize it from the various flames she received every now and then.
On this extraordinary night, Stacey had just finished writing another one of her stories. It was quite late, being 1:47 in the morning. However, Stacey felt that she couldn't keep her readers waiting, and had no intention of saving her work and publishing it at a more sensible hour.
"Best not to let inspiration get away from you," she whispered to herself, giggling in her anticipation of the wonderful reviews she was sure that she would soon receive. She read over what she had just finished, basking in the glory she thought was glowing through the computer screen.
"Oh Ian." Amy swooned. "I n-n-n-n-n-never t-t-t-t-thought you could be even m-m-m-m-m-more amazing then you already w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-were!"
"I know, love, I know." Ian replied modestly in his silky smooth British accent. "But don't you realize that we are running out of time? Isabel will get here any minute- And she will try to kill you! We have to stop her, love."
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-bb-b-but h-h-h-h-h-how, Ian?" Amy sobbed.
"We can do anything with true love." He told her. "Just believe, Amy. We can win." Ian leaned in dramatically to brush his lips against hers-
"Yuck, this is absolutely disgusting!"
Stacey jumped out of her seat and nearly screamed. Standing in front of her were two figures, staring at her words in horror.
"AH! MOM! DAD! HELP! THERE'S TWO GUYS IN MY ROOM! AAAAH!"
"Please stop, we're not going to hurt you. We're just fictional characters," one said.
Stacey blinked. "Fictional… characters?" she asked slowly, obviously not comprehending.
"Of course, what did you think we were?" the second asked.
"Allow us an introduction," the first continued. "I am Fiske Cahill, and this is Dan Cahill," he said, motioning to the young boy beside him.
"You—But… Wha…?" Stacey stared at them, realizing that the man was dressed completely in black, and that the boy had stunning green eyes. "OMI! YOU'RE, LIKE, PEOPLE FROM A BOOK! THE 39 CLUES! THAT'S, LIKE, MY FAVORITE SERIES! AH!" She let out a high pitched squeal.
"I think my eardrums were just permanently damaged. Again," Dan said weakly, holding his ears gingerly.
"You tend to get used to it after being sent out on all of these recon missions," Fiske explained, patting his shoulder gently. Then, to Stacey, "Dan is new at this job, and I'm helping him learn about the recruiting process."
"Recruiting process?" Stacey asked, mystified. "For what?"
"The Official Fanfiction University of the 39 Clues," Dan said proudly.
"Wait, hold on. University?" Stacey shook her head. "I am waytoo young to go to one of those. I'm not even in high school yet!"
"This is a Fanfiction University," Fiske elaborated. "You do not have to be a certain age to attend. You simply need to have the required writing level."
"You mean… you guys saw my writing?"
"Yup," Dan said, cringing.
"And you liked it?" Stacey began to bob excitedly.
"Heck, no!"
"But… But I don't understand!"
"Of course you don't," Fiske said. "But hopefully, after a semester at the OFU39, you will."
Stacey shook her head. "This is the weirdest dream that I've ever had," she muttered.
"It's not a dream," Dan said. "Although it's been frightening to see how many girls dream about me..." He stared off into the distance with a horrified expression on his face, and shuddered. "So… many… of them…"
"…What's wrong with him?" Stacey whispered to Fiske. He only shook his head sadly, and continued to explain about the University.
"Stacey Carter, your writing license has been provoked as of now. You will not be able to write or post any stories on Fanfiction-dot-net until you have-"
"WHAT?" Stacey shrieked. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T WRITE?"
Fiske groaned, and then launched into a speech that had obviously been recited many times before. "Do not worry. You will still be able to write your own fanfictions again. All you have to do is enroll in the Official Fanfiction University of the 39 Clues, OFU39 for short, and pass all of the courses, such as Grammar 101, taught by Alistair Oh, and Romance, instructed by Ian Kabra. The teaching staff includes many others from the series, including Jonah Wizard and Irina Spasky. Once you have successfully completed the course, you will receive your writer's license, and you can continue to write and publish as you see fit. Is that understood?"
Stacey swooned. "Ian… Ian Kabra? Ian Kabra is going to… I'm going to meet Ian Kabra?"
"Ha, told you she was an Ian fan!" Dan smirked. "You said she was going to be all for Hamilton. Pay up!"
"We never made an actual bet," Fiske protested. "There have just been an unnatural amount of Ian lusters, and I thought that she might be a tad more unique."
Dan stuck his tongue out in reply.
"So you're saying that I'll be able to see Ian," Stacey said eagerly. This was certainly one of her stranger dreams, but at least it had Ian in it, who was one of her many book crushes. As long as he was in her mind's creations, she was happy to go along with this dream for as long as it lasted. "How? When? Now?! Please?"
Fiske rubbed at his eyes. "You might catch a glimpse of him tomorrow morning," he sighed. "Well, this morning, I suppose, as it is rather late… Or early, rather. But before you can go to the University, you must fill out this application form." He handed her a packet, and she eagerly accepted it.
It was surprisingly thick. The front page had the Cahill crest on it, the elegant C surrounded by the four symbols of the branches. "The Official Fanfiction University of the 39 Clues" was printed at the top. She flipped to the second page. This one contained a lot more words, and after a moment Stacey realized that it was an introduction to the university.
She looked up at Dan and Fiske. "Do I seriously have to read this?" she asked.
"No," Dan piped up eagerly.
"It would be a good idea," Fiske said at the same time.
Stacey made a face as she discovered that the introduction was about five pages long. "Can't you just summarize it for me?"
