Saints Row: The What?
"Yo Boss, wake up man." An irritating voice said.
Boss opened his eyes slowly. His head was killing him. The last thing he remembered was partying with that Lord Bryon dude. The ceiling was spinning above him and the light was throbbing like jackhammer tap dancing on his eyes. He slowly sat up.
"Pirece, what the fuck am I wearing?" The Boss asked taking in his current dress.
"You and Shaundi got pretty wasted and then you agreed to let her give you a makeover."
Boss groaned, placing his palms to his forehead trying to stop the headache and pushing off the long blond wig he had been wearing. "You know what. Don't care. I'm ridiculous, we all know this. But mention this ever. Ever again, and I will make you pay."
"What ever you say Boss." Pierce pulled Boss up to his feet. Which can be tricky to get to in six inch heels.
"So where is she?" Boss asked, wobbling as he found his balance.
"Playing twister with that poet guy."
"Pierce, you're one of the smartest guys in the gang. How is it you know zero about culture or history."
"I went to the school of hard knocks man."
"Internet, use it."
A moan came from above them.
Boss and Pierce looked up at the ornate ceiling. A massive glass chandler hung there at a tilt.
"Gat, get the hell down from there." Boss yelled at his second in command who hung from the lights.
Gat rolled over, falling down to the floor from twelve feet up. He was pretty beaten up, his clothes torn to shreds. He lay there on the floor face down. "When I find that elephant, I'm gonna kill it." He muttered the words muffled by the thick carpet trying to find it's way down his throat.
"Yeah...I got nothing." Boss said turning to the the door, carefully making his way through the sleeping bodies splayed on couches and floor.
Gat rolled over, eyes briefly opening. "Nice ass" He said groggily then closed his eyes, snoring starting before even a second had past.
Pierce coughed awkwardly. "Anyway, I got nothing on where everyone else is."
Boss shook his head. Then winced at the pain. He was all for partying hard, but it seemed like they might have gone a little over board this time. As he thought about this he happened to glance out the window to the pool in the backyard. A goat was standing on top of a VTOL jet half sunk in the pool. Of course the goat was wearing a party hat, had women's underwear hanging from each horn, and was wearing sunglasses. Which would have been more than enough anytime, but in 1820 it was pushing the realms of acceptable reality.
Boss opened the door and stepped into the hallway. The sounds of crashing and laughing directed him to another door. He opened it to find Shaundi and George Bryon playing.
"Right hand red." Shaundi slurred, clearly drunk. It was also her left hand on a red, the right was holding a bottle of wine.
"Either of you two seen Kinzie?" Boss asked.
"Two doors down." Said Lord Bryon as he fell flat on his ass.
"Right, Shaundi, sober up. Party is over."
"Why?"
"Look at me."
"You look hot."
"That's besides the point."
"True that, Boss looks like a playa no matter what." Pierce added in looking over Boss's shoulder into the room.
Boss just sighed. "Look as fun as this is, we have partied long enough..."
"Two weeks, four days, six hours." Pierce added helpfully.
"Right, and that was just this time. We need to get around to saving the earth."
"Oh so we are doing that? I thought it was impossible so we were partying across time and space."
"I don't care what science say, we have a freaking time machine. If we can't save the earth then we can at least do something right."
"What's got your panties in a twist all of a sudden? You know besides the fact that your wearing panties now. You "
"
"Your just upset cause ya a lightweight." Shaundi said sticking out her tongue.
"EVERYONE IS A LIGHTWEIGHT COMPARED TO HIM."
"It's true, I once drank 30 men under the table, then there was more going on under it." Lord Bryon idly said, showing no signs of the hard partying that had been going on.
"Look, just be ready to jet in a bit." Boss then did a double take, not sure if he had just woken up enough for his eyes and brain to start working right or what.
"Shandi, why are you covered in paint...Your playing twister with paint aren't you."
"Well duh. Twister hasn't been invented yet."
Boss just stood there wordlessly.
Pierce took a swig from a flask before saying, "Can't argue with that."
"Pierce, shut the hell up."
"Yeah Pierce. Hey...did you do something with your hair?" She pointed with her left hand causing her to fall chest first into a puddle of blue paint. Shaundi giggled.
"I didn't do nothing to my hair." Pierce said indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Been there done that." Boss said, then knocked Pierces hat off his head, reviling a rainbow colored buzcut. "Not even going to ask." Boss said pushing past.
