"Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you." Joey Adams
–
Draco POV
I feel all of them looking at me. Why can't they stop staring? I know they think I'm just a filthy Death Eater but why do they have to STARE? I'm standing in the platform nine and three quarters waiting for the train. I don't really know why I have to be here, it's not as if I wanted to return but I had no choice. And anywhere is better than in a home that is corrupted with that madman. And I don't even know if I mean Voldemort of my father.
"Draco! You're here!" I hear someone squealing and then I see Pansy running to me and she jumps to my arms and suddenly all feels just slightly better.
"Look at you, Pansy! I could never have imagined you running around and acting as if you cared about others!" Pansy snorts and I feel my face softening. "It's good to see you!"
"It's good to see you too! I never would have guessed that I would say this but I missed your sense of humour." Her face turns a bit sad. "At some point I thought I'd never have you back, with all that happened in the sixth year..." Her voice trails off and we just stand there, looking at each other and not caring about the people around us for a moment. Then the train whistles.
"I guess it's time for us to get on, let's find a compartment where we can be alone."
"I hope Blaise has that covered, I saw him earlier and told him to find a place to sit while I look for you."
At that moment we hear him calling "Draco, Pansy, come here!" from one window and we head to the compartment he's in. The moment I step in I find myself with a lapful of Blaise telling how good it is to see me again. After the emotional part we both get embarrassed and I head farther in to sit down. We talk about light subjects and from the corner of my eye I see the crowd outside getting more and more excited.
"It's Potter, he's also coming back this year", Pansy offers, a bit malice in her voice. I understand, he still has my wand. And I wouldn't have wanted the thoughts about what happened in the Room of Requirement to slip back to the surface, I thought I had gotten over it. Except the regular nightmares.
"I thought he would just become an auror right away", I try to control my curiousness, in the end it isn't my business why he's returning.
"I heard he needs the NEWTs to make it. And maybe he wants some time with that redhead girlfriend of his, they will both be in the same lessons in the end", Blaise offers his opinion.
"Mm, I forgot that." The train accelerating overwhelming all voices and we are quiet for a moment. That is, until there is a knock in the door and a very self-conscious looking Harry Potter opens the door.
"Can I talk with you Malfoy?"
"Sure." I will not be helping him with anything, that's for sure.
"Alone."
I stand up and walk out to the passage. Pansy and Blaise seem to be pretty much speechless.
"So, what did you want to say?" His hand reaching for a wand makes me tense and he notices, slowing down and explaining.
"I just wanted to return your wand, I have my own now and I guess you have good use to it!" I just stare at him, totally frozen. He looks at me a bit worried. "Malfoy, you're in there?"
"Ah, yes, sorry." I take the wand and suddenly I can feel a fresh wind around me and smell the spring, suddenly I feel somehow whole. Judging by Potter's face he notices it too. I smile to him, a genuine, happy smile and he just looks at me as though I was too bright to look at straight but right then, I don't think. "Thank you, Potter!"
He still looks at me, his eyes big and the green even deeper than I remembered. "Oh, no problem. Any time. You don't need to..."
"Potter", I interrupt. "You're babbling."
"Ah, sorry. I'll just... go now. See you!" And so he walks away.
I go back to Blaise and Pansy and they look at me.
"Well, what did he say?"
"He gave my wand back." I just smile and Pansy jumps up to hug me. We dance a little, happy, before remembering our place. We sit down and start a conversation about the beginning year and how we are going to survive with all the bad blood.
–
Finally we arrive to the Hogwarts and get to the Great Hall for sorting. All the Slytherins seem to be more quiet than usually, but the others make noise to fill the absence of that we would make.
When the sorting is over all the students but the eight-years are sent to their houses. McGonagall says she has something to tell us and we stay, the little there's left of our year.
"So, since this year we are going to have you here and we can't really place you with the actual seventh-years we have decided to have you as a different house having it's own lessons and living together. So, this year you are just eight-years, no other houses, is that clear?" Everyone nods and McGonagall goes on. "Now, divide yourself to pairs so that we can decide where you will be sleeping. And no boys and girls together!"
Everyone seems thankful for the fact that we can self decide at least one room mate and pares up. I end up with Blaise which I'm happy about. Pansy looks at me pleadingly, not wanting to pare up with anyone, least my almost-fiancé Astoria Greengrass she ends up with.
