Thank you for clicking this story! So you're interested in how he will unravel his biggest problem? You sir or ma'm, wont be disappointed! *whispers*Disco Bear, you can put away the Jack Daniels now*whispers* Yeah, well, Disco Bear isn't my favorite character, but I don't hate him as most fans seem to do, so yeah *Readers stares at me* Anyway, look at my new shirt! It's all nylon! Hahaa...
Now on with the story. Reviews can go to he-I mean, they're warmly welcome. Yes, warmly...Just kidding, all reviews are very welcome, in fact, I would love it. You're awesome.
Dun-dun-duuuuuuuu-*gets hit by a brick, faints*-uuuunnnnn...
It was a new shiny day for Disco Bear, or well...everyday was. DISCO Bear, anyone? Anyway, he woke up, made his bed and went to the cafeteria in town to get his breakfast which consisted of the opposite of fruits and vegetables. Butter, waffles and bacon. Mmm, bacon, seriously, who doesn't like it?
He was thinking about that after he was finished with his meal, he would go to the new hair saloon Mole just opened and get that 80's porn mustache he had always wanted.
So he merrily skipped down the street...disco style. It wasn't a really good idea since every happy tree friend he passed had blood leaking out of their eyes at the sight of it. Disco Bear waved to Nutty, who put a lollipop in his mouth before shooting himself in the head with a candy cane designed gun. As usual, he ignored the puddle of blood from the green squirrel and just continued walking.
This kept on happening on his way. Even when he quit doing the disco walk, he made the opposite of moonwalking instead. But it didn't really help either; he would greet with an ear assaulting "Ohhhh yeaahhh" and they would take out guns and shoot themselves. Let me note that it was a normal day for Disco Bear...normal as cheese pudding.
After having breakfast, he ran out as fast as he could. Soon after Petunia came out and yelled something at him, shaking her fist furiously. From inside, the stove was burning, and since this is the town of unlogical deaths the fire reached her from a forty feet distance, set her and fire and she burned up. Her dead body formed a cute little starfish which Disco Bear took a shot of with his glittering camera.
For your curiousity...ohh, you gonna like this...Disco Bear did nothing, ha! Just his mere existence could set fire on things! *cricket sounds* No, not through pyromania! That is unlogical...*Thinks of the logic of htf and sees your grins* Oh, shut up! Just, shut up!
Dadalidoodoo, Disco Bear went into the hair saloon and greeted Mole, taking a seat and giving the Mole instructions of how he wanted his mustache.
"Yo, funky-o! I would like a mustache...you know, like that red plumber, y'know? That guy's funky, yo!"
"It's aboot time someone respected him, eh." Said Mole and began spraying some rogaine underneath his nose, which was actually...pepper spray! It caused him to achoo through the roof and ruin all the savings Mole did to buy this place, which was merely 50 bucks or something, cause the walls inside had inbred rats.
Mole was angry nonetheless, so he literally kicked his ass out, before getting crushed by the roof above.
Later, DB spotted Cuddles, Toothy, Handy, Flippy and Mime (through his hand signs) having a conversation about random stuff.
"Whuzzah!" Said Toothy with a derpy face.
"Whuzzaaaaah!" Cuddles replied with a derpier face.
"Whuzzah!" Flippy argued, having his normal face.
"..." Handy glared for he was always pissed off about his hands and could never get his ass over it.
Mime didn't know how to say that with hand signals, so he just made the "Frizzle" hand signal.
"I don't get it, why are we talking about Chinese dragons?" Cuddles suddenly asked.
"Yeah, I wanted to talk about unicorns." Flippy whined.
Then Disco Bear came in to be the annoying butt seal as usual.
"Whuzzah!" He said, trying to fit in.
"Shut up, Disco Bear." Toothy glared at him.
"Yeah, shut up or speak like a normal person." Flippy chewed him out.
He hang his head low, walking away depressed.
They reverted back to their conversation.
"Hrmm...whuzzah!" Cuddles yelled out in glee, hugging himself.