Shaundi busted up laughing. "Gawd, you two are FABULOUS. Not that that's anything new for you Pierce."
"I will shank you."
"If you had a knife."
Boss just kept walking.
He came to the door that Kinzie was supposedly behind. He considered knocking, also considering trying to kick the door down just cause he could, but with the heels and long dress hobbling his movement he just opened the door like a normal person.
In the center of the room was a massive four post bed. Filled to the brim with naked women, some of them tied creatively to said posts or each other.
"Kinzie!" He called out.
A muffled, "Here" came from the piles of limp blissfully unaware bodies.
Boss went over to the bed and starting fishing about. He pulled out one girl who looked like her at first. "Your not Kinzie." He tossed her aside. She landed on another with a huff but soon turned her attention to the girl she had landed on.
Then he found her at the bottom of the pile. He lifted her up to a sitting postion.
"Hey sexy" She started. "...Boss?"
"Long story."
She started laughing uncontrollably. "I didn't know you liked to pretend to be a girl. What were you worried I wouldn't let you join the harem?"
"Kinzie. I know I let everyone get away with a lot, I don't demand respect, that has to be earned. But by insulting cross dressers, you insult David Bowie, and that I can't let stand."
"...I don't know it meant that much to you."
"Never mind that, I need to get my Freckle Bitch on."
"Uh red hair dye and some sun?"
Boss shot her an evil eye.
"I think there is one in here somewhere."
"The hamburger place."
"OH, why didn't you say so."
"I did, and you are the only one who can operate the time machine, so if you could get your nerdy ass out of bed and get us out of here, that would be much appreciated."
"Right, I can do that, just let me find my pants." She reached down into the pile. An eep and a squeal issued from it. "Those are not pants." She stated matter of factly.
Boss went back out into the hall to find Shanudi, Gat, and Pierce standing there like the walking dead. "Pierce, did you find my clothes?"
"I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for them."
"Pierce, in the future. If I don't have my clothes. It's assumed that you are supposed to find them unless I ask you not to. Shaundi?"
"Fireplace."
"Of course. Why?"
"It got cold last night." Which was bullshit, Shaundi had just found it funny at the time.
"Why I even ask." Boss said with an exasperated sigh.
"Your a sucker for punishment?" Kinzie
"Look just gather everyone up so we can get out of here and get back to saving the world."
Soon all the missing saints were gathered. Meaning Asha, Mat, and Serious Shanudi. A while back they had cloned a body for Fun Shaundi and transferred her thought patterns into it. Nobody knew where Keith David had gone to after what happened, and King was still in Egypt helping with the construction of the pyramids.
They all got beamed up to the space ship.
Kinzie did the math for the time travel as they each got settled in. Boss went to his room to change into something more normal, only to find out that there was a minor problem with that.
He found the clothes clinging to his skin at the edges. "Son of a bitch. SHAUNDI!" He yelled out.
She popped her head in, yeah boss?
"Other Shaundi." He said doing his best to keep his cool.
"Right let me get her."
Two minutes later Fun!Shaundi came in.
"Yeah Boss?"
"Why superglue?"
"Huh?"
Boss pointed at the clothes and how they clung tightly to his skin as he tried to pull them off.
"Weird... wasn't me."
"If it wasn't you, then who?"
"I don't know man."
"Asha, this means war."
"Wait didn't you replace her shampoo with pink hair dye?"
"She put blanks in my gun."
"Cause you put itching powder in her suit."
"Only cause she started it by pranking the moon landing. As the last president of the united states, I can not tolerate attacks on my glorious country by a tea drinking union jacker."
"Boss, I think your going a bit crazy here."
"Going?"
"Right, ok you have always been a bit off. But I think your bored. As long as I've known you, you've been fighting something or someone. Now? Now you have nothing to fight, the world is your oyster, you can do anything. But that bores you, you need a challenge, so you start a prank war with Asha. Something not really your style. Which I guess is why you are suddenly so hot to somehow save the earth. When really there is no rush too."
"Besides all our friends being dead?"
"They aren't really dead and you know it."
"Then why aren't they here? With us?"
"Oh hey guys, we are from the future and have a time machine and shit. Also what Kenzie said about the problems of running into our past-selves and the universe blowing up."
"Right that, I knew I was forgetting something."
