Control

by justsomewords

You can't stop me.

I can feel him. He's there on the edge of my mind. He's speaking to me. He's trying to.

I'm not listening. I won't listen. I can feel the struggle within, the panic switch thrown, my heart racing. I can feel him tugging at me, pulling me back. I'm fighting away. I hear the other one too, but he's so far away, so quiet. That's fine. He can stay there.

I stop, lean against the wall, bracing myself. I can feel his internal attack, his terrible voice echoing in my ears. I know how to stop him. I just have to hold on. I just have to stay in control.

My feet move me, sleepwalking me down the alleys in a practiced weave. They think I'm already drunk, not knowing that it's just the pain that has me swaying. Some mistake it for swagger and as I pass, I growl at them. I see them jump and break away, scattering like roaches in the light. They think I'm dangerous.

I am.

He knows I am.

That's why he's here.

I can feel him dragging me down, clawing to get to the surface. I'll keep him below like ice over a pond. He'll see the cloudy surface, but he'll drown. I'll smother and suffocate him and rend him limb from limb. I'll break him apart, bit by bit. I'll destroy him one day. I'll destroy us all.

His hands are clammy and he won't meet my eyes. The pills are packaged like medication, the blister card bigger than my palm. He keeps walking, his fingers brushing my other hand as the credits transfer from my Coil to his with a single bump.

I hear him screaming now. His voice gets so raw, so animalistic. It's ironic, really. I love it. I love hearing him lose control. I love hearing what I do to him. Each note adds to the swell, the duet a sweet discordant tone in my mind. He's begging him now too. Pulling him back. Pleading. Crying.

This is my favorite part.

One, two, three, they all fall out of the foil backing with ease, plastic crumpled inward to push them out. I gloat to myself over them. It's too much and I know it.

I swallow them dry, imagining the red smear they leave down my unlubricated throat. They leave little oblong spots on my hands, the coating nothing more than a candy shell. I hear him bark orders, demanding I purge them from my system. 'You'll kill us all!' he says. I don't care. If we die, I win anyway. If I destroy us all, it's just what I wanted.

He's louder than ever now and my head throbs. I nearly trip, stumbling over my feet, but I'm laughing. I can feel it bubbling up inside me, erupting from my mouth and reverberating off the brick walls. I can't control it, but I'd never want to anyway. There's no reason to control anything. That's what he would do.

I don't do things he would do.

I'm faintly aware that I sent a trashcan flying off into the alley behind me. I guess I crashed into it. I can feel the flat edged bruise that I'm sure will be forming. It's the first of the night and it whets my appetite. I'm ready for it. I crave it. The patchwork of red, purple, yellow and green that I can admire. The colors he will hate to see. I'll have them all for days. I can press each one and remember every blow. It will be exquisite.

I love how it feels. I love lingering injuries. I can hurt them this way effortlessly. Cuts will sting and bruises ache. I can shower until too-hot water sends shocks of pain along my skin. I can peel it and watch it collect in the drain. I'll shed it and start fresh like a snake. They can't stop me.

The voices are fading and the pills are kicking in. There's a crawling shiver that moves through my flesh, a flush of ice in my veins. It almost feels like adrenaline, the way my world goes cold and my lips go numb. The red stuff is my favorite.

They are so far away now. They're fighting amongst themselves. I love hearing them fight amongst themselves. What to do, what to do, what to do about me. How can they fight me, how can they win, how can they ever hope to be free of me, me and my terror, my absolute rule, how can they how can they, how can they

Rhyme feels like falling

I can feel everything and nothing all at once

I can feel him standing across from me, the electricity in my brain, the synapses firing and misfiring

I can't feel them anymore

Good

I'm floating

I'll let him take the first shot, second, third, as many as he'd like. The damage transference is high. I'll feel each one tomorrow. I can barely feel it now, even as his Allmate launches attack after attack after attack

