It starts off innocently enough.
One moment they were having dinner and discussing their patient and the next they were throwing hurtful words that leave scars in their hearts as they stood in their kitchen facing each other.
For the first time in their marriage, they went to bed with their backs turned to one another.
There were no hugs nor kisses nor whispered sweet nothings as they drift off to slumber.
Instead there was only coldness and hurt and that awful sinking feeling that everything is falling apart when previously it was all perfectly in place.
And so the next morning, she left while he slept.
She writes a note and packs a bag and she doesn't even know where to go but she's sure that for now they must spend some time apart.
Somehow there was a line that they crossed last night.
She realizes it but she's too proud to tell Jackson that.
She doesn't know how she can even begin to be herself around him again when she's not even sure if he really accepts her for who she is and what she believes.
All she has is her faith.
Her faith in her God and in their marriage and her faith that somehow in some way, they'd get to a point where they'd learn to understand one another.
But not now.
Not now when they're angry and hurt and damaged and so she must leave even if it was almost killing her and tearing her apart.
She watches him before she departs and she feels a lump form in her throat as the sunlight catches in his face.
She almost turned back.
But then, she tells herself that this is what they need.
After all, It was only just temporary.
It was only just until they both sort their feelings out.
The first day was the easiest actually.
She immersed herself in work and in her trauma cases and she was reminded of how she did the same when she learnt that he was dating the intern.
It's about during the third day when she starts to feel it.
It was during the nights when she sleeps in Callie and Arizona's airbed and the days when she can feel his eyes boring holes into her back as she eats her lunch with Meredith and Alex.
It spreads in her body like a cancer.
The missing.
Against her best efforts she can't help but dream of sea green eyes and warm arms that hold her and when she wakes up gasping for breath, there was only emptiness and longing and a pain so intense that it literally makes her double over.
She was working on a peds case when her little patient asks her if she has a boyfriend.
She was stumped for a second because even she herself was not really sure as to what Jackson and her were at this given moment.
After a brief flash of hesitation she answers…
"I don't have a boyfriend. However, I do have a husband."
And the term just rolls off her tongue and it makes her smile because she remembers how he makes her spaghetti with chicken and how she comes home to panties washed, dried and folded and she realizes that despite all of this crap that they are now facing, he is still the man who is her husband.
"I knew it!"
The little girl turns smugly towards her mother as if she knew she'd answer yes all along before turning her attention once again to April.
"I bet he's handsome! Since you're very pretty and stuff. I bet he's a prince! Is he here? Can I meet him Dr. Kepner?"
And April smiles sadly because even if she knows that it is a sin to lie there is also a small part of her that does not want to let the little girl down.
"Oh, he's in surgery right now. He has this big case and he's working on it because even if he is already a good surgeon, he wants to be even better."
"Oh."
The girl said thoughtfully.
"I bet he's making himself a better man for you Dr Kepner!"
She said brightly.
And with all her might April wishes that he is.
That they were suffering right now and spending all this time apart because Jackson wants to be a better man for her the way that she wants to be the best for him.
She watches Callie and Arizona as they dance around their kitchen making dinner.
They had been through a plane crash, disability and cheating and here they are still intact and obviously very happy.
She wonders why it was so difficult for her and Jackson.
They also love each other this much but she wonders why it can never be this easy.
Her cell phone rings and she grabs it off the table as her heart soars once again with expectation.
It was not Jackson.
It never is.
No matter how much she hopes and prays that it is every time the door bell rings or whenever her mobile so much as even beeps, it was never him and she's getting tired of waiting.
Sometimes April wishes that she can just put an end to things instead of this limbo that she's living.
"I'm so tired. I just want to give up."
She tells Arizona over wine in their kitchen one night as Callie sleeps alongside Sophia.
"Don't!"
She tells her firmly.
"Jackson loves you. You guys just need time and space but you have to believe you'd come through this!"
Arizona clasps her hands as if to reinforce her words and April unexpectedly finds herself shouting.
"I know!"
And suddenly she feels angry.
At herself.
At Arizona.
At Jackson, she doesn't even know.
All she knows is that she's here pining and he seems to be perfectly coping.
But she wouldn't have waited this long if she didn't believe it.
That he feels for her as much as she does and that despite their difference in beliefs it was not a case of sometimes love just ain't enough but that age old adage that love conquers everything.
But sometimes she thinks that the worst could happen and that the next time they see each other it would be to sign divorce papers.
Her heart aches just at the thought.
She doesn't know if she can still live if ever that will happen.
"I'm sorry."
She found him waiting for her in the dark outside Callie and Arizona's doorstep when she went home that Saturday evening.
He looks like death with his dark eye bags and sallow skin and he looks thinner than she remembered him being.
"I'm lost without you April. Please come home."
His voice cracked as he says the words and the tears in his eyes were almost her undoing.
"I missed you"
She whispers.
Almost suffocating at the relief she feels that he was here right now in the flesh and blood and that he has finally come around after days of not speaking.
"I don't deserve to be missed"
He told her.
"But I still did."
She told him while half laughing and half crying.
And he walks over to her with a groan and he grabs her tightly against him and there was desperation in the way he kisses her as if he was afraid that if he lets her go she would once again disappear, this time to never return to him.
The way they made love that night was different from the others.
It was tender and soft and delicate as if they were sharing their souls with one another.
Jackson and her?
They are a work in progress.
They inflicted wounds that are not that easy to forget but the promise of their future together was much brighter.
After everything that's been said and done, it's not a matter of choice.
It's not whether they will break up or stay together.
In the end, what truly matters is that they love each other.
They love each other so much that they will work through this together.
And as Jackson holds her against him as they both lay down to sleep, April knows that tomorrow would be even better.
They have already taken the first step.
After all this time, after all the days apart, she was finally with her husband.
She was finally where she belongs.
She is finally home and for now, that's all that matters.
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind,
I somehow find you and I collide.
AUTHORS NOTE: After the debacle that was 10x20, i had to do this.
I had to do this to keep my sanity.
So please leave your reviews.
I hope that my positive powers would make its magic on Shonda because Japril needs to stay together so come join me!