"What the f(bleep)ck did you just call me b(bleep)tch?" Handy threatened with, recieving a nervous smile before the handicapped badass pummeled the rabbit down with his feet.
Disco Bear had a very depressing life. No matter what he did, stuff went wrong, and most of it wasn't even his fault. And when he tried to be nice, people would just kill themselves or yell at him before he could reach a proper actual discussion. So one day, he got sick of his butt monkey status (wait everyone has it...hmm...okay, he has the Super Ultra Butt Monkey status, happy now?), so he decided to seek help from none other than Buddhist Monkey for advice. He reached his house with wasn't a library in this fanfic, but a dojo.
"Master Buddhist Monkey? Are you home?" He asked out loud, before getting attacked by some monkey from behind. Freaked out of his mind, he screamed like a little girl. BM held up his knife high up in the air about ready to stab him. Then...
"Congratulations. You're the 69th person to come to this dojo ever! Have this knife." He handed DB the knife with a kind smile.
"Uhmm...ok, cool." He shrugged and took it, because free crap was cool. "But why 69?"
"Because...pfft...69." BM sniggered.
Later, at BM's throne, which was a pile of books (Hey, J.K ROWLING books, so it counts!), DB explained his problems.
"I seem very unliked in this town. I mean, I don't do anything! I just live about my life and try to make friends!" He whined, disregarding BM's blank look shot at him, sitting in a meditation position.
"Really?" He asked cynically, "There isn't anything you do to annoy them?" At that, DB mused for a second, thinking back a few days.
"Well...maybe I have done things that maybe annoyed them a little..." He thought absently as the screen became blurry, but was stopped in motion at BM's protests.
"Stop! No flashbacks! I already have butt cramps from the last time I had to sit and listen!"
"Aww, come on. It will be as short as those Family Guy cutaways. Besides, I have hemorrhoid cream with me." Disco Bear begged.
"Really? Why?" BM asked.
Disco Bear stared sideways, then back at the monkey. "My face cheeks are sore?"
"Works for me," BM said and Disco Bear sat down to tell his story, which were only small Flashbacks to various annoying things he had done in the past.
Flashback #1
DB eavesdropped on Cuddles, Nutty, Handy, Mime and Flippy from behind a tree.
"You know what guys?" Nutty said and sucked on a lollipop, "I hate those chocolate bars that have sticky creamy thingies that get stuck on your gums!"
"You've told us that ten times already!" Handy scowled, "You're pathetic. Come up with something new!"
"Yeah, come up with something newer than the war!" Flippy randomly threw out.
"Yeah, something newer than Giggles being a whore." Cuddles also threw out of the blue.
Cutaway
Cuddles came home from work, exhausted and eager to meet his wife, so he rushed into the bedroom to see her, only to stare on in shock. She was in bed with someone else, and she didn't even bother to hide it!
"Giggles...how could you do this to me?" He sobbed.
"So what? It isn't the first time." She countered in a deadpan voice, filing her nails.
"Giggity giggity goo!" Said her bed mate.
End Cutaway
"Then she said that 'Giggity' was a cute pet name for her and he said 'Sure, let's go with that', and I'm pretty sure that was a blatant lie. Wasn't that funny, guys? Guys?" Cuddles looked around at all the blank stares given to him.
"...Nutty, tell me more about your candy stories." Handy said boredly, turned to Nutty.
"Or the war!" Flippy commented.
Just then, Giggles ran in, and Cuddles made a disgusted motion of his index finger in his mouth.
"Hello, guys. What's up?" She asked gleefully.
"Your ass." Cuddles quipped and the others snickered like Beavis and Butthead.
She put her hands on her hips and gave the person with the quip an offended glare. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me, harlot," He responded, "I would rather call you a slut, but I remembered you have to have at least two brain cells to qualify as one. Burn!" He quipped and made a high five hand towards Handy, who just glared hard in response.
He noticed and chuckled nervously.
"You know what?" Handy sighed in annoyance, "I'm gonna go do some useful things with the limbs I actually have." He walked away but bumped into Disco Bear on his way who gave one of his traditional, sh(bleep)t-eating smiles.