Fiske sighed. "Well, it goes through the basic idea of what the university is and how it can help you. Then there are the details of various aspects of the university, from room and boarding to the classes you will be taking. It gives advice on how to get around the university, manage your time, etc."
"Sounds boring."
"It is," Dan said.
"I'll just skip it, then." Stacey's face fell when she saw that a list of rules was next. "Ugh, is this whole thing like this?"
"These rules are important," Fiske chastised her. "Following them will keep you out of trouble, embarrassment, punishment, and most likely pain."
The rules were twelve pages long. "Um. I'll take a summary again."
"Just don't do anything illegal or stupid," Dan said. "Oh, and don't glomp anyone."
Stacey shrugged and turned past the rules before Fiske could urge her to read them again. There was another list, this one of classes and their description. Her eyes immediately found the one being taught by Ian; Romance. Unfortunately, there wasn't a picture of him beside his name, but she smiled just to read the words "Ian Kabra." Then curiously, she looked at the class description.
Full credit. This course will deal with romantic relationships between all sorts of characters, exploring their plausibility and potential throughout the series or in an alternate universe. It is suggested that this class be taken simultaneously as Characters, Mary-Sues/OCs and Clichés.
That sounded good—what was better than talking about Amian all day? Or even better, Stacian?
"Can I just take this one all day, every day?" she asked hopefully, pointing it out to Fiske.
He looked at the class dubiously. "Only if that were the sole area in which you need help, and I doubt that is the case."
"Oh…" Stacey gave a small sigh and continued past the list of classes and onto a form. There were lots of questions and places to fill in the answers. The first asked for her name.
"Do I have to answer all these?" She glanced up at Fiske before looking through the questions. Some had plenty of room for answers, but there were still a lot of questions.
"Yes," Fiske told her. "There's no summarizing that."
Stacey groaned. "Lame!" She grabbed her neon purple gel pen, sat at her desk, and quickly wrote down her name. After a moment's thought, she scratched it out and wrote "Stacellia Cahill". That was certainly better than "Stacey Carter".
Dan looked over her shoulder and snorted.
"What?" Stacey gripped her pen protectively. "It's… original… and pretty…"
He only shook his head and laughed.
Shaking it off, Stacey turned back to the form. There were a lot of easy, standard questions, like how old she was, her hair color, and if she had braces. It was nice when she simply had to circle something like "female" or "yes". Other questions took a bit longer to fill out, like her hobbies, talents, and solving for x in a stupid math equation.
"Wait," Stacey said when she came to question 26. "The color of my toothbrush? Why the heck do you guys want to know that?"
Fiske shrugged uncomfortably. "I didn't write the questions."
She looked to Dan, who only grinned. "I wish I could have written the questions."
"There's a reason you didn't write the questions, Dan."
"What, just because I'm not 'old enough'?"
"… Yeah. That's it."
Stacey shrugged and wrote green.
A lot of the questions had to do with the books. It asked how many of them she had read, if she had read the author's other books, and which characters she liked the most and the least. The whole questionnaire went by surprisingly quickly, and she set down her pen with a grateful sight when she finished.
"There! Is that all?" she asked.
"Well, there are a lot more details about the university after the questions," Fiske said. "You might want to read—"
"Ugh, no!" Stacey closed the packet. "Are those just more stuff about how to use the bathroom and when to use a fork? I'm not a little kid, it's not like I won't be able to figure this school out."
"…There's also an agreement form you need to sign." Fiske opened up to the page after the questions. The print was notably smaller than the rest of the packet, and it looked like almost one big block of text.
Stacey raised her eyebrows. "Oh, no. I am not going to read that. How many pages is it? One, two, three… seven?" She stared at Fiske in disbelief.
Dan rolled his eyes. "It's just the fine print stuff. Like, if you get hurt, die, or whatever, it's not our fault. Typical stuff, you know?"
Fiske cleared his throat. "Well, I'm sure that's most of it, but you can never—"
"That's good enough for me." Stacey signed her name below. "Now is that everything?"
Fiske sighed. "I suppose so, for the application…" Stacey handed it to him, glad to be rid of it.
"Then can we go now?" Dan asked. "All of this pink and purple in such a small space is making me dizzy…"
"One more moment," Fiske said before turning back to Stacey. "You had better pack a bag. You will arrive at the University soon, as it is already morning. Rest up. It should be a long day of orientation." With one last shake of his head, Fiske walked out of her room, Dan following close behind. Stacey's door shut with a click, and she stared after it for a long while.
"…That was weird," she finally said out loud to no one in particular. But then she shrugged. Well, she was awfully tired, so she figured that even if she was dreaming, it wouldn't hurt to go to sleep in the dream. She also decided to follow Fiske's advice and pack a bag, just in case the dream didn't do it for her.
Once her favorite outfits, accessories, and make-up were in the bag, she also stuck in her ipod, which was full of various Disney Channel artists' music. All of her outfits were modeled after their looks, she was proud to admit. She took great care of them, and was glad to be an only child—all of the money was spent on her that way.
When Stacey finished, she surveyed her room. She wondered what her dream would conjure up next… Well, it would probably end when she went to bed anyway, so she quickly changed into her pajamas and snuggled under her pink Hannah Montana covers, hugging her Camp Rock pillow close to her.
The last thing she saw before sleep overwhelmed her was the soft blue light of her alarm clock, announcing it to be 1:47 A.M.
A/N:
Miss Fia: Yes, this is a rewrite. Much better don't you think?
If you would still like to apply for the university, please go to ofu39(dot)webs(dot)com and find the requirements and instructions there.