"Look I know you want to do the right thing, you haven't been the same since Christmas. But this is the one time we can't just rush in blind and hope for the best. We got to have a plan and get it right from the start, otherwise there are no do overs or second chances."
"Then why haven't we been working on something?"
"We have been waiting for you. Also the vacation has been nice, but mostly for you. I think everyone can tell that your not ready yet, as much as you want to be. There is something holding you back, and your our Boss. We aren't going anywhere without you."
That was when Gat came on over the speaker system. "Thank you for flying on Saint's Timeline. We are now arriving at earth circa 2007. All those looking to get their burger on sound off. Ah who am I kidding, everyone loves murder burgers. Yum, tasty tasty murder."
Not long after that they were down on earth. They were all gathered in a Freckle Bitch's in Stillwater. They looked a sight, but such was the nature of the Saints, when they weren't kicking ass. As they had kicked all the ass there was to kick they were all now turning self destructive. It was only to a minor degree, like a slow cancer. Part of the problem was really how much they had messed up the timeline. They were all slowly going out of phase , the best example was Kinzie stealing the famous fan scene which somehow cause Burt Reynolds to never make a movie. Which was causing reality to try and tear the information form the Boss' head. Butterfly effects can be a bitch like that.
Perhaps the most ironic part was that these changes were slowly echoing through time, explaining why everyone involved with the saints was six different kinds of nuts.
As everyone chowed down a thought hit Gat. "Hey Kinzie, what day is it?"
"Uh may 9th. Why?"
"That explains that." Gat stood up drawing two .45s from his jacket.
"Whats going on?" Asked Asha pulling the gun she had strapped to her thigh.
"Oh nothing much, just a bunch of Ronin coming to try to kill me, always wondered about that. Now it makes sense."
All of a sudden a small gang of yellow clad gangsters came in through the door. Gat lit them up with the flash of gun fire and flying lead. The twenty dead sword bearers never stood a chance. Gat sat back down.
"I feel better know, f***ing ********ers."
Boss who knew Gat the best knew what was up. He wasn't about to say anything about how Gat just most likely started the war between the Ronin and Gat. In fact he was sure Gat knew that.
As for Gat, oh he knew. One day he had had a shit ton of yellow clad assholes after him, saying he had killed their men. At the time he didn't know what they had been on about. That little fiasco was had made him end up in court on 300 counts of murder. Really should have been about 250, thats how many Ronin he had killed since his previous arrest. Of course everyone kept telling him it didn't work that way, never told him why not though.
"Anyway now that everyone is sated, Gats blood lust, everyone else's stomach." Boss started, receiving odd looks from his hommies. "Stop staring." Everyone did their best to look innocuous. "I want to get us started on fixing things."
"You know, we don't really do the whole fixing thing, we tend to break stuff more ya know?" Pierce said with a dismissive wave of his hand.
"Doesn't change the fact, as the last surviving humans."
"Except for all the people in what ever time we are in." Shaundi corrected.
"Or those human popsicles chilling out in the Saint Empire." Gat added.
"Right, ok, except those. Still as the last president of earth-"
"America." Asha said, taking her turn to correct.
"Like I said last president of earth," The Boss continued. "It is my responsibility to look out for those who gave me that title. I shall not rest," He slammed his fist down on the table causing fries and drinks to fly everywhere as they bounce a good foot off the table. "Until such time as I can again do the duty for which I was elected."
There was a stunned silence. "Gee Boss, I didn't know it meant that much to you." Both Shaundies said at the same time.
The Boss looked around the table, at each face. "I've said before, I would die for my crew. To me that seems like a lie, as here I sit, but so many don't and while the people who elected me are not my crew, I don't know their faces or names. I do know that it ain't right for us to go on living in an empty playground slowly running down the clock. What happens when we go? I'd like to leave a legacy, and that something I can only do with earth. The Zin? They don't get it, they respect power so they follow. That's not a legacy I want, that's the Vice Kings, Julius, Ultor, KillBane, Zinyak. I want to be remembered for our deeds. Part of the reason I ran for president was power and ego of course, but only part. The rest was cause I believed in you guys, that we could do good things. Yeah we might not be flawless whitewashed saints, but we are still Saints even if its just of Third Street in the worst city in the united states."
There was nothing to be said to that. They were all in, how could they not be.
