This is just an idea I had one night and it wouldn't leave my head... when I wrote this I just pictured Blair...
I'm not sure if this is something interesting, it's completely AU and this is just the prologue. Would be nice if you could tell me what you think about it...
About the title... it is a merger (I know that word doesn't really fit) of "Pain" and "Addiction"
And it's my first FF in English, so please bear with me, I'm human, I make mistakes...
Sorry about the not existing gaps... I had them in word, doubled and everything and I wrote the html too, but somehow it just stood this way for one second...
And my teachers would blame me for the repetition of the word "she" but I did it on purpose *lol*
Painiction
PROLOGUE
She screamed his name out as she crossed the street. The rain was pouring down on her face and she felt like she had lost everything she ever had in her life.
The street lights seemed far away and the lights of the car disappeared slowly. It seemed like she was surrounded by darkness, her whole body tensed and shivers started to run up her spine. There was nothing left for her and it had been her fault. She felt like a failure and she knew she was. All the things he had said were truth and as he had said: She knew they were. She knew that she was wrong when she let it happen.
Her hand was in a posture she used to have when she held a glass but all she had was nothing. She realized that she didn't even have a key but her house was closed at that time. Would she have to spent the whole night outside?
She knew she wouldn't mind. She already felt all the pain. There wasn't more space for anything else. People said that you'd feel emptiness. That was completely untrue. It was pain. Maybe after some time the pain would get you numb and people confounded it with emptiness. She didn't know. All she knew was pain.
She noticed the spiky stone as she set down on the pavement. The rain didn't stop. It felt like the whole world was against her feeling any comfort. Her eyelids started to cover her big brown watery eyes and she fell asleep.
She didn't know how many cars had passed her when she finally opened her eyes not knowing how she got where she was until she remembered the backlights of the big silver BMW turning around the had gone. And this time she knew that it was for the last time. He did come back when she did it the first time. After the third he started to become more and more untouchable. Here she was. After the seventh time. Her favourite number. Seven of all numbers! Why couldn't he have beared it any longer. Just one more time!
Again she blamed him. It wasn't his fault and she knew. Maybe now she knew better than him. Why did he even come back? Why didn't he give up? Why didn't he look for someone else? She was dirty.
No matter how often she'd take a shower. She couldn't wash it away. Nothing could clean her. It started to rain again but she knew that the rain didn't touch her had lied, she had almost killed somebody. And she was old enough!
Was she?
All this time in her life she never really did grow up. She still was that little child sitting in her bed waiting for her dad to come in and yell at her to lie down and sleep just to hear his voice.
A tear fought its way out of her eyes before she could blink it away and this time she felt it on her skin.
She wanted to sit here forever and count the cars passing by, counting the faces that looked like they did care.
But who would really honestly care? They had their own lives going on. The only person who had cared was gone now and it was her fault.
Her own ridiculous behavior had caused this. Everything. "Everything," she repeated loudly as if she needed to talk to her mind.
She felt her right foot starting to pound an impatient rhythm on the street and her need started to grow again.
She wanted to be ready to fight it but she knew she couldn't. "What for?" she asked herself as her left foot started to pound too and fastened the rhythm.
She desperately needed it and she knew that it was just a matter of time that her need would get her body rise up. Her mind would stay where it had been all night: With him in this car, fleeing the pain.
She stood before she knew she did. Her body struggled to find balance and started to move to the house. Knowing it would find refuge there because he hadn't found all the places.
Just one kick to get new energy. She would stop it right after this time. She needed a little bit perspective. Something to lighten the darkness she still was in even if the sun had reached the highest point.
As if her feet knew better they didn't bother to try to open the front door and picked the one in the backyard. It opened and she knew that she could have had a better place to sleep this night. But she knew that the bed wouldn't have been better. It would have been worse. Pain.
She opened the door of the kitchen cupboard. There they were. She knew that she had loved him and she still did. Addiction. She felt bad that there had been a time she loved him the most for hating cereals. He never touched them.