"Okay, now we'll be dividing you into rooms of four. Or five", McGonagall looks at Potter, Weasley and Longbottom who seem to be a pair.
"But Headmistress, there would be one boy alone otherwise!" Potter says and McGonagall just smiles.
"Now, everyone write your and your partner's name on a piece of parchment and bring them here into the sorting hat." Everyone complies and soon the hat spits out the first two pieces of paper.
"Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood and Pansy Parkinson, Astoria Greengrass" I hear Pansy swearing and shoot her an apologetic look.
"Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom and Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy." I can feel the blood getting off my face when I look at Blaise, only to see the same terror in his eyes. I can hear the Weasel, no, Weasley wondering loudly what bad he had done to end up with us snakes.
"Mr. Weasley, this year will be dedicated to new beginnings and second chances. You all are welcome here and I will not have anyone questioning another's right to exist, is this clear? You will not judge each other based on assumptions but get to know each other and work together in order to get our new world work." Everyone looks at her, I thankfully, Gryffindors not so happily. I can already see how blissful life we will have in our dorm.
After dividing all rooms we go to the new common room in a tower in the northern part of the castle, the entrance being in the fourth floor. It's weird to have windows that look overground and not into the lake.
I take the bed farthest away from the door, in the dark corner and Blaise settles to the one next to mine. The one next to his is occupied by Longbottom and Potter and Weasley take the ones by the window.
We sit in silence, not looking at each other straight. And then I can feel it again, the sudden tension, the air pushing out of my lungs and the icy hand pressing around my chest, suffocating. My breathing gets more and more shallow and black dots start dancing in font of my eyes. I feel like freezing and falling, falling, falling down. My eyes have gone wide and I know I will faint soon from the lack of oxygen in my blood. I can hear the screaming, all the tortured ones that were in the Manor, they haunt me in my weakest moments, all that the Death Eaters did, all that I was made to do. And I scream. And then everything goes black.
–
I can hear Blaise talking. "It's all right. He's been having these panic attacks since the war. Healers say it's a reaction to the pressure he was under during the war."
"Are you really sure we shouldn't take him to the hospital wing?" Potters voice sounds worried. Why is he worried? Oh, yes, because I got all crazy in front of them. Why do I always have to ruin everything? Not that there could have been anything between us.
"Don't worry, Harry! He probably just wants attention!" Weasel, of course.
"Ron, didn't you see him? It's not all right!" Why is Potter so worried about me? There's no point, I do know I'm not worthy of him. I open my eyes and find myself staring at green ones, full of caring. I'm speechless, his smile makes me want to smile too. Even if the coldness has yet to leave my chest, heart, I can feel it slowly beginning to melt, his eyes bringing spring to me.
"Draco, you're all right? That was worse than for a long time! Is it because you're back here?"
"Yes Blaise. And it wasn't even bad, I'm fine. And I'm sorry. If I do that again just cast a silencing charm over me so that you won't hear."
"How can you say that? Do you want us to be as indifferent as Voldemort?" Potter, of course he would disagree.
"Unlike you, Potter, all of us are not war heroes. I'm not worth your worry, it's just easier if you ignore my panic attacks. Then I can at least think I'm not bothering you." Potter stares at me in disbelief. Would he want to be worried of me, of a filthy Death Eater? Oh, I forgot, his hero complex. Of course he would want to save me, save everyone.
"You heard him, Harry. If he says he's all right, he's all right."
"I'm not gonna just ignore someone's pain, I'm not that cold. But I won't talk to you about it if you don't want me to." Didn't Potter really hear what Weasel just said? Oh, why am I calling him Weasel again? I look at Blaise, too tired to drive everyone away myself. Only Longbottom seems to be away from my bed. And Weasley is of course indifferent, what else could I have waited?
"Okay, now you heard it's fine so what if we all leave Draco alone and let him rest", Blaise is really a good friend. I smile to him thankfully and he smiles back and then walks to his bead.
I undress and fall to restless sleep. At least I don't have any dreams.
–
When I wake up it's early morning. No one else is up but there's no point in going back to sleep so I head to the showers. I cast a silencing charm and start to sing as the water slides down my naked body, singing to no one in particular even though somewhere at the edge of my sight there is messy, dark hair and green eyes.