A short time later they were back on the ship, Kinzie was trying to explain the realities of quantum physics to the Saints and it was going over about as well as one would expect. Which was to say poorly. She sighed, exasperated. Luckily she had had a back up plan. She motioned for Shanudi and Shanudi to come over.
"Ok, one more time. The problem with going back in time to stop the earth from being blown up is called an Inverse spacetime wedgie."
"The what?" Pierce asked for the sixteenth time.
"Shaundi." Kinzie said looking at Fun! Shaundi.
Fun! Shaundi then pulled Serious Shaundi's pants down, reviling her iconic purple briefs.
"I still don't see why I'm doing this." Serious! Shaundi said.
"Simple, you're the hot one."
"Oh...wait a minute, you look just like-"
Kinzie cut off the two. "Ok imagine that her ass is space."
Pierce snickered. "It's not that big."
"I will kill you."
Kinzie ignored them. "And her underwear was time."
"Oh so that's what they mean when they say the fabric of time."Gat chimed in as sudden understanding hit him, or at least he thought so.
"It works for this example yes. Now as I was saying, going back in time and creating a paradox such as stopping the earth from being destroyed creates-"
Now it was Boss' turn to add his two cents in the form of a question."Wait, how does that form a paradox."
"You went back in time to stop something from never happening making it never happen, so you never went back in time, so it did happen, but it didn't."
"And now my head hurts."
"Right, and think about how reality feels. As all that time and space bunches up and gets winkled and tangled."
At that Fun! Shaundi yanked Serious! Shaundi's panties up with startling speed and strength, lifting her more serious side off the ground by an inch for a fraction of a second. Which caused her to yelp and her hands to go down between her legs as if that would stop the pain. Fun! Shaundi let her go.
"There was nothing sexy about that, just painful."
"I disagree." Kinzie said, her dominate side showing.
"Ok assuming this fan service show is accurate, I don't get the inverse part." Asha questioned.
"As we saw the bunching up is not very pleasant which will cause reality to attempt to correct the problem."
"Would you stop referring to me in ways that implies I have a big ass?" Serious! Shaundi asked, picking out the fabric that had dug into her.
"That would be lying. So as I was saying, then reality tries to correct the violation. Hence the inverse part."
Boss took his eyes off Serious! Shaundi. "And I take it there is a problem with that?"
"All of space and time exploding out at once."
"Ok that sounds bad."
"How would you like to be at the center of the big bang?"
"The gravity of my ego is not that big."
"I didn't think so. Anyway that is why we can't go back in time and stop the earth being blown up."
"What if we went farther back in time and changed things so that we didn't need to directly save the earth but it came about as caused by changes that we could make which we make sure happen as we tell one of us to go back in time and give that person the same instructions creating a kind of closed loop for the paradox but still letting time go on?"
"Who are you and what did you do with the Boss?" Kinzie asked.
He just chuckled at that. "I'm going to take that as a yes."
"Do you have these changes in mind?"
"Well Zinyak said Gat would have been the number one threat to his plans."
"And if I had been there I would have turned that overgrown lizard into a pair of shoes. Course they would have been ugly as Zin."Gat showed remarkable restraint, having gone a whole sentence without creative use of more colorful language.
"And I can think of two other big changes, really just one."
"And what would that be?"
"This all started one night long ago. Back then I didn't know nothing, if I knew what I did now on the other hand."
Gat swore. "The boat of course."
"Yeah the boat, but if we were to change that we would have to make sure you guys still all joined up. So we need to write a book that-" As Boss was speaking another him warped into existence dropped a small purple book on the table then left, beaming out just as he came in.
"Well that was, uh convent." Matt said, looking around to see if anyone else was as stunned as he was. Gat was as cool as ever and Boss just smirked, the rest were surprised.
Boss picked up the book. "Closed loop, didn't I say so. This here is the Third Street Saints handbook and it has everything we need to know to make sure we win."
"How the ever loving- arrrrgh!" Kinzie screamed, she had long ago thought she had become immune to the weirdness and couldn't be surprised by Him. Hell she was the only one who even knew his name. She still didn't see why he was so touchy about Troy, sure it wasn't the most gangster name of all time, but it could have been worse. His name could have been Mikey. Though she had always thought he would make a better Nolan and if female, cross dressing Boss made Kinzie hot, Laura. Yes definitely a Laura.
"Yo, Earth to Kinzie." Boss tapped her on the head.
