In the woods, I find comfort in everything. After every horror that the Games have thrown, the woods is what makes them go away. Sometimes, not even the sight or memory of Peeta can make me remember who I really am, what I was before the Games. The two of us have been pawns in the Capitol's games, both of us changed and altered like a piece of clay until they are satisfied. But they never were and with every twist they make, the more torn we are—making the gap from our old selves farther.
I steady an arrow onto my bow, poised for the kill. I listen for any sign of game, waiting for the sound of silence to disappear.
Snap.
Immediately I turn around, ready to launch the arrow at the animal. But it wasn't any edible animal. It was a creature who was able to create nightmares for me in the past ten years. The animal isn't alone; it came with three other companions.
Mutts, I think. And suddenly, I relive the Games all over again. The unintentional kills I had to do, the thirst, the venom of the tracker jackers… Rue. Adrenaline overcomes me as I spear an arrow into the creature's eye, then another on the one beside it. I keep on hitting and hitting until I have no arrow left.
The mutts push me onto the ground and now I can see their tags. 1, 5, 11 and 12.
Peeta.
"Peeta!" I shout at the mutt pinning me to the ground. "Peeta, don't do this," I whisper as tears fall down my face.
For a moment I thought I saw the mutt's eyes—Peeta's eyes—show a little sympathy. As if it was suddenly distraught on whether or not to kill me. And in the instant that he meets my eyes, his sympathy disappears, replacing it with anger.
He lunges for my throat.
"Peeta!" I sit up straight, looking around me.
There are no mutts; I am not in the woods. There are only the soft sheets on the bed where I sit, the light of dawn seeping into the windows. Nothing but silence and peacefulness in this room.
I immediately hear rushed footsteps approaching the room. "Katniss?" Peeta says worriedly, his head poking through the open door.
I don't say anything but instead I break down into a million tears. Never in almost a decade did I believe that these nightmares will come back. All the horror, the blood, in my dream.
Peeta hastily puts the baby—our baby—in its crib, gently, and then approaches me, arms open. "Katniss, what's wrong?" he asks, although I am sure he knows.
I wipe the tears away and sigh heavily. No, I am not letting the past haunt me again. "Nothing." I say plainly, forgetting everything instantly.
He envelopes me in his arms and immediately I smell the fresh bread that he must have been baking before he came up. "It's alright, Katniss. I'm here," he coos. "We're here."
"Yes," I say shakily. I hesitate before speaking, "They came back, Peeta. They came back for me."
"Who?" he asks quietly.
I breathe in his homey scent. "The mutts."
Peeta doesn't say anything. He cradles me in his arms, quiet as I would have liked him to be right now. I didn't need him to talk. Sometimes, his silence can be more reassuring.
We stay like this for a long time until I hear a quiet giggle. I look up at the baby, smiling. "Mama?" he tries to gurgle out.
I wipe the remnants of the tears off my cheeks, raise my head and smile at Peeta. I won't let these dreams trouble me. Not when I have a family to love. Not when everything now is in balance.
"Come here, baby." I tell the little bundle of joy as I approach his crib.
Small yet healthy, a boy who looked so much like Peeta because of the color of his eyes. For me, this one small detail outshines the rest of his features which are in sync with mine. The baby, with his dark and wavy hair, smiles at me and immediately, I see Peeta's perfect smile. He waves at me endlessly, hoping for me to carry him and maybe tickle him, although he pretends at times that he doesn't like it.
I cradle him in my arms, pushing back the hair from his face. His hair has gotten so long, I wonder why Peeta didn't bother to cut it.
With Peeta's hands on my waist, he leans down on the baby and kisses its forehead. He laughs, the sound resembles Peeta's so much. But how could it? For the baby was still small and Peeta is a grown man. But maybe that is what love does to you. It makes you see the similarities over the differences. Even if these similarities aren't really similarities.
We head downstairs towards the dining table, putting the baby in his place in the corner together with his small toys. He could crawl, sure. But these past few days, he's been trying to walk. But he can't even stand straight, so I don't know how that could be.
"I don't know how he could want to learn how to walk," Peeta says, admiring the baby from afar. In between his hands, he is rolling a dough. "Not even a year old yet he wants to be daring."
"Maybe he got it from me." I smile as I turn my head to look at Peeta.
He smiles back. "He sure did."
I watch him and the baby back and forth, guarding them from the bad that won't even come to them. But instead of dwelling on the bad, I try to remember on what would be the things to do today. After the baby had been born, the house had been busy. There were only three of us in the house since then, but Peeta and I had to do so many things just for the baby. Not that I'm complaining, though. Ever since he was born, there was more happiness. Even Haymitch, who was always drunk, was somehow forced into sobriety because of the baby. At least, on most days. But it was already a record, Haymitch being sober for a few days.
A reminder snaps me back into place.
"Peeta," I begin. "Gale is coming by today with Johanna."
Peeta stops rolling the dough but immediately returns to doing so after a few seconds. He tries to respond normally but Peeta being my husband for such a long time, I knew when he was a little bothered. "Really? What time did he say he was coming?"
He walks to my side and kisses me on the forehead. "About lunch," I say.