"I wake up in the morning, put on my face
The one that's gonna get me trough another day
Doesn't really matter how I feel inside
'Cause life is like a game sometimes.
But then you came around me, the walls just disappeared
Nothing to surround me, keep me from my fears
I'm unprotected, see how I've opened up you've made me trust
Because I've never felt like this before
I'm naked around you, does it show?
You see right trough me and I can't hide
I'm naked around you, and it feels so right
I'm trying to remember why I was afraid
To be myself and let the covers fall away
I guess I never had someone like you
To help me, to help me fit in my skin
I've never felt like this before
I'm naked around you, does it show?
You see right trough me and I can't hide
I'm naked around you, and it feels so right" Somehow singing has been most helpful thing to all sorrow and pain and it has become a habit.
Last summer I once run from the Malfoy grounds and around the countryside just to find a cute muggle girl with an apparatus she called mp3-player. She put the headphones to my ears and I heard music, so sad it made me forget my own pain for a moment. She gave the player to me, said I needed it more than she. I said that I didn't deserve her kindness after all I had done and she just laughed. It made me feel a bit better, feel like I might have a place in this world after all. It gave me the hope I needed to go on, to come back.
When I exit the shower Blaise is awake as well as Longbottom but Potter and Weasley are still snoring.
"Should we wake them up?" Blaise wonders.
"We will wake them when we leave so that they won't get breakfast. Then they'll remember they need to get up now, that it's not like a holiday", Longbottom answers. "Otherwise they'll wait that we wake them up always, trust me!"
"Oh, you know them. We trust you. Will you come to eat with us then?" I look at Blaise surprised, it isn't his habit to offer his friendship to all but maybe one gets privileges for living together.
"Sure."
When we leave Longbottom takes a book and hits it to Potter's and Weasley's heads. They jump up annoyed.
"What are you doing Neville!" They shout in unison.
"Waking you up," Longbottom grins. He has obviously changed during the war, the unsure boy I remembered is gone. In his place there is a man with confidence and self-esteem, a man like I used to be (without the bitchy part).
We eat our breakfast and go to the lessons. Potter and Weasley get there barely in time and Weasley shots a venomous glare to me.
"Why didn't you wake us in time?" He asks, irritated.
"Ask Longbottom, he said we shouldn't."
"Of course you blame Neville! Now, tell the reason!"
"Ron, it really was me. You need to get used to early wake-ups and not getting breakfast is the best way so far!" Weasley mumbles something and the lesson continues.
At lunch I have finally time to talk to Pansy and tell her about the attack last evening. She is worried but we both know there is nothing to do. As long as I don't feel comfortable and safe they won't end. When we exit the Great Hall I spot Potter with his girlfriend, obviously having an argument.
"So we won't be seeing in school any more, you have a separate house, separate lessons, separate table. When will we see? Or do you just want to stop seeing me altogether?"
"Ginny listen, this is not my idea, I don't want it but what can I do?"
"Of course you can do something, just talk to McGonagall! She will listen to you for sure!"
"Ginny... I can't do that. It's not like I didn't want to, but I really do think that our year needs this new beginning and chance to get to know each other. There is so few left we shouldn't waste it. We can always meet in the free time or do homework together or whatever you want!"
"Hmph. Sure." Weaslette walks away looking sour and angry and Potter is left alone, frustrated.
"We should go before he notices us, he wouldn't be pleased to find us eavesdropping."
"But we're not!"
"But you know his temper. I don't want to step on his toes right now!"
–
In the evening in our dorm Blaise and Longbottom are talking, Potter joining in every now and then. I read and Weasley tries to finish his homework. The book is interesting so Blaise has to repeat his question.
"Draco, would you join a truth or dare?" I stare at him, not believing my ears.
"That's a teenage girls' game!"
"Yes, but we need to get to know each other and everyone else is in."
"Well... Sure." It won't hurt. As long as I don't choose truth. We sit on the floor in a circle and Blaise takes an empty fire whiskey bottle out of his trunk. Potter and Weasley stare at it but when Blaise raises a brow they just shrug.