"What sorry, I was thinking. Trying to figure this all out."
"You don't have to, you already did, right here on page five."
Not all that long later Boss was sent back in time to that fateful day where he was dragged into the world of organized crime.
He stopped his old self a few blocks away from where it would happen.
"You're me?" Playa said, shock clear on his face.
"That's right, and listen up, there ain't enough time to explain." He thrust the book and a .45 into Playa's hands. "Trust the book and always keep that gun on you and loaded. Do it right and we all may just live, do it wrong and everyone you will come to care about will die."
"How do you know this?"
"I'm you from the future. To prove it I will tell you something only you would know."
"What would that be?"
"Your scared to let anyone get close. Your psychopathic father abused you and now you're afraid of becoming like him. Sometimes you feel like there are voices in your head telling you to do or say things. Remember, you are not him, you are your own man. Not a psychopath, not a sociopath, more a puckish rogue."
"Puckish Rogue, I like the sound of that."
"Remember that, follow the book, and try to be better than I was. I did a lot of thing's I regret in hindsight, this is our chance to prove that we aren't him."
"...I can do that."
The older Boss hugged his younger-self. "I got to go now and you got to get ready, the first hardship is coming down this street at you. Shoot anyone who tries to kill you, just like then."
Playa solemnly nodded, and like that the older him was gone.
Some time later in a hotel room in the dark of night, Playa stood over Julius.
"You tried to blow me up, pin all your sins on me and wipe them all out in one fell swoop."
"The Saint's were becoming no better than the Vice Kings."
"The Vice Kings never tried to kill one another."
"Jesus...you haven't learned a god damn thing."
"Wrong! I learned that being in charge was better than being a bitch who kept his mouth shut and does what he's told! More than that, I learned about the gang. They are the only family I have ever given a damn about. You, you don't belong."
The crack of gunfire lit up the dark room, splattering brain and blood all over the carpet floor. Julius was dead. Long live the Boss.
MUCH MUCH LATER.
It was hell on earth as alien space ships fired down upon the White House, but they had been ready.
A ship crashed on the lawn. Boss knew what to do, he jumped up from the chair of his anti-air gun and rushed into the ship. There stood a giant of a monster, ugly as sin. "Zinyak." The Boss said under his breath.
"Oh so you have heard of me, good that makes introductions so much easier." The ten foot tall alien said.
"Do you know what this is?"
"The last day of your pitiably life? The end of your civilization, the day I conquer the final intelligent species? All of the above?"
"Wrong, its the revengeance."
"THAT IS NOT EVEN A WORD!" Zinyak roared.
"Is to, I invented it."
"You can't just make up new words as you see fit."
"Why not? Shakespeare did it?"
"You leave Shakespeare out of this!" Zinyak screeched like a girl as he threw a punch aimed for Boss' head.
Boss ducked under the arm and emptied the eight hollow point rounds into Zinyak's side, the bounced off harmlessly but that wasn't the point. It was just to distract him.
They traded blow after punishing blow until Zinyak pinned the Boss to the ground with one massive clawed foot.
"Any last words?"
"Get the hell off my lawn, you son of a bitch!" Boss yelled.
The timing was perfect, it couldn't have been any better. Gat, Lin, Shaundi, Carlos, Pierce, Oleg, Kinzie, Angel, Zimos, Viola, Kikki, Keith, Asha, King, and Matt busted in through the roof in power armor. Gat punched Zinyak clean of the Boss and then helped him up. Carlos and Angel pinned down the concussed alien warlord.
"See Zinyak, sure your big and bad. But you made one mistake. No one messes with my crew. So all I had to do was buy them time to get suited up and then well, as you can see. It's wonderful to have people who will have your back. That you can trust and that trust you."
There had been a lot of talk about how to kill Zinyak. They had settled on the only fitting death.
Kinzie overrode Zinyak's force field. Boss slid a new mag into his .45 Shepherd.
There were no witty one liners. No last words. Just a lump of lead in the head and it was over. Clean, efficient, like stepping on a bug.
Boss turned to the cameras, old him had been right. Zinyak was ever the show man and could not resist putting on a show.
"All right you primitive screw heads, listen up. I just killed your leader, now I am claiming the right to rule. Any of you don't like it you can come complain to me and mine. Otherwise lay down your weapons. NOW!"
And like that it was over. From that day the Saints lived happily ever after.
~THE END~