A/N: Haha...I pretty much wrote this in my head on the plane ride to New York. I HATE flying so i tried to calm myself down. I plugged in my iPod and blasted N2N and came up with this! Awww...poor Nat...

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Disclaimer: I do NOT own N2N!

You'd think I'd get it right by now. That he isn't coming back. But for some odd reason, I know he is.

When I was little I used to think that Heaven was a place in the clouds. That everyone we lost would be happily floating along with those angel wings and plastic gold halos. I used to think that my brother would be up there. I thought he was just like the angels you heard about in stories. Guardian angels.

I always used to think he watched over me. I used to think he cared…

I remember when we flew out to Florida for my aunt's wedding when I was eight. I had never flown before so when Dad explained to me that we were going above the clouds, I was ecstatic. I held on tightly for dear life throughout the whole flight, my eyes glued to the window. I was confused. All I saw was a bunch of big puffy clouds. Where was Heaven? Where was my brother?

I turned back to my father and asked where he was. He looked at me like I was crazy, which, as I know now, isn't a good look. As his eyes fluttered from my perplexed face and over to my mother, who was fast asleep next to him, he muttered that my brother wasn't here and that he had passed away before I was born. I already knew that he was dead. But where was he now?

I kept asking him over and over until he'd answer me.

"But Daaaad…Why? Why isn't he here? Where is he?"

And finally he cracked, angrily responding, "I don't know, ok, Natalie?! We'll talk about this later…"

My face flushed a bright red. I was hurt and angry. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why this memory, this figment of imagination, was hurting our family so much. I wanted the truth.

The problem is, It's been eight years. We still haven't talked. I mean, I've wanted to be able to talk about it. Me and my dad. I wanted him to know that I was hurting too. I wanted him to care. But then again, when has he ever? When have any of them?

I know now that Heaven isn't a place in the sky. I know that my brother is dead. But why does he keep coming back? Why does he thrive on my misery, my hopelessness?

Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if he had lived. Would be my mom be slightly sane for once? Would my dad finally be happy? But the thing that scares me…

Would I even be alive?

Because everyone knows that I was just a make-up baby. The mistake that wasn't supposed to happen. Well, I can only wonder, I guess….I'm here already, aren't I?

God, I'm still here and he's not…Why is he back again? Well, this isn't ending quietly. Yeah. You heard me, Gabe. Bring it on. I won't go without a fight. I won't hide anymore. I won't be invisible. I just won't.

A/N: Aww...poor Nat...

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