"Like shagging Petunia?" No one thought it was funny, meaning, no one laughed. Ok, maybe Mime snorted as a laugh, but was elbowed by Nutty shortly after.
"Ugh!" Handy had his small cute stumps pointed upwards as he walked away from the group quickly.
Disco Bear then walked up to Flippy in a slow, disco stylish way. They just stood there and stared at each other, and weirdly, Flippy didn't glare, seeing as he was a nice guy, but he stared with no expression nonetheless. They stood there for a few minutes before Disco Bear said something.
"So...tch..." He tried to sound cool, "You've turned Flaky into a woman yet?"
"WHAT!"
End Flashback #1
"Ok, ok, that one wasn't about me...that much...but this one will be! And the next! And next!" Disco Bear told a bored Buddhist Monkey, who yawned and had his hand on his cheek.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, quick. I'm getting sore."
Flashback #2
The same gang hung out, but with Sniffles instead of Nutty, and as the author doesn't like him, she will have him short-lived.
"Hey, guys, do you have chloroform?" He said before a random huge chloroform handkerchief fell on top of him and squeezed him to death. Muhahaha that's the power of my author abilities!
"Aww, man, why do you guys always have to remind me of the war." Flippy whined like a preteen before turning hostile as he flipped out, taking out a knife and slit the throats of Cuddles and Handy. After that, he turned around with a sinister look towards Mime. He gulped.
"Well, sh(bleep)t." He cursed uncharacteristically, staring wide-eyed at the normally nice bear. But before he had the chance to get killed and then revived somewhere nearby, Disco Bear appeared on the scene.
"PIG POWER IN THE...HOOOUUUSEEE!" A disco ball randomly appeared, hit Flippy in the head, and the thread then did a swing around him and the tree nearby, tying him up. Then it squeezed him to death.
Disco Bear faced a gaping Mime confidently, walking up to him.
"No need to thank me, let me just sign my autograph on your right buttcheek and we're even."
Mime angrily made a chain of hand signals saying that 'He would have rather been killed by Flippy or been his bitch for the rest of his life than saved by him', slapped him, and walked away with anger, flipping the bird as he did.
Disco Bear touched were Mime had slapped him. "I bet that means 'Thank you' in Texas."
Flashback #3
Flippy was really freaking nervous, that's what he was. He and Flaky were having a picnic on the grass and the sun was about to set. He watched her as she watched the orange shades of the sunset, smiling beatifully and made his knees grow weak. He loved her so much. He hoped she would be feeling the same.
"Flippy, look, that's so beautiful." She sighed, crouching closer to him and snuggling. He blushed harder.
"Y-yes," he sounded high-pitched, "It is." He had the small box ready, he looked down on it, and breathed deeply. 'Come on, you can do this', was his motivation mantra to himself.
"Flaky, I was meaning to tell you something..." She turned to him with her cute ruby eyes, "Sure, what is it?" She asked curiously.
He shakily took her hands. "Flaky...I...I love you..." He hesitantly said, witnessed her going redder than her fur.
She smiled shyly. "Flippy...I, love you too..." She shook, looking into his green eyes.
He released one hand and said, "That's why I wanted to ask you this," he fished up his small box, and held it out to her, earning a surprised but joyful gasp.
"Flaky, will you m-"
At that moment, the sun set, and Disco Bear randomly appeared, falling from the sky. A disco ball appeared and shone up the place.
"Don't blame it on the sunshine
Don't blame it on the moonlight
Don't blame it on the good times
Blame it on the boogie!"
Disco bear moonwalked aroung their picnic rug as Flaky sighed heavily, but Flippy got so mad he flipped out.
"Aghh! You ruined everything! I planned this for months, and I rehearsed the damn thing 46 times!" The now evil Flippy chased after the Disco Bear, but alas, he couldn't catch him, his fast boogie movements barely avoiding just as evil Flippy thrust his knife towards him. Then he gave up with a frustrated growl.
"You know what, f(bleep)ck it. We'll go somewhere else. Come Flaky." Flippy turned back to normal, took Flaky's hand and sulkily walked away with her following behind.