It feels amazing

I feel so alive

Alive here and now in Rhyme

Blood in my mouth

Maybe I should

No

I hear him

He's so far away

Live

My heart is pounding so fast

When did it start

Adrenaline takes over, I can feel my throat tighten

I'm in front of him, arms swinging

White hot energy and fists, breaking through his defenses, pummeling him

Floating, spinning

Falling

The logout is instantaneous

Jarring

My hands hit the pavement and I feel the skin slough off

Someone is here with me

I feel him holding me from behind

Fight

Escape

Fight Escape FightescapefightescapefightescapefightFIGHTFIGHT

Bile and sweetness and pungent deadly tastes

I hear them talking but I can't think

Words are meaningless

They're talking to me about me about Rhyme about

I'm falling

I'm floating

I'm cold and hot and wet

He's too big to fight

Am I screaming?

I have to fight

I have to live

They can't kill me I can't be destroyed I can only destroy myself I can only destroy

The world is moving around me

They're still here

A… car?

It's cold what is it

No don't drink it it's poison it's tainted they're trying to kill me

I can't stop it

My throat won't reject it all

I breathe it in I'm drowning they're drowning me help

Help

Help me

His hands move mine

I can feel him grasping his shirt, pulling me up

I'm crying, but he moves me like a puppet

He makes me drink the poison, swallowing it down and washing away the taste of my own vomit

We'll all die now

What has he done

They're talking calmly now

I can't breathe

My head is back against his shoulder, my legs aren't real. I can't feel my hands but I know they won't relax. He's holding me up as I float away. He's not speaking anymore, just acting. He's in control.

No

No

No no

No no no no no no nonononononONONONO

His hand is over my mouth

I was screaming after all

He's pressed against me, they're letting him

They're punishing me for what I did to them

This body is mine and they're letting me be punished inside of it

'Stay,' he says. 'Enjoy yourself.'

There's air now. A rush of hot, stagnant air. Disgusting air that feels like someone's breath. It's all around me. The car, the door, I'm

sobering

waking up

Where am I?

The district. They brought me back here. They took me home. They put me where I did not want to be.

My legs don't work. I kick over another trashcan. The sound is too loud, my head throbs. They're silent, though. This is the effect of the drugs. The effect of Rhyme. My joints hurt and my stomach churns. I'm going to be sick again.

It's just acid and bile and foam. My lips hang open, my throat raw. How much did I scream? What did I say? Who listened? Who got destroyed?

My palms hurt. I scraped them before. My jacket is torn. Did I jump out of the car? Did I fall? Did someone hurt me? Was I raped? What don't I remember?

It doesn't matter. I can do it all again. I can remember next time.

The world spins around me. I'm standing up. Swaying. Leaning against the wall. I can hear my own heartbeat in my ears, my head pounding with my pulse. They're silent. They're grim. They're still here.

Shuffling along, one foot in front of another, trying not to vomit again. I hope she's not home. I don't want to see her. I don't want her to see me. I don't want to see myself.

The door is locked. Do I have keys?

The door is open. I'm going upstairs. My fingers are on the tap. There's water. It's cold. Ice cold. I'm on the floor. The tile is so cold. The room is spinning. The drain is gurgling. My clothes are soaked. I feel terrible. It's wonderful. I want to feel so bad. I just want to feel. I just feel.

I left my clothes there. I don't think I turned the water off. I don't care.

My hair is stuck to my face. It hurts. It's so cold.

I'm shivering but too heavy above the sheets to move them. I'll survive. I always survive.

I'm asleep. I can see them. Their mouths move but there is no sound. He's here, he's yelling. I wish I could hear him. He looks so angry. He looks so scared. I love it. It's intoxicating. Let him rage. Let him. Let him. Let him take care of us. Let him take over. Let him take control. Le

No.

Never.

Never again.

I'm exhausted and frozen. There's a blanket on me but I'm still so cold. I'm shivering. I'm staring straight forward but I can't see anything. I have to stay awake. I have to stay in control. I can sleep when we're dead. I can sleep when this body gives way beneath me. I can sleep when they are silent and destroyed. I can sleep when we're all destroyed.

I can destroy us all.

I will destroy us all.

I will destroy.