"Good. I still have time to make them some bread…" he says, thinking for a moment. "Maybe a small cake, as well." I nod.
Just then do we hear a knock on the door. We all stop and look at the source of the sound. Even the baby stopped chewing his bear and looks up at the door, a puzzled look on his baby face.
"I'll get it." Peeta squeezes my hand and approaches the door. He wipes his hand of excess flour on his apron and opens the door. "Hey! We didn't think we'd see you in such a long time!" Peeta says welcomingly. Something about his tone reminds me of the way he talked to Caesar Flickerman during the 74th Games—commercial and nerve-wracking.
"Good to see you, too," says a male voice. He walks in, making me gasp from the resemblance of this man and Gale.
Gale, with all his strength before I last saw him, must have looked more powerful than before. He seemed to have grown but I don't know how that was possible. He looked thicker, more muscular, the planes and edges on his face sharper than ever. His face seemed to have aged a lot, especially his eyes which showed a lot of wrinkles on the chink and potential ones on his forehead. I could tell that Gale worked tirelessly in District 2 to fend off the depression, just like me. He had no family to go home here in District 12 and with occupying himself there in 2, it left him no time at all to grieve his lost family.
"Peeta," he nods. Gale seems so formal, so mature. This isn't him. This isn't the Gale I used to know. The scars of battle and loss have left him a different person, like he was a victor of the Hunger Games himself. "Hey, Catnip." He smiles at me. I immediately then take back what I thought earlier.
A part of him was still there inside. He didn't show this side to everyone, maybe just me. And Johanna.
(One week ago)
"Yes, I might come with Johanna next week, Katniss." He tells me on the phone.
"I'll tell Peeta about it," I assure him. "Johanna..?"
I braced myself for his excuse to not answer but Gale was not one to hold secrets from me, even if they hurt. "Sort of a relationship. Trying to work it out, though."
Relationship.
"Gale!" I fly into his arms, letting the emotions roll off of me. I hadn't realized how much I missed Gale. I look behind him and see no one but Peeta by the door. I step back. "Where's Johanna?"
"Well," he levels his eyes with mine, revealing the youthful Gale that I used to know. "She had this fit about chucking me out of the house if I didn't stop bugging her on coming with me to 12."
I hear Peeta laugh behind him and I do the same. Gale smiles and quietly laughs when suddenly his gaze shifts from me to an object behind me. I look behind me and see that the baby and Gale are exchanging stares.
I would have laughed, seeing the exchange as a funny thing. But I didn't because Gale's face gave away so many emotions that it hurt for me to point out each one of them: Betrayal. Sadness. Anger. But Gale quickly hides these emotions and looks at Peeta.
"Your kid?" he asks, avoiding my gaze.
"Well, uhm, yes," Peeta replies, scratching the back of his head. "Whose is it supposed to be, Gale?" he chuckles nonchalantly.
"Didn't recognize him with the dark hair." Gale says darkly.
"Oh, the baby got Katniss' looks. He was rather lucky," Peeta continues to humor, indifferent of Gale's turn of emotions.
I walked to the baby and picked him up. He starts snatching up the end of my braid and puts it in his mouth but I tell him in a gentle voice, "No." I get the end of my braid from his hands and replace it on my back.
Happiness replaces me as I see him smile at me, his smile void of teeth. There was something innocent about it that I could never explain. A baby's smile was one of the greatest joys a mother could have.
"You know what we named him, Gale?" I ask him, suddenly feeling secretly giddy about it.
He nods, but the look in his eyes tell me that he knows.
"Gale. Gale Mellark." Peeta says from behind Gale, approaching me and the baby. "We named him after the man who protected, and loved, her mother most. But I don't think you could overshadow me on the last part." He winks at me.
I force myself to smile even though I feel hurt. For Gale. I try to imagine myself, helplessly still in love with Gale. And we switch situations. It hurts more to think about it so I stop, letting the hurt hang freely in the air. But I didn't stop thinking how Gale could possibly feel hurt since, after all, he was with Johanna.
I force myself to speak. "It's a reminder that you're always here with us." Gale looks more hurt. Which I, in return, explain more, "What with your living in District 2."
"He's beautiful," Gale muses. Then he turns around and walks out.
I instinctively call out for him. "Gale!" I turn and give Gale to Peeta with the slightest of hands. "Hold him for me?" He nods.
I plant a kiss on the baby's forehead and Peeta's cheek then head outside.
I don't see Gale but being hunting partners, I know where he'd be heading.
My feet automatically take me to the electric fence, under the unfixed hole and through the forest. For years, the forest has been like this, frozen in time. Every tree that have held my means of survival stand unchanged; no signs of new branches or aging.
I tread the path towards the place Gale and I have shared our secrets. I have never went there in years but the way there is still fresh in my mind. Before I knew it, I was in front of the berry bushes that covered our hidden world.
I yank off a few berries off the bushes, making sure Gale hears me. I don't doubt that he will be here. I push aside the berry bushes until I can see Gale, his back facing me. He wound his arms around his legs, positioning his chin above them. I know he heard me, expecting his hunting senses have never ceased with disuse.
"Gale," I say quietly.