"So much for thanking your wingman!" DB shouted after them.
"Yeah!" Said a living chicken wing that walked in and stood next to DB, "You better be sorry!"
DB stared at him in confusion.
"Who are you?"
"The wingman."
"You're the worst wingman I've ever seen."
The chicken wing then kicked him in the nuts and walked off-screen.
"Augh! Dude, not funky! Right in the disco balls!" He shouted and grabbed his crotch in pain as he doubled over.
Flashback #4
Disco Bear took a stroll through the park and walked upon Pop and Cub playing by the swings. But just as he approached, Pop noticed him, stopped the swing and covered Cub's eyes.
"Aww, come on!" DB griped, "I can be pretty great with kids!"
"I believe it when I see it." Pop accused, not removing his hands from Cub's eyes.
DB got an idea, "Okay then. Let me give him a new toy to play with!" He took out something from his pocket and was about to give it to Cub when Pop slapped his hand away.
"Idiot! You can't give him a freaking condom!" Pop yelled at him.
"Why not? It's not like he knows what it is. Besides, it's fun to play with in the water holes." Everything DB said made sense, and hence Pop couldn't argue with that it sounded reasonable.
"Hmm, good point." Pop agreed.
"Daddy, look! I think I can fit my doodies in this thing!" Cub exclaimed, Pop not turning to his son but instead gave a nervous DB an angry stare.
"...get out or I'll call security." Pop threatened and pointed to the exit, in which DB sadly walked to.
When he was out of sight, Pop looked frantically around, before bending down and whispered to Cub,
"Son, can I...borrow your toy sometime?"
"Beg harder." Cub demanded.
Flashback #4 end
"Not to mention my luck with ladies", DB complained, Buddhist Monkey watching a moth fly, since it was more interesting than DB's sob stories.
Flashback #5
Disco Bear dances disco style into the gym, where he sees Giggles and Petunia gossiping with each other. He walks up to them.
"Hello, ladies", he greeted and clicked with his tongue and pointed at them.
"I swear, if you come any closer, pedo bear, I will call the police and tell them you touched us inappropriately." Giggles threatened, aberrant. He slowly backed off.
"Aww, what gives?" He whined before noticing a familiar, cute porcupine by the weights. He smiles confidently and walks up to her.
"Hey, baby. You best be rid of most of your quills, cause you'll spike me with your beauty if you don't." He flirted.
"Eep! A pedophile!" She yelled and sprayed pepper spray in his eyes, before running up to Flippy and shyly hid behind him, who just sighed, rolling his eyes. DB wasn't affected. He had become immune.
"That was the worst pick-up line I've ever heard." Flippy commented in a deadpan voice.
Then nothing. It surprised DB.
"Aren't you going to bop me for flirting with your lady?" He asked, scratching his ear.
"Hmm...nah. Not just bop you. Ever heard of tranquil fury?" Flippy grinned creepily.
"Tranquil wh-" The war veteran then delivered a kick to his stomach, landing into the wall. Running up to the butt monkey, Flippy grabbed his hair and slammed his head repeatedly into the wall, then dragged him backwards, threw him onto the ground, pummeled his already beaten body with kicks to a pulp, took Petunia's bowl with yoghurt she had and dumped it on his head. Flippy then walked over his beaten up body, stepping on his face, and reached a hand out to a shocked Flaky.
"Shall we go?" He asked in a very warm-hearted manner. The porcupine stared at him wide-eyed, before screaming and running through the wall making a cartoony shape on the wall of her escape.
Flippy shrugged. "Meh, okay, I'll score later then." He walked out of the gym casually.
Meanwhile, DB was laying muttering to himself.
"I think it's about time that I buy that noose."
Flashback #5 end
"Then there was that time everyone turned into zombies and I did the thriller dance with them...then they ate me." DB told Buddhist Monkey, whose expression changed to sheer terror at that.
"Oh, Lord, no! How could you do that?! You monster! You don't play Michael Jackson with anyone! Are you insane?!" BM exclaimed.
"Umm, no. Anyway, do you have any advices on how people will stop being disapproving of me?" DB asked.