"Okay, so I'll take the first turn, everyone knows the rules?" asks Blaise spinning the bottle. Nobody answers. When the bottle stops the cork points to Potter. "So, truth or dare, Potter?"
"Umh... I guess truth since we won't get to know each other by daring."
"Well well... How many girls have you kissed? Or boys for that matter."
"What! Hmm... Well... I... Two." Potter's face turns to red. He spins the bottle and it points me. Oh shit.
"Malfoy. Truth or dare?"
I don't waste time thinking. "Dare."
"Okay... Show me your left arm." My eyes get big as I realise why he asks me this. I open my sleeve and lift it, revealing unmarred skin. He inhales and then his face softens.
"I thought so, even though I have to say I wasn't sure", he smiles to me and my lips rise on their own account before I get them under control. I reach to the bottle.
Longbottom wants a truth so I ask whether Lovegood is his girlfriend and the blush in his face reveals things even though the answer is no. When Longbottom asks Blaise of his girlfriends I sigh, we won't get out of here before the next week for Blaise's list of girlfriends is nearly endless. He answers surprisingly quickly and when he gets to dare me I get a really bad feeling. Well, a truth would have been worse.
"I dare you to kiss Potter."
"WHAT!" I and Potter shout in unison.
"You heard me, I want Draco to kiss Potter. If you only take dares I want it to be something more than 'jump around one leg in the air'."
I breath deep and stand, walking to Potter. His eyes are huge and he stares at me. I lean closer to reach his lips.
"And I want a good kiss, not a slight peck!" Damn you Blaise!
I collect all the courage I have left in me and kiss Harry Potter, the Saviour of the Wizard World. As I move my lips I can feel him answering and as our tongues brush against each other all I feel is sheer bliss. As Potter pulls back I can see the want in his eyes as well as his blush but I also remember he has a girlfriend. As the same thought enters his thoughts he turns away and looks down. Everyone is silent and the clock ticking in the wall sounds suddenly really loud.
"Thanks, that was refreshing", Blaise says, happily as ever. However, I can see the embarrassment in his movements, I doubt anyone else can. I guess he remembered Potter's girlfriend too late. Well, it's not my problem.
"Would you all be kind and not mention that to Ginny. She's already angry with me for all the new arrangements and I don't thinks she would find it delighting to find out I'm kissing boys behind her back."
"Sure, but boys? You have kissed other boys too? And do you find it delighting?" Blaise, straightforward as always. Potter blushes but doesn't answer. The game carries on but I find it hard to concentrate. Luckily the bottle doesn't point me so I have time to think about the kiss while listening to others asking stupid questions and daring equally stupid things with one ear. I am deep in my thoughts and when Longbottom asks if I want truth or dare I stupidly pick truth.
"Okay... Are you in love with someone?" Everyone looks at me. I don't know why they are interested in such things and don't know what to say. Well, I'm not in love with someone, merely interested. Maybe. Or then it's just him being the famous Saviour and someone I could never get.
"No", I answer coolly.
"But you're interested in someone, aren't you?" Blaise sure knows me too well.
"Maybe, but it's never going to work out."
"Poor Draco. You're so good-looking any girl would happily take you even though you fought in Voldemort's side", Blaise winks and I snort. Others seem a bit troubled and Blaise laughs. I don't know why but suddenly I find us laughing so hardly I barely stay upright and tears flow from Blaise's eyes.
"Exactly why are you laughing?" Potter demands.
"Because any girl... Oh my gods, it's just hilarious!" Blaise exclaims shakily.
"Why is that a reason?"
"Because I'm gay, Potter", I answer, a bit calmed down.
"And when he could get any girl! I just don't get it why he never wants things he can get easily! Everything must always be so complicated! I bet the one he is interested in is someone like you, Potter, any girl's dream!" I feel embarrassed, how is it possible that Blaise knows me this well? But Potter blushes and stands up.
"I think it's time to go to bed, don't you?"
"Yes, sure. Good night!"
"Night!"
"Night, and Harry and Ron, don't oversleep, will you?"
"We won't..."
The last thing I hear is Weasley muttering to Potter "But GAY? Why is he always the weird one?" but have no energy to care. I fall into restless sleep where fire is trying to eat me alive. In the last moment I see someone approaching but it's already too late and I burn, screaming.