He stays silent for a moment, not acknowledging me. Then he speaks, turning his head to face me now. "Why?"
I purse my lips. There wasn't much explanation on why I named the baby Gale. On the day he was born, all I felt was how much I missed the boy in front of me. And since then, I named him Gale because of how much I missed him. All the time.
As I said, great hunting partners are hard to find.
"I missed you, Gale."
"That's not an answer."
"Yes, it is." He opens his mouth to argue but I stop him short. "No, listen to me. Just this once.
"I named him Gale because I missed you then, when he was born." I could sense the desperation in my voice. "I don't know if you will ever come back, with all that's going on in District 2. Even though I 'm confident that you won't die at the hands of the Capitol anymore, I can't keep my mind at bay with the possibilities. You could die by a fire when you're asleep or a large chunk of construction debris on your head. There are too many possibilities, Gale. On that day when I was giving birth, I was aching for my friend; for that boy who I hunted with every day and for that boy who kept my family alive when I couldn't. I wanted him to be there for me, to hold my hand even if I was already screaming curses because of the pain." I fall silent then.
Gale, on the other hand, couldn't wait anymore. He stood up, towering over me. And in that moment, I realize that Gale is dead. The one who stands in front of me is not Gale. Gale never looked at me this way, hard and icy. He was sometimes ruthless, yes, but not to the point that I feel like I don't know him anymore.
"So now you regret naming him that, don't you? Because you don't miss me anymore, Katniss. You have Peeta by your side all the time. Your decision was just a spur of the moment, I can tell." He tells me bitterly.
I frown. How could he be insensitive? "No, I don't regret it. Sometimes I think I do because-"
"Katniss, you made it look like I was dead," he spat the last word like he ate nightlock. "Naming a kid after someone, it's like a commemoration, a memory, a reminder. Do you want me dead, Katniss? Was that what you were trying to say?"
"No." I force myself to stop shaking. My next words felt like the right things to say, so I spit them out. "Because Gale is already dead."
I really hurt him this time. His face erupts into a flame. His olive skin turns a slight red and maybe it's already taking every bit of him to not punch me square in the face.
"You know why I returned, Katniss?" he asks me but I shake my head. Deep down, I already knew. I just refused to acknowledge it. " I wanted to believe that I still had a chance, Katniss. That after these years, maybe you made up your mind. I was starting to believe that you were waiting for me. That when I come back, you would beg me to never leave for 2, that I should just stay with you. Run away, have kids.." He trails off. "Johanna? I could never love her the way I loved you. I love her, yes, but when I was given the chance to run away with you, I would."
I realize that Gale was holding something, poised to throw the object at me but instead he turns and throws it over the cliff. It sparkles in the sunlight, like my Mockingjay pin does. Realization slaps me in the face as I realize that it was a ring. A ring that was probably worth a lot of paychecks, even in District 2.
"Oh Gale," I ran to him, gathering all the courage I can muster. And obviously reject the possibility that he might reject my offer. But he doesn't, so I wrap my arms around him.
Hugging him now is different. He's old now. I'm old now. We're adults. This situation is different in a whole new way. Everything has changed. We have changed.
But his response, is not. For a few minutes, Gale has resurrected from the dead and possessed this man holding me, for just a few minutes. When he pulls away, I know Gale has gone.
"It will never be the same, Katniss." He says, gritting his teeth.
"I know." I bow my head, looking anywhere but in front of me.
We stay silent for a few moments. Then I sit down on the grass, near the edge, carefully.
"At least he's a reminder of me," Gale says, sitting down beside me.
I smile at the thought of little Gale growing up to look like him. "Yes, he is. He is everything you are except that his eyes are blue, like Peeta's," I smile at the thought of Peeta.
"He has your eyes except the color." He ponders quietly. We all know that Gale and I look so much alike that at one point, we were able to convince the Capitol that we were cousins. Yes, little Gale had the shape of my eyes.
"One thing I'm sure of is to teach him how to hunt." I assure Gale. "Hunting partners are hard to find."
"Would you have grieved for me, Katniss? If I was dead, like you just said?" I think it over. Maybe.. But..
He gives me no time to respond as he dives in and kisses me.
I don't respond, realizing that my feelings for Gale have evaporated to the levels of just caring for him, not loving. I didn't feel that way anymore. Not after I married Peeta.
Over the years, the love I felt for Gale has shrunk. Up to the point that I only care for him like a brother. Not because I married Peeta. It wouldn't be right to say that it shrunk because of my union with Peeta. It makes me look selfish, knowing that maybe that was the reason, besides my separation with Gale and the deep devotion I felt for Peeta. It will hurt me like a knife if something bad happens to Gale but my feelings will be familial. And that is how it was since then, how it always will be.
He stands to leave. Gale walks away but before he does, he glances over his shoulder and says, "And Katniss? I was the boy who loved you the most, believe it or not." He hesitates before speaking. "I loved you, Katniss. Not as long as Peeta did, but just as potent, just as strong. And I always will."
And before I could shout for him to stay, he was gone.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed it! Hit up the review button, sweetheart. It'll let me know what you think! Should I do more THG fics?