Buddhist Monkey had known the answer half an hour ago, so there hadn't been a need for DB to tell those stories, but you know...Rule of Funny, guys? Heheh...ha...*quiets down* Well, that's it for my narration. *Jumping into a worm hole*
"Maybe people dislike you because you're an ass?" BM said in a snarky manner.
"That will not work as a plot device! Come up with something better!"
"Fine. Maybe people dislike you because you're an Elvis-obsessed discotard?" He changed his speculation.
"Much better." DB concluded.
"Well, is that all? Isn't there anything else that made you this person to everyone?" BM asked boredly. Sometimes he hated his job. IQ were dropped each week that passed from everyone.
"Yeah, well, I think my mom could have influenced me." DB told him, thinking back at his childhood.
"Did she give you any advice at all?"
"Well, there was one..." He trailed off as the screen became blurry again.
"What did I get myself into...?" BM said with regret, ready for more butt cramps from another flashback sob story.
Childhood Flashback
DB and his mom were sitting in the kitchen, Mom was having quality time with him while baking.
"Son, if anyone is ever disapproving of you, imitate Elvis Presley. Everybody loves Elvis Presley." She speculated.
"But, mom, Elvis is different from me..." Which was true, he was wearing normal kid clothes with nerdy glasses, and he was very shy, timid and adorkable.
"What did I tell you about talking about Elvis Presley in this house?" She yelled at him angrily.
"B-but you just said..." He nearly sobbed.
"No buts! You're grounded, young man! Rude child, if you talk about Elvis again, then three hours dungeon!"
He cried as he ran up the stairs, away from his mother.
"AND DON'T YOU DARE PLAY ELVIS PRESLEY MUSIC UP THERE!" She went back to baking and muttered cynically to herself. "Kids these days, always talking about Elvis Presley." With those words, she finished her Elvis Presley cupcakes for her Elvis Presley shrine.
Childhood Flashback End
"Never mind", DB said and the screen turned to normal from it's previous blurriness. He hadn't told his story. "I don't want to talk about it."
"I bet it's something stupid like her being an Elvistard." BM said, guessing wildly.
"Heheh...yeah..." DB chuckled nervously.
"Well, here's my conclusion," BM closed in on him and grabbed his collar strictly. "Stop being an ass. Now go, I have more clients. Move along!" He waved away the bear, who did as he was told. On his way out, he found Splendid and Splendont, looking angrily away from each other.
"Uhmm..." DB said, looking at them suspiciously, "What's your-"
"Rival counseling. Now shut up." They said in unison, hissing.
"Okay, okay, sheesh." The bear went away from the pair, mumbling to himself. "Why is everyone so offensive around here?"
After he left, the two hero flying squirrels began to claw at each other horribly violently; Splendid bit Splendont's leg whereas Splendont bit his tail. And they went on and on and...
"Next." BM said monotonously, opening the door. The two squirrels sat there as if nothing had happened, almost looking as pouncey as those Englishmen.
BM stared in surprise at them for a moment, a little bit horrified at the implications.
"I noticed your clothes are in disarray...are you-"
"YOU NEED AN OPTICIAN! NO!"
Will Disco Bear ever be accepted? Will Buddhist Monkey keep his job for a while longer without going bonkers? Will Splendid and Splendont get along? Will Giggles stop being prostitute? Will Flippy and Flaky ever get together? And for the love of heroism...will we ever find out DB's real name?
...
You don't care, do you? Shame!
Find out on the next episode of "The Bear Who Cried Disco!"
DB: Rawrr!
Me: *Points to exit* Get out.
DB: Aww, even the author hates me.
Me: What? No, I don't.
DB: Really? *glistening eyes*
Me: Yes, but don't let it get to your *gets glomped* Ahh, dammit, now I need to take a second shower in one day!
SONGS SUNG
Tag Team - Pig Power In The House (The song is so bad that you WILL love it. Look it up).
Michael Jackson - Blame It On The Boogie (In honor of Michael Jackson who's been dead for 5 years soon).
